Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "When did you hear?" Ryan asked.

  "Well, actually, while I was on the bus going in I heard people talking about the woman who rode all over the city on the roof of a car, and then dove into the bay to save her attacker, but of course I didn’t know it was you."

  "You should always assume that news reports of a crazy woman doing something wild are very likely about me," Ryan said, trying to lighten the mood.

  "Ally called me from San Diego and she’s the one who told me it was you two," Sara said. "She said to give you each a big hug for her."

  "We spoke to her earlier," Ryan nodded. Once again, she tried to shift the topic. "I’m a little jealous of her being able to go surfing today."

  Sara’s face grew serious as she placed her hands lightly on Ryan’s crossed arms. "I’m very glad that you’re safe." Her dark brown eyes blinked slowly as she said, "I’m also very glad I didn’t know it was happening at the time. I don’t know how your family survived the anxiety."

  Ryan had been fidgeting the entire time, but now she looked like she wanted to climb off the deck to get away from the distressing topic. "You just do what you have to," she said. "Uhm … let’s go in, huh? It’s kinda cold out here."

  Giving her a puzzled look, Sara followed her in, but as soon as they were inside, Jamie tugged on her sleeve. "She can’t talk about it, Sara. It’s still too fresh in her mind."

  Her face fell and she sighed. "Is there anything I can do?"

  "No, I don’t think so," Jamie said. "Just try to act as normally as you can. I know it’s hard, but it’s what she needs."

  Sara nodded and said softly, "She was like this when Michael died."

  Jamie blinked, having it once again hit her that Sara knew Ryan so well. "Would you come downstairs with me?" she asked. "I need some help."

  "Sure." Duffy saw they were heading downstairs, so he came along, much preferring to be away from the crowd, if possible. Jamie sat on Ryan’s desk chair, with Sara claiming the loveseat. Duffy lay at Jamie’s feet, shifting around until he was pressed up against her leg.

  "I don’t know much about how Ryan handled Michael’s death," Jamie said. "But it just occurred to me that she might have some of the same reactions to this trauma that she did then. Can you think of anything that might help me get her through this?"

  Sara gave her a puzzled look and asked, "You make it sound like this was something that Ryan did alone. Aren’t you just as upset as she is?"

  "No," she said, shaking her head. "I’m not sure why, but she’s not dealing with this well at all, Sara. She seems so bottled up. It’s beginning to frighten me."

  The brunette sighed and nodded briefly, "To be honest, she was exactly the same when Michael died. She couldn’t talk about it at all – with anyone. Her father was so worried about her he was just sick. Finally, he and Maeve forced her to go to a grief support group." She shivered and said, "It was a horrible time for the whole family."

  "They went with her?" Jamie asked.

  "Oh, no," she said. "This was a group for kids. But one of them had to take her to make her stay in the room. For the first few weeks, they dropped her off, and she’d run out of the room as soon as they left. They only found out because Martin was driving home after he'd dropped her off one day, and he passed her running down the street."

  The smaller woman shook her head. "She’s told me before about being in therapy. I got the impression that she thought she benefited from it."

  "Oh, she did," Sara said. "She was about to go mad, Jamie. It was a terrible time for her. All she did was bang on that boxing stuff that Conor had, and play Michael’s guitar. She played so long and so hard that her fingertips bled. She had calluses like I’ve never seen." She shook her head slowly. "It was so hard to reach her," she said. "It was like all of the joy was just sucked out of her. But once her father made her start talking about it, she started to let some of her anger out, and she finally got back to her old self."

  "Why was it so hard for her to talk about it with her family?" Jamie asked. "Didn’t they want to?"

  "Oh, yeah, they did. But they were as sad as she was, Jamie. I think she was afraid of making it worse for them. You know how she hates causing anyone pain." Her brow furrowed and she said, "I think Michael’s death was so awful for her because of her anger. You know how hard it is for her to express that."

  The blonde nodded, thinking that her lover hadn’t changed much at all in the intervening years. She got up and hugged Sara impulsively, saying, "Thank you. It’s really helpful to know things like this. I’ll know what to look for this time out."

