Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

“Who is it?” I wiped my clammy palms on the crisp white sheets. I didn’t know why I asked. It wasn’t like I’d know who they were.

  “Not sure. I think its best they wait until Ms. Andrews gets here. She shouldn’t be long.” She walked back over to me. “And I’m clocking out.” She noticed the panic in my eyes. “Don’t you worry, Dex. Carla, my replacement, she’ll be good to ya.” She winked and closed the door behind her.

  I sat there for a few minutes, not liking the blank thoughts in my head. I didn’t have much to think back on. Only the mystery girl I’d have to find, sooner rather than later. But first, I had to get comfortable being in Dexter’s body. I had to be normal. So I turned over, looking for something with which to fill the time and emptiness. I found the remote and clicked the red button. The volume was low but as the screen appeared, I knew I was watching the news.

  The man on the screen was somber as he looked into the camera. I raised the volume.

  “…week after the accident that killed two, and we are now told the only survivor is expected to make a full recovery.”

  Ms. Andrews rushed in, took one look at the television and reached up to turn it off. Her eyes took their time making their way to mine. “You just focus on getting better, Dex.”

  I nodded, not understanding what happened.

  “You have some people here to see you. Becca…” she said it and glanced at me, looking for a hint of recognition after saying the name, “well, Becca is here. Um, Ralph. He’s here. I’ll let them know you’re awake.” She stepped out without another word.

  The door opened slowly and in walked a striking girl. When her green eyes saw me, she smiled and walked up to me and kissed me. It wasn’t unpleasant. But it wasn’t…right. I looked past her at Ms. Andrews. When her eyes filled, I knew she understood that I still didn’t remember anything. Not even the girl who’d kissed me like it was a natural occurrence between us.

  “Hi, babe,” she said, tucking her dark hair behind her ear and looking at the machine my leg was in. “Feeling better?”

  Before I could attempt to answer, the door opened again.

  “Hey, jackass. Try to die again and I’ll kill you myself.” A voice boomed from behind who I assumed was Becca. Ralph. I knew that. Blonde hair that sometimes looked a little orange, eyes that crinkled almost shut when he laughed, all wrapped in a towering frame. I looked at Ms. Andrews again and noticed her frown at Ralph’s choice of words. When she glanced at me, I turned back to Ralph, smiling.

  “Hey,” I said, my voice catching. I coughed as he mimicked me with a laugh.

  “So, any news? When are you out of here?” He sat at the edge of the bed, and I noticed Becca staring at me strangely.

  “Hopefully the end of the week,” my aunt answered. “But he’s having trouble with his memory. Ralph, he seems to remember you. Not me, and… not Becca.”

  The girl looked at me, her smile fading before she burst into tears and ran out of the room. Ralph proceeded to roll his eyes, and my aunt sat in a chair with a huff.

  “Can’t lie, dude. I’m glad she left. You know I can’t take her voice. She’s cute but….” He pointed his fingers to his temple, pretending it was a gun.

  “I think I’m supposed to take offense to that. Or at the very least defend her. But I don’t know her, man. I don’t even know me.” I chuckled. “I only seem to know you. And that is limited.”

  “I’m all you need to know.” He grinned, and I saw that one of his front teeth was chipped. Didn’t take away from the intensity of his features. He was a man in a teenager’s body. “A week? That means you should be at the Thanksgiving game. Watch me kick some Bobcat ass.”

  “No foul mouthing, Ralph. Your parents raised you better than that,” my aunt chastised, not looking up from the phone she’d pulled out of her purse. “I have to make a call. I’ll be right outside.” She stepped out, closing the door behind her.

  “Well, let’s get down to it, now that the womenfolk are gone. What the fuck, man?” He looked genuinely ticked off. From one extreme to the other. I was left somewhere in the dust.

  “Wh—what do you mean?”

  “Running out in the street like that, dummy. And you sure you lost your memory? I know Becca is annoying and you talked about breaking up, but you don’t have to fake memory loss to get out of that tragedy.” Ralph’s grin was infectious. Though his eyes were sad and full of worry, he was trying to be happy. For me. The person who barely knew him.

