Armed and Outrageous (An Agnes Barton Mystery)

by Johns, Madison

  “I did. I thought she was here to shop, but she started asking questions about her mother.”

  “Her mother?”

  “Yes, she figured she might be in the area. She showed me her picture, too.”

  “Did you recognize the woman in the photo?”

  “It was an old picture, it’s kind of hard to say. So many people straggle through the area. She told me her mother left when she was ten, but she believed her father had something to do with her disappearance.”

  “You couldn't help her then?”

  “No, but I told her to check out Hidden Cove. It’s a restaurant on Lake Huron. You can’t miss it. The view is amazing.”

  “Who did she come in with?”

  “She came in with a young man. I overheard her mention the name Kevin.”

  “Anyone else?”

  “There were four of them all together, another couple, but they could be brother and sister because they shared some of the same features.”

  “Good observation and thanks.”

  We started walking to the door, and I stopped when she spoke.

  “I hope you don’t plan on telling anyone about the back room.”

  I turned. “Nope, finding Jennifer is all I'm concerned with.” I patted my bag. “As you can see I made a purchase.” I added with a smirk, “Like I’d tell that lame brain Sheriff anything.”

  We walked outside, and I helped Eleanor back into the car. This heat was too much for her. She was already having problems breathing. The humidity today was making it even hard for me to breathe.

  I jumped into the car, cranked up the engine and air, and stopped by the local ice cream shop, Fuzzy’s.

  We made our way inside, sitting at a table because the booths just didn’t allow enough room for Eleanor to sit comfortably. Ironic if you think about it. Nobody that came here often would fit in a booth either.

  Most folks ordered at the counter, where you could choose from thirty different flavors of ice cream from within a glass case. Red and black licorice ropes dangle alongside the cash register, and nostalgic metal signs hung on the walls. Lake Huron was viewable from the large glass window etched with the name Fuzzy’s. Today the water proved quite choppy with gray clouds gathering in the distance. Picnic tables lined the deck, but most days it was too hot to eat outside.

  Sally, the girl that works at the counter, came to our table. She smiled, and I noticed how perfect her teeth looked.

  “Sally, did you get your braces off?” I asked.

  She blushed. “Yes, isn’t it great?”

  I admired her glowing face that belonged on a magazine. She only recently got a tan, and a few freckles were visible.

  “We’d like the usual,” Eleanor said.

  Sally nodded and sprinted across the room. Eleanor had her eyes glued to her shapely butt.

  “Honestly, Eleanor, I think you’re a closet lesbian.”

  “What’d I do now?” She laughed. “You gotta admit she has a rockin’ shape.”

  “Rockin’? Since when did you start using words like that?”

  “If you took the time to listen to the kids these days, you’d hear that and more, like HPOA.”

  “And that means what?”

  “Hot piece of ass.”

  My mouth hung open, and I gulped. I was shocked. I knew Eleanor well enough to know that I constantly needed to prepare myself, because one never knew what might fly out of her mouth at any given moment, but sometimes she shocked me. I couldn't believe she repeated those God-awful words. Maybe I am old fashioned and maybe I’m not, because ever since leaving the backdoor store I had been thinking about trying out the lipstick vibrator, while thinking about Andrew.

  I smiled when Sally returned with our desserts, a banana split for Eleanor and a pineapple sundae with all the works for me. Problem is it would probably set me back twenty bucks. Tourist towns were known to be mighty pricey.

  I gazed across Lake Huron and watched the boats far in the distance. I had never been on a boat aside from the charter fishing boat with Eleanor once. Fishing was never my thing, but watching Eleanor’s face light up when she caught a perch warmed my heart. Watching her trying to catch the little bugger when it fell on the deck was priceless.

  Her antics never ceased to amaze me, one of the reasons we were friends.

  We spooned in our delicious concoction when Dorothy and Frank Alton walked in and hugged Sally, who’s their granddaughter.

