The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus 3

by Michael Anderle

  A hissing, spiraling portal appeared high up and disappeared in less than a second in a puff of smoke. Another portal, this one translucent, appeared half out of the ground at a forty-five-degree angle and lingered for about five seconds.

  Shay pointed up. “Stuff like that doesn’t help.” She gestured around. “The thing is, the trees look weird, but they are still alive, so it’s not like this area sucks away life or something.” She glanced down at the chicken figurine and shook her head. “I swear, the next time I see the Fixer, I’m gonna punch him in the nose. I refuse to believe this thing isn’t some sort of joke.”

  James frowned as he looked between the trees. There were no normal trees left, every single one having a curved trunk that made them resemble upside-down candy canes. A mix of iridescent greens and dull browns dotted the leaves. The extremely patchy grass was more brown than green, although occasionally there were blood-red streaks.

  He narrowed his eyes as something glowing seeped up from the ground and out of the darkened shadows in the forest. “Do you see that?”

  “Yeah, I do.” Shay frowned. “What is it?” She stowed the tracking instrument and grabbed the hilt of her sword.

  James pulled his .45 as Whispy beamed excitement into his mind.

  Engage new enemies. Achieve maximum adaptation.

  The glow grew brighter as its source filled in the empty space between the trees. A dense fog of glowing particles wrapped around the trunks and stretched toward James and Shay.

  Something hissed in the fog, and James aimed in that direction. Shay drew her sword with a frown as the fog thickened. The mist flashed.

  Now what?

  16

  Adaptation in progress, Whispy reported.

  Huh? What are you talking about? I wasn’t even attacked.

  Adaptation in progress. Unexpected spatial displacement.

  I’ll worry about it later. I’ve got someone to chat with.

  Bipedal reptilian creatures emerged from the fog. They were covered in thick dark-green scales and held swords in their clawed hands. The short, curved blades appeared to be made of a semi-reflective metal, and James wondered if they were magic.

  The creatures hissed, their tongues licking the air and their slitted yellow eyes focused on James. A few let out quick screeches.

  “What the fuck are you bastards?” James muttered. “I’ve got a few ideas, but you mind telling me?”

  Whispy reiterated his litany of death and destruction, and the bounty hunter was half-inclined to agree. A group of creatures with weapons hadn’t shown up to get ready for a dance.

  In the truck on the way to the forest, Shay had mentioned something from Romanian legend called a Zmeu. In the old stories, the intelligent and dangerous creature sometimes took the form of a half-man, half-dragon. In others, they took on human form to trick their enemies. The monsters before him were good candidates for Zmeu, even if they lacked wings. Whatever they were, they didn’t look friendly.

  The thick glowing fog stopped its forward spread and instead started to encircle James as if it were alive.

  James frowned but kept his attention focused on the Zmeu.

  Extreme spike in background energy levels, Whispy announced. Analyzing exposure to alternative energy source and integrating with previous modifications for additional power.

  “Back the fuck off,” James bellowed, pointing his gun at the nearest Zmeu. “If you don’t screw with me, I won’t screw with you. I’m not here to fuck with you Zmeu or whatever the hell you are. I’m here to help my woman get some stupid-ass evil instrument, not clean up the magical zoo.”

  Additional monsters emerged from the fog, each armed with the same type of black metal sword.

  Damn. Surprised Shay’s been so quiet.

  “These are Zmeu, right, Shay?” James called out. “Or are they something else? Should I fuck them up, or do you have a different idea?”

  When Shay didn’t reply, he looked to his side and growled. His heart kicked up. She wasn’t there. He jerked his head back and forth, seeking his woman. The monsters surrounded him on all sides now, but there was no sign of Shay or any evidence she’d been anywhere near him.

  “What the fuck did you bastards do with Shay?” James yelled. “You’ve got five fucking seconds to tell me or bring her back, or I will end you. Do I fucking make myself clear?”