  “No, man. I’m not faking. I don’t remember anything, like I said. Except you. A little. I know who you are. That’s where it stops.” Throughout my words, my face morphed from an easy smile to one of complete seriousness. I was fighting with myself. I wanted to tell Ralph; I wanted someone to share the burden of my hysteria with me.

  “I’m glad you’re okay. You gave me the scare of my life, Dex. Not gonna lie. I might’ve shed a tear or two over your ass.” Ralph leaned back, the chair squeaking precariously. “How’s your aunt taking it? She looks better than she did last week.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know how she normally is.” Ralph snorted. “What?” I asked, not getting the joke.

  “You complain about her, call her a pain in the ass. But she loves you, man. We both know she does the best she can. Look, I’m your best friend. If you need help remembering, I’m the guy for the job.” He looked around the room and then focused on me again. “Let’s start with your relationship with Becca.”

  “Do go on,” I said, knowing where this was going without having been in his presence even an hour. He overshared, especially with his opinions.

  “Purely superficial. She’s cute; you’re bored. You’ve got three months in and you were starting to realize how annoying she is. And bitchy.” He reached over me to the snacks Ms. Andrews had delivered me. Ms. Andrews. I was going to have to learn what her first name was.

  “What’s Ms. Andrews’ first name?” I couldn’t call her my aunt out loud. It was like committing myself to her. Part of me still hoped…I didn’t know what to hope for anymore. But this wasn’t it.

  “Ha. Ms. Andrews. You call her Aunt Tracey. She’s in her late twenties. Too soon to be saddled with a hormonal eighteen-year-old, that’s for sure. She’s a dental hygienist. You’ve lived with her going on six months, and every day you guilt trip her to the point of tears. You’re kind of an asshole, Dex.” He held up a bag of Cheetos. “And here she is, bringing you your favorite snacks.” He ripped the bag open and began munching.

  “So she isn’t naturally nervous; just with me.” I was thinking aloud but Ralph answered.

  “She’s actually pretty cool. So, yeah. She’s only that way with you. She takes raising you pretty seriously.” Ralph set the chips down, rubbing his hands against his jeans to get rid of the orange dust on his fingertips.

  “All right, all right. I get it. I used to be an asshole.” I caught the way he lifted a brow at my words. “Yes, used to. I’m trying to change. What better way than losing my memory?” It was an attempt at a joke. “Tell me more about myself. This is all interesting. Despite you insulting me, which I admit, sounds like I deserve.”

  “You aren’t all that bad. You’re just grieving. You don’t know how to not be angry at her. After all, your parents died and she didn’t.” He said it matter-of-factly, like he’d said it before. Like we’d talked about this before.

  “How’d they die?” I was more saddened by the absence of feeling any nostalgia toward the situation than by the situation itself. I was their legacy and now that had been ruined. I was using this body as a vessel, a body they’d raised from birth and instilled their beliefs in. I could only hope that, wherever the real Dex was, he was happy and they were all together.

  “Well, the drugstore had been in your family for years. One night, a couple knuckleheads with a stolen gun came in, tried to get your dad to give them all of the money in the register. He refused. They shot him. Your mom was stocking in the back, heard the shots, came out and they shot her too.
You were at my house at the time and Ms. Andrews had been on her way to help them close up. Your argument was that, had she gotten there on time, the doors would’ve been locked and they would’ve been on their way home by the time the intruders had decided to stop in.”

  I closed my eyes. How sad. Everything about this life was sad.

  “I’m guessing I made a point of telling her this,” I said, not bothering to open my eyes. I knew the answer.

  “From what she told me about the other day, I’m guessing that was what you said before running in front of that car. By the way, I’m pretty sure your parents taught you to look both ways. Basic traffic rules.”

  I shrugged. “Wouldn’t know.”

  “Low blow, dude. Low blow.” He exhaled, running his hand over his buzz cut. “So, what now?”

