Freedom to Choose

by Sam LaRose

  “Your Mom? What happened? Is she okay?”

  “I can’t talk about it,” I shook my head.

  “Can I come with? I mean, maybe I can help.”

  “Devin,” I stopped. I took his face between my palms and kissed him as hard as I could. “No. I can’t do this right now.”

  “Okay,” he nodded. “When are you coming back?”

  “I don’t know,” I shook my head.

  “Patrick,” He put his hands on my wrists. “It’ll be okay. Relax a little.”

  “Devin, no, you don’t understand. I can’t. I might not be coming back.”

  “What do you mean? We still have two months of school left.”

  “I know.”

  “Patrick, what’s going on?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what? I don’t understand what’s going on. I came over to see if you wanted lunch.”

  I took a deep breath, “Devin, I don’t think I can see you anymore.”

  His eyes narrowed in confusion.

  “It’s not because I don’t love you, because I do. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, ever. But,” I sighed. “My mom is really sick right now.”

  “What do you mean sick?”

  “She doesn’t want anyone to know,” I shook my head. “I can’t go into it. But, I’m probably not coming back to school. She needs me with her.”

  “That doesn’t mean that we can’t still, you know, be together.”

  “I’m going home, Devin. That’s a two hour plane ride. I can’t do that to you. I can’t put that much space between us and expect to be able to maintain the kind of relationship we’ve had.”

  “I can live without sex, Patrick. I’d settle for hearing your voice on the phone. I can come see you over break. We can make it work. People a whole continent apart make relationships work.”

  I shook my head, “No.”

  “You can’t say no to me and expect me to just accept it, Patrick. I love you, goddamn it.” He punched me in the chest. It hurt, but not as much as seeing him trying so hard not to cry.

  I rubbed my chest, “I know.”

  “So you want me to leave and never see you again?”

  “I never said that.”

  “That’s what you’re implying.”

  “Devin, I’m not doing this because I want to.”

  “Then why are you doing it?”

  “Because, I need to.”

  “Fuck you,” he punched me the chest again. This one issued a grunt from me.

  “You can hit me all you want, I probably deserve it.”

  “You’re not even worth it,” he shook his head. He shoved past me and slammed the door behind him. I squeezed my eyes closed and leaned back against it. I let myself think about the last few minutes for a bit before I remembered that I had a plane to catch.

  ***

  After that, I went home and helped take care of my Mom. And that was part of how I found myself in a New York hotel, sleeping with an actor.

  I slipped through the quiet halls of the hotel. I hated that Devin had popped into my head when I was with Josh. I had managed to shove him to the back of my head since I had left campus. I hadn’t even gone back to campus to pack up my room. I had sent one of my Mom’s assistants to pack up and check out of my room for me. like I had been too much of a pansy to take the chance of seeing him again.

  What bothered me most though, was the fact that he hadn’t even tried to call me. Although, I hadn’t tried to call him either. Now, school had let out two weeks before, and I didn’t know how to get a hold of him. I could e-mail him. I could call him. I could probably even look up his home address in the campus directory.

  I was pulling my clothes back off to hop into the shower when my phone started to ring. I took the time to answer it.

  “Hi, Mom,” I sighed. “No, I’m fine. It’s just kind of late. What’s going on?” I waited for her reply while I sat down on the couch. Her voice was kind of soft and she said she wanted to talk. “Mom, you’re in the hospital. You should be getting your sleep.”

  “Pssht,” she scoffed. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a child, Patrick.”

  “Ma,” I yawned. “Look, it’s what? Three in the morning? I’m barely awake.”

  “Oh yeah. What are you doing answering your phone?”

  “I just got in.”

  “Ooh, fun night out? Who’s the girl? It’s not that snotty bitch they have playing my side-kick female, is it?”

  I rolled my eyes, “I had a couple of drinks with the guys.”

  “Ooh,” she repeated. “Is my cute little boy finally taking after his mother?”

  “Ma!”

  “It’s okay. You know I don’t really care; just so long as you don’t introduce me to your boyfriends. You know how I get. That’s why I sent you to the set in my place. I probably would have passed out with all those boys fawning over me.”

  “You’re not full of yourself at all.”

  “Hmm. Well, I’ll let you sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah,” I confirmed. “G’night Mom. Don’t stay up watching LOGO all night. You get some sleep.”

  “I will,” she scoffed. “Besides, they’re only showing lesbian shows all night –it’s not as enthralling.”

  I laughed, shaking my head before I hung up. I shut my phone off, tossing it down on the coffee table before I got up. The hot water in the shower felt good and I was relieved to finally crawl into bed after making sure that the alarm was set for the next morning.

  The next afternoon, I pressed a kiss to Mom’s forehead. She looked pretty good for a woman in a hospital. She was up and moving around, sitting on the end of the bed rather then laying in it.

  “Hey, how are you?”

  “I’m okay. I’ll be glad to get out of here.”

  “When do they think you can leave?”

  She shrugged, “Probably a couple of more days. They want to make sure everything is normal.”

  I nodded, “Well, you should rest.”

  “Tell me about the movie –are they slaughtering it?”

