Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  For some reason, having Jamie leaning over her like that gave Ryan a little bit of a jolt, and she felt greatly reassured when she felt a familiar tingle between her legs. A warm smile bloomed, and she said. "I know we will. Thanks for being patient with me."

  "We’re being patient with each other," Jamie said. "I haven’t been making many moves on you either, sport." She released Ryan’s hand and stood up, then impetuously crawled over the long body to her own side of the bed, making Ryan giggle.

  Getting under the covers, they cuddled together for a few minutes and Ryan got up the nerve to ask the question that Jamie’s comment had sparked. "Do you ever want to touch me?"

  "Yeah," she quietly said. "It’s always when it’s impossible, though." She was silent for a moment, then added, "I think of you a lot when I’m in class. And sometimes just seeing a certain curve will remind me of some part of your body." She chuckled softly, and said, "I must confess that I’ve really turned into an ass-woman. Most of my images are of your perfect butt."

  "Wanna feel it?" Ryan asked tentatively. "I uhm … if you’re not …"

  Before she could complete her sentence, Jamie’s hand was palming her cheek through her thin flannel pants, an impish look on her face. "Just like I remember," she sighed. "Maybe a little leaner."

  "Yeah, I lost a little weight at the beach."

  "My hard-won gains," Jamie said. "I’d just started to see some progress, and then you stopped eating again."

  "My appetite’s getting better," Ryan said. "I think I’ll start gaining again."

  "You’d better," the blonde decreed. She leaned over Ryan and rubbed noses. "When I grab your ass, I want two handfuls. And I do mean hand ‘fulls’!"

  "Yes, ma’am," Ryan said. "I’ll make every effort to pump up the booty."

  Giving the butt another squeeze, Jamie slid her hand up and tucked it around Ryan’s waist, smoothing her T-shirt into place. "G’night, honey," she said. "I love you."

  "I love you, too, Jamie." Ryan tightened her embrace and whispered, "More than ever."

  The next morning, Ryan got up and put on her running clothes. As she opened the front door she was rewarded with the sight of … no one. There was not a reporter, nor a news van, nor a photographer in sight. She poked her head out cautiously, then started to creep out of the door, making slow but steady progress. Finally, she hit the sidewalk, where she stared in every direction, finally standing still and scratching her head for a minute. No one? Who are the poor, miserable wretches whose turmoil is more newsworthy than mine? May God have mercy on their souls!

  As she ran along the quiet streets, she considered that Jim had really had a hand in quelling the feeding frenzy. There had only been one lone guy with a camera in Noe this past weekend, and it was obvious that he was a free-lancer, and now this. She was still observing a news blackout, but Jamie was back to her normal habits, and she had informed Ryan that the media dialogue had now switched to an outraged recitation of the sins of the media in hounded the poor, innocent heroes … by the very same media that had committed the sins, of course.

  Ryan didn’t much care how the discussion morphed at this point. She was just immensely glad that the focus had shifted from her and Jamie. We should call Jim this evening to give him an update, and thank him for his efforts, she reminded herself.

  Thinking of one more task to accomplish, she varied her route, swinging by the group home where Jennie lived. She was pleased to find her young friend sitting on the front steps, neatly dressed in her uniform, massive book bag at her feet.

  "Hey!" Ryan called out, startling the young woman from her reverie.

  "Oh … hi, Ryan," Jennie said, looking everywhere but into her eyes. "What are you doing over here?"

  "I was out running, and I decided to see if you were around. I figured your ride would be here soon," she said as she performed a few gentle quad stretches to keep her legs warm. "You look like something’s bothering you, sport. Everything okay?"

  "Yeah," she said, still looking at the ground. "I’m sorry, Ryan," she said softly. "I’ve been trying to figure out all week how to make it up to you, but I can’t think of a thing." Ryan saw the girl’s lower lip start to tremble, and then the tears started to flow.

  "How about a sweaty hug?" Ryan asked gently, placing her hand on Jennie's shoulder.

  "You’re not mad at me?" she said, her expression so heart-rendingly sad that Ryan nearly started to cry, without even knowing why.

  "Of course not, Jen. Why would I be mad at you?" She wrapped her in a hug, trying not to transfer too much of her perspiration onto the neatly ironed uniform.

  " ‘Cause of what my mom did," she said, looking up at Ryan like the older woman must be missing something.

  "Jen. You’re not responsible for your mom. You’re only responsible for yourself. Your mom’s got some problems, and she’s not one of my favorite people right now, but nothing she does will ever impact how I feel about you." She grasped the young woman by the shoulders and held her out at arm’s length. "That is the absolute truth, Jennie. You and I are friends. There’s nothing anyone can do to change that."

  She tumbled into Ryan’s arms again, sobbing pitifully. "I … I … I was afraid you’d never talk to me again. I thought I’d have to quit sch … sch … school."

  "Oh, Jennie, I know it’s hard to trust that I won’t abandon you, but I won’t. I swear I won’t. I'm so sorry that I didn’t call you after your mom’s comments came out. I … I just let myself get too busy, and I didn’t stop to think how that would affect you." Tilting her chin up with her fingers, Ryan looked into her eyes and asked, "Forgive me?"

