Conna in Crisis & The Marriage of Ulick

by James Kilcullen

  One evening she noted the arrival of a handsome looking very well dressed young man. She had seen his type many times before; obviously CIA. She was right; Edger Soames was sent to Galway on a special mission. Such an attractive looking man, she thought; such a beautiful woman, he thought. A city slicker, he hadn’t been looking forward to spending time in such a backward region: until now.

  After he checked in and took his bag to his room, he left the hotel and approached Judith from the rear.

  ‘This is such a lovely spot; do you mind if I sit here,’ he smiled agreeably.

  She looked up at him and returned his smile.

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘My name is Elmer Soames; my friends call me Eddy,’ he sat down beside her.

  ‘I’m Judith Crosweller, from California.’

  ‘I’m here for the fishing,’ he continued.

  She looked at him quizzically. ‘You don’t look like a fisherman.’

  He grinned. ‘Looks can be deceptive.’ He paused. ‘Will you join me for dinner this evening?’

  She stared at him briefly for a moment. ‘I’d like that,’ she smiled.

  Eddy Soames went back to his room and phoned Langley; they rang back twenty minutes later to say that Judith Crosweller was kosher; she was involved in film making in LA. He was still puzzled. Why the hell was he sent on a mission without any specific instructions? He’d heard on the grapevine that there was a search going on for a rogue missile, but it had nothing to do with him. Stay at Turla Lodge, make no contact with our ambassador and keep your eyes and ears open; that’s all he was told. Dinner with Judith would be a pleasant diversion; who knows.

  *

  When Nodie heard that Ella had moved out, her spirits rose; was it possible that Ulick would come back to her? She studied all the documentation available regarding the forthcoming court action; she couldn’t find any loopholes in the oil company’s case. She would have to apply the law fairly and squarely, knowing that if she found in favour of the oil company it would upset the people of Achill and cost the state billions in lost revenue. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken this job.

  *

  Lurglurg was delighted when his last two suites were booked; his hotel was now full. His accountant had already suggested that the order build a substantial extension at the back of the hotel where it would not conflict with its overall character. This was something beyond his capability and he knew it; he planned to consult Ulick Joyc.

  The first of his new guests to arrive was a petite beautiful Chinese lady with deep blue eyes and black hair; Madame Lin Hu spoke perfect English. Brother Mungo, who happened to be passing through reception, looked her over approvingly. Shown to her suite, she had her meals served there and, in the evenings, sat by the lake.

  There, she met Judith; the two ladies became very friendly and, becoming more relaxed, they dined together in the dining room. This suited both of them; Judith continuing to politely refuse to visit Eddy in his suite: Lin who fancied Brother Mungo had to remind herself she was here on business.

  Lurglurg’s final guest, Boris Kopofski, a burly elderly Russian gentleman walked into reception as if he owned the hotel. Checked in, he went to the bar and loudly demanded a large Vodka. This was a first; the hotel didn’t stock Vodka.

  ‘I’m so sorry, sir,’ Brother Sean apologised, ‘We don’t have any Vodka in stock. Could I offer you a glass of our very special Poitin?’

  ‘What kind of a hotel is this; no Vodka,’ he exclaimed in a thick guttural accent.

  ‘I’m so sorry, sir.’

  ‘Oh all right, is this poitin nearly as powerful as our Vodka?’

  Brother Sean poured a large glass.

  ‘No sir, I don’t think so; I’ll order in some Vodka tomorrow.’

  Boris lifted the glass and looked at it critically before taking a great gulp.

  He put the glass down with a loud thump, gasped loudly, his face turning a deeper shade of red.

  ‘Wa—water,’ he gasped.

  Brother Sean filled a glass of water and handed it to him.

  He downed the water so quickly that some splashed on his new white shirt.

  Brother Sean, enjoying this, couldn’t resist an unchristian remark, although he kept a straight face.

  ‘I’m so sorry, sir; is it a bit on the strong side for you?

  Boris ignored him and stormed out of the bar.

  Eddy sitting quietly nearby, took due note.

