Armed and Outrageous (An Agnes Barton Mystery)

by Johns, Madison

  William was coming to, and Andrew helped him to a chair. The manager brought a plastic bag filled with ice and pressed it against the large bump on William’s forehead.

  “I think we should get you medical attention,” Andrew said. He helped William to his feet and out to the car.

  I watched William closely the whole time and the look in his eyes was chilling. He was a man capable of anything. I hadn’t expected him to push me to the ground like that, but I shouldn’t have touched him. I imagined myself next on his list should he have his way.

  Chapter Nine

  I smiled at the manager, shrugged, and sat on a barstool. I ran my hand along the bar and felt the smoothness of the wood. It was made of mahogany, and I caught my reflection within its shiny surface. The high back black leather bar stool was cool against my back. It felt refreshing.

  I saw pictures scattered along the walls, local pictures. I knew some of the faces. They were holding their catches, not all noteworthy. No swordfish here in Michigan. They held up perch, trout, and Salmon.

  I said in a stentorian voice, “I remember when you could catch perch by the bucketful's from the dock in Tawas.” This got the attention of the bartender, a spritely young woman I knew as Carly.

  “It’s not like that anymore,” she replied.

  “And I wonder why? Are they all fished out or is there an environmental reason?” It was a dialogue we shared each time I came in for a drink.

  “Hi Agnes,” the manager said.

  I was taken aback, thinking: Do I know him? Keep talking Aggie maybe he’ll say something that will remind you. At my age, I could get away with just about anything. I call it convenient confusion.

  “I’m sorry, but I’m at a loss. I think I bumped my head on the floor when I fell.”

  “Oh my God, Aggie,” Eleanor said. She began to pant, sounding like a dog that had run for miles. “I think you may have a concussion, somebody call a doctor quick.” Her eyes searched the room as if there were more than the four of us here.

  “I’m fine,” I insisted.

  I saw Eleanor wink, and suddenly I felt faint.

  “Oh I’m sorry, Mr. Manager, I think I may faint.” I threw my hand to my forehead and let myself slump to the floor. Lucky for me the manager had caught me before I fell. Thank God. I worried he would let me fall on the damn floor. That just wouldn’t do – these were new pants.

  If Eleanor deserved an Academy Award, I deserved painkillers.

  I saw his name badge displaying the name Jim. Oh, God, Jim, little Jimmy from little league, ten years ago. It came back in a flash. Jimmy Paxton was the smallest boy on the team, but that boy could run. I believed his speed came mostly from his daddy’s belt. Fathers didn’t spare the rod in those days.

  His warm blue eyes looked at me with concern when he helped me to a chair just as Trooper Sales strutted in. His face, although striking, meant business.

  His dark hair was rammed under a cap that cast a shadow on his face. His slender body and under-average height didn’t detract from his appearance with the way Eleanor was gawking at him. I knew him to be a fair trooper.

  I began to massage my hip that suddenly began to throb, for real this time. “Damn karma,” I whispered to Eleanor. “It's what I get for feigning to feel faint.”

  “What happened in here?” Trooper Sales asked Jimmy.

  “Agnes came in and spoke with a man seated at the bar, and he pushed her to the floor.”

  Trooper Sales pulled his notebook out and began to jot down the information. “Did you happen to overhear their conversation?” He raised an eyebrow.

  I stood. “Now listen here, what are you trying to say?”

  He gave me the eye. “We have a man with a lump on his head at urgent care that said one of you knocked him out.” His gaze seemed to penetrate Eleanor and me with an intensity I hadn’t expected.

  Eleanor stepped forward. “I hit him with my purse is all.” She began to fan herself with her hand. “He shoved an old lady to the ground. He was out of line and out of control, and I had no idea what he might do next!” Her face turned red, and she tipped her head down, and raised it again displaying tears in her eyes.

  The trooper narrowed his eyes. He turned to Jimmy. “Is that how it went?”

  “Yes, and I think she needs to see a doctor because before you came in, she nearly fainted.”