  "Sure," the young woman said, wrapping her arms around Ryan so tightly that she let out a soft grunt.

  A Lincoln Town Car pulled into the drive as they were hugging, and Ryan took a quick look at her friend’s face. "You’d better go inside and get a tissue."

  "Oh, that’s okay," she said. "Robert has some in the car. He’s nice, Ryan. Wanna meet him?"

  "I’d love to," Ryan said, walking the short distance with Jennie’s arm snugged around her waist.

  When she came home from her run, Jamie had already left for golf practice. Ryan puttered around the kitchen for a bit, making herself an English muffin with some peanut butter on it, and then eating a nice, ripe pear. Her hunger partially sated, she went upstairs to get ready for school.

  A shower was the first order of business, and as she cleaned her body, she felt a familiar, but long absent, sensation. A fluttering of desire began to bloom, and as she made the water a little cooler, she trained the hand-held showerhead upon her vulva and let it work its magic. In moments, she felt fully aroused, and spread her legs wider to increase the sensation. Bracing one hand against the wall, she relaxed into the experience and let her body respond – feeling an overwhelming sense of relief at how quickly everything fell into place. Just like old times, she angled the showerhead just so, letting it thrum right onto her clitoris.

  Moments later, she felt the pulsing start in her uterus and radiate out, leaving her weak-kneed and fully sated. Good Lord, that felt fine, she sighed. Too bad Jamie wasn’t still home. But even as the thought still rumbled around in her head, the truth hit her. She would not have felt that wave of desire if Jamie were still home. It was the fact that she was gone – that Ryan was sure she wasn’t coming back for hours – that let her relax enough to get aroused. Her libido wanted to come out and play, but it wanted to play alone – and that thought filled her with dread.

  She checked and double-checked to make sure that Jamie knew she was about to call Amanda for their evening session. "Ryan, go make your phone call," the blonde finally insisted. "I won’t disturb you, and I won’t pick up the phone by mistake. Now shoo!"

  Feeling guiltier than she had since she was in grade school, Ryan made the call, unable to think of even one topic to waste time and delay having to admit what she had done. Getting to the point, she said, "I feel like crap, Amanda. I finally got sexually excit
ed today, and instead of holding off until Jamie came home, I masturbated." She said this with a voice full of self-loathing, certain that her actions signaled a very deep and lasting problem between her and Jamie.

  "And … you’re upset by this?" Amanda asked.

  Ryan wished that she could see the woman, knowing there was at least a hint of censure showing on her face. "Yes, of course! I haven’t masturbated just to please myself since we’ve been together. I don’t do that any longer, Amanda. My sexuality is for Jamie and me to share."

  "Oh, I see," Amanda said. "Well, if that’s how you feel comfortable, I’m sure that you’ll go back to that habit once things are back to normal."

  "You act like this isn’t a big deal!" Ryan cried, her voice rising much higher than she wished.

  "It’s not," the therapist said. "Look, Ryan, your sexual response has been shut down for weeks now. When it starts to wake up again, it’s going to do so slowly. It makes perfect sense to me that it would feel safe to touch yourself for a while, then you can risk a little more and allow Jamie to touch you. Your body is just trying to keep you safe, Ryan. Listen to it."

  The young woman was fairly stunned by this advice. "You really think my body is talking to me?"

  "Of course it is," Amanda said. "Just listen to the signals it gives you, Ryan. It knows what your mind needs. Let it guide you."

  Ryan nodded slowly, starting to see Amanda’s point. "Okay, I’ll try that," she said. "I just hope my body wants Jamie soon, ‘cause my heart needs her desperately."

  The next day, when Jamie returned from school, Ryan was lying in bed on her back, her legs elevated, one ankle crossed over a knee. Her hands were laced behind her head, and she bore a contemplative look on her handsome features. "Thinking?" Jamie asked quietly, careful not to disturb her partner when she was focused on something.

  "Yeah," Ryan said, "but not about anything too deep." She patted the bed and said, "C’mere for a minute."

  Jamie kicked off her shoes and climbed up next to her, sighing deeply when Ryan wrapped an arm around her.

  "You always do that," Ryan said softly.

  "What?"

  "Let out a breath when I first put my arms around you. It always makes me smile."

  Leaning over to kiss her, Jamie said, "It feels like I’m home. Like I’m safe and protected, and nothing can hurt me."

  "It feels like that to me, too," Ryan said. She nuzzled her face into her partner’s sweet-smelling hair, and said, "No place on earth is as welcoming as your arms."

  "That will always be true, Ryan," the blonde said. "Always." She rolled onto her side, and started to trail her fingers down Ryan’s arm, watching a smile slowly form on her lover’s features. "Feel good?"

  "Uh-huh," Ryan whispered.

  Her hand moved slightly, and she let her fingers explore a little, moving over Ryan’s ribs, along her side, then across her shoulder. Tracing a collarbone with her index finger, she asked softly, "Can I touch your breast?"