  The monsters’ only response was a chorus of hisses and low screeches. A few brandished their swords.

  “Don’t spew that dinosaur shit at me,” James called. “Back the fuck off, or I will make you back the fuck off.”

  The Zmeu spread evenly around him, raising their weapons. They gave no indication that they cared, or even understood his words. A few jogged toward him, readying their weapons and screeching.

  “Time’s up, assholes.” James fired his .45 at a Zmeu’s head. The bullet bounced off with a spark, but all the creatures leapt back, gripping their swords tighter and hissing even louder. He lowered his gun and tried to put three rounds in the creature’s scaly chest, but the armor there didn’t seem any more vulnerable to his gunfire than the head had.

  Well, fuck.

  Whispy grew excited

  James narrowed his eyes. He’d expected them to charge once they realized his gun didn’t work, but they’d moved backward after each shot, their tongues flicking in what he interpreted as a mixture of fear and agitation.

  Afraid of guns, huh? Is that it? You get used to the Romanian Army shooting you with anti-magic bullets? But how long is my shit gonna hold you, since it doesn’t even work?

  The creatures continued to watch him warily, their fingers flexing on the hilts of their weapons, but they didn’t charge. If guns didn’t work, it was time for something different.

  James took his chance to yank out, prime, and toss two grenades into different groups of Zmeu. They exploded among the dragon men, knocking several of them down, but the creatures scrambled back to their feet with loud screeches and hisses but no obvious wounds. His frag grenades had accomplished nothing more than annoying them. Again, the attack was at least enough to keep them from launching their own.

  No wonder the Romanians keep this shit locked down. Maybe I should throw in an anti-magic magazine? No, I’ll save that. There might be something a lot worse than these things in these woods. I’m not here to clean out this forest. I’m here to help Shay get that damned cobza.

  James holstered his gun and growled as he spun, again seeking any sign of Shay. There was neither blood nor any of her equipment on the ground, but the damned glowing fog was still surrounding them, even if it did seem less dense than before.

  The Zmeu edged forward with careful steps, letting out the now-familiar mix of hisses and screeches and shaking their swords.

  “Is that supposed to intimidate me? Fuck you.”

  James didn’t give a shit about the dragon men. He needed to find Shay. He wasn’t losing her to a bunch of fucking reptiles in the middle of some Romanian forest. He clenched his hand into a fist.

  Sufficient power for advanced transformation.

  James grunted, surprise eroding his concern. There is?

  Additional background energy source interface achieved. Compatible with previous extended baseline matrix modifications.

  That was one way to save his special ammo.

  James dropped his backpack to the ground. Let’s do it, then.

  Silver-green tendrils shot from his amulet, covering his chest, legs, and arms with armor. The Zmeu leapt back, startled. A blade extended from his right arm, and he let out a low growl. The monsters hissed and pointed their swords at him, his sudden transformation throwing them off-guard.

  Bet these bastards have never seen this before.

  Although James was worried and irritated, he wasn’t anywhere near as angry as he’d been during any of his previous transformations, and he certainly didn’t feel the nearly mindless anger that had consumed him during his initial advanced transformation. Even in the odd situat
ion he was currently in, the usefulness of better control of his abilities didn’t escape him.

  The previous anger-based system made perfect sense if he thought about it the right way. It’d seemed odd to him when he’d first achieved advanced transformation that he needed to be so furious. A mindless warrior couldn’t execute good battlefield tactics, but the realization that the symbiont was supposed to be in control had clarified everything.

  James was supposed to be nothing more than the Vax version of a Swiss Army Knife, along with a glorified battery. Anger didn’t matter if the symbiont was focusing on the tactics. He’d upended that system by maintaining control, and now he was going around the system again by finding a new way to fuel his powers. He had no idea if it would work anywhere except this magically-damaged forest, but he’d take the advantage for the moment.

  He pointed his blade at one of the Zmeu. “Where is she?” he demanded. “Where the fuck is Shay? Did you teleport her somewhere? Push her through a portal?”

