Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  “Whatever, Dex. Don’t come crawling back to me when you remember everything. I was good to you. I wasted so much time—”

  “Oh, come on, Becca.” Ralph pushed through the door, his cheeks ruddy. “You wasted so much time trying to sleep with my teammates while Dex was lying in a hospital bed.” He crossed his thick arms over his chest, daring her to deny it with a tilt of his eyebrows.

  She started to speak and then huffed, flipped her hair over her shoulder, and stomped out of the room.

  “And that’s why no one wanted you two together.” He pulled a chair from against the wall and dragged it beside my bed before sitting in it with an exhale.

  “Next time, tell me. Here I was feeling guilty over it.” I removed the hair band from my hair and ran my hands through the strands before pulling it back into a small bun. I could only hope that I’d gotten it all.

  “Why? You went from being on top of the world to being on your back. I didn’t think she’d end up on her back as well, but…it’s all for the best. I can find plenty of girls who’d be willing to help nurse you back to health,” he said with a grin.

  “Ah, nah. I don’t know if I was into that before, but I definitely don’t think I am now.”

  If there was ever a moment where I doubted that notion, I only had to think back on my conversation with the Angel of Death. What I felt was strong enough to beg for a second chance and to hold on when all my mind wanted to do was let go.

  “Why not? You’ve got these babes drooling over that little man bun and the scruff on your chin.” At his words, I scratched my chin smugly. He snorted. “You look like you should be reading fucking poetry, not off being a computer whiz.”

  I blanched. “A computer whiz? I don’t know anything about computers.”

  “Things change,” he said with a wave of his hand. “At least you won’t be going to Massachusetts anymore.”

  I groaned. This was getting complicated. “What’s in Massachusetts?”

  “You were looking into going to some computer school there. Waiting on an early acceptance.” He looked up at me. “You look like you’re about to lose your shit, Dex. Don’t.”

  “Don’t? I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I can’t just pick up Dexter’s life and move on like nothing.” I hadn’t realized what picking up a senior in high school’s life would entail. I was still figuring out the who’s of his life. I hadn’t even tapped into the why’s and how’s.

  “It’s not ‘Dexter’s life,’ man. It’s yours. And you can do whatever the hell you want.” Ralph’s volume was increasing, and I knew he was getting annoyed.

  I sat up, ignoring the radiating pain in my ribs at my sudden movement.

  “I don’t know whatever carefree bullshit you’re trying to feed me, but I can’t live like that. I can’t be an eighteen-year-old high school student with nothing going for me except a bum knee and the idea that there’s a girl out there who was made for me.” I tried to hop off of the bed on my good leg only for it to buckle beneath my weight. I scrunched my face against the pain as I went crashing to the floor. No matter how many times I’d practiced taking steps and walking up a few stairs with my physical therapist, I wasn’t strong enough yet to do it on my own.

  Ralph’s arms went around my chest, pulling me up with ease and setting me on the bed. His hands grabbed at my arms, shaking me momentarily until I looked up at him, pain causing me to lose focus.

  “Wake up, Dex. You don’t have a choice! But you—man, you aren’t doing this alone. You think I have a clue what I’m doing after graduation? Stop making me feel like shit.” He walked away from me, pacing the room. “I already have plenty to feel shitty about.”

  I sat back, breathing out in huffs. I was glaring at Ralph when Sessie walked in.

  “What’s all this, now?” She rushed over to me, helping me lie back on the bed. “Ralph, you can’t get Dexter riled up. He’s on a lot of medications and is in a great deal of pain. You boys had better be on your best behavior in this hospital.” She strode out and came back in, syringe in hand. I ignored the prick of the needle piercing my skin. The moment the drug hit me, I wanted to vomit.

  “Shh. It’ll pass. Lie back now.” I looked up at the door a second after it closed behind Ralph.

  I sat up again, wanting to follow him out.

  “No,” Sessie said, her voice stern. “You need to calm down and so does he.”

