Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  Ryan reached behind herself and grasped Jamie’s arm, giving her a gentle tug until she was back on her lap. She nuzzled her head into her chest for a moment and finally said, "You’re not happy about this, are you?"

  Jamie chuckled mildly and said, "Given that I’m one semester from graduation and still kicking around the idea of switching to a math major just to have extra time with you, no. Having you fly all over the country without me isn’t my idea of fun."

  Ryan looked up and gazed into green eyes as she said, "Then I won’t do it. Case closed." She patted Jamie on the butt to indicate she wanted to get up, but the smaller woman stayed right where she was.

  "Nope. The case is not closed," Jamie said. "My season is starting at the end of February, and I’m going to be traveling a lot. Is that something that makes you happy?"

  "Well, no, of course not," Ryan said. "But you’ve gone through this for both volleyball and basketball with me. It’s your turn now, Jamie, and I should have realized that before I even brought this up. I was just being selfish," she said dismissively.

  Jamie placed her hands on her partner’s cheeks and gently tilted her head up so that they gazed into each other’s eyes. "If I could get you to be more selfish, I’d be happy. Competition means a great deal to you, Ryan, and when you do the things that make you happy – you’re a better partner."

  Ryan gave her a slightly puzzled frown, but Jamie sought to reassure her. "You’re a marvelous partner no matter what, but I fully believe that the best way for us to each be happy is to fully be who we are. You’re an athlete, Ryan. That’s who you are in your heart. There’s a joy within you when you play a sport … a joy that you don’t have many other ways to achieve."

  "You bring me joy," Ryan said softly.

  "Yes, we bring each other joy," Jamie said. "But this is a different kind of joy. I can hardly explain it … but I see it on your face. The smile you gave me after the first Stanford volleyball game will be imprinted on my brain for the rest of my life," she said. "I’d never seen it before, but I saw it several more times. I saw a little glimpse of it every time you and your teammates did something extraordinary." She dipped her head and kissed her partner softly, trying to express herself through her caresses. "It’s worth the sacrifices we have to make for me to see that look, Ryan."

  "It feels unbelievably wonderful to be so thoroughly loved," Ryan whispered as she pulled her lover close to bestow a flurry of kisses on her soft lips.

  "I do love you, Ryan," the smaller woman said. "I want you to do this if you think it will bring you joy. Besides, I’ll get to have you all to myself next year. I don’t mind sharing you a bit now, as long as I can look forward to that."

  The dark woman nodded, and said. "I’m going to do a little more investigative work," she said. "If I’m satisfied with the answers, can I talk to Coach Roberts and accept?"

  "Yes," Jamie said decisively. "I’m ready to let you go. I’ve had a nice long time to savor you – now it’s time to share you with your jock muse."

  "I think you’ve just coined another expression," Ryan said. "A strange one, to be sure, but I think it’s unique."

  When Jamie got home that night, Ryan was sitting on the front porch, a big smile on her face. An even bigger first baseman’s mitt was on her right hand, and she was methodically snapping a softball into the pocket.

  "Been at practice?" the blonde asked, assuming that Ryan would dive in as soon as possible.

  "Nope," she said. "I surprised myself, to tell you the truth. I approached this in a methodical way."

  "Wow," Jamie said, rolling her eyes. "You … methodical … go figure."

  Giving her a pinch on the side, Ryan explained the decision process. "First I called Heather and asked her how she was leaning. She said that she’d play if I played."

  Jamie smiled, thinking that development didn’t surprise her in the least, given the crush she knew the freshman had on her partner.

  "So I went over and talked to Coach Roberts and asked him to clarify a few things."

  "What things?"

  "I told him some of the things that had happened on the basketball team," Ryan said, surprising Jamie thoroughly. "I tried not to bitch too much, but I wanted to make sure that you could travel with us … that we could sleep together … that I could go to a game separately if necessary."

  "What did he say?" Jamie asked.

  "He said he didn’t care if I went on a three-day drunk and rolled up to the stadium stinking of gin," Ryan said. "He said he learned a long time ago that what matters is performance, and as long as I can perform, he doesn’t care about the details."

