Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "Just take it slow," Jordan said. "Talk about it in little bits --just until you start to feel uncomfortable."

  "I can’t," Ryan said, her color beginning to drain from her face. "I just can’t talk to her, Jordan."

  "Are you okay talking about it with me?"

  "Uhm … not okay," she admitted, "but it’s definitely easier. You weren’t involved," Ryan said. "That’s the key. She knows what it was like – she knows how it felt to plunge into the bay – she knows how terrifying it was to try to save Caitlin – it’s just too much. It’s like her fear makes mine exponentially greater."

  "Maybe you’d do better if you both agreed not to talk about it for a while. I mean, I know you’ve got stuff to get off your chest, and she does too. Maybe you just shouldn’t do it together."

  Ryan slid her arm around her friend and said, "Not a bad idea. Maybe we should just offer each other physical comfort for a few days."

  "Speaking of your mate, where is she?"

  Ryan shook her head slightly and pointed. "She’s talking to Sara. Actually, I was just sitting here thinking of how odd it is that Sara is still in my life."

  Chuckling mildly, Jordan said, "I don’t know how you two do it. I sure wouldn’t want Mia’s old boyfriend celebrating the holidays with us."

  Ryan’s eyes narrowed and Jordan wished she could pull her opinion back into her mouth and swallow it. Enunciating crisply, Ryan said, "Jamie asked me to invite her."

  "I wasn’t criticizing, buddy. I was actually trying to pay Jamie a compliment, but it didn’t come out like that. All I meant to say was that she’s a special woman to be able to welcome someone like Sara into your home."

  "She’s beyond special, Jordan," she said, some of the tension leaving her body. "She’s … she’s ... " Her head dropped down, and she sat completely still for a moment. "I don’t have words for what she means to me. I’m sorry I got pissed when you brought up Sara's being here, but when I think of how I feel for Jamie, compared to how I felt for her … it’s not even in the same ball park. Yes, I loved Sara, but Jamie’s my very life."

  "That’s how you treat her, too," the blonde assured her.

  "Sometimes," Ryan mumbled softly. "Not often enough."

  "We’re all guilty of that," Jordan said. "It’s when you come close to losing someone that you stand back and think of how you sometimes fail to appreciate people like you should." She smiled gently at Ryan and said, "I spend a lot of time thinking about Mia. There have been so many opportunities that I’ve let pass me by. Damn, Ryan, I’ve been in love with her almost from the start." She lifted her head and gazed at her friend sadly. "Why haven’t I told her?"

  "I can’t answer that," Ryan said. "But you can remedy your oversight at any time, buddy."

  "I’m just … I’m just chicken," she muttered.

  "I think she loves you too, Jordan."

  Jordan blushed deeply as she admitted, "I think she’s leaning in that direction. God! I’ve never had anyone in my life act that happy to see me! It just made my heart ache, Ryan," she said as she shook her head. "I find out on Friday if I make the team. Maybe once I know what my status is, I’ll feel more confident about talking to her about a commitment."

  "Are you planning on coming home to see her if you make the team?"

  Jordan shook her head glumly, "No, I just can’t swing it. I’ll get paid if I make the team, but this is all gratis now. I’ve been running through my money really quickly since I can’t stand to eat in the dorm. It’s not bad food, but it’s dorm food, you know? We’ve been eating out almost every meal, and Colorado Springs is expensive," she said. "We’re planning on spending New Year's Eve talking on the phone," she said with a wry chuckle. "Mia was thinking about coming over, but I can’t have her stay with me in the dorm. We’d have to get a hotel room, and they’re really expensive because of this millennium nonsense. So we decided that she’d wait and come visit me if I make the team. Then I’ll have an apartment where we can have some privacy."

  "That sounds like a pretty grim way to see in the New Year," Ryan murmured, her math conscience unwilling to incorrectly call it the new millennium.

  "Well, the good news is that if I get cut, I can take the last plane out and be home for New Year's Eve. Of course, I’ll be so depressed, I’ll feel like killing myself!"

