Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "Coulda started there," Ryan said. "Saved me from speaking a few needless sentences."

  "You relax with Jordan for a bit. I’m sure she’s got some things on her mind, too."

  "Sensitive chat time, huh?"

  "Not sure," Jamie said. "I just feel like something’s up."

  "You’re rarely wrong, hon. You two be careful, okay? You have a propensity for getting into trouble."

  Jamie gave her a smile and said, "Look who’s talking. Trouble is your middle name."

  Ryan had finished drying off and was looking around for something to put on. Jamie handed her one of the terry cloth robes the hotel provided, and as she shrugged into it she said, "I don’t know why that’s true. Especially when my personal motto is, ‘Is fear rith maith ná drochsheasamh’."

  "Which means?" Jamie asked, cocking her head a little.

  "A good run is better than a bad stand," Ryan said, adding a rakish wink.

  Ryan sat on the deck, her long legs propped up on the railing. The sun had just set, and as she watched the small waves breaking on the shore she allowed herself to enjoy the deep sense of tranquility that enveloped her.

  Jordan came out and sat next to her, reaching over to grasp her dangling hand. The blonde brought it to her lips and kissed the knuckles, smiling at Ryan when she lazily turned in her direction. "Thanks so much for this, Boom. It’s gonna be a long nine months, and being able to remember this weekend will get me through some lonely nights."

  "I’m glad you’re both here," Ryan said. "It wouldn’t seem like New Year’s without our friends here with us."

  "This is slightly preferable to last year," the blonde said. "I went on a blind date with some guy who got stinking drunk and grabbed me so many times that I actually had bruises. He was one of those tonsil ticklers, too." She shivered from the memory and said, "I think that was my last date until Mia."

  Ryan gave her a smile and said, "Mine wasn’t bad, but I had a few bruises myself." She shook her head as she recalled, "Thanks to Jamie’s urgings, I’d finally decided to find a steady girlfriend."

  "Jamie’s urgings?"

  "Yep. I’m not sure what her real motivation was … she probably doesn’t know either … but she thought I would be happier if I let someone get close." She gave Jordan a smile and said, "I am happier, by the way, so I can’t fault her reasoning."

  "Who was the woman?" Jordan asked.

  "A woman from school. Nice person … met her in the same psych class where I met Jamie. Anyway, I decided to do things differently with her and not sleep with her until I knew her well. She was generally cool with that, but she got a little drunk on New Year’s Eve, and she tried her best to get me to give it up." She shook her head in memory and related, "I was close … but I kept thinking of Jamie, and that she would be disappointed in me if I didn’t follow through like I said I would." Glancing at Jordan she said, "I think both Jamie and I knew there was something going on between us, but we just couldn’t admit it. I think that’s why I didn’t sleep with my date that night. She just wasn’t Jamie."

  Jordan nodded somberly and slowly tilted her head back until she was gazing up at the faint stars, barely visible against the pale blue background of the sky. "Speaking of admitting something, I almost told Mia I loved her this afternoon."

  "You know," Ryan said, "I don’t know why, but it seemed like you were both headed there. That’s why we left. It seemed like there was a lot of emotion whirling around out here."

  "Yeah, there was," she said. "I lost my nerve right in the middle of it, of course. I told her I love … how she treats me."

  "Ouch," Ryan said, wincing. "Well, look at the bright side … you can always do it later. Some poor woman told me that she loved me once. I gave her this totally stupid look and said, "That’s nice." She slapped herself in the head and grumbled, "Think I was stuck on myself enough?"

  "Aw … don’t be so hard on yourself. What else can you say when someone tosses that at you when you’re not ready for it?"

  "Is that what you’re worried about, Jordan? Are you afraid Mia doesn’t feel the same?"

  The blonde hair brushed against Jordan’s shoulders as she shook her head. "No, not any more. I mean … she talks about us like we’re a couple, Ryan. Did you hear her talking about living down here? I think she really wants us to be together for a long time … I think she does love me, Ryan."

  She said this with so much regret in her voice that Ryan was completely puzzled. "Is that a bad thing?" she asked.