  "You’re welcome," she said. "I’ll do anything to help, Jamie. Anything."

  "You’ve helped a lot," Jamie said. "Just having you here helps make things seem more normal for both of us."

  They went back upstairs, and Caitlin came toddling over. Sara stooped to swoop her into her arms, asking, "Who’s my favorite baby?"

  "Tanna!" she gurgled, her eyes bright.

  "Tanna?" Sara asked, looking to Jamie for interpretation.

  "New word," she said, winking. Turning to Caitlin, she asked in an excited voice, "Who comes down the chimney tonight?"

  The brunette caught on quickly, and she and Caitlin cried in unison, "Tanna!"

  "Aren’t they cute together?" Ryan commented to Jamie from their perch on the second floor looking down on the crowd.

  "Totally," she said fondly. They had been sitting together for quite a while, the crowd having grown too loud and the room too warm for Ryan. At the moment they were watching Mia and Jordan attempt to eat dinner. For some reason, both women had decided that the other was unable to feed herself; though the crowded room, the paper plates, and the tiny plastic knife and fork made the task a challenging one, they seemed to be having a good time, nonetheless. "I think the present was a success, babe."

  "Yeah, I even guessed the right size," Ryan noted. "When do you want to give them their tickets for New Years?"

  "Let’s do it tonight before we leave for Mass," Jamie said. "Why don’t you give Jordan hers first, just to make sure her schedule hasn’t changed. Then give me the high sign, and I’ll give Mia hers."

  "Deal," Ryan replied amiably. Her stomach had acclimated to the muscle relaxant, and her appetite had partially returned. It seemed the only thing she was interested in was cookies and ice cream, but at least she was getting some calories. They had both been munching on the assortment of desserts that the aunts had baked, and Ryan gallantly finished everything that Jamie could not handle. She put the plates aside and scooted up against the wall, pulling Jamie up against her side. As her arm wrapped around velvet-covered shoulders, Ryan leaned her head against Jamie’s. "I was just thinking about last Christmas," she said softly.

  "I’ve been thinking about that all night," Jamie said with a shy laugh. "It was so vitally important that I come to see you, I honestly didn’t care how mad Jack got if he found out. But that’s the first time I can ever remember intentionally deceiving him," she said with a quick shake of her head.

  "That must have been hard for you," Ryan said. "I know that period was particularly difficult for you and Jack."

  "You know," Jamie said thoughtfully, "I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked you for helping to keep me sane during those months. I swear, Ryan, if it wasn’t for you I would have been profoundly depressed … at best."

  Ryan squeezed her tight and murmured right into her ear," You don’t have to thank me for being your friend. It was an intensely pleasurable experience." She leaned over a tiny bit and placed a soft kiss on her partner’s cheek. "I don’t think I’ve ever expressed just how much your Christmas presents meant to me. At the time, I didn’t know exactly how much money you had, but I knew it was a lot," she said, chuckling. "I was really kinda worried that you would buy me some extravagant gift that would make me feel uncomfortable. I was so amazed when you gave me the tickets for all of the kid-oriented attractions in the city." She shook her head slowly, still savoring the memory.r />
  "Why was that so meaningful for you?" Jamie asked curiously.

  "A couple of reasons. First, it showed that you understood that buying me something expensive would offend me. It showed that you understood who I was, and that always makes me feel special. Secondly, it showed that you understood how important Caitlin was to me. Tracy had just hurt my feelings pretty badly when she made it clear that she didn’t want to spend time with the baby. You not only understood she was important to me, you wanted to come along with us, which really made me feel good."

  Jamie snuggled up a little closer, tickling Ryan’s nose with her hair as she did so. She chuckled briefly as she admitted, "You have no idea how much time I spent thinking about a gift for you. But you know, I never considered a gift that didn’t include me!" She laughed wryly as she added, "God! I was clueless!"

  "I think you’re being a little harsh with yourself," Ryan said. "We’d only known each other four months at the time, Jamie. You processed things as quickly as you could."

  "I guess, but my behavior still amazes me. Wanna hear about the gift that I really wanted to give you?"