  "I don’t think that’s a very good plan," Ryan said as she shook her head. "I think you should plan to do something that you would enjoy -- no matter what happens." She reached into her side pocket and pulled out a slightly rumpled envelope, handing it to Jordan with a smile.

  "What’s this …?" she began, but quickly stared at Ryan in slack jawed surprise. "Miami?" she asked slowly. "But why …?"

  "That’s just the first stop," Ryan said. "Jamie’s mom found us a great hotel in the Bahamas, and we want you and Mia to join us. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather see the New Year in with than you two."

  "But, Ryan," she said weakly, "this is just so … so incredibly generous …"

  "Would you like to come?" Ryan asked as she lowered her gaze and stared into Jordan’s eyes.

  "Of course!"

  "That’s all that matters," Ryan said. "It will really make it special for us to have our best friends with us." She smiled up at her friend, and gasped a bit as Jordan threw her arms around her and squeezed her tight.

  "This means more than I can ever tell you," she said. "Not just the trip, and not just the chance to be with Mia, but to be one of your close friends." She couldn’t stop the tears from falling as Ryan wrapped her in a gentle embrace. They held each other close for a few minutes until Jordan pulled back and let out a soft sob. "I was so fucking scared for you guys last night," she said as a shiver ran down her body. "You both mean so much to me."

  "You mean a lot to us too, Jordan, and we’re both going to try to be around for a very long time."

  "That’s my Christmas wish," she said softly, squeezing Ryan until her ribs ached.

  Ryan caught Jamie’s eye and gave her a ‘thumbs up’ sign that was really unnecessary once the smaller woman caught sight of Jordan’s beaming face.

  They watched together as Jamie pulled Mia aside and broke the news to her. The scream that the brunette let out shocked the entire room into momentary silence, and every eye watched her scramble up the stairs to throw her arms around each of the tall women on the second floor. By the time Jamie got upstairs, they all shared a group hug for a few moments as the assembled audience returned to their conversations.

  Jumping up and down, Mia cried, "We’re gonna have so much fun!"

  "Lying on the beach, swimming in the ocean … What’s not to love?" Jordan asked.

  "I don’t care if we have to make love in shifts to have some privacy," Mia said.

  "No need, pal," Jamie said. "We rented a little cottage with two bedrooms and two baths. You two can howl all night long."

  Mia grasped Jamie’s face with both hands and vowed, "You are my permanently enshrined best friend!"

  The curly-haired woman leaned in and gave Jamie a very enthusiastic kiss right on the mouth, and as she pulled back Jamie blinked her eyes to focus while she murmured, "Why didn’t you do that in high school? I would have seen the light years earlier!"

  Part 2

  An hour later they were ensconced in a pew at St. Philip’s with Martin and Maeve, Catherine and Jim, Brendan and Maggie, Rory, Conor, Tommy and Annie, Sara, all of the aunts and uncles, and three of the twelve cousins. Mia and Jordan had taken Jennie and all of the loot back to Berkeley just before the crowd left for Mass, and Ryan had little doubt as to what two of the three of them were doing right then.

  It took a few minutes for Ryan to get comfortable in the familiar old church, site of every one of her Christmas eves. She was a little reticent to allow her mind free rein since she was justifiably worried about what might float to the top. But the travails of the previous two days lifted slightly and seemed to fade into the distance after just a few minutes of stillness.


  To the strains of Joy to the World, the congregants began to disperse. The church had been filled to capacity, and as they hit the steps, Ryan sucked in a deep breath of the cool, moist air and threw her head back, gazing up at the stars for a moment.

  Her partner came up beside her and softly asked, "You seemed a little shaky in there. Too close?"

  "Yeah," Ryan said quietly, nodding her head. "I’ve never liked crowds, but since the uhm … accident … I feel a little claustrophobic. It was starting to get to me."

  "Your hand felt clammy when I touched you a little while ago," Jamie said as she searched Ryan’s face for an indication of how upset she was. "Why didn’t you get up and come outside for a breath of air?"

  "Mmm … I don’t like to give in to things like that," Ryan said dismissively. "It’s just mind over matter." She stretched again, and Jamie could nearly see the stiffness that had settled in her muscles. She knew that her partner was feeling very sore, but Ryan refused to even acknowledge her pain – although she religiously took her muscle relaxants every six hours, an act Jamie knew was a massive concession to the signals her body was sending out.