  “Ma,” I shook my head. “I wouldn’t know the difference if they did. But it seems to be going well.”

  “I don’t like that Josh kid. He doesn’t fit my character at all,” she sighed.

  I shrugged.

  “He’s the one that’s actually gay, right? Make sure he keeps a distance at the premier.”

  “You should really get over this phobia. You miss a lot of great opportunities.”

  “It’s not all gay men!” She scoffed. “Just the cute ones.”

  I shook my head, “You’d like what they’re doing. I was told that, while they can’t be a graphic as you are, they’re doing their best to make it as true to the book as possible.”

  “Good,” she nodded.

  We both looked up as a spunky looking girl walked in, wearing a pencil skirt and a low cut top.

  “Patrick, welcome home!” She came over to kiss me rather bluntly on the lips. “How was New York?”

  “Fine,” I nodded. “How have things been going on here, Mattie?”

  Mattie was my Mom’s assistant. One of three actually. She was a lesbian with a girlfriend named Amanda. However, she was an avid reader of my Mom’s books before she became an assistant. She had become a close friend over the last couple of years and my Mom depended on her for stability.

  “Good,” she nodded. “Doctors said your Mom can probably go home at the end of the week.”

  “That’s great,” I nodded.

  “Unfortunately, she’s also on three more medications,” Mattie pulled a brush out from one of the travel bags along the wall and sat behind Mom to start brushing her hair. “They’re precautionary for a couple of weeks.”

  Mom sighed, “I wish everyone would believe me when I say I’m fine.”

  “You’re fine because you’re taking meds,” Mattie shook her head, she paused looking up at me. “Oh yeah, there was a guy who stopped by
the house while you were gone. He was looking for you.”

  “Looking for me?” I raised an eyebrow. “What for?”

  “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “He said he was a friend from school and that he’d come back.”

  “Did he say who he was?”

  “No,” she shook her head. “He kind of booked it out of there before I could ask.”

  “Well, what did he look like?”

  “Umm...tall, dark hair, had a motorcycle,” she shrugged. “I dunno. Kinda cute, if you’re into that kind of thing.”

  I thought for a moment, but I had no idea who it could possibly be. I had few ‘friends’ while I as in school and most of them that would call themselves my ‘friends’ were girls I used for sexual gratification. I didn’t have anyone that I was close to.

  “Whatever,” I shrugged. “I’m not going to worry about it right now.”

  “Honey, if you’ve got a friend waiting for you, you should go.”

  “Ma, if it’s a friend, they know how to call me,” I rolled my eyes.

  She hummed, and picked up the remote for the television, “I was watching Logo last night—”

  “Before or after you called me?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “Before,” she rolled her eyes. “As was saying, they had this really good movie on, but I missed like the first half of it. What I don’t understand though is, why does everything gay have to have this low budget feel to it? It feels awkward.”

  Mattie shrugged. “Your books aren’t awkward.”

  “Meh,” Mom scoffed. “I beg to differ.”

  Mattie looked to me for help, but I shrugged. “I haven’t read one, so I can’t really argue.”

  Mom turned to look at me, “Why is that?”

  “Mom, you write gay erotica. First of all, it’s gay erotica. Secondly, you’re my mother!”

  “So? Not everything I write is embarrassing.” She rolled her eyes. “A few of my books hardly have any sex in them at all.”

  I shook my head, “I don’t want to have this conversation, thanks.”

  We were quiet for a few minutes. Mattie kept brushing Mom’s hair before braiding it, and Mom was enthralled with a variety show. I watched the two of them and was pretty sure that if my Mom were a lesbian, and Mattie didn’t have a girlfriend, they would make a really cute pair. I jumped when Mom suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth and shouted, “Oh my god!”

  “What?” I pressed my hand to my heart, like that would help slow it back down from the jolt.

  “I need you to go home and get me the green notebook that’s sitting on my desk. The purple one too.”

  “What for?”

  “Because I’ve got six stories to finish writing before I die, silly,” she rolled her eyes.

  “Mom!”

  “Well, I do! I put away the Royal Night story because I was stuck, but I just got a fantastic idea. Now hurry up and go get it before I forget what I was thinking!”

  “Patrick, go get it for her,” Mattie shook her head. “Sam, write the idea down so you don’t forget,” she got up and pushed a yellow legal pad and pen into Mom’s hands.

  I sighed, getting up and stretching my arms over my head. “Can you write on that for now? I want to get some sleep. I had an early flight. I’ll bring your laptop for you too.”

  “Yeah, I suppose,” Mom dismissed me. I should have felt slighted, but I knew she was excited to have some creative juices going again. She stopped me before I exited, “Wait, what was Ron’s brother’s name?”

  “David?” Mattie guessed.

  “No...”

  “Derek?”

  “I don’t think that’s it.”

  Mom talked about her characters like they were her kids. Even though I didn’t read her stories, I knew their characters like they were my siblings. “Devin, wasn’t it?”

  “Yes!”

  It wasn’t until I was out in my car that the thought struck me about who had appeared at my door step while I was gone.