  “Beats me. I guess I have a few things to take care of, starting with breaking things off with Becca. I can’t be in a relationship with someone I don’t even know.” My mouth was dry. The more I talked about any of this, stepping into someone else’s life and making changes I’m not sure he would, the more anxiety I felt.

  “You mean you can’t just fall in love with a stranger like in the movies?” We stared at each other before both of us burst with laughter. “I mean, I get it,” he said with a chuckle. “But to be honest, it was headed there before this all even happened.”

  Ralph, for all of his roughness around the edges, was keener than I thought.

  Chapter 3

  Changing Dexter’s life for the better shouldn’t cause you to feel any guilt. He’s gone.

  I blinked my eyes open. I was remembering something—the tail end of a conversation. It was like I was walking away while someone was still speaking.

  I shook my head to clear the words that weren’t mine. Regardless, I did feel guilty. I didn’t know what plans Dexter had made with Becca. She seemed pretty invested. After she stormed out of the room, she came back, apologized tightly and left before Ralph could drum up a joke at her expense.

  My aunt spent the night again, this time curled up in a chair. I looked over at her, the morning sun catching her hair. Her hand was tucked under her chin, and she seemed to be frowning in her sleep. The door opened, and I was greeted by a face I was beginning to look forward to seeing.

  “Morning, handsome. How was Carla?” Sessie’s honest smile made me return the gesture.

  “She was nice. But I still prefer you,” I said as she took my blood pressure.

  “Compliments this early in the morning? I could get used to that. How’s the pain today?” Her eyes looked me over, checking the bandages on my knee.

  “I’m fine, Sessie. No need to fuss over me.” I looked over at my aunt. While she had only changed her position slightly, her eyes were open, watching the interaction between Sessie and me, a small smile on her face.

  Sessie’s eyes followed mine. “Oh, you must be sore, Ms. Andrews. Didn’t Carla bring you a blanket?”

  My aunt sat up blinking and shook her head.

  “Well, next time let me know when you’ll be staying and I’ll bring you a cot and a blanket,” Sessie said with a smile. Always smiling. “Now, Dex, breakfast should be here soon. I’m told you may be leaving tomorrow. While it breaks my heart to see you go, I know you have plenty of other hearts to break outside these walls.” She winked. She said she’d be back to check on me in a few hours and closed the door gently behind her.

  “Good—”

  “So—”

  We laughed together at the awkwardness between us. Ms. Andrews’ laughter seemed forced, but I didn’t care. It was better than all of the crying she’d been doing.

  “Go ahead,” I said.

  “Oh, no. I was going to ask if you needed anything else.” She ran her fingers through her hair, attempting to straighten it.

  I couldn’t continue on with this conversation until I knew our past, how she felt, and what I’d done. What Dex had done.

  “Was I very bad to you?” Her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly.

  “Uh,” she stammered, “I mean, you were going through a hard time. I’ve made mistakes. We both have. But you’re eighteen, Dex. So, I understand when you took your frustrations out on me. Sometimes the hardest part about being there for someone is having to love them through their worst. I didn’t mind being your punching bag—emotionally, of course—because, at the time, you needed to lean on me.” She walked across the room and sat at the foot of my bed. “Don’t ever feel bad about that. You have enough to feel bad about as it is.”

  “I feel like…I don’t even know how to put it. I think this is a new beginning for us. I should’ve treated you better. There’s no excuse.” I couldn’t take back all of the bad Dex had given her, but I could change it now.

  If I was changing Dexter’s life in a way that made things better, I couldn’t feel guilty for it. If I was going to do this seriously, find her, the one I’d come back for, I had to do it right.

  “I’m breaking up with Becca,” I said, looking up at my aunt, trying to gauge her reaction. It was a moment of truth for me.

  “That might be for the best, Dex,” she said. She looked relieved.

  “That seems to be the general consensus. Is she that bad?” It wasn’t as though her answer would change my mind, but something in me had to know. What kind of future would I have if I stayed with Becca? What kind of future had she seen with Dexter?