  Looking around at the large crowd they were with, Ryan cast a speculative look at her father-in-law. He had been doing his best to fit in with the family ever since the incident, and she had to admit that it was more than odd to see him in the group. Having him attend Mass was weird enough, but when he and Catherine got to his car, he offered a happy wave and said, "See you at home, girls."

  "Did I miss something?" Ryan asked quietly as the assembled throng walked back towards the O’Flaherty house. "Your dad acts like he’s living with your mom again."

  "I think we did miss something," Jamie said, her face scrunched up in a puzzled frown. "I don’t know what’s going on, but I suppose there’s only one way to find out."

  Jim had insisted that the young women drive his Range Rover, and they’d stowed their overnight bags in the car on the way to Mass. It was now parked in the drive, and they paused in front of it to say their goodbyes, anxious to get going on their drive to Hillsborough. It was hard for Ryan to say goodbye to her father – having never been away from him on Christmas morning, but she muddled through because this was important to Catherine – and by extension, to Jamie.

  As they settled themselves into the car, Ryan spent a few minutes adjusting the mirrors and the electric seat to her preferences. As she pulled out she said, "Maybe we should just take this car off your dad’s hands. I don’t think he’s driven it in months, has he?"

  "No, I don’t think so," Jamie said. "I guess we could, and I’m sure he’d be happy to give it to us, but I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. I think we need to maintain a little distance with him for a while. I mean … I don’t think he’d use it for leverage if he was angry with us, but you never know." She sighed heavily and said, "I feel like I’m just learning who he is. Much of what I knew about him before wasn’t really accurate, and I just don’t want to step on any potential landmines."

  Ryan nodded, understanding her lover’s worry. "Yeah, I didn’t think of it like that, but we probably should be more self-sufficient. Besides," she said, grinning, "you look like you’re driving your daddy’s car when you’re in this behemoth."

  Jamie sniffed and tossed her head as she said, "It doesn’t fit my mature, sophisticated image, does it?"

  Ryan smiled at her. "I bet you’re dreading another trip to the car dealer with me, aren’t ya? Especially after I assured you we wouldn’t need to go again until the wheels fell off the Lexus."

  "Maybe I’ll just call Sandra, and ask her to find me a similar deal," Jamie said. "You haven’t changed your mind about liking the car, have you?"

  "No, I like it a lot. It’s a nicer car than I ever dreamed of having, so I’d be happy with a steady diet of Lexi. Ya think that’s the plural?"

  Jamie smiled at her, recognizing that the question was rhetorical. "Let’s wait until we get back from the Bahamas to decide what to do. We can use the Range Rover until then."

  Ryan gave her a startled look and placed her hand over her heart, feeling the strong beat against her fingers.

  "What’s wrong?" Jamie asked, turning in her seat to look closely at her.

  "I’m just checking to make sure I’m in the right body," Ryan said, her head shaking slowly. "We’re sitting in a Range Rover, talking about buying a second Lexus – but we have to wait until we return from our quick little jaunt to Eleuthra to make up our minds. I know this is run-of-the-mill stuff for you, but every once in a while it makes my head spin!"

  Jamie reached over and patted her leg, looking at her with warm concern. "You know, I have to admit that when we were first together I thought you were being a little silly about the money thing," she said, "but after being a part of your family for six months, I’ve gotten a very different perspective. I see how your family looks at money as almost incidental to their happiness – rather than as a requirement. Do you know what I mean?"

  "Yes, I do," Ryan said. "That’s it exactly. I mean, yes, it’s gonna be marvelous to lie on a pink sand beach and soak up the sun after the bitch of a time we’ve had lately. But I could honestly be just as happy with a bottle of bubble bath, our tub, and a delivered pizza. It’s the quality of the relationship that matters – not the accoutrements."

  "We’re agreed." Casting a glance at her partner, Jamie followed up with a question. "Given that you’d be happy at home, why did you so willingly jump on the bandwagon about our vacation?"