  "Smart man," Jamie said.

  "Yeah," Ryan said thoughtfully. "He said that he realized I was older, and hopefully more mature than some of the other players. He realizes that we’re, in essence, married. He said that he understood that our schedules would be tough to coordinate, and that he would cut me as much slack as he could."

  "That sounds really good. What else?"

  "Well, I told him about the fears the athletic director had about my playing basketball. While I sat there, he called the A.D.’s office, and told him I was thinking about playing softball. They had a long talk, and both agreed that the situation was not nearly as worrisome for softball as it was for basketball."

  "Why, honey?"

  "Mmm … couple of reasons. One, having photographers around isn’t very distracting. We play almost all day games, so there wouldn’t be flashes going off. Two, the fields we would play at are small, so the crowds aren’t very big. Heck, the photographers could lie down on the benches at most of the fields, and snap away as long as they liked. No one would even notice."

  "That makes sense," Jamie said. "So the athletic director wasn’t opposed to your playing?"

  "He gave the all-clear," Ryan said.

  "Well, I can see why you accepted," Jamie said.

  "Not so fast there, Jamers," Ryan said. "I’m not done yet. I went over to the field a half hour before practice, and introduced myself to the players as they came in to change. I liked the vibes," she said thoughtfully. "The players acted like they were buddies. Everyone was pleasant, and they all said they were excited about having me join them." She gave her partner a sheepish look and said, "I think they might have seen me play basketball."

  Jamie chuckled, "I think everybody in the Bay Area watched that game down in North Carolina. The Nielsen ratings must have gone haywire that night."

  "So, after I was satisfied there, I said that I’d join the team. Here’s the funny part though," she added. "I told him I didn’t want to start for another week." She looked very proud of herself, and Jamie smiled her approval at her.

  "Wow! What made you do that?"

  "It was a tough call," Ryan said. "I know I’ll get along better if I’m there early, but I also know that I’m still a little off stride. I decided to do what felt right – for me!" The smile she gave her partner was luminous, and Jamie rewarded her with an enthusiastic kiss.

  "I’m proud of you, sweetheart. That’s very, very good news."

  "There’s a season-opening tournament that first weekend," Ryan said smugly. "I probably won’t be ready to play because I’ll have so little practice time. Isn’t that great?"

  "You’re making progress," Jamie said.

  "Yep," Ryan said. "Over time, I’ll be a self-involved egotist, and it’s all thanks to you!"

  "Oh, I think that will take a while," Jamie said. "I’ll be happy if you begin to believe that your needs are as important as other people's. That’s my goal."

  "My goal is to play a game I like, with nice people, and try not to make it the focus of my life," Ryan said seriously. "I want that focus to remain on you."

  "Now you’re talking," Jamie said. "Just for that, you get to pick where we go to dinner tonight."

  It took Ryan less than a second to say, "Zachary’s. I’m gonna try to pack a few more pounds on before I start practicing. Zachary’s can always be counted on to contribut
e to the cause."

  "Where’s Ryan?" Mia asked when she came home a few minutes later.

  "She ran to Zachary’s for a pizza. Hungry?"

  "I could eat a Zachary’s if I’d finished dinner three minutes ago," Mia said. She climbed up on the counter and watched Jamie prepare a salad to accompany the pizza. "Did Ryan follow through and quit the basketball team?"

  "She sure did, but as usual, she’s gonna jump right back into another sport." The blonde shook her head and said, "She’s gonna join the softball team in a week."

  "That woman is something else," Mia said. "One thing I’m sure of, Jamie – you’re never gonna get bored with her."

  Jamie shared her laugh and said, "No, never bored. She may drive me mad – but she won’t bore me." She gave her friend an aggrieved look and said, "You won’t believe this, but she honestly thinks that she can still participate in the AIDS ride, even though she hasn’t started training yet."

  "Didn’t you start in the fall last year?"

  "Yep. October. Here it is, almost February, she hasn’t ridden more than three miles at a time since June, and my doofus girlfriend thinks she can do it with no problem."

