Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

  Levi was right. He'd had been hanging on so tight, he hadn't realized his arms were practically trembling from the strain. It took real effort to make his muscles respond, and he forced himself to release his grip on Levi. He shook his arms a bit, willing the muscles to relax. When it was time to move again, he put his arms back around Levi's waist, but he tried to concentrate on keeping himself loose.

  Levi took them west and eventually the traffic of the city seemed to spit them out onto a two-lane county road. "You ready?" Levi asked over his shoulder.

  Before Jaime could answer, Levi accelerated. Jaime's heart raced and he fought the urge to grip Levi tighter. He was becoming accustomed to the peculiar movements of the bike and the feeling of being so exposed on the road. He wouldn't have said he was calm or relaxed. It was more like walking a balance beam over a sea of panic. If he thought about what they were doing, flying down the road on two wheels, or if he thought about how horrifying it would be to wreck, he'd fall off and drown in it. So instead, he concentrated on mundane things. He made himself notice the massive trees on their right, being overrun by kudzu. He noticed the swampy pools on the left and watched idly for alligators, even though he knew he'd probably never see one. He noticed most of the cars passing them going the other direction into Miami had Dolphins signs and banners on them, and he realized there must be a game tonight.

  He noticed he felt good, better than he'd felt in days. If he sat up straight and let the wind blow against him, he could almost imagine it was blowing his depression away, clearing the cobwebs from his mind. He felt free. He found himself smiling. The fear wasn't gone--he was still scared--but he realized concentrating on it was a choice, not a requirement. That was interesting.

  "Go faster," he said to Levi.

  He noticed the way Levi turned his head, his eyebrows up in surprise, but then he accelerated, increasing their speed by another five miles per hour. Instead of thinking about how frightening it was to go faster, Jaime concentrated on the way Levi's hands moved on the throttle, and the way his hair blew back into Jaime's face, stinging his cheeks. His fear remained. Steady. Not better. Not worse either. It was simply there, and the thought felt like a revelation. It felt like triumph. It felt so good Jaime laughed out loud. He'd tried so hard to fight his fear, but there was a something liberating about giving up the battle and recognizing his fear was part of him. It wasn't something to be exorcised. It wasn't something to be obeyed. It needed only to be acknowledged. It was the same as knowing his body was mostly comprised of water. The key was mostly. And the question that followed was, What else?

  So Jaime accepted his fear. Yes, it was there. So be it.

  Suddenly his fear wasn't a sea waiting to drown him if he fell. It was more like the snow back in Cleveland when he was a kid. Sometimes it had been so hard and crusty on top he could walk along on its surface, two feet above the ground. Even if his foot broke through, what was the worst that could happen? He'd sink up to his ankle? He'd sink up to his knee? Possibly. But if he did, he'd simply pull his leg out and keep walking. The only way he'd sink all the way was if he allowed himself to fall down and burrow into it.

  So Jaime tread carefully upon the surface of his fear and asked himself, What else is there?

  He felt strangely complacent. In his mind, Levi and the bike were one being. One machine, big and strong and sure. All Jaime could do was hang on. The road was straight, with little traffic. The bike rumbled beneath him. His ass was numb from the vibration. The sun was shining. The wind on the exposed part of his cheeks felt cold. His hands were cold, too. The warmth of Levi's body might have kept them warm, if his thick leather jacket hadn't been in the way.

  He let go of his grip around Levi's waist and put his hands in Levi's jacket pockets instead. That was warmer, but he felt less secure, so he put his arms back around Levi's waist. This time, he slid them up under Levi's jacket, so he could put his hands closer to Levi's flesh. It felt good. Levi's T-shirt was between them, but the heat was still there. He could feel Levi's stomach moving as he breathed. He could feel the indent of Levi's navel against his finger. And he decided he wanted more. He lifted Levi's T-shirt and slid his hand underneath and up Levi's stomach.

  The bike jerked as Levi jumped at the unexpected contact, but went quickly back to normal. It scared Jaime, but he found it exhilarating as well. He liked the way Levi responded to his touch.

  He kept his right hand on Levi's stomach, but moved his left hand down, brushing his fingertips over Levi's groin before sliding his hand down his thigh. It felt good to touch him like this, when Levi was unable to touch him back. It was similar to the day on the couch when he'd thought Levi was asleep. It was arousing without being threatening. He ran his hand back up Levi's thigh, stopping just short of cupping his groin in his palm.