  "Sure."

  "I actually used to dream about this one," she said, chuckling softly.

  "Dream about it?"

  "Yeah. I was so grateful for all of the time and energy that you had already expended helping me get ready for the ride. I thought, and I thought, and finally I came upon an idea that seemed just perfect. So perfect that I had several very … pleasant dreams about it."

  "This I gotta hear," Ryan said.

  "I thought that since you were teaching me to ride your way, I’d pay you back by teaching you to ride my way."

  Ryan tilted her head back and closed her eyes halfway. "I’m thinking sherpas to carry our stuff and motors on the bikes."

  Slapping at her partner's thigh, Jamie said, "Not at all! We were going to ride in the traditional way – we were just going to be riding in Tuscany," she said, her eyes glimmering with the fantasy. "I wanted to rent a couple of road bikes and ride from town to town, stopping at elegant little spots along the way."

  "Tuscany?" Ryan asked, her eyes wide.

  "Definitely," Jamie said, sighing deeply. "I’d put myself to sleep at night thinking of sitting on a broad terrace, overlooking a slope filled with lavender, the sun warming our bodies. We’d be sipping a crisp wine, eating a big slice of melon – so fresh from the fields that it was still warm. A little strip of salty prosciutto would be wrapped around the melon, and I could almost taste the contrast of the salt with the incredible sweetness of that melon." Her eyes fluttered closed, and she purred softly.

  "I can taste it now," Ryan murmured, feeling like purring herself. "What a nice thought."

  "Oh, yeah," Jamie moaned. "I’d lie in bed and think about popping that last bite of melon into your mouth … and having your teeth rake across my finger." She shivered a bit and said, "But then I’d force myself to stop thinking like that. Waaaay too dangerous. The next night though, I’d imagine feeding you an herb-flecked olive, and I’d think about your tongue sliding down my finger … and I’d have to stop for the night." She fanned herself with her open hand. "You sucked on my fingers all across Tuscany in my fantasy."

  "Did I ever feed myself?" Ryan asked, just a hint of teasing in her voice.

  "Oh, sure. And of course, sometimes you fed me," she said. "Then I’d imagine staring into your eyes while sucking on your fingers when you placed a bite of a big juicy peach in my mouth … and I’d have to stop for the night."

  "We sure would have had clean fingers," Ryan said.

  "Okay, wise guy. Do you still think I wasn’t clueless?"

  "Maybe just a tiny bit," Ryan admitted. "It’s really tough on your psyche when you’re trying to deny something that desperately wants to get out."

  "I know," she sighed. "It was wonderful to dream about, though. I knew we’d have a marvelous time."

  "Without question," Ryan said. "But I’m glad you didn’t try to give me that trip, honey. It wasn’t the right time. Now we can do something like that and suck on each other’s fingers with a consciously salacious intent."

  "Some day," Jamie said, "I’m gonna get you to Tuscany by hook or by crook. I know you’ll love it so much you won’t want to come home."

  "I look forward to it," Ryan sighed. "I can’t wait to get away from home for a while. Our trip can’t start soon enough for me."

  They were quiet for a moment, each of them thinking idly of the previous year. "I have to tell you again how much the gift you made for me meant," Jamie said. She turned slightly and regarded Ryan for a moment. "People have given me things my whole life. But I’d been given so much that things started to mean less and less to me. That little homemade training journal really made an impact on me because you made it with your own hands, and I could see how much of yourself you put into it." She chuckled once again as she admitted, "I sometimes used to read the little sayings and poems that you had written, and trace the words with my finger, imagining your hand as you wrote them. It made me feel close to you when I was lonely," she said softly.

  "I spent a lot of time making that book for you," Ryan said. "I felt like I was giving you a part of myself, and I needed it to be perfect." Ryan laughed deep in her chest, and Jamie lifted her head a bit to look up at her. "I remember getting dressed on Christmas Eve," she said. "I think I put on every sweater that I owned before I finally decided on what to wear. And as you now know, obsessing about my wardrobe was pretty unusual for me. After I fussed with myself in the mirror for 20 minutes, I finally said, ‘What’s up with you today?’ It didn’t dawn on me then that I wanted to look nice for you, but that must have been it."