  “He’s the only one I know, Sessie. What if he doesn’t come back?” I looked away, not wanting to be pitied.

  “He’ll be back. He’s just hurt is all, the poor guy. He loves you. Bawled like a baby in the waiting room over you. He’ll be back.” She stood, waiting for me to speak. Finally, she spoke again. “Want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head. I heard her light steps and, before I could stop myself, I asked, “What do you think happens when you die and come back to life?” I looked at her, standing in front of the door, her smile easy, like I’d asked her a simple question.

  “You become a miracle. Which is exactly what you are, Dexter Andrews.”

  Chapter 4

  Iwould not place you in a situation you could not overcome. Don’t forget, I was supposed to deliver you to your maker.

  Waking up was an uphill climb. I felt myself begin to surface, but I tried to remain under. That moment of bliss when I understood my consciousness before I actually knew my life, Dex’s life, it was something I’d continue to live for. I wanted to prolong it for as long as I could.

  I opened my eyes, giving up on going back to sleep. The sun had gone down; the lights were dim in my hospital room. The television was on, although muted. Beside me, Ralph was sleeping, his arms pillowing his head.

  Tracey sat in the corner, her eyes on her laptop. When I shifted to sit up, her gaze found mine and she smiled warmly.

  “He’s asleep,” I whispered, grunting as I moved.

  She nodded, her eyebrows pulling downward with concern. “He was worried about you, you know.”

  “Me too.” He began to wake up, and I sat up straighter. I didn’t know if he was going to apologize or if I needed to. I wasn’t used to the situation I found myself in. If I was being honest, I wasn’t used to anything.

  He cleared his throat, blinked up at me, and smiled.

  “We done?” he asked, his throat scratchy, the smile still plastered over a face suited more for a grown man than an eighteen-year-old.

  “Sure. Whatever.” I smiled too. Ralph made it easy to be his friend.

  “Ha. Jackass.” He looked back at my aunt just as she said his name, telling him to watch his mouth. “I heard you’re leaving tomorrow. You excited?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t know what to think about leaving the hospital and moving into foreign territory.

  “You’ll be fine,” my aunt said, leaning forward in her chair.

  “Certainly. I can hear the ladies offering to stop by and play nurse,” Ralph said. I glanced at Tracey.

  She rolled her eyes, and I remembered how young she was. I hadn’t seen a man around and she wasn’t wearing a ring. Ralph hadn’t mentioned a boyfriend or husband.

  “Are you seeing anyone?” I blurted out. When she looked at me quizzically, I realized how random I was being. “I’m just trying to get everything sorted.”

  “No, no, it’s a fine question. Just not one I’d have expected to hear from you.” Her eyes crinkled with her smile. “I don’t have much time for dating. All social life flew out of my life the day you flew in it. I mean, I’d always been in your life but once you were my responsibility, I didn’t bother with friends or dating anymore.”

  “I’m hurt. I thought I was your friend,” Ralph cried out.

  “Sure, Ralph.” Her phone screen came to life and she stood up. “I have to take this. I’ll be right outside, guys.”

  I leaned my head back. The things I’d learned from Dex’s past haunted me.

  “Don’t let what happened before bother you, bro. We can only go up from here, rig
ht?” Ralph picked up a bottle of Coke from beside his feet and took a sip, shrugging when I looked at him. “You’re freaking out. I told you not to. What’s done is done. But what’s ahead of you, that’s the real adventure.” He waggled his eyebrows.

  “Yeah, I’m on this cosmic search for the right girl. That should be an adventure all right,” I muttered, leaning back.

  “We’ll just try each flavor until you find one that suits you,” he said easily, causing me to laugh. “What? That’s legit. Baskin-Robbins had it right. Try all thirty-two flavors!”

  “I’m not really looking for someone to just have fun with. I mean, that too, but I’m not into the one-night stand scene. Maybe something more long term.” More like forever, I thought to myself. But Ralph would just make fun of me if I said that to him.