  Eleanor froze with her spoon midway to her mouth, and chocolate syrup dripped down and rested on her cleavage. Frank drew his gaze as if on radar, openly staring at Eleanor’s now chocolate-covered chest. Dorothy’s eyes grew large when she saw Frank ogling Eleanor. Her nostrils flared, and she resembled a bull about to charge when the wife started to bark or so it seemed.

  I immediately thought, oh my God, where is that yapping coming from? Then I recalled Dorothy's dog. Surely, Dorothy hadn’t brought her Shih Tzu in with her? Sure enough, she held the yapping dog, oddly named Zeus, in her arms.

  I’m pretty damn sure that allowing a dog into an eating establishment remained illegal in Michigan, unless it was a seeing-eye dog. And I felt confident that this pint-sized annoyance to the eardrums wouldn’t qualify.

  “Get that damn dog outta here,” Eleanor said to Dorothy. “It’s not my problem your husband knows a good look-in’ woman when he sees one.”

  Dorothy cleared her throat. “Good looking? Miss Melanoma.”

  What I saw next baffled my mind.

  It seemed to happen in slow motion. Eleanor tackled Dorothy, dog and all. They scuffled on the floor and rolled around resembling a pair of flailing fish while the dog yipped and yapped up a storm to Frank's laughter.

  Eleanor got in a few punches, but Dorothy yanked her head back, and spat in Eleanor’s face. At this point, even Zeus had sense enough to retreat from the pair.

  Dorothy managed to make it to her feet, but as she tried to stagger away, Eleanor snatched her wig from her head. Gasps were heard about the room, and Eleanor lifted her head up and walked away.

  “I so showed that bitch,” Eleanor said.

  Dorothy wasn’t through yet. I could see it when her eyes glazed over.

  She planted a tub of ice cream over Eleanor’s head, and cackled when she couldn't immediately get it off.

  I jumped up, and removed it before should suffocate. I was in no mood, to do CPR.

  Seeing Dorothy minus her wig, I hid a snicker. She had hair. She just hadn’t had it done this week. It looked dirty, flat, and in sad need of coloring.

  Dorothy Alton has always prided herself on looking put together. You could tell by the clothes she wore. Her shirts and pants always matched. Her shoes matched her pants, and her hats matched her shirts. She was every bit the princess her family thought her to be, or a legend in her own mind. I believed she thought she was both.

  When she spoke, it sounded more like a screech, and I saw her nails were razor sharp, evident by the deep scratches on Eleanor’s arms.

  As for Eleanor, ice cream covered her and had run into her cleavage – making for a complete hot fudge sundae. Eleanor stuck her tongue out toward Frank in a suggestive manner. Dorothy tried to dash toward her again, but Frank held her back.

  “Calm down, Dorothy,” Frank said.

  Dorothy began bawling like a baby, always the drama queen. “Did you see what she did?” Dorothy mumbled, between sobs.

  “I’ll take you to the hairdresser, so you can get your hair done.”

  “Okay, but look at what she did to my clothes.”

  “I’ll buy you new clothes in Saginaw.”

  “Oh Frank, but that’s a long way.” She glanced at Sally. “Can you drive us after work?”

  “Sure, Grams, whatever you want.”

  I watched while Dorothy swooped Zeus up and left with Frank. He didn’t look happy. This would set him back a pretty penny no doubt.

  Sally ran into the back and returned with a mop bucket and two wet towels. She hand
ed the towels to Eleanor who then tried to wipe the ice cream off.

  I picked up the mop and mopped the floor while darts shot from Sally’s eyes. She took the mop from my hands and finished the task.

  “Oh, this isn't doing any good. All it’s doing is making me more sticky,” Eleanor whined.

  “Serves you right, Eleanor,” I said.

  She pouted while I laughed. She really was quite the mess.

  Sally walked over to me and spoke between clenched teeth. “You two so owe me.” She dropped her head in her hands. “Like I want to spend my day driving clear to Saginaw and traipsing around with those two all day.” She wiped her hands with a towel. “You think they’re bad here. Try being trapped in a car with those two on a road trip.”

  God forbid Dorothy buy clothing at Walmart like the rest of us, but I didn’t say a word. There were no words that could excuse Eleanor’s behavior, but she couldn't help herself, being uncontrollably impulsive by nature.