  “She seems fine now.”

  This damn man isn’t so easily fooled, I thought. It’s like he sees right through me.

  “Is that what they taught you in Saginaw – that it’s acceptable to knock old ladies around?” Jimmy asked.

  “Jesus, Jimmy, the man’s daughter is missing. He’s kind of on edge.”

  “I have reason to believe he is impeding the investigation in his daughter’s disappearance,” I countered.

  “In what way?”

  “His daughter was seeing Kevin Marks, and when I went there to question him further, an ambulance was there. Someone had beaten that poor boy terribly, someone with a temper.” I smoothed my hair back. “I think William may have something to do with it.”

  “So you have been snooping around, again?” He raised his hand, halting me from saying anything further. “The Michigan State Police are handling the investigation, and we don’t need your help. If you continue to involve yourself in this case, you’re going to find yourself in trouble.”

  “Seems to me, you’d appreciate the help. When my granddaughter went missing last year, the police just sat on their laurels.”

  “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way, Agnes. I’d hate to lock an old lady up, unless you give me no other choice.” He strolled back out into the parking lot and took off.

  “This is a bunch of crap. He threatens to arrest me and not do a damn thing about William. I could have broken something.”

  “Those troopers don’t care about us. I bet when we drive through town later, he’ll be at Tim Horton’s for a double dipped donut,” Eleanor said, nodding.

  I handed Jennifer’s photo to Jimmy. “Jimmy, do you recognize the girl in this picture?”

  “I can’t help you, Agnes.” He never even glanced at the picture.

  “Why not?”

  “I gave the information to the man that pushed you down already. She was in here asking questions about her mother before she disappearance.”

  “Well, what did you tell him?”

  “I told him to check Roy’s bait shop.”

  Ice ran up my spine. “Come on, Eleanor.”

  I ran out the door with Eleanor in tow, got into the car, and raced toward the bait shop. “I sure hope we get there before William does.”

  “He’s at urgent care, didn’t you hear?”

  “Man like that probably has goons working for him. That’s probably how Kevin got beat up while William was filing the missing person’s report.”

  “You think he’d hurt Roy?”

  “They hurt Kevin, and William’s proven to me he has a violent streak. You saw what he did to me.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about Roy though. He’s not the type to let somebody get the best of him. He was in the Marines.” Eleanor nodded.

  I pulled into the bait shop and saw two black Impalas in the lot. I dialed 911 and jumped out of the car while Eleanor shuffled inside her purse. I didn’t wait. I had to save Roy.

  When I opened the door, I saw Roy on the far side of the room with a hunting knife in his right hand, jabbing at one of the men.

  “You bastards picked the wrong person to harass.”

  I could see he had a cut across the top of his forehead that was seeping blood. I sized up the four men surrounding Roy. They were tall with dark complexions, Italians I think. They pushed him against the counter, while another man struck Roy in the stomach. Roy grunted and almost fell, but they held him up. It was clear to me they weren’t through with him yet as he took another blow to his face.

  I stood there as if watching a movie. I felt rooted to the spot. I would be an even
easier target than Roy, but I hit the floor when I heard a gun explode, and the bullet struck a net above the men’s heads, showering them with seashells. One of the men fell, and the other two tripped when they tried to scramble away. I heard another explosion. The bullet struck a metal pan on the wall this time and ricocheted in the small shop until it stuck the only man left standing right in the ass.

  “Freeze suckers,” Eleanor shouted. She walked forward with a menacing look on her face. Her eyes darting between the men, her lips curled back into a snarl. She was holding a pink gun in her shaking hand.

  “You better listen to her,” I shouted.

  I’m not sure if they felt intimidated, but they lit out into the back room. We heard clattering followed by screams and a growl. I could hear them kick the back door open, and we watched through the windows as the trio ran for their cars, leapt into them, and screeched onto US 23.

  Roy’s face mirrored mine.

  “Eleanor, where in the hell did you get that gun?” I asked.

  “I bought it.”

  “When? Where?”