  “All I know is the one-night scene, man. But I’m willing to bet whatever caused you to lose your memory has also caused you to lose your damn mind. You’re eighteen!” He laughed at my seriousness, continuing on with a rant that I’d begun to tune out.

  I knew this was coming. I wanted to start searching soon. Unfortunately, I’d be searching on my own.

  •••

  “You come visit me anytime, Dex,” Sessie whispered in my ear as she pushed my wheelchair out of the elevator.

  I was worried about being home. When I saw Tracey pull up in her car, her face bright, I took a deep breath and smiled in return.

  “I will. I promise.” I looked up at Sessie and she helped me up, handing me my crutches. I leaned on them, ready to head out. Sessie hugged me tightly and told me to stay out of trouble.

  When Tracey held the passenger door of her car open, I leaned against it and took one last look at Sessie and the hospital. It was going to be okay. I sat myself inside gingerly, making sure I didn’t hit my leg. Tracey shut the door and rounded the car, a grin on her face. When she was settled and we were driving off, I watched her.

  “Excited?”

  Her eyes flicked to mine and back to the road. “I’ve been lonely at the house. I missed you being a brat,” she said with a laugh.

  A few minutes later, we pulled up in front of a small house. I noticed a shiny car in the driveway.

  “Whose car is that?” I asked as I opened the door, crutches in one hand. She ran around and helped me out, setting my crutches right.

  “Yours. I washed it while you were gone. I know you hate when it gets dirty,” she paused. “At least, you used to.”

  “Seems like a stupid thing to hate,” I said as we passed it. When she opened the front door, I felt a small sense of having been there before. I turned and looked out, noticing the tree across the street had been cut. It was still fresh, the bark splintered and lighter than the rest of the stump. There were remnants of police tape. I heard the sounds of brakes pumping and tires screeching followed by the ambulance. I shook my head.

  “I’ve been here before,” I said with a grunt, pushing my way into the house. Tracey followed closely behind.

  “You have,” she stated. I didn’t want her to think I was remembering. I wasn’t. At least, not remembering as Dexter.

  “No. I don’t have memories of…my past. I can just remember the house. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” I stood there, unsure of what else to say.

  “It’s okay. No one’s pressuring you to remember.” She led me down a hall and helped me up the steps. “I do want to take you to your room. I’ll move you downstairs to the guest room, but I figured it couldn’t hurt for you to be around your things.” She opened the door, and I hesitated on the threshold. She didn’t understand that it wouldn’t help. Rather than hurt her feelings, I adjusted my grip on my crutches and hobbled into the room.

  Gray walls, a bed, a computer, and a desk covered in gadgets. Nothing stood out. I was standing in a bedroom that belonged to a guy who was never going to claim these items again. I sat on the bed. At least it was comfortable. Despite feeling like a stranger, my body knew the place and when I leaned back, I knew exactly how it would feel, where the mattress would end against the back of my head as I laid horizontally across it, my legs still hanging off.

  Tracey cleared her throat. I’d forgotten she was there as I stared at the spackled ceiling.

  “You start physical therapy tomorrow and go back to school next week. Is—do you think that’s enough time? I don’t want you to be out too long, it being your senior year and all. Did you want to see someone? Or homeschool? I never thought about that…what do you think? I know you’re going to have to speak to someone because of your memory loss but….”

  Her nervousness made me grin.

  “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Tracey. School in a week, physical therapy tomorrow. If I need to speak to someone, I’ll let you know.” I sat up. “Or I could just talk to you.”

  Her lips thinned and her eyes watered.

  I moved to grab my crutches, leaning on them to stand. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “No,” she mumbled, her voice wavering. “I just didn’t think you’d feel comfortable doing that. And you called me Tracey.”

  “Ah, don’t tell me you’re one of those. I’m not good with criers. At least, I think I’m not.” But judging by the way I was internally begging her to stop, I knew that was still true.

  “It’s all right. I’m okay.” She took a deep breath. “It just reminded me of life before your parents died. We were actually kind of close then. It was nice. Made me feel like I might be decent at the parent thing.”