  “Come on, Eleanor, I’ll drive you home.” I put money down on the counter, far exceeding the twenty I thought it would cost.

  Eleanor hung her head, and turned to Sally. “I’m awful sorry, Sally. I guess I’m banned again.”

  “See you next week,” Sally said.

  Chapter Eight

  I dropped Eleanor off, so she could take a shower, and I drove back to the campsite where I last saw Kevin. I knew it might be a long shot, but I hoped he’d still be there. He left certain details out when last we spoke.

  Driving up the trail, I noticed an ambulance and the sheriff’s car parked by the cabin. I parked my car, ran towards them, and saw Kevin being strapped onto a stretcher.

  “What happened?” I asked Sheriff Peterson.

  His face turned red when he saw me, but it didn’t dissuade me a bit. “I was just here yesterday and ...”

  “What in hell for?” Sheriff Peterson asked.

  I tried to see Kevin’s face, but the sheriff blocked my view. “I’m waiting,” he said.

  I tried to see around him, but it was impossible. How did a sheriff this out of shape get elected anyway? If this is who we had to count on to protect us, we were in big trouble.

  “I was asking him questions about Jennifer. He was sorta seeing her.” I contemplated telling him about the backpack Kevin had given me. Oh what the hell. “He gave me Jennifer's backpack.”

  “Really, and where would that be, Agnes?”

  “At Eleanor’s house.”

  “What! I told you to butt out. This is police business. I told you not to interfere, and now you are withholding vital evidence.”

  My heart began to pound. “Evidence? I thought you said she wasn’t missing.”

  “I received a complaint about your interference in this case!”

  “Now you're making stuff up? No one would... “

  “William Martin, Agnes.”

  I needed to think, but I wanted to know what happened to Kevin. “I planned to give you the backpack.” I stalled while rational thought eluded me. “I just wasn’t sure what to do with it. You were so insistent that I bug off... “

  “I know, but that was before William filed the missing person’s report with the Michigan State Police this morning.” He scratched his head. “I just hate it when they take over.”

  “So the State Police are in charge of the investigation now?”

  “Yes, but it will be a joint venture.”

  “What happened to Kevin?”

  Sheriff Peterson’s eyes darkened slightly. He didn’t want to answer. I knew it. However, I also knew how much he hated being ousted by the state police, maybe enough to share information.

  “Someone used him for a punching bag.”

  “He was beaten up?”

  “Yes, pretty bad too. He’s going to the hospital.” He scratched his head. “Give me the backpack and I’ll take it to the State Police Post.”

  I’m not sure if it was how he said it or what but I hesitated. What if he failed to give it to them? What then?

  “Okay, follow me to Eleanor’s house and I’ll give it to you. I’ll be making a call to the trooper in charge of the case tomorrow.”

  “Why?”

  “Maybe they’ll be more appreciative of my efforts. Plus I have additional information that may help them in the investigation.”

  “That’s not necessary, Agnes. I told you, I’d take it there and I will.”

  “In my opinion, William Martin may be responsible for Kevin’s current condition.”

  His eyes searched mine. “What makes you so sure?”

  “He told me Kevin knocked up Jennifer last year and she had an abortion. I came here today to ask Kevin if it’s true.”

  “I think the timing could be a bit off. Like I said, he was at the Police Post.”

  “Okay, if you insist, but he runs a large corporation. Someone like that could have someone take care of Kevin while he is elsewhere.”

  “You can’t just go around making assumptions like that unless you have proof.” He glared at me. “If Kevin is one of the last people to see Jennifer, it would seem plausible her father'd want to question him.”

  “Question him or torture the poor kid? Jeez, Sheriff?”

  “We don't know that he did this, Agnes.”

  “You would think that, but men like William Martin are different.”

  “I’ll follow you to Eleanor’s and retrieve the backpack.” He added. “I’d like to be home on time tonight.”

  I stepped outside and felt a chill as if being watched. I got into the Cadillac and drove back to Eleanor’s house, followed by the sheriff. Once there, we walked into her house, and we both froze in our tracks.