  Levi turned his head enough for Jaime to see he was smiling. "You trying to make me wreck?" he yelled so Jaime could hear him over the wind.

  "Do you want me to stop?"

  "You know I don't."

  Jaime found himself smiling. "Torturing you helps distract me."

  Levi laughed. "Distract yourself all you want, baby. You'll never find a more willing victim."

  Jaime laughed, but Levi's words struck home. He knew Levi had meant them as a joke, but they were absolutely true. He'd never find another man who would allow him such freedom without demanding anything in return. He wished he had something to offer Levi in return.

  Of course, he did have something. Jaime knew what Levi wanted, and on some level, he wanted very much to give it to him. But he was still so afraid. He wondered if his fear would ever fade. He wondered if he'd ever be able to reach across the bed to Levi without panicking.

  "Faster?" Levi called over his shoulder.

  Despite the anxiety still very much alive in his mind, Jaime answered, "Yes."

  Levi accelerated again, and Jaime distracted himself from the speed by exploring Levi's stomach with one hand. His left hand still rested high inside Levi's thigh, and he wondered if he had enough nerve to explore more there as well. He marveled at himself a bit that he could even consider something so bold.

  And suddenly he realized his fear of sex was no different than his fear of the motorcycle. He could have let his panic keep him from getting on the bike with Levi. It was shocking to think he could have lived his whole life and never had this moment. It occurred to him what a loss it would have been. And wasn't sex the same? He'd always believed he could never have a normal sex life. After all, who would be willing to tiptoe their way through the wreckage of his past?

  Now, he knew: Levi. Levi was willing. Jaime didn't understand it. Even now, he couldn't quite believe it. But it was true. Levi wanted him. Levi said he loved him. And although Jaime wasn't sure yet if he believed in Levi's love, there were other things he did believe with all his heart: Levi would go slow. He would be careful and gentle.

  Levi was safe.

  Jaime could wait for his fear to go away, and end up missing out on the chance he was being offered. Or he could do as he'd done with the bike and he could let Levi drive.

  He knew then, with absolute certainty, what he wanted to do.

  "You ready to go back?" Levi asked.

  Jaime felt as if his heart was lodged in his throat, but he didn't hesitate. "Yes," he told Levi. Although Levi probably didn't know it, Jaime was talking about a great deal more than the ride home. "I'm ready."

  Chapter 29

  Levi had only suggested the motorcycle ride in hopes of jarring Jaime out of the depression he'd been mired in since the arrival of his uncle's letter. He'd never expected Jaime to become so aggressive. Not that Levi was complaining.

  The ride home was interesting, to say the least. When they first turned around and headed back into the city, Jaime's hands had been everywhere. It was terribly distracting and wonderfully torturous. But as they neared Levi's apartment building, Jaime went from adventurous to still, from laughing to strangely quiet. He didn't say a word as he climb
ed off the bike and followed Levi up the stairs to his front door.

  "Did you have fun?" Levi asked him once they were inside.

  Jaime's cheeks turned red, as they so often did, but he smiled nervously. "I'm glad you talked me into it."

  "Not so scary after all, right?"

  "It was terrifying," Jaime said. "But that's why I'm glad I went."

  Levi wasn't sure if he understood, but he was glad Jaime was smiling again. "What do you want to do for dinner?" he asked, turning toward the kitchen, but Jaime stopped him by grabbing his hand.

  "Levi, wait."

  Levi turned to him in surprise. Jaime didn't let go of his hand. He was fidgety, obviously flustered, barely able to meet his eyes. "I realized something on the ride. I realized if I wait until I'm not scared to try new things, then I'll never get to try them at all. So maybe..." He took a deep breath and looked into Levi's eyes. "Maybe now's the time to try."

  Jaime stared at him with expectation, and Levi tried to think of what he was supposed to say. "So you want to go for another ride?" he asked.

  Jaime managed to blush even more, but he smiled, too. "Levi, I'm not talking about the motorcycle."

