“We should stop,” he says against my mouth.
But I don’t want to stop.
“No,” I whisper and then bring our mouths back together.
He kisses me with so much passion I could explode.
“Tea.” He says my name and then his lips are on my neck. “Tell me what you want.”
“You. I want you.”
His eyes meet mine. “I’m yours.”
Those two words seem to settle my entire world. He is mine and I want to be his. I want to touch him, taste him, love him the way I’ve always hoped. Our lives have been wasted time and I’m done living that way.
“Will you let me down?” I ask tenderly.
I see the confusion in his eyes, but he doesn’t hesitate to release me. When he does, I take his hand in mine and start to walk toward the bedroom.
“Teagan.” I appreciate his apprehension, but there’s none from me.
I turn to him, letting him see the truth in my eyes. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I’ve spent my life wondering, and I don’t have to wonder, Derek. We don’t have to wonder. I’ve loved you in some form or another what feels like my whole life and now, I want you to make love to me.”
His chest rises and falls faster and his other hand touches my cheek. “I love you more than I thought I did before.”
“Then show me.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Teagan
Present
My bravado is impressive considering the nerves that are swirling inside of me. I make it to my bedroom and it feels like I could cry. Not because I’m scared, but because I’m in a bit of disbelief. Derek and I are going to have sex. Real sex. Not in-my-mind sex.
He stands with me. His eyes feel like they’re seeing through to my thoughts. “Tell me something—”
I put my hand to his mouth. “Don’t say it, please.”
“Why?”
“Because tonight, what we’re going to do is real. I don’t have to tell you because I want us to stop talking.” I press my hand to his heart. “I want us to stop thinking. I think it’s time to start feeling.”
“Then tell me what you feel.” His voice is low and husky.
The two of us are in uncharted water, the shoreline is ahead, but we don’t know the way.
“That tonight is going to change everything.”
Derek’s fingers brush my cheek. “No, baby, it changed the first time my lips touched yours.”
“I think it was before that.”
His hands slide down my neck, then my arms, before he lifts my hand to his mouth. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Teagan. You’ve been the part of me that’s been missing.”
“You have no idea how much I want to believe what you say,” I admit. “I do, but it scares me because I feel the same.”
“Then, I’ll just have to do as you said.” His lips move closer to mine. “And show you.”
Derek’s mouth is on mine a moment later. I can do nothing but hold on to him, letting myself go and feel it all.
Each time I kiss him, I find another part of myself that was lost. I can’t imagine what I’m going to feel when he’s inside of me.
His hands are at the hem of my shirt and he breaks the kiss long enough to pull it over my head. I do the same to his, and try so hard not to have my mouth hanging open, but he’s perfect. Every inch of him is better than I could’ve ever expected. His chest is wide and the muscles tense from my touch.
Derek doesn’t move until our eyes meet. Then he lifts his hand, touches the strap on my bra, and pulls it down before doing the same to the other. I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to stop him, but I decide to show him that’s not happening.
I reach behind and unhook my bra, letting it fall to the floor.
“You’re so beautiful,” he tells me.
I’ve never truly felt beautiful until now. It’s silly because since I was a kid I’ve listened to people tell me how I was pretty or how they wished they had my hair and eyes. They were just words though. It meant nothing because I didn’t believe it.
My whole life I’ve never felt good enough. I’ve struggled with things turning out the way they have, but right now, it’s as though it all makes sense.
Those struggles have made me who I am. They’ve formed this woman, standing in front of Derek, the man I still love and wonder if this is what it’s all led to.
I want to argue that I’m not beautiful, but for some reason, it feels wrong. They’re not empty words and he means them. “I don’t think I’ve ever believed that until right now.”
“That you’re beautiful?” I nod. “You, are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, Teagan Berkeley. Don’t ever doubt that.”
I don’t when he looks at me.
We’re two broken souls, searching for something real and have found each other.
“Kiss me,” I request.
He does, taking my mind off all the heavy and allowing me to just feel again. I lose myself to him as we explore each other. His hands slide up my stomach to my breasts and he rubs my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, driving me crazy. My head falls back when his tongue touches it and then he takes me into his mouth.
My hands are in his hair, keeping him there as he drives me crazy. It feels so incredible—and right.
He comes back to my mouth, kissing me, drinking in my moans, and I move my hands to his belt.
Derek walks me back until my legs hit the bed. “Lie down, Teagan.”
I scoot back, and he undoes his belt, but not his pants. Then his fingers hook in my pants, as he pulls them off. I’m completely naked before him. There’s a part of me that wants to cover myself. It’s been so damn long since I’ve done this, and I pray it really is like riding a bike because I’d like this to be perfect for us.
“I need to taste you.”
He doesn’t wait for a response, his mouth is against my calf, slowly moving his way up. God, this is happening. My heart is beating so fast I’m sure he can hear it. I close my eyes and focus on trying to not hyperventilate.