  "It worked," Jamie said softly. "I remember seeing you standing there in the doorway in that deep red sweater, with your glossy black hair, and thinking that you were the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen." She turned slightly and rested her hands flat against Ryan’s chest. "I haven’t changed my mind," she said as she dipped her head and started to place sweet, gentle kisses on Ryan’s dark pink lips.

  The kisses quickly deepened in their intensity as Ryan slowly opened her mouth to allow Jamie’s questing tongue to enter. A guttural groan came from the larger woman as Jamie grasped her face with both hands and taunted her mercilessly by running her tongue all over Ryan’s lips, tracing the outlines with a maddeningly slow pace. With a growl, she leaned heavily against Ryan’s body to kiss her more deeply, feeling her quickening heartbeat against her breast. After a few moments Ryan pulled away forcefully and gasped, "I … I can’t ... it’s too much."

  "Shh …" Jamie soothed, seeing the fine glow of perspiration that had begun to form on Ryan’s skin. "I don’t mean to push you, sweetheart. I know things are intense for you right now."

  She looked absolutely helpless, her eyes wide and glassy. "I want to be close … I really want to! But it feels like I’m suffocating …"

  "We are close," Jamie reassured her. "We’ve very close, sweetheart. We’ll get through this, Ryan. I promise we’ll get through this."

  Ryan held her tight, squeezing a little harder than Jamie would have chosen, given her sore ribs, but she didn’t say a word. "Are you sure?" she rasped out.

  Pulling back, Jamie stared directly into her eyes and enunciated clearly. "I promise you that we’ll both be fine, Ryan. There isn’t a doubt in my mind."

  Seeing her confidence, Ryan nodded slowly. "I believe you," she whispered.

  "A minute ago you reminded me how tough it is on your psyche to try to hold things in. That’s why I want you to have a little therapy. You’ve got things that are trying to get out of that pretty head, and you’re trying not to let them."

  She leaned her head back and closed her eyes, and Jamie could feel her start to shake. "Not now, Jamie, not now … please."

  "I’m sorry for bringing it up again," she sighed, wrapping her lover in a snug hold. "Don’t think about it now, Ryan. Let’s just try to have as nice a Christmas as we possibly c
an."

  "I’ll try," Ryan said, her voice tight with the tension she was unable to express.

  Late in the evening, Jordan spied her friend sitting on the second floor overhang, looking down at the crowd. She excused herself from the conversation she and Mia were having with Catherine to spend a few moments alone with her. "Hey, buddy," she said as she wrapped her arm around Ryan’s waist. "You look like you’re a million miles away."

  Ryan nodded. "That feels about right."

  "So how are you … really?" she asked, locking eyes with her. "No bullshit."

  Ryan tilted her head back, and allowed herself to think for a moment. "You’re one of the first to ask that," she admitted.

  "That’s understandable." Jordan said as she leaned back and dropped her head against her friend’s shoulder. "It’s hard to know what to say."

  "It’s so odd, Jordan. I was nearly killed, and then I nearly killed someone, and the President called to congratulate me. I just can’t wrap my mind around it."

  "I truly can’t imagine," she said. "But I’m here if you want to talk about it. I mean, I’m no Jamie, but I’m a good listener."

  "Things are weird between us," Ryan said. "I don’t feel like I can vent to her, since she has her own fears and I don’t want to hear them. She was in the car with them, Jordan, and I know they said some things and did some things that scared the piss out of her, but I don’t want to know about it. This is the first time that I’ve ever been unable to be there for her."

  "Are you okay being with her if you don’t talk about it?"

  "Yeah. Off and on. We’ve actually been pretty physical with each other, holding each other and things like that." She shook her head and revealed, "I freaked out a few minutes ago, though. She started to kiss me and when she pressed her weight against me, I felt like I was being strangled." She shivered roughly and said, "I hope to God that doesn’t continue, or I’ll lose my mind. Having her close is the only thing keeping me sane."