  Ryan smiled and said, "I’m not averse to being pampered. We’ve had a tough time – a lot tougher as of last night – and getting away from the madness at this point is one of the things that’s helping me keep it together. I’m clinging to the thought of this trip like a life raft." She shook her head briskly, trying to banish the recurrent images that were on the verge of overwhelming her again. Consciously trying to focus on their upcoming trip, she said, "I know I act like a Spartan sometimes, but I like creature comforts as much as the next guy. I’m looking forward to being spoiled a little. My only reservation is that I don’t ever want to get to a place where I need pampering to feel happy. I would be very, very disappointed in myself if that ever happened."

  "I can’t see that happening. I grew up thinking I needed stuff to be happy, and you’ve shown me that I don’t. If I can be converted to the good side, it’s clearly the better way."

  Giving her a wide grin, Ryan said, "Welcome to the team, babe."

  Ryan had the moon roof open, hoping the cold air would help her to stay awake, and they were singing Christmas carols as they drew near Hillsborough. The dark head lifted as she heard the distinctive whine of a helicopter. "Do the police search for many fleeing felons around here?"

  "No, I’ve never seen a helicopter here. Maybe there’s an accident on the freeway."

  "Freeway’s that way," Ryan said, jerking her head in the opposite direction. "That one’s over residences."

  Jamie peered at the chopper, noticing it had the emblem for the local ABC affiliate on the tail. With eyes wide she looked at Ryan in dismay. "You don’t think …"

  As they came closer to the house, their fears were confirmed. The street was so filled with cars, vans and news trucks, that they had a very difficult time even getting up to the driveway entrance. Two uniformed Hillsborough police officers were blocking the drive, but when they spotted the Range Rover, they lifted the barricades and signaled Ryan to approach. She rolled down the window and exchanged grim looks with the officer.

  "We’ve kept them off the property, ma’am, but there’s only two of us. I suggest you park close to the house and make a dash for it."

  She nodded, cursing under her breath as they rolled the car up as close as they could get to the front door. As they got out, the reporters started yelling questions at them, their voices growing more frantic when the door opened and Jim dashed out, helping them in with their bags.

  Jamie was shaken by the feeding-frenzy, and she stood in th
e doorway shivering as her father closed the door on the stunningly bright lights that were aimed at them. "Why are they following us? What do they want?" Catherine walked over to her daughter and wrapped her in a hug, holding on tightly until she could feel the trembling body stop shaking.

  "Maybe I need to get my office involved," Jim said, his brow furrowed in concentration. "You could record a statement, then we could play it for everyone with equal access. That might satisfy them."

  Ryan walked into the living room and sank onto one of the sofas, shaking her head the entire time. She looked at her partner and said, "Jamie, you can do what you want, but I’m not talking to anyone … ever. They can follow me to the grave."

  Jamie knew that her partner meant business, and she turned her gaze from Ryan to her father, and then back again. Making a decision, she said, "I’m with Ryan, Daddy. You can make a statement about us being safe and all of that public relations crap, but we’re not going to talk."

  Jim’s severe expression softened, and he came over to perch on the edge of the coffee table so that he could look at both young women at once. "I appreciate your feelings on this, but you’re public figures now – even though you don’t want to be. Particularly you, Jamie. I know you didn’t ask for this, but as the daughter of a senator, you come under heightened scrutiny."

  She leveled her gaze at him, grasping Ryan’s hand as she did so. "They can scrutinize us all they want. I won’t participate in it. This was a terrifying experience for both of us, and talking about it in public will make it even more upsetting. We’re not going to budge on this, Daddy. I’m sorry." She brought her partner’s hand to her lips and kissed it lightly, feeling some of the tension leave it. Privately, she thought her father had a point, but she knew that Ryan was not the sort of woman who could bear to have strangers intrude on her or her family, and she had no intention of doing anything but support her without question.

  He folded his hands and looked down at them for a moment. "Don’t apologize. I think it might go away sooner if you talk, but I could be wrong. You have to do what you think is right." Getting up from the table, he walked to the small bar in the living room and said, "Cognac, anyone? My nerves are shot!"