  Eleanor stood buck naked in front of a fan. We were shocked, but from the look on Eleanor’s face, she couldn't care less. I’m not sure who was more shocked, the sheriff or me. Sheriff Peterson turned his back, and I’m sure he planned to gouge his eyes out later.

  Her rolls and sagging skin covered most of her private parts, but it was a sight I could have gone without myself.

  I handed the Sheriff the backpack, and he ran out the door. I heard him stumble in his hasty retreat. There was something about the sheriff’s demeanor that I just didn’t trust. He was hiding something. I wish I knew what.

  “Eleanor!”

  “What?” She smiled. “I was hot, and I needed to dry off.” She giggled. “If I knew you were bringing a man, I’d have made my bed.”

  “You’re not very choosy, are you?”

  She paused as if lost in thought. “Not at my age.”

  “I left to question Kevin again.”

  “Without me, no fair.” Sticking her lower lip out, she looked even funnier.

  “Someone – they don't know who – beat the boy senseless, and he’s on his way to the hospital.”

  “You think Jennifer’s dad tried to off him?”

  “Yes, that'd be my first guess, but he has an alibi. He was at the State Police Post filing a missing person’s report.”

  “Likely story.”

  Eleanor disappeared into the other room, then returned dressed in a low cut black shirt with matching Capri’s, still wearing her Ted Hose and tan canvas shoes.

  “What’s up with the sudden show of skin?”

  “It worked earlier. I like men to leer at me. It reminds me of working the streets in Saginaw.”

  “Did that actually happen or is it another one of your stories?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She pursed her lips in indignation.

  I rolled my eyes and watched while she trounced outside and sat in the car. She must have thought we were going somewhere. “We both think too much alike, Eleanor, but I'm running out of leads,” I said to the empty room. Kevin was en route to the hospital. Jennifer had been looking for her mother before she disappeared, and her dad had made a complaint about me. Was he responsible for his ex-wife’s disappearance? The girl's father sure seemed to be touchy about my prying questions. I looked out at Eleanor
who was sitting in the car, awaiting me, awaiting the chase. Let the games begin, she must be thinking.

  I got in the car and roared up US 23 toward what looked to be my last lead, Hidden Cove.

  Strange name because there were no coves anywhere near here. It sounded like a catchy name though, and when I pulled into the paved parking lot, I saw it had an amazing view. There were only a few cars in the driveway. When I saw a Mercedes parked in the lot, I hoped William Martin wasn’t here.

  I walked inside, and sure enough, he sat at the bar with Andrew. With Eleanor in tow, I strutted over to them.

  “Hello, William,” I purred. “Fancy meeting you here. I heard you filed a missing person’s report for Jennifer today.”

  William didn’t even look up, the bastard.

  “Is there any truth to the fact that Jennifer was in town searching for her mother?” I baited him.

  “You just don't quit, do you?” William said between clenched teeth.

  Our eyes met in the mirror behind the bar. “I’d hoped to question Kevin but someone beat me to it, and beat the hell out of him.” I touched his shoulder. “You know anything about that?”

  He jumped from the bar stool and pushed me to the ground. “You meddling old bitch, if you know what’s good for you ... “

  Swoosh. Eleanor swung her big, black purse and caught him alongside his head. He thumped to the floor, and Andrew helped me to my feet.

  “Are you okay?” Andrew asked. “Damn but you have good reflexes,” he said to Eleanor.

  William was laid out on the floor, unconscious. We all looked down at him. “Eleanor, what in the hell do you have in that bag?” I asked.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She smirked. “Looks as though I saved your ass, so we’re even, again.”

  “Even?” Andrew asked.

  “We sort of had an episode at the ice cream shop today,” I said.

  “Somehow I think you two have an episode everywhere you go.” He inhaled. “I think you two better scat before he wakes up.”

  “I’m not about to go anywhere,” I insisted. “I came here to get information, and I’m not leaving until I get what I came for.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “She knocked the man clean out.”

  “It was self-defense,” Eleanor insisted. “Plus, he knocked poor Aggie to the floor.”