  *

  Ulick sifted through the post while Setanta stretched out in his usual place by the window. It was clear to him that his master was preoccupied; Ella’s departure had taken him by surprise too. Annie Clarke entered, immaculate as usual, smiled at Ulick and sat down. Setanta sat up.

  ‘Ulick,’ she sounded a bit embarrassed, ‘I have some news for you.’ She paused. ‘I’m pregnant.’

  He stared at her in shock.

  ‘Well, say something,’ she smiled sweetly, ‘Aren’t you pleased? We’ll have to get married.’

  Setanta was also in shock; the only word that he understood was “married” Jesus, she would be moving in with Ulick. Disaster.

  Ulick was slowly coming to grips with the situation.

  ‘Are you sure?’ he asked.

  ‘The doctor confirmed it yesterday.’

  ‘But when?’ he stammered.

  She smiled sweetly. ‘Our last night together in the Ardilaun.’

  He vaguely remembered that night. When he went up to his room, he found her in his bed, wearing only a smile.

  ‘I think we should get married as soon as possible, Ulick.’

  Still dazed, he began to get his mind in gear.

  ‘Annie, as you know, I’m involved in an important and difficult case. We won’t do anything until that’s over.’

  She looked disappointed.

  ‘Couldn’t I move into your house in the meantime?’

  ‘Better not; people would only be talking.’

  She didn’t like it, but she had no choice. Taking the post, she left the office; Ulick put his head in his hands.

  Setanta called out for Dandaboy who appeared beside him immediately.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ he wailed. ‘I’m about to lose my home.’

  ‘Worry not,’ Dandaboy consoled him. ‘If that happens, I find you another one.’ He paused. ‘Paulo and Nan are fond of you; they give you nice home.’

  ‘I not want to live in a pub.’

  ‘Maybe, Nodie then; she like you.’

  ‘I not want to leave Ulick.’

  When Nodie heard that Annie Clarke was pregnant by Ulick and they were to be married, she was distraught. By now, everyone in Conna knew about it; Annie saw to that. Nodie took issue with herself; there was never any possibility anyway; she was foolish to think there might be. She would have to settle for her lovely little son. She doubted she could live so close to the father of her child while he brought up his second family by another woman. When this case was finalised she would ask for a transfer back to Dublin.

  *

  Frankie met Ulick and Ozzy in Paulo’s for a few drinks. Ulick was still suffering from shock; displeased and embarrassed that the whole country knew about it. Annie insisted she hadn’t told anyone; how else could it be known? He would have to marry her. Frankie agreed but insisted he take his time; soon enough when the child was born. Privately, Frankie was wondering if this was Ulick’s child, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

  The Taoiseach came to the purpose of his visit.

  ‘Why have the two ships departed?’

  ‘It could be the ball game has changed.’

  ‘The Professor Yang story rings hollow. What if he sold out? If the plans exist, it would explain the ships being recalled; both at the same time.’

  ‘So, what’s going on?’

  ‘I think someone has the plans.’

  ‘Do the Americans have them?’

  ‘I don’t think so; if they had, they would hardly spend so much time in Con
nemara looking for the remains of the rocket.’

  He turned to Ozzy who was quietly sipping his pint.

  ‘You know everything that goes on hereabouts. Can you help?’

  He put down his glass.

  ‘I think I know where it is, but I’m not allowed to tell you.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Dangerous weapon; better if not found.’

  ‘I agree, Ozzy, but if the plans exist it won’t matter.’

  Frankie nodded. ‘They’re searching the lake; is that where it is?’

  ‘Better if Ozzy not say.’

  Frankie asked Paulo for another round.

  ‘Yes, Taoiseach.’ He replied smiling.

  Frankie smiled. ‘I told you arse licking is not allowed. If you’re not careful I’ll start calling you “Garson.”

  ‘Oh please, no,’ Paulo begged.

  Frankie changed the subject.

  ‘How are you getting on with the case?’

  Ulick pursed his lips and shook his head. ‘Not great; oil companies don’t tend to leave loopholes.’

  ‘You think we’ll lose?’

  He sipped his pint. ‘I’m not saying that yet.’

  ‘When does the case start?’

  ‘Two weeks on Tuesday.’