  "Well, she is pretty phenomenal. Maybe just being in good shape is enough."

  Jamie was shaking her head while Mia was still talking. "No way. Getting used to being on the seat for hours at a time, and stressing your legs from hill work are really critical, Mia. I’m worried that she’ll hurt herself if she tries to do this without putting in the prep time."

  "So, what are you going to do? She sure as hell doesn’t take well to being told what to do."

  "There’s an understatement," Jamie said. "I’m not sure, yet, but I’m gonna try to penetrate that very hard head."

  Ryan came in as they were speaking, and waved the pizza box under Mia’s nose. "Hungry?"

  "Starved! Let’s just stand here and eat it out of the box."

  "Now, now, let’s at least try to act civilized," Ryan said. She put the pizza on a platter and carried it into the dining room, where Jamie had already set out the salad.

  They dug in, and in no time, a sizeable dent had been made in the large pie. Ryan commented, "I’m gonna work on my training schedule tonight. The one I made up when we were down in Hillsborough won’t work with my softball schedule."

  "Congratulations on making the team," Mia said. "That’s pretty cool, Ryan. Are the uniforms more attractive than those horrible basketball ones?"

  "You Hillsborough girls," Ryan said. "All you care about is fashion." She thought for a moment and said, "I think the uniforms are pretty cute."

  "Why don’t you bring your schedule down, and I’ll help you work on it," Jamie said. "I know you’ll sit here and pick at the pizza until it’s gone – we might as well have something to do between bites."

  "Ha ha," Ryan said, but she nevertheless got up and went to her room to gather her things. When she returned, she handed Jamie the softball schedule, and she took her eraser and removed most of her proposed training rides from her organizer. "Okay, the challenge is going to be squeezing the rides in without using many weekends."

  "That will be a challenge," Jamie said. "Where do you want to start, honey?"

  "Well, I’m not going to start softball until next week, so I can ride a lot this week, just to kick-off my training." She made a few notes and commented, "I can probably get in 100 miles this week."

  "That’s a lot!" Mia said around a massive bite of pizza.

  "No, it’s really not," Ryan said absently. "I should be doing 150 miles a week by February. I’m really behind already."

  They started going through the schedule, week by week. It rapidly became clear that Ryan was going to have to start riding before dawn most days to get her saddle time in. "This doesn’t look good," the dark woman said. "I guess I’m just going to have to do what I can, and hope for the best. Maybe I’ll take the two weeks before the ride and really grind a lot of miles out."

  Jamie tapped at the softball schedule, and said, "Not if you make the playoffs. The final game of the College World Series is less than a week before the ride starts."

  Ryan dropped her head onto the table, and groaned, "Then I’ll have to just do my best. I’ll ride in the damn SAG van if I have to."

  "You know as well as I do that you’d walk the whole way before you’d get in that van," Jamie said.

  "Yeah, well, I might just have to re-think some of my notions about the ride," Ryan said. "It’s important to me to participate – even if I can’t do it as well as I have in the past. It’s going to be very odd for me," she said. "I mean, for one thing, I won’t be able to lead training rides this year. That was always one of my favorite things about the ride, you know."

  "Yeah," Jamie said, echoing her partner’s tone. "That’s one of the ways you stayed connected to your fellow riders, wasn’t it?"

  "Exactly," Ryan said. "Training people made me feel like I was part of the whole. I’m afraid that I won’t have that same feeling this year. I’m going to have to just concentrate on myself."

  Mia interrupted to ask, "Aren’t you going to do the ride, Jamie? I thought it was going to be an annual thing for you two."

  Shrugging her shoulders, Jamie said, "There’s no way I can train enough to even consider it, Mia. I’d have to ride in the SAG van half the time – and that just seems silly."

  "Wow," the curly-haired woman said, "I thought that doing this together was a really big thing for you."

  "It is," Ryan said soberly. "It’s a very big deal to me."

  "This is just one more little challenge," Jamie sighed, giving Ryan a hug. "It’ll work out, baby."