  If grenades or regular bullets didn’t work, it was time to find out if his Vax weaponry did. He stomped forward. He’d yet to encounter anything he couldn’t defeat with Whispy’s help, and he doubted the Zmeu would be the first.

  “Bring it, you reptile assholes,” James roared.

  The creatures charged, their swords held high, their keening screeches piercing. James thrust his blade at the nearest enemy, and it pierced the Zmeu’s head with ease. Dark blue blood sprayed from the wound.

  James yanked out his weapon and slammed an armored foot into another monster, sending it flying into a nearby curved tree.

  One of the creatures managed to close the distance and slashed with its curved sword. The weapon cut through the armor on James’ side, and he grunted at the throbbing pain.

  The swords aren’t just for show, and they aren’t normal.

  New adaptation in progress, Whispy announced, faint satisfaction suffusing the thoughts. Moderate damage. Regeneration in progress.

  James stumbled as another Zmeu stabbed him in the back. He threw back an elbow, a satisfying crunch following as he caved in his attacker’s face.

  He wasn’t sure why shooting the monsters didn’t work but crushing them with his armor-covered elbow did, but at that moment he didn’t care as long as it provided him another way to fight back against the horde surrounding him. A few more Zmeu appeared out of the fog.

  James’ wounds seeped blood, emboldening his enemies. Several of the monsters surged forward at the same time and hacked at him, and another blow cut into his arm. The next attack damaged his leg, but the wound was far shallower than any of the previous hits.

  With a loud roar, the wounded bounty hunter flung out an armored arm and knocked an attacker away before slicing across another’s body. He grunted. The horde screeched and banged clawed fists on their chests in defiance.

  “You fuckers should have finished me off the first time if you wanted to win,” James yelled.

  Primary adaptation achieved, Whispy reported. Continue to sample enemy for maximum adaptation.

  “Now you lose, assholes.”

  James repaid the Zmeu for his existing wounds by decapitating one of the monsters with a clean slice of his blade. Quick stabs into the chests of two others sent them to the ground hissing and gargling blood. Their heads crunched under his powerful stomps.

  “It didn’t have to go down like this,” James offered through gritted teeth. “I just want Shay and the fucking cobza. You didn’t have to attack me.”

  “You will die,” hissed one of the monsters. “And we will feast on your flesh, human.”

  “So you fuckers do understand me.” James bared his teeth. “Where is the woman who was with me? Tell me, or I’ll finish you all off.”

  “The forest has taken her. She will die, just like you. You’ve won nothing.”

  The monsters tried another group charge from all sides. They hacked at him with their swords, but their blades now bounced off his armor, leaving only the lightest of scratches, which repaired themselves in seconds.

  James let them attack him for a long moment before thrusting his arms out to knock several of them to the ground and kicking a couple more away. “You can’t fucking win.”

  A Zmeu leapt at James, his blade held high over his head. James impaled him in midair and tossed him to the side with a sneer.

  The pain of James’ earlier wounds continued to diminish as he methodically stabbed and sliced and diced the monsters swarming around him. For all the resistance of their scales to his bullets and grenades, his symbiont blade cut through them with ease.

  He’d give the Zmeu credit. They were brave bastards. Stupid bastards, but brave.

  Are these fuckers nanoforms, Whispy? Or are they actual monsters?

  All sampled enemies are non-nanoforms. Biological origin confirmed.

  Another batch of Zmeu emerged from the fog, but with each monster that arrived, the surrounding fog grew sparser and its light dimmer.

  I can win this shit. Just need to keep thinning the herd.

  James roared and charged the new arrivals, ignoring his residual pain. He split an enemy in half before smashing one over his knee and cracking its head open.

  The Zmeu tried to overwhelm him with sheer numbers. Some dropped their blades and leapt toward him, trying to bite his armored limbs. One sliced at his neck, drawing blood although not wounding him seriously, and James cut the creature’s arm off before removing its head. His counterattack continued, his armor now coated with blue blood.