  ‘Well, all you can do is your best. A win would enable me to find the funds I need for the clinic extension.’

  Ulick and Ozzy stayed when Frankie left to attend a meeting. Ozzy then asked the question that was bothering him and Setanta.

  ‘Ulick, what pregnant mean?’

  He looked at him sharply.

  ‘Why do you want to know?’

  ‘I heard someone say that on the bus; Ozzy not know.’

  ‘Was it about a particular woman?’

  ‘I didn’t hear the name. What it?’

  ‘When a woman is said to be with child, she’s pregnant.’

  ‘So, Nodie pregnant—she with child.’

  ‘No. It means a woman is going to have a baby.’

  ‘Where she get baby?’

  Ulick grunted. ‘Don’t ask.’

  Ozzy didn’t understand this but let it go.

  *

  Nan travelled into Galway to see Ella; it was she first introduced her niece to Ulick. They sat together in a corner of the restaurant over a coffee. Nan demanded to know what happened; Ella told her. She sat back, disgusted.

  ‘Why didn’t you talk to me? Anyone could see what clever Annie is up to; now she’s going around Conna saying she’s going to marry Ulick.’

  ‘I know Nan. It doesn’t matter now.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘You may remember I was negotiating with Jerry Holden for the restaurant franchise of his two hotels.’

  ‘I do, but what’s that got to do with anything?’

  ‘He invited me to have dinner with him some weeks ago. We agreed terms. It was a celebration; Champagne flowed.’ She paused. ‘I ended up in bed with him.’ She paused again. ‘Nan, I’m pregnant.’

  ‘Oh my God. What are you going to do?’

  ‘When I told him, he offered to pay for an abortion. I told him to go to hell.’

  Nan was silent for a moment.

  ‘Everyone in this town knows about Holden. He’s got a wife and four children.’ She paused. ‘Could this be Ulick’s child?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, we haven’t slept together for months.’

  ‘Ulick loves you; he might stand by you.’

  She shook her head. ‘No, he doesn’t deserve that.’

  ‘What will you do then?’

  ‘I’ll have the baby; it’s my baby too.’ She paused. ‘I haven’t told anyone and I’m not going to.’

  Nan agreed.

  She shook her head in disgust as she drove home to Conna.

  *

  Ulick and Ozzy were having a quiet drink in Paulo’s when Annie Clarke, dressed in a ravishing mauve dress, entered the bar and approached them. She smiled seductively at Ulick and ignored Ozzy until Ulick introduced him; she took one look at what she thought was a trampish Connemara man and continued to ignore him. Ulick tried to conceal his embarrassment; she never joined him in the bar before; all the locals were taking a keen interest in this development. Nan, serving behind the bar, was disgusted.

  ‘What would you like to drink, Annie?’ Ulick asked.

  ‘I’ll have a Gin and tonic; I’ve come to take you home.’

  Ulick didn’t look particularly pleased at the prospect.

  He nodded to Paulo. Ozzy sent a frantic message to Setanta. He didn’t know what he wanted Setanta to do, except to come quickly. Annie sipped her drink, gazing up into Ulick’s eyes all the time.

  Then, Setanta came charging in through the door like a hurricane; raced up to where Ulick was standing; barked and put his front paws on his master’s shoulders. Annie leaped back in alarm, losing her composure.

  ‘That damned dog again. Why don’t you get rid of it, Ulick?’

  He looked shocked as he put his arms around the playful Setanta. ‘Easy now boy.’

  He turned to her. ‘He’s harmless, although he has been a bit temperamental of late.’

  She was really angry now; angry at herself for losing it and angry at Ulick for standing up for the damned dog.

  ‘I’ll wait in the car for you.’

  She departed quickly.

  Setanta looked up at Ozzy.

  ‘Can I have a pint, DanO?’ he asked.

  ‘Paulo, will you fill a pint for Setanta?’

  He looked puzzled. ‘How do you know he wants a pint?’

  ‘Ozzy know. Put it in a glass bowel for him.’

  While Paulo pulled the pint, Ulick relaxed, lowering his voice.

  ‘How am I going to get home?’

  Ozzy grinned. ‘We’ll take care of that.’