  “We’re going to be fine,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

  “Well, I’m just glad it wasn’t your right knee that got shattered. You should be able to drive yourself to school. I mean, I’m not happy your left one is messed up. You know what I mean.”

  I nodded. “I should be fine sleeping up here. It’ll do me good to use the stairs.” I made my way over to the computer, brushing my fingers over the keyboard. “I’m told I was a computer whiz.”

  She remained by the door and when I looked up, her hands were tucked in her front jean pockets. “You’ll pick it up again, Dex,” she whispered. Her eyes went to the wall above the computer. An MIT sweatshirt hung before me.

  I exhaled in a rush, letting my head hang. “I’m going to mess up, Tracey. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  She placed her hands on my shoulders before I’d even noticed she’d made her way across the room.

  “I know I’m supposed to tell you to watch your mouth, but I’ll let that one slide. And just because you forgot everything else doesn’t mean you’ll forget your passion. If you do, it won’t kill you to go to a different college or find another passion. It’s going to be fine, Dex.”

  I straightened, wanting to disappear.

  “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve got a turkey to start trimming and you’ve got to rest. Tomorrow’s the big game and Ralph would never forgive you if you missed it.” She stepped back, and when I looked at her, my nervousness evident in my eyes, she chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll be right beside you.”

  She went to walk out the door and I stopped her.

  “Do you need help?” I asked. Her eyes lit up.

  “Yeah, sure.” The response was so effortless. “My first attempt at a real Thanksgiving dinner. I definitely need help.”

  Tracey was as starved as I was for human interaction. It was time we leaned on one another.

  Chapter 5

  It isn’t going to be easy. But I’ve given you something to provide you with a bit of direction.

  I groaned as I stretched, my body awake before my mind could follow. I sat up and noticed the house smelled heavenly.

  “Sorry. I thought I was being quiet. The turkey is in the oven. The rest can wait a few more hours.” Tracey spoke from the chair in the corner where she was cuddled up with a mug of coffee. I realized I’d fallen asleep on the couch. I groaned again, feeling stiff. She walked over to me, pulling a bottle of pills from her pocket and handing me two. She grabbe
d a glass of water from the kitchen and directed me to take the medicine. I acquiesced, welcoming the cool water. When I sat up, I ignored the pulsing in my leg.

  “You forgot last night’s dose, so I figured you’d be hurting when you woke up.” She placed the bottle back in her pocket. “And I’ll be holding onto these. The last thing I need is for you to become addicted to painkillers.” She sipped her coffee easily, like we were having a normal conversation.

  “Okay.”

  “We have some time before anything needs to get done. Want to wash up? Maybe take another look at your things. See how that makes you feel.” She was pushing in her own gentle way. And because I didn’t want to disappoint her, I nodded.

  I braced myself on the edge of the couch and stood. There was pain, but it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it’d be. I limped over to my crutches and headed upstairs. Tracey watched from the bottom step, ready to assist if I couldn’t do it. I shot her a triumphant thumbs-up when I made it to the top.

  I turned to my room and grabbed a towel, looking at the few pictures I had on top of my desk. Two adults looking happily at me in a plain black frame. I guessed they were Dexter’s parents. Tracey resembled the man in the picture. There was one of a younger version of Dexter with a baseball bat in his hands. His eyes were squinted shut and his missing teeth showed through his ecstatic grin. There was no recognition within me. No spark like metal against metal. Nothing.

  I pulled the door open to my bathroom and couldn’t help but look at my reflection when I turned the light on. The scruff had grown longer, and I itched to shave it. I could just trim it, I thought to myself, eyeing the clippers on the counter. It felt wrong to shave it when I’d already changed so much of Dexter’s life. I pulled my hair out of its restraint and ran my fingers through it, shaking my head. I couldn’t cut it. I’d have to live with it. It made Tracey happy.

  I turned and limped to the shower, hoping that, although I’d done it before, I would be able to shower standing. It was different, knowing there was no nurse around waiting to help me if need be.