  “In Saginaw. Awwww, don’t worry, it’s legal. I have papers to prove it.”

  “Well, put it away before the police get here.”

  Eleanor shoved the gun back into her purse, and I looked expectedly at Roy.

  “You have a dog in the back room?” I shook looking through the open doorway. I could see two glowing eyes peeking from the darkened room. I gulped hard.

  “No, coon.”

  “You have a flippin’ raccoon back there?” Eleanor asked.

  We dodged behind the counter for safety.

  “It’s much better than a dog and twice as mean.” He looked up at the dangling net. “I’m sure glad you didn’t kill me, Eleanor. You don’t seem to be a very good shot.”

  She put her hands on her hips and tapped her foot. “I was nervous.”

  We heard sirens blazing up the road, and gravel scattered as they parked.

  “I don’t think we should mention the gun or the raccoon,” I whispered to Roy and Eleanor.

  They nodded in agreement. Roy crossed the room and closed the back door and finished up by sitting down on a chair. I found a paper towel and applied pressure to his head. I couldn't find anything else clean, and I feared his getting an infection.

  Sheriff Peterson ran into the shop, gun drawn, followed by the stone-faced Trooper Sales.

  Paramedics were the next to enter. I moved so they could attend to Roy.

  “What happened?” Trooper Sales asked. His face tightened and his voice took on a serious tone. “Anyone else hurt here?

  I imagined him after his shift, stopping at Hidden Cove for a stiff drink.

  “We were planning to go fishing later, and um, when we walked in four goons were putting a pounding to poor Roy here,” Even as I lied, I wondered why lying to this trooper was so hard.

  “Hmm, is that how it was, Roy?” Trooper Sales asked.

  “They saved my life! I mean if these two ladies hadn't come in when they did, I woulda been toast.”

  “Did the men say what they wanted?”

  “No, they just attacked me.”

  “I guess they were surprised when we walked in and scooted off like a buncha little girls,” Eleanor told them.

  I was about to choke on my tongue when I added. “I called 911 when I didn’t recognize the cars.”

  “I see, probably best to stay outside next time you think a crime is happening,” the trooper suggested. “I would sure hate to explain how two old ladies got offed playing Supersleuths”

  Roy was helped onto the gurney. “Agnes, please do me a favor and work my shop until I get back. The keys are hanging on the nail over there.” He pointed at the wall.

  “I can’t do that,” I said. “I don’t know anything about selling bait and tackle.”

  “Oh please, this is my busy season,” he implored.

  “Sure thing, Roy,” Eleanor said with a shrug. “Hell, it's the least we can do.” And seeing my disapproving grimace, she said to me, “What? It sounds like fun.”

  “What about the, ahhh, dog in the back? Does he... need to be fed?” I asked.

  “There is some fish in the cooler over there. Just throw it back there and close the door quick. He doesn’t cotton to strangers.”

  The sheriff and the trooper gave me an amused look.

  “At least this will keep you two out of trouble,” the trooper said. The sheriff patted him on the back, laughed, and together they left.

  Chapter Ten

  The neon sign of Roy's Bait & Tackle flashed open. It flashed like the light would go out at any moment, which I'd be happy about. It was enough to cause a person to go into a panic attack or it could be me because I was stuck minding the shop while Roy was at the hospital. Eleanor busied herself by polishing her gun. It made me more than a bit nervous, but what the heck, at least we'd be prepared if the goons showed up again.

  I sprinkled food in the minnow tank. It seemed pointless really, because they’d be dead soon enough. I glance toward the worm box with less than enthusiasm. We flipped a coin, and I won the honor of being the first person to dig worms out, just my luck.

  I swept the floor and picked up the seashells that had fallen victim to Eleanor's gunplay, and I piled them into the sink to clean because they were covered with dirt and some had not been completely shattered.

  I had placed a bell over the door earlier. If someone wanted to come back to finish the job, I wanted a forewarning.

  The bell rang, and Jack Winston walked in with a woman half his age.

  He’s my age.