  He took the bowel off the counter and put on the floor before Setanta, who proceeded to let his lugs back and enjoyed himself. Finishing it quickly, he looked up.

  ‘I needed that. Another, if you please.’

  Ozzy shook his head. ‘You have enough; you’ll only get too fat.’

  ‘How dare you. None of my breed ever gets fat. You take more than one and you don’t get too fat.’

  He gave in. ‘Another round, Paulo if you please.’

  ‘For him too. How do you know he wants another pint?’

  ‘He tells me.’

  Paulo cast his eyes up to heaven. ‘Now I’ve heard everything.’

  Setanta lapped up his second pint and then looked up at Ozzy.

  ‘How we going to get this fellow home?’

  ‘You leave that to Ozzy. No more porter for you or I’ll have to carry you home.’

  Ulick, who hadn’t heard any of this conversation, was wondering too.

  He finished his pint.

  ‘Ozzy take you home now.’

  Together, they made their way to the door. Ozzy put one hand on Ulick, the other on the half pissed Setanta and eased them out into the street; they both became invisible. Annie was sitting behind the wheel of her car at the kerbside, with an expression that would frighten a scare crow.

  Unseen, they walked past and headed towards Ulick’s house. Once clear of Main Street, Ozzy let them go; with the lifting of tension, they burst out laughing; Setanta chortled aloud. As Ozzy saw it, it was victory on the day, but it was only one day.

  *

  In the Russian embassy in London, Premier Petrof Loftrosky, on a special visit to the Court of St James, decided it was time to brief Ambassador, Ylad Zofsdri, but he would tell him only what he needed to know.

  ‘Ylad, you are aware of the talk in diplomatic circles about the rogue missile that crashed in western Ireland some months ago.’

  ‘Yes, Premier.’ He paused. ‘Is it worth risking a major conflict with the Americans?’

  He nodded soberly. ‘I want to avoid conflict, but we have to have that weapon.’

  Ylad wanted to ask about the weapon, but didn’t.

  The Premier
rose. ‘I’m off to meet UK Premier Jones. Afterwards, I’ll be making a major speech about peace in the world.’

  They shook hands and the Premier departed, closely attended by his body guards.

  Petrof Loftrosky smiled to himself as he descended in the lift. He hadn’t told his ambassador the full story. He had approved the purchase and would soon have the blueprints of this awesome weapon.

  *

  The Supreme Court in Galway sat in the old nineteenth century stone building beside the salmon weir bridge. Moxy O’Shea, acting for Oko Oil was seeking an order from the court restraining the people of Achill from interfering with his clients’ legal right to fulfil its obligations under the terms and conditions of the Concession granted by the Irish Government.

  Ulick would seek to show that the government of Hi-Brazil wasn’t bound to honour a concession granted by another jurisdiction. Ulick maintained his usual bluff exterior; privately, he was beginning to think a visit to Knock might help.

  He met and shook hands with Vincent Solan, the elderly, heavily built, affable owner of Achill’s luxury hotel, in the outer chamber. He had left his clients in no doubt; this was a very difficult case, one they could easily lose. Nodie would administer the law without fear or favour.

  ‘Well Ulick, how long will it take?’

  He shook his head. ‘Weeks, probably months. You don’t need to be here every day.’

  ‘As long as that.’

  ‘Yes,’ he paused. ‘They’re calling us; we’d better go in.’

  Ulick greeted Moxy affably and shook hands with him. In his three years in Brussels, Moxy had put on some weight, but he was still the same old gombeen man.

  ‘You’re on a loser this time, my friend.’ He smiled confidently.

  Ulick merely shrugged. They took their seats and opened their briefcases. When Nodie entered, the court clerk called out “All stand.” Ulick thought she looked stunning. She nodded to the legal teams and sat down.

  Moxy rose.

  ‘Mi Lady, my clients are objecting to your former employer appearing for the defence.’

  She smiled. ‘Mr O’Shea, the people of Achill have every right to appoint their own counsel. Your objection is overruled.’

  He sat down.

  Ulick rose. ‘Mi Lady, I still have a considerable amount of research to finalise; it would greatly facilitate me if you would adjourn this case for two weeks.’