  "No, no, it’s a good thing. It’s a very good thing … but only in some ways." She looked up at Ryan and said, "What do I do, Ryan? I can’t have her just hang around and wait for me to quit playing my little game. I’m gonna be all over the world this year … we play in Asia, and Europe and South America. That’s not the way to start a relationship, Ryan. I just don’t know that it’s fair to her."

  "You have to let her determine what’s fair for her, Jordan. She’s a big girl, and she can make her own decisions. Be honest with her and let her decide … You owe her that much."

  She nodded, acknowledging that Ryan had a point. "I’ll see if the time is right. I’m thinking about asking her to stay in Florida for a few days to watch our tournament. Would she have any trouble switching her tickets?"

  "No, they’re fully refundable. She can change them as many times as she wants."

  "Maybe I’ll talk to her at the end of the tournament and see if she thinks we should commit to each other. Then she’ll know what it’s like to be around the team, and if she can see herself fitting in."

  "She’s not trying out for the team, Jordan. It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like the other women."

  "Well, in a way it does, Ryan. I’m gonna share an apartment with three of them. It would be a long year if Mia hated ‘em."

  "Are they nice women?"

  She shrugged and said, "Two are. They’re a couple, so they’re gonna share a room – which will give me a single. But the other woman is kinda … oh, I don’t know. She seems to have a thing for me … makes me a little uncomfortable."

  "You don’t have a lot of experience with this yet, pal. You’ll figure out how to say no without being rude."

  "Yeah, I know. Hey!" she said. "If I bring Mia to Florida that will give my teammate the message."

  "Her and everyone else you encounter," Ryan said.

  Jordan blinked at her and said, "I don’t know why I was so freaked about anyone finding out about me. The whole team is totally cool with the lesbians, and the coaching staff is as well. I’m gonna poke my head out of the closet and see how the world looks."

  "I think you’ll like the view," Ryan said. "Just make sure that Mia wants her head poked out as well."

  Jordan rolled her eyes and said, "If it’s not one thing, it’s another! Damn, sometimes I envy straight people. All they have to work on is the relationship. They don’t have to spend time worrying about what society will think of them."

  "Yeah, but they don’t get to have a parade," Ryan said, her eyes crinkling up in a grin.

  "Well, that makes it all even out," Jordan said, slapping Ryan playfully.

  They relaxed for a few more minutes, just listening to the distant sound of the waves hitting the shore. Jordan reached over, and placed a hand on Ryan’s shoulder and asked, "It’s been over a week now, buddy, how are you?"

  "Really?" Ryan asked. "Sure you want to know?"

  "Of course!" Jordan said. "Damn, Ryan, I’ve shown you the darkest corners of my psyche. Of course I want to hear how you’re dealing with this. That’s what friends are for."

  "You’re right," she said. She spent a moment thinking of her current emotional state, then said, "It’s a little hard to describe … the only way I can think of it is in terms of weather."

  "Weather?"

  "Yeah. It feels like it’s one of those nice, warm, breezy days in the middle of summer. It looks just perfect out, but there’s something – some indefinable feeling – that gives you the sens
e that things aren’t what they seem. Without warning, the weather changes dramatically, and you get a horrible thunderstorm – with rain, and hail and maybe even a tornado. In retrospect, you knew something bad was going to happen, but you just couldn’t put your finger on it." She shrugged her shoulders and said, "That’s how I feel. I know something bad, and dark and devastating is right under the surface – but I’m in this wonderful place with the woman I love, and our best friends. I’m trying my best to really enjoy this – but it’s hard to relax, because I know it won’t last long." She shivered from head to toe and added, "It’s hard for me to talk about this. Can we stop?"

  Jordan got out of her chair, and crouched down in front of her friend. "Sure, we don’t have to talk about it. But if you change your mind, I’m never more than a phone call away. I’ve been through some tough times, too, Ryan, and I want to help you through this if I can."

  Leaning forward, Ryan kissed the silky blonde hair and said, "Thanks. I know you’ll be there for me. I’m just trying to keep a lid on for a few days, buddy. I’m trying to hold reality off for as long as possible."

  Jordan wasn’t at all sure that was the best idea, but she knew that Ryan wasn’t easily dissuaded when her mind was made up, so she just gave her a hug and stood up. "Another beer?" she asked.