  He left his wife when his children were quite young and stayed gone for a number of years. He then returned, and they seemed happy enough until her death five years ago. Ever since then, he’d been bringing a different young woman around with him everywhere he goes.

  In general, he was a male chauvinist.

  His hair was slicked back today, and he stroked his mustache. It had enough wax on it to stay in place if there were a hurricane.

  Why in the hell was he here?

  He reminded me of a cartoon. He was dressed too nice to be going fishing, wearing black dress pants and a tropical dress shirt, silk I think.

  The redhead accompanying him wore shorts so short they were practically jammed up the crack of her ass, and a rack that would make most men visibly drool. You could see her silver dollar nipples through the clingy white tee she wore.

  I knew that simply nudging Eleanor wouldn’t stop her gawking.

  “Hello there, Agnes,” Jack said. He opened his eyes wide and smiled.

  I wanted to smack the smile off his face.

  “Why does it smell so fishy here?” He sniffed the air. “Is that you, Eleanor?”

  She tried to grab him from behind the counter.

  “Ignore him, Eleanor.” I smiled at Jack. “Have you found a cure for your erectile dysfunction yet?”

  “I don’t need anything. The Johnson is working just fine. Isn’t that right, honey?” He pulled the woman close.

  The girl blushed. “It sure is, baby.” She giggled.

  “Did you hear that, Eleanor? He has a name for it, Johnson!”

  “How disgusting,” she replied.

  “Compliments of a little blue pill no doubt,” I added.

  “Summer school must be taking a break,” Eleanor said to the woman.

  The girl’s bottom lip trembled, and she seemed to be a loss for words. “Baby, do we have to stay here?”

  “No, sweetie pie, I just heard the old crones were minding the shop, and I had to see it to believe it.” He smiled, guiding the barely of age girl out the door. He rubbed his fingers along the exposed skin of her ass, and I had to stop myself from vomiting.

  “I’d take my gun and shoot myself in the head before I’d let that man touch me,” Eleanor said.

  I nodded as an amused Andrew entered the bait shop followed by a man and two young boys.

  Andrew stood back
and watched as the two boys that look to be age five and six jumped around the shop excitedly. I panicked when I saw them looking at the worm case.

  “Settle down boys,” the man with the two boys said.

  “We have a nice tank of minnows over here,” I suggested.

  “Worms are better,” Eleanor offered.

  “Minnows have always been the way to go.” I smiled playfully. I hated this sales crap.

  “Worms are more fun.” Eleanor grinned down at the children. “We have some fat, juicy ones in there. It’s so cool when you grab one of those slippery buggers.” She danced her fingers along the counter for emphasis.

  “Daddy, can we get worms?” one boy asked.

  He nodded. “I always liked worms when I was your age. I’d like twelve of your juiciest worms.”

  Eleanor beamed, and I wanted to give her a pinch.

  “Agnes would be more than happy to help you.”

  I made my way to the case, opened it, and saw I’d have to dig into the moist soil to retrieve them. I picked up a Styrofoam container and scooped some dirt in the bottom. Holding my breath, I worked my fingers in the dirt and pulled worms out and placed them into the box. What I really wanted to do was gag.

  “These suckers are kind of hard to pull out,” I said. I yanked a fat sucker and flung it into the air, and it landed in Eleanor’s cleavage.

  Laughter echoed as we heard her scream. She pushed her hand down her shirt, searching frantically for the worm. Panting loudly, she finally pulled it out. “What in the hell are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack?”

  I handed the container of worms to the man, and he dropped money on the counter. Tears of laughter continued running down his face as he led the boys out the door.

  Andrew chuckled. “You two should go on the road. You’re a couple of comedians.”

  Eleanor sat down and pouted.

  “Oh stop it, Eleanor. You deserved it, and you know it.”

  “My fault?” She puffed her chest up.

  “You egged them on.”

  “I’m not speaking to you right now. I’d never do something like that to you.” She smiled at Andrew. “Isn’t this the hot-shot lawyer you used to cream your pants over when you lived in Saginaw?”