When his tongue swipes against my clit, I lose it. My fingers are gripping the comforter so tight I can feel my nails through the fabric. His tongue slides around and then flicks in the best way. I want him to stop or maybe never stop, I can’t even think.
“Derek.” I say his name, asking for something that I don’t know. “Please, yes, God!”
He continues to push me harder, sucking on me and then flicking again and I’m so damn close, but he backs off right before I can reach the crest.
Then, he inserts his finger, swirling it around while sucking—hard—on my clit and I explode.
I writhe, calling his name out over and over as he keeps going, milking every ounce of pleasure from my body. I lie here, spent, but desperate for more.
He climbs up my body, kissing his way to my neck. “You’re fucking perfect.”
“No,” I say, half laughing. “You are.”
“I need to be inside of you, Tea.”
My fingers touch his face. “I need that too.”
He’s divested himself of his pants and I reach down between us, taking his dick in my hand, pumping and relishing in how his teeth clench.
“Does this feel good?” I ask.
“Are you serious?”
“I need to know what you like.” I move a little faster, keeping a steady rhythm as if he was inside of me now.
“Anything with you I have a feeling I’m going to like.”
That’s a good answer.
“There’s a condom in the top drawer,” I tell him and he moves lightning fast.
He has the wrapper opened and he’s rolling it on before I can sit up.
This is the moment of truth. He lines himself up with my entrance and stares down at me. I wait for him to move, but he’s completely still.
“What’s wrong?” I ask with nerves building.
“Nothing is wrong, it’s just…right.”
My hands grip his arms
and I squeeze a little. “It’s because it’s us.”
“You and I have waited a long time for tonight. Let’s not wait another moment. I’m going to show you how much I love you.”
My vision fills with tears and then he enters me. The joy I feel in this instant is too much. A tear falls as we both stare at each other. My heart is so full there’s no way he can’t see the way I feel written on my face. I love him.
I love him and he loves me.
It’s not words. It’s real. It’s right here in this bed and it’s ours.
* * *
“Last date?” Derek asks.
“You really want to ask that as one of your five questions?” I ask as we lie here, wrapped up in the sheets. My hand is on his chest, chin resting there as I look up at him.
We haven’t said much about what just happened. I feel like we’re both still in a little bit of denial, but comfortable denial at least.
His fingers slide up and down my bare back and his other arm is behind his head—while in my freaking bed. This is surreal.
“I get five and you have to answer them.”
“Okay, it’s your waste of a question,” I say with a grin. “I don’t really remember. It’s not like I had a lot of time to date so I just sort of stopped.”
“No men?”
I smile up at him. “That’s another question.”
“That’s a follow-up to the real one.”
He’s still a cheater. “Fine, we each get one follow-up. If you’re asking about sex, I wasn’t a nun, but it’s been a really long time.”
His hand stops but then a small smile creeps across his face. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Is that your question?”
“Is that yours?”
We both chuckle a little. “I said okay because there’s a part of me that likes knowing there were no other men. I don’t know why, but it’s almost as though we were both waiting for the other.”
“I feel that way too. Okay.” I sigh. “My turn. When did you realize you were really and truly in love with me?”
He starts to play with a strand of my hair and his body tenses a little. There’s no more anger and disappointment that I feel toward what happened—it’s curiosity driving me now.
“When you told me you were pregnant was the first indication. Then, it was really clear after I married Meghan. I looked at her, loved her in some way, but it was nothing like what I felt for you. And I felt so guilty, because Meghan and I had fought before we got engaged about my feelings for you.”
“You did?”
He smiles and nods. “She knew. I think she always knew even when we didn’t. Which is why when she found the confirmation in my journal it set her off. I’d never seen someone so hurt.”
I try to imagine being a new wife and finding my husband’s journal where he wrote about loving someone else. I would’ve been broken. “She loved you the way…”
“The way I loved you.”
“God, that’s…sad.”
“I couldn’t leave her. I felt this intense sense of moral responsibility to fix things. I tried. God, I fucking tried. Cutting you out was hard, but watching her grow to hate me ate at me. I worked as much as I could because she seemed happier when I wasn’t around.”
What a horrible way to live. “I wanted you to be happy, it makes me incredibly sad that you weren’t.”
“I wasn’t always unhappy. There were good times before the journal appeared. And afterward, she tried to get over it. But she couldn’t. And eventually she and I settled into a routine where we became a version of friends, mostly for Everly’s sake, but she also loved me.”
“Do you miss her?” I ask the question and instantly wish I could take it back. There’s no right answer to that and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. “You don’t have to answer that.”
“No, I do, I promised myself when we started this that no matter what, I will tell you the truth and we’ll work through it.”
My finger moves making patterns on his chest as I wait.