  "Yeah. I’d love one," she said, giving her friend as relaxed a smile as she could fashion.

  Walking down the shop-filled streets of Eleuthra, Mia patted her friend’s shoulder and asked, "How are things, babe? You both seem remarkably sane, given what you’ve been through in the last week."

  "I’m afraid that ‘seem’ is the operative word," Jamie said. "We’re both really shaky, Ryan more so than I am."

  "She doesn’t seem shaky. Is she good at hiding things like that?"

  "Yeah, she is," Jamie said. "She seems to think that she can just stuff her feelings down, and they’ll eventually go away. She’s balking at going to therapy with me, which scares me. I’m afraid it’s really going to be a struggle."

  "Is she antagonistic to therapy?"

  "No, she’s very supportive of my being in therapy, and she’s benefited from it herself when she was younger."

  "Why the change?" Mia asked. "If it helped her before, it seems kinda odd that she’s resisting now."

  "I can only assume that she’s never been this frightened and this angry," Jamie said. "I think the intensity of her feelings really scares her. In the past, she’s mostly been dealing with grief – this is so much more than that. She’s angry, she’s frightened, she feels guilty about contributing to that guy’s death … It’s so much for her to deal with."

  "If you ever want to talk about it, you’ll let me know, right, James?"

  "You’re first on my list, Mia. Well, the emergency number for my therapist is technically first – but you’re the first one that I call when I’m not on the clock!"

  "I don’t mind being second to a professional," Mia said. "I just want you to remember that both of you were involved, hon. This isn’t all about Ryan, you know."

  "I know, Mia," Jamie said. "I have my issues, too. It’s just easier for me to focus on Ryan right now. As soon as we get back, I’m going to be sitting on Anna’s doorstep when she arrives every morning. She’ll yank me out of focusing on Ryan," she said.

  They walked along, looking into shop windows, and Mia pulled to a stop in front of an elegant jewelry store. Wistfully, she asked, "Do lesbians get engaged?"

  "Uhm … I guess so," Jamie said. "I mean, I’ve never known any who have, but I don’t see why you couldn’t." She tucked an arm around Mia’s waist and said, "You’re really hooked, aren’t ya?"

  "Oh, God, it’s awful! I desperately want to quit school and go back to Colorado with her." Looking at the rings, she said, "I used to pass by jewelry stores and pick out the ring that I thought would look best on me. Now I try to find the one that would show off those long, elegant fingers." She gave Jamie a racy grin and asked, "Have you ever looked at her hands? I swear, she has the longest fingers I’ve ever seen!"

  "Is that a good thing?" Jamie asked.

  "Now that I’ve taught her how to use them, it is," Mia said, giggling. She took Jamie’s hand and they started to walk again. "I’ve got to tell her how I feel, James. It’s just not fair to hold it in any longer."

  "You’ll do it as soon as you think the time is right," Jamie said. "Be honest with her, honey. That’s always the best option."

  "But I have so much training in deceit," the curly haired brunette said. "I’m ill prepared for this honesty stuff."

  "I had a feeling that you couldn’t resist a little shopping," Ryan said as she watched her partner and Mia struggle up to the cottage.

  "They had the coolest stuff!" Mia said. "I’m gonna dress my sweetie like a Bahamian princess!"

  "I’m game," Jordan said as she stood to help her friends bring their loot in. "I’m a little bummed I didn’t get to go with you, though, I love to shop."

  "You are the perfect woman," Mia sighed, standing on her tiptoes to offer a kiss. "Gorgeous, sexy, fun-loving, athletic … and you like to shop. It’s like being with a gay man!"

  "A gay man has one asset I lack," Jordan said playfully.

  "Not really," Mia said. "He might have one, but I couldn’t make it work right, so why bother? Besides," she said, flicking a finger across Jordan’s breast, "You have two assets that a guy doesn’t have, and I’ve discovered that I’m remarkably fond of them."

  Jamie said, "You know, this is Ryan’s one weakness. She dislikes shopping so much, it’s almost like being with a guy – a straight guy, that is."

  "Hey! I resent that!" the dark beauty cried.