  “Eh.” She frowned. “She’s a little dramatic, which I’m sure you noticed. She hangs around, neither good nor bad. Just there. I never cared for her, personally. Never thought she was for you. Do you know what I mean? After everything you had going on, I wanted things to be great for you. At the very least, if you were going to date, I wanted it to be someone a little…more. She isn’t that for you.

  “Did you want to brush your teeth? I can help you,” my aunt said, already standing to help me up.

  I grunted with every move that jostled my leg. The bandages were tight around my swollen knee, and I sighed with relief when I plopped down into the wheelchair.

  She wheeled me into the small bathroom, grabbed the toothbrush, smeared a line of toothpaste on it, and handed it to me, all with a smile on her face. Even when I hadn’t seen it, I’d felt it.

  “You seem happy,” I said around the foam in my mouth when I caught her eyes in the mirror. I doubted she understood what I said. Her peculiar stare confirmed it.

  When I looked at my reflection, I was jolted again. Not only was my reflection a stranger, but its hair was everywhere. Lying in bed all day didn’t do the chin-length hair any good. My aunt caught my facial expression and chuckled, pulling the hair out of the rubber band Sessie had provided and tying it up with an elastic that had been on her wrist.

  “There. All better.” She tucked the shorter strands behind my ear. “I hope you never cut your hair. It’s so lovely. Reminds me of your dad’s hair. He used to wear it like this too.” She smiled but there was too much sadness behind it.

  I spit out the froth in my mouth. “You were his sister?”

  She nodded and took the toothbrush from me, putting it away and turning so I couldn’t see her wiping her tears.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t fix anything. I still didn’t know her or her brother who had raised this person I’d become. Dexter Andrews: the boy with a past he didn’t remember. The boy who was only a shell now, a home for someone else to live in.

  I felt selfish. I’d taken over Dex’s body…just to find her.

  And there wasn’t a guarantee that I would.

  “I know,” she whispered, wheeling me back into the room and helping me get into the bed.

  “Do we have any other family?” I hadn’t heard of any grandparents or other siblings. I figured if there were any, they would’ve come by now.

  She shook her head.

  “My parents are long gone and your mother was adopted. Her adopted parents weren’t very nice people. No siblings. You’re it,” she said slow
ly.

  I ate my breakfast without saying another word. I figured that, at the end of the day, Ms. Andrews would rather have a troubled nephew who knew his parents than a pleasant one who didn’t remember anything. I also figured that, if I tried hard enough to keep her happy, she’d forget all of these things.

  •••

  Becca looked at me with doe eyes meant to win me over. It had likely worked on Dexter because she could turn it on before I even realized I was being targeted.

  Once I told her I was breaking it off, she was sugary sweet rather than spitting the venom that I sensed brewed beneath. Something about her wasn’t sincere, and it irked me. I looked at her hands, finding her acrylic nails annoying as they tapped on the bed frame. She was looking at me like I was a conquest. No sincerity, just ownership. The more I pushed her away, the more desperate she became.

  I didn’t know why. Who’d want to be with someone who couldn’t remember them? And the way she reacted, it wasn’t like she loved me. She wasn’t even crying.

  “I know you lost your memory. But we can work through that. You can remember. And—and if you don’t, we’ll start over; make new memories…please, Dex, baby, don’t end us before we’ve even had a chance to begin.”

  Ralph was right about her voice…focus. I had to stand firm. I wasn’t here for her. I was here for…something real. Something that I couldn’t live without.

  “Becca, I have too much going on right now to make you a priority. I don’t even know you. Why waste our time when I know you aren’t it for me?” I realized how harsh the words sounded after I’d already said them. Becca changed tactics, going from warm and sad to cold in a second. There was that venom.

  “Really? I’m not it? You’ve got to be kidding me,” she said with a sneer, as if she couldn’t believe I’d say something like that.

  I shrugged. “I’m not wasting my time anymore. I don’t remember how D—I used to do things, but this is how I’m doing them now. Which is why I can’t do this with you. Maybe we wanted the same things at some point, but not anymore.”