  This is fucking pointless. Where the hell is Shay?

  James growled and stabbed through two Zmeu with one attack. Their allies, convinced he was vulnerable, rushed him again, but he pulled his weapon out of the dying monsters with ease and slashed at the ones rushing him.

  Hisses and screeches filled the air as enemy after enemy fell to the ground. The last of the Zmeu finally perished, a victim of James’ armored fist this time rather than his blade. He looked around for more fog, enemies, or Shay.

  James let out a low growl. The fog had completely dissipated. He was now surrounded only by piles of dead dragon men and a forest floor coated with blue slime.

  Regeneration sealed the holes in his armor and closed the wound in his neck. The pain from his earlier, deeper wounds had all but disappeared, so he didn’t bother to go for a healing potion. Of all the improvements in Whispy’s functionality in the last year, the increased regeneration had proven one of the most useful and obvious.

  Whispy’s happiness from the new adaptations suffused James’ mind.

  You like that shit?

  Engage new and stronger enemies for maximum adaptation.

  With the enemy defeated, James concentrated on his surroundings. He needed to find some sort of clue to figure out where Shay had gone.

  He narrowed his eyes. The density and positioning of the trees were different from when he had been with Shay.

  “Damn it, I’m not in the same place. What the fuck? Am I the one who fell into a portal, not her? That was what you meant. I got teleported.”

  James marched over to one of the trees and frowned. If he could fall through a portal or be teleported, he could easily get lost. He needed to take precautions. He carved a large number one into one of the trees.

  “Where the fuck are you, Shay?” he muttered. He glanced down at his backpack and decided to leave it on the forest floor for now. It wouldn’t fit easily over his armored shoulders.

  James concentrated for a moment and took deep breaths. He didn’t even bother asking Whispy directly. Instead, he imagined sharp points on his elbows, and the armor responded. A few more piercing options might help him in the next fight. He suspected he was far from done with sampling the forest’s bounty.

  He looked around, deciding the largest number of Zmeu corpses formed an implied arrow to the source. He set off in that direction.

  “Shay!” James bellowed. “I’m coming for you.”

  17

&nb
sp; “Okay, this is just fucking annoying as shit,” Shay muttered. “James?” she shouted. “You out here? Where the hell are you? You better not be hiding with that armor of yours.”

  This is why I prefer jobs that are in old ruins. A nice contained area, not hundreds of acres of fucking trees. It’s not even that big an area in terms of perimeter, but it’s still annoying as fuck.

  She sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out, clenching and unclenching her hands several times. When she’d taken the job, her only concern had been the relative strength of the creatures in the forest, not being separated by random magical events.

  Shay looked around and saw nothing but more damned trees. Although she had a good idea where she was, she was annoyed with the fact that she had not the faintest clue where James might be.

  I thought I was so clever with the secondary tracker, but I never thought to put one on him, or vice-versa. Great, so now he could be anywhere in this forest, and that’s assuming he’s still in the forest.

  She’d been standing with him when the glowing fog had appeared and something hissed inside it. A jagged portal appeared to their side, and the fog and James had disappeared in a flash. She had spent the last hour searching the area where the fog had appeared, but she couldn’t find any trace of the bounty hunter. At one point, she’d thought she’d heard someone yell in the distance, but she couldn’t place its direction and wasn’t sure it wasn’t the wind playing tricks on her ears.

  With our luck, he’s in the World in Between, but for now, I’ll proceed on the assumption that he’s somewhere else in this weird-ass and annoying place. No wonder the Fixer didn’t want to come here. Correk, you lazy sonofabitch, I’m going to tell you that the next time we talk face to face. Isn’t this shit like the very definition of your job?

  “James!” Shay shouted. “Can you hear me? Get your ass over here. We’ve got a job to do. This isn’t a fucking camping trip, and I don’t have time to spend all day looking for your barbeque-obsessed ass.”