  "Do you dispute it?" Jamie asked.

  "No, but I still resent it," she said. "You know I’ll shop with you if you ask me to."

  Jamie rolled her eyes at her friends and said, "She just doesn’t get it. Shopping is no fun if your companion accompanies you just because you ask her to." She shook her head regretfully, and said, "She just doesn’t have the gene."

  "Let me show you what I got for you," Mia said to Jordan, her excitement building. "You’re gonna look soooooo sexy."

  "Just put it on, guys. Take it off each other later," Ryan said. "I want to have dinner soon."

  "We’ll be ready in a flash," Mia said. "Where are we going?"

  "Dinner is included with the room," Jamie advised. "Do you want to go to the restaurant, or have dinner delivered here?" She shot Ryan a look and said, "I already know your vote."

  "Here’s fine with me," Jordan said. "We can turn on the radio and dance on our deck."

  "That works for me," Mia said.

  "I’m surrounded by agoraphobics," Jamie said, but she dutifully went to phone in their order.

  "Are you in a blue mood, a red mood, or a pink mood?" Jamie asked when they reached their room.

  "I’m not in any particular mood," Ryan said. "You may dress me up like your little doll."

  "Okay," Jamie said, a happy smile on her face. "I think I’ll dress you in the outfit I brought for you from home."

  "You brought me something from home?"

  "Yeah. I got a few things when I bought your new suit. I knew you hadn’t packed hardly anything, and I was not going to have you wearing your warm-ups all weekend."

  "So, let me see what I’m wearing," Ryan said, as she doffed her robe. "What kind of underwear do I need?"

  "None," Jamie said, batting her eyes. "I’ve taken care of everything."

  She handed Ryan a pair of satin panties in a pure white. "Ooo, a thong," Ryan said. Stepping into the panties, she slid them up her powerful thighs and smoothed them into place, adding a sexy hip shake to keep her partner interested.

  Smacking her dry lips together, Jamie handed her a long strip of dark blue and white print fabric. Ryan accepted it and gazed at her partner in question. "It’s a bandeau top. Let me help you put it on." Ryan smiled at her, and stole a few kisses as Jamie urged her to bend over so she could more e
asily reach her. She slipped the material around Ryan’s back and cradled her breasts into the fabric, then she tied the ends together, a neat little knot nestling between Ryan’s full breasts. "Stand up, and let me make sure you’re covered." Ryan did so, and Jamie fussed with the fabric for a moment until she was satisfied with the look. "Perfect," she said, bending to place a gentle kiss on each breast.

  "Do I get more, or am I finished?" Ryan said.

  "I’ve got a little more for you," Jamie said. She handed her a pair of slacks–unstructured, with a drawstring waist. The casual nature of the slacks was offset by the luxurious fabric -- a pure silk, white as the moon.

  "These are gorgeous," Ryan murmured, stepping into them. Jamie adjusted them so they hung down low, just past her navel, which the smaller woman tickled for good measure.

  "One more tiny item," Jamie said, handing Ryan a blouse made out of the finest, most translucent fabric she had ever seen.

  "What is this?" Ryan gaped, holding the fabric up to the light.

  "It’s gossamer," she replied. Jamie settled it on her shoulders, then buttoned the two buttons and tied the tail off just under Ryan’s breasts. She stood back to take her partner in, but decided that she needed to see her under the moonlight. Taking her by the hand, they walked through the open doors of their room and stood on the deck, the brilliant light of the moon shining down on them. "You are an absolute vision of beauty," the smaller woman murmured, her eyes unable to stop raking up and down her partner’s body.

  "I feel beautiful when I see how your eyes sparkle when you look at me," Ryan said softly, her blush visible even in the moonlight. "Not many people have made me feel beautiful. It’s a very nice feeling." She bent and kissed Jamie softly, letting her emotion spill out through the kiss. "Now let me revel in your beauty," she whispered.

  Smiling up at her, Jamie took her hand and went back into their room. "One more thing," the smaller woman said. She took out a thin band of the blue and white print and tied it around Ryan’s hair as a headband, keeping the untamed, slightly wavy locks back from her face. "Okay, you can go outside now," she said.