  I was woken up when the doorbell rang downstairs. I was tempted to ignore it, but knowing my luck it was probably something kind of important. I pulled on a clean pair of jeans from my drawer and made my way downstairs. I was zipping them up when I cracked open the door after another insistent bell toll.

  “Yeah?” My eyes were kind of blurry from being sleep deprived.

  “Patrick?”

  I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to focus before looking up, “Devin.”

  “Hi.”

  He looked good. Well, better then good. My jeans felt constrictive and I had only just laid eyes on the guy. His hair was different, and he was wearing a light leather jacket and tight jeans. I could see a bright red motorcycle in the drive.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see you.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d answer if you saw that it was me,” he shrugged. We were quiet. I wasn’t sure what he wanted me to say. And I didn’t have anything. All I could think about was pulling him inside and doing him on the entry way carpet.

  “You didn’t come back to school.”

  “No,” I shook my head.

  “Some girl came and packed up all of your stuff but, she didn’t get your art back from your professors. I managed to talk them into giving it to me. I have it at home if you want it back. I can mail it.”

  I shrugged, “It isn’t a big deal.”

  He blushed, looking down at the ground. He scuffed the toe of his boot against the concrete step. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here.”

  “You should have called me,” I shrugged. “Now isn’t the best time.”

  “Your Mom?”

  “Mom is fine,” I shrugged. “I had a really early flight this morning.”

  He nodded, “Right. I’m sorry. I’ll go.”

  “No, wait,” I couldn’t stop myself from pulling him back. Electricity ran up my arm as I grabbed his hand. “Come in. Let me get dressed.”

  “You’re tired, it’s fine.”

  “Devin,” I pulled him closer. “Come in.”

  He looked up at me before he nodded, “Okay.”

  I closed the door behind us and watched him look around.

  “It’s big.”

  I shrugged, “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Did you guys always live here?”

  “No, we moved in here five years ago. Before, we lived in a place across town that was smaller.”

  “So, where’s your room?”

  “Always straight to the point with you,” I nodded.

  He blushed, “I didn’t imply that I wanted—“

  “You’re right you didn’t,” I shrugged, walking towards the stairs. “It’s this way.”

  He followed behind me, looking at the walls. They were littered with pictures of Mom and me, and people that had come in and out of our lives over the years. There were a couple of award certificates hung up sporadically too. The ones Mom wasn’t totally ashamed of at any rate. Maybe shame wasn’t the right emotion she felt for some of her awards. More like mortification.

  “This is it?” He sat down on my bed, looking around.

  “Yeah,” I nodded, pulling on a plain t-shirt from my closet. “It’s not as exciting as the rest of the house. I haven’t used it much lately.”

  “I came by earlier. Some girl answered the door.”

  “That would have been Mattie, she’s my Mom’s assistant.”

  “She said you were in New York.”

  “Mom wanted me to check on some things with the new movie.”

  He nodded, “Oh. So you were rubbing elbows with the likes of Josh Capernelli and David Chambers, huh?”

  “I met them,” I admitted.

  “Should I be jealous?”

  “Well, we broke up, so...no.”

  He nodded, “Right.”

  “How long are you I town for?”

  “As long as you’ll have me,” he looked totally innocent as
he said it. I wanted to take him into my arms and kiss him. I resisted.

  I came over to the bed and stood between his knees, “Why didn’t you call me? I told you I couldn’t be your boyfriend, I never said I didn’t want to talk to you again.”

  “It was hard,” he shrugged. “Months later, I still think about you every single day. I tried dating other guys but I can’t force myself to feel the same way about them as I do about you.”

  “Well, I guess that’s flattering.”

  “What about you,” he asked, leaning up. He looped his fingers into my belt loops, looking up at me. “Girlfriend?”

  I shook my head, “Haven’t had time for a girlfriend.”

  “Boyfriend?”

  “No boyfriends.”

  “Fuck buddy?”

  “If you’re asking if I had sex, Devin, yes I had sex. I had sex last night if you need to know.” I tried to ignore that hurt look on his face. I tilted his chin back up to look him in the eye. “But sex with other people didn’t matter. It wasn’t the same as it was with you. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “And sex with me did?”

  “Of course it did. I love you.” I had to kiss him. It had been so long since I tasted that familiar flavor of his mouth. He bit his lip as I pulled away.

  “But you left me, without even explaining anything.”

  “I had to,” I shrugged. “If I stayed and tried to explain everything, I wouldn’t have been able to rationalize with myself why I had to leave.”

  “Why did you leave?”

  “I told you, my Mom is sick.”

  “She has people other than you to take care of her,” he shook his head. “She’d want you to be with someone who makes you happy, Patrick.”

  “Devin, it’s not that simple. It’s been just me and my Mom since...forever. I had to be with her.”

  “But she’s doing better now, right?”

  “For now,” I nodded.

  “Are you coming back to school?”

  I nodded, “Probably not. I’ll go somewhere closer to home.”

  “I want to be with you.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that. I pulled my fingers through his hair, liking the softness of it. I wanted to be with him too, but that would be really hard to explain.

  “Say something,” he urged. I started to try to kiss him, but he stopped me. “No, I need you to say something to me. What’s happening here?”