  "You're not? Then what--" Sudden understanding made Levi's heart race. "Jaime, are you saying--"

  "Will you have sex with me?" The direct question struck Levi speechless, which turned out to be okay, because Jaime was suddenly backpedaling. "I mean, not real sex. Not yet. I just mean--"

  "Jaime, you don't have to do this because of what happened on the ride. Or what happened the other day. If you're not ready--"

  "Don't you see, Levi? That's my point. Because I'll never be ready. But I don't want to spend my life not knowing what it's like."

  Levi's mind began to race with thoughts of finally touching Jaime, kissing him, and proving to him how amazing two people could make each other feel. But he forced himself to take a deep breath and, against every instinct he had, he asked again, "Are you sure?"

  Jaime stepped closer to him, although except for the hand he still held, he didn't quite touch him. "Stop giving me time to change my mind," he said. "Tell me what to do."

  It took real effort not to grab Jaime right then, not to push him to the floor and lose himself in Jaime's body, but Levi knew it would be too much, too soon. He had to take his time. And the truth was, he wanted to go slowly. This was new to him, too. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd kissed anyone. He'd had sex with a great many men over the years, but he didn't believe he'd ever really made love. Even in his one short-lived, half-hearted attempt at a relationship eight years earlier, he'd always thought more about what he wanted than what his partner wanted. Never before had he cared more about pleasing the man he was with than pleasing himself. And Jaime was so fragile, Levi wanted to do this right.

  He eyed the soft white skin at Jaime's throat. Jaime was wearing a light blue polo shirt. It was the same color as his eyes. The top two buttons were undone, and Levi's eyes were drawn to the triangle of pink flesh and sparse red hair he could see there. "Let me undress you," he said, looking up into Jaime's scared eyes.

  Jaime laughed nervously. "I'll do it," he said, but he didn't move. "You first."

  Levi did as he was told, quickly stripping and dropping his clothes into a sloppy pile on the floor. The blanket he'd used back in his couch-sleeping days was still in the room. Although he'd folded it, he'd never put it away. It had migrated to the seldom-used chair by the door. He pulled it out from under the pile of jackets and spread it on the floor and sat down cross-legged on it. He looked up at Jaime with a grin. "Your turn."

  "I don't suppose I can get you to not look?"

  "I know you like to torture me, but that would be downright cruel."

  Jaime smiled, but he turned his back on Levi before he started to undress. He pulled his shirt off over his head, and Levi realized right away Jaime had been wise to undress himself because, had Levi done it, he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from touching as he went. Jaime took his time. He stopped after removing each piece of clothing to fold it neatly and place it on the couch. Jaime was always meticulous, but Levi wondered if he clung to the habit now because he was nervous or self-conscious, or if Jaime did it to tease him. Whatever his reason, Levi found he didn't mind. He'd seen most of Jaime's body before, of course, but that didn't diminish the pleasure of watching him undress now. Especially when he bent over to remove his boxers.

  "My God, Jaime, you have the sexiest ass I've ever seen."

  "I doubt it," Jaime said with obvious embarrassment. He turned around and let Levi see his cock, which was short but thick and half-engorged. Levi thought immediately of how it would feel in his mouth.

  "Don't look at me like that," Jaime said.

  "Like what?" Levi asked, forcing himself to look up at Jaime's face.

  "Like I'm one of the men you're usually with, because I know I'm not."

  He was right. Jaime wasn't the type Levi had always gone for: guys who wasted their time in the gym and or at the beach. Guys who knew what they had and used it to get what they wanted. Guys like Levi. Jaime was real--soft, fragile and beautiful in his purity.

  "You're better," Levi said, and he meant it, but he wasn't surprised when he saw the skepticism in Jaime's eyes. "Come here." He held his hand up to Jaime.

  Jaime took it and let himself be pulled down to the floor so they sat face to face, in the circle of each other's legs.

  Jaime looked terrified. And, although Levi wanted this more than he could say, it was important to him that he not hurt Jaime in any way. He didn't want to do more damage than good. "Are you sure about this?" he asked.

  Jaime didn't look sure at all, but he nodded. "It's like the bike, Levi. You're going to have to drive. All I can do is hang on."

  Levi nodded. He understood what Jaime meant, on some level, but he was afraid to move. "Tell me where I can touch you," he said. "Is there somewhere that's safe?"