  "Yeah, I guess it will," Ryan said, gazing at her partner with sad blue eyes.

  Jamie was ready for bed when Ryan came out of the bathroom, and the taller woman approached her from behind to see what she was working on. She was sitting at her desk, and it looked like her calendar was up on her computer. As Ryan got closer, she became fascinated by the top Jamie had on.

  It had been cold recently, and they’d both been sleeping in T-shirts. But tonight, the house was quite warm, and Jamie had on just a camisole. It was an ivory-colored knit, and it fit very close, following her curves like a second skin. The bodice was trimmed with a satin appliqué that was significantly stiffer than the rest of the material, and that was the detail that caught Ryan’s attention.

  An appliquéd flower was covering the top of Jamie’s left breast, and it gapped a bit, revealing a firm, pink nipple. Ryan felt her mouth go dry, her eyes unable to tear themselves away from the sight. Her hand reached out to touch her partner, but she stilled in mid-motion. They had expressly agreed to ask permission before touching each other, and she wasn’t about to break that agreement – but at the same time, she was afraid to ask for what she wanted.

  Standing there, unable to decide what she should do, Jamie reached back and patted her leg absently, silently indicating that she knew Ryan was there.

  Ryan sat down on the bed, trying to make up her mind. The first tendrils of desire had already faded, and she cursed herself for her indecision. She tried to remind herself of what Amanda had told her. That at first, things would seem awkward and fairly stilted. Amanda had urged her to struggle through those awkward moments, promising that once they got past them, things would open up and begin to feel normal again.

  Jamie was just about finished, and she started to shut her system down. When she was done, she began to stand, but Ryan impulsively said. "Stay there for a moment."

  The smaller woman complied, something in Ryan’s voice giving her pause. "What is it, honey?" She started to turn her chair around, but Ryan reached out and grasped the chair back, pulling it close.

  Swallowing, Ryan quietly asked, "Can I touch your breasts?" She felt like a very formal thirteen-year-old boy, but she didn’t know how else to ask, and she wanted to make sure that her request was framed properly.

  Jamie started to turn again, but Ryan held the chair in place. She didn�
��t want to see the look on her face – knowing it must reflect puzzlement at the very least. "Sure," she said softly, "I’d like that."

  Rubbing her hands together nervously, Ryan leaned over and cupped both of her partner’s breasts in her hands. She could feel a little bit of sweat start to gather on the back of her neck, but her breathing was fairly even – and she didn’t think she was going to have a panic attack. Jamie was still – consciously trying to allow Ryan to explore – without comment or suggestion.

  It felt much more clinical than erotic, but Ryan kept at it, letting her hands grow used to the tactile sensations once again. Jamie’s breasts felt just as glorious as she remembered them, the firm flesh yielding to her touch. But even though the physical sensations were the same, Ryan felt a definite barrier between her body and her libido. A barrier as real as the fabric that kept her fingers from feeling her partner’s warm skin. The two parts of her seemed to have severed communications – her libido completely unaware that it was supposed to be enjoying itself at the moment.

  To Ryan’s dismay, Jamie’s body didn’t seem to be having the same communication breakdown as her own did. The blonde shifted in her chair and sighed deeply, then placed a hand over Ryan’s and pressed down. "Nice," she purred sexily. Her nipples grew firm, and Ryan could feel the mauve flesh around the peaks start to pebble. She could feel her partner’s breathing start to pick up, but she knew she couldn’t go any further without having a stroke, so she leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Thanks," she whispered. "They looked too luscious to pass up."

  With a question in her eyes, Jamie swiveled around in her chair and gazed at her partner. Immediately, she saw a hint of regret in the sad, blue eyes, and she intentionally tried to make light of the situation. "We’re making progress, baby," she said. "You just keep asking anytime you want to touch a little." Standing, she grasped Ryan’s hand and took her over to her side of the bed. Tucking her in, she leaned over and kissed her gently, then placed the hand upon her breast once again and squeezed Ryan’s hand under her own. "We’ll get there, Ryan, I promise you."