“Yes, I do miss her. We may not have been married like most couples and our relationship was more like roommates, but she was my wife for thirteen years. She was my friend, the mother of my child, and had she not died, we’d still be living the life we settled into.” His eyes move back to mine and then he shakes his head slightly. “That said, I’m happy to be out of the relationship we had. But I wish that it wasn’t her death that brought you to me.”
“I wish it wasn’t that either.”
I never wanted Meghan to die. I didn’t understand what happened with all of us, but the last thing I would’ve wished was for something to happen to her.
We both fall quiet, and then he clears his throat. “My question. Since we’re onto the heavy stuff and I was planning to ask about orgasms and positions, I figure we’ll shift to trial and error with those.” I giggle and roll my eyes. “Why did Keith give up all of his rights and, follow-up to that, why the hell would you let him?”
Jesus, I don’t want to answer this. I wish I had built in a veto option to this game. But this is Derek. Derek won’t judge me. He never has. Nina is the only person who knows. I was too mortified to tell another soul.
I sit up, pulling the sheet around me, clutching it like it might save me if this goes a different way. I don’t know that anyone will want to be with someone who has a sex tape looming out there.
My stomach is in knots and I open my mouth but shut it.
“Hey,” he says at my distress. “What is it? Why do you look like you’re going to be sick?”
I don’t want to look in his eyes, but he has been honest with me and I need to do the same. “It’s bad.”
“Okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
He might after this.
“After Chastity was born, Keith insisted on a paternity test, which was ridiculous, considering he was the only man I’d ever been with, but he didn’t believe me. By that point, I knew he was probably screwing around on me, but I didn’t care or maybe I did, I don’t know. Anyway, I granted the test immediately and that’s when the floor dropped out and I found out what lengths he would go to in order to get his way.”
“What did he do?” he asks through gritted teeth.
“It wasn’t just him, Derek. I was stupid. I trusted him when we were together. I wanted him to…I don’t know…fill the hole in my heart. I thought that maybe Keith could love me until you were ready to. I was in college and we were drinking and I did dumb things during that time. I let him…” My stomach heaves and I want to throw up. Instead, tears form at my mortification. I’ve always been ashamed of trusting him, but saying it to someone I love, makes self-hatred so much worse. “I let him tape us.”
“Tape you?”
I look up, begging him to understand without having to say the words. “Yes, when we were…”
“A sex tape?”
I nod as the bile climbs up my throat.
“And he what?”
“He threatened to expose it. To leak the tape and ensure my daughter had to live in that shadow.”
Derek’s eyes close and he releases a heavy breath through his nose. “He threatened you?”
“He gave me a choice. I either let him sign his rights away or he would ensure that my life was the one that was altered.”
A tear falls down my face. I’m so ashamed. I knew better and yet I didn’t say anything when he said he wanted to do it. Men often come out of sex tapes as the hero in some way—it’s women who bear the fallout. I was young and if I didn’t live in this town where everyone’s memories fade but scandal never does, I could’ve told him to fuck off. However, I do live here, and in order to make sure Chastity never had to deal with it, I let him off the hook.
I protected her, myself, my family, and any future I might’ve had. Not only would Keith never love our daughter, but he would also have made it so the town she was surrounded by whispered more than they do now.
In the distance
, I hear my phone ring, but I can’t move to answer. I wait for Derek to respond, because I’m dying inside.
“Who else knows?” he asks.
I see it now, I’m going to lose Derek too because who wants to be with that girl? He has a daughter to think about too. How fitting this is. I always knew this tape would be the end of me, and now I’m going to watch it play out.
“Only Nina.”
“And Keith?”
“Yes, and I don’t know who he told. But I don’t think he’s told anyone, it’s been thirteen years and I’ve never done anything to provoke him.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose.
All the happiness I had with him fades away. My walls start to come back up, needing to protect myself so that I don’t break.
“I’m…”
The house phone rings and the fear I had shifts. No one but Chastity and my mother have this number. It’s our phone for emergencies. “I have to get that.” I leap out of the bed and reach for the phone. “Chas?”
“No, it’s your mother.”
I sigh and wish I had checked the stupid number.
“Is everything okay?”
“You need to come to the house, someone is here.”
I look to Derek, who is staring at me with a look I can’t decipher whether it’s confusion or anger. I turn back to the wall, not wanting to deal with any of this.
“Who is it?”
She clears her throat. “Keith.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Teagan
Present
“You don’t have to go,” I tell Derek for the fifth time.
He’s been silent on the drive since I told him Keith was at my mother’s house. I have no idea what to think or why the hell he’s there. Part of our agreement was that he gave me all copies of the tape and I would never contact him and he would leave me alone as well. I wanted to ensure he was gone and I would never have to worry about this exact scenario.
“So you’ve said.”
He’s being cold and it hurts. Not to mention I’m a fucking mess. For all I know Keith is going to try to take Chastity or he released the fucking tape. I don’t know anything and I feel like I’m ready to explode.
All I Ask Page 21