  Jaime thought about it before he answered. "It's not like it reminds me of it," he said at last. "It's not like I have flashbacks or anything. Not when I'm awake. But it's the only boundary I know will stick. If I tell people not to touch me, they won't. Once I let them, how do I know they'll stop, Levi?" He looked into Levi's eyes, as if Levi would have an answer. "If I let them touch me, I'm afraid of what they'll do to me next."

  Levi struggled with how to answer him. It made him furious somebody had taken an act that should have been about trust and turned it into something ugly. He silently wished Jaime's uncle the slowest, most painful death possible. "I won't hurt you."

  Jaime nodded. "I know." He picked up Levi's right hand and placed it on his knee, then took a deep, shaking breath. He was close to tears again. "But I'm still scared," he said.

  Levi started to run his hand up Jaime's leg. He started to reach for him with his other hand, to lean in so he could kiss him, but Jaime instinctively flinched away, and Levi stopped.

  "I'm sorry," Jaime said, and Levi could see the effort he was making in an attempt to relax.

  "Don't apologize," Levi said. But he didn't want Jaime to be tense and scared at each new touch. He considered for a moment what Jaime had said. I'm afraid of what they'll do to me next. It seemed maybe those words were the key. He kept his hand on Jaime's knee, resisting the urge to slide it higher. "Can I put my other arm around you?"

  Jaime looked surprised, and a bit confused, but he nodded. "Yes."

  Levi slid his left hand around Jaime's waist and used it to pull Jaime closer. Jaime's skin was unbelievably soft, and Levi couldn't wait to taste it. "Can I kiss your neck?"

  A heartbeat of hesitation, then a hesitant nod. Levi put his lips on Jaime's pulse point, kissing softly, pulling Jaime tighter against him. "You can say no," he whispered as he kissed Jaime's pale skin. "You can tell me to stop. I don't care when. I don't care what we're doing. I won't be upset. I won't be angry." He continued to nibble at Jaime's neck. Jaime's entire body was trembling, his breath shaky. "I won't hurt you
." He kissed higher on Jaime's neck, up to his jaw line, then his cheek, which was wet with tears, and it brought Levi up short again. "Tell me what's wrong."

  Jaime shook his head. "Nothing," he said. "I'm such a mess. I'm sorry--" He started to pull away, to try to wipe his cheeks, but Levi stopped him and started to kiss them away instead.

  "Do you want me to stop?"

  "No!" Jaime said, although his voice caught. He put his arms around Levi's neck. "I definitely don't want you to stop."

  Levi obeyed. He continued to kiss Jaime's cheeks and jaw and neck, although the tears seemed to fall too fast for him to keep up with. "Jaime," he whispered, "can I kiss you?"

  "Yes."

  Jaime's lips were trembling and salty with tears. His kiss was hesitant. It was the sweetest thing Levi had ever experienced. He tasted like youth and innocence and it made Levi's heart ache in his chest to be able to claim that sweetness for himself. He wanted to savor it. To somehow open Jaime up to everything that could be good between two men, without spoiling Jaime's sense of innocence and trust. "Can I touch your thigh?" he asked, moving his hand up only an inch to let Jaime know which hand he meant.

  "Yes."

  He wanted to feel every part of Jaime's perfect skin, but he knew he couldn't rush. He let his fingers trail up Jaime's leg. He felt the top of his thigh, where the muscle was firm and strong. He slid his hand underneath and felt the back of Jaime's thigh, which was softer and meatier. He slid his hand down and explored the silky soft spot behind Jaime's knee and he heard Jaime moan.

  And as he explored, he kissed him. He kissed his lips and his cheek, his jaw and his neck. The tears hadn't stopped, and Jaime still shook in his arms. Levi didn't know if it was the force of his emotions making him tremble, or if it was the slow gentleness of Levi's touch. Maybe it was both.

  "Can I touch your stomach?"

  "Yes."

  He still jumped a little when Levi's fingers brushed his abdomen, but his arms tightened around his neck. Levi stroked Jaime's skin, from his hip to his navel, resisting the urge to move his hand lower. He confined his touch to the soft, smooth skin of Jaime's stomach. He caressed him until he could feel him vibrating with energy, with the need to be touched more. "Can I touch your chest?"