  Ryan swallowed audibly, then nodded. Jamie could feel her take in and hold a breath, so she kept her touch brief, and light. She knew that over time they’d get past this discomfort, and she knew that the only way was to work slowly – but it broke her heart every time she saw how Ryan struggled with the tentative intimacies. Ryan was the most emotionally vulnerable person she had ever met – and to have their blissfully intimate connection taken from them had taken a massive toll on her.

  Even though it was hard on Jamie, she pushed on – knowing that they had to get through this awkward time. Using just her fingernail, she scraped along the soft cotton of Ryan’s shirt – running all around her breast. Then she let all of her short nails rake across the rapidly firming flesh, tweaking the nipple gently. "Does that feel good?" she asked softly.

  Ryan nodded, not saying a word. She was breathing regularly, but just then Jamie noted a quickening of her respiration, that didn’t seem like arousal. "Go on," the larger woman whispered. "Do that some more."

  Complying immediately, Jamie continued to tease her lover through her clothing. After a minute, she slipped her hand down between Ryan’s slightly spread legs and asked, "Can I touch you here? Just for a moment," she qualified, when Ryan hesitated.

  Another nod, and Jamie touched her in much the same way, using her short nails to rake up and down the seam of her jeans. Ryan’s eyes were closed, and her body was stiff, but she allowed the touch, which cheered Jamie greatly. Patting Ryan’s belly, she said, "That’s enough for today. I just wanted to have a little visit to some of my favorite places."

  Ryan wrapped her in a bruising embrace and whispered, "I love you so very much. It means so much to me that you’re so patient and gentle with me."

  "Sweetheart," Jamie sighed. "We’re going to be together for seventy or eighty years. Spending a few weeks getting comfortable with each other again is nothing in the scheme of things. Our sex life is tremendously important to me, Ryan. I promise to treat it like the precious gift that it is."

  "It is precious," Ryan whispered. Hugging Jamie tight once again, she asked, "Are you sure we’ll get back to where we used to be?"

  "We’ll get back all that we had, and then we’ll just keep going, baby. There’s not a doubt in my mind. We’ll take as long as we need, no rush at all."

  "Thank you," Ryan murmured. "Thank you for trusting in us."

  Part 11

  Since both women had arranged their schedules to provide for Fridays off, they were able to go to Noe when the mood struck them. Jamie played golf in the morning, while Ryan worked on her independent study, and just after noon they headed over, then spent most of the afternoon working on their respective homework. Ryan’s watch alarm went off at 4, and she stood as she shut it off. "I’m gonna go out for a little bit."

  "Want company?" Jamie asked, stretching a bit. "I could use a break."

  "Uhm … no. I have something I have to take care of. I won’t be too long." She gave Jamie a quick kiss and said, "We can take Duffy out for a long walk tonight."

  "You’re not taking Duff with you now?"

  "Huh-uh. I’m going alone." She went into the bath and combed her hair, then gave Jamie a little wave and took off.

  Now what’s she up to?

  Duffy was disappointed, as he always was when his company was refused. But Ryan wasn’t able to take him with, so she promised a long walk later in the day. Walking down the quiet streets of her neighborhood, she considered her plan. Look, you’ve tried every other avenue. He’s been very helpful at times. What can it hurt to give him a chance? A few minutes later, she spotted him going into the side door of the church.

  "Hi, Father Pender," she called out.

  "Siobhan! How are you?"

  "Not great," she said. "Thanks for calling me over in Berkeley. That was sweet of you to look me up."

  "Well, I would have gone by the house that first night, but I didn’t think I’d be welcome," he said. "It’s hard to know how much to press my luck."

  "I don’t agree with my father’s decision to cut you out of our lives, Father, but he’s not the easiest fellow to talk out of things."

  "No," he said, "he’s a man of strong convictions – as am I. That’s not a good combination, love."

  "Maybe someday," she sighed. "I’d like us to be able to acknowledge our differences, and just move on from there."

  "That would be nice," he said. "I hope you know that I have nothing but warm feelings for you and your friend, Jamie."

  "I do," she said.

  "Are you just passing by, Siobhan? I’ve got to get inside to hear confessions, even though I usually just sit and read. Not many people avail themselves of the sacrament any longer."

  "That’s why I’m here," she said, surprising him thoroughly.

  "You are? I haven’t seen you in the confessional for years."

  She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Better late than never, Father. I’m having a hell of a time, and I’m looking for peace anywhere I can find it."

  "
They don’t call our Lord the Prince of Peace for nothing, Siobhan. Let’s go talk."

  A few minutes before 6, Ryan came sauntering into the house, a surprising spring to her step. Martin, Maeve, Jamie, Kevin, Rory and Conor were just getting settled at the dinner table, and everyone looked up when she entered. She stopped at Jamie’s spot first, offering a quick kiss.

  The blonde narrowed her gaze and asked, "Have you been drinking?"

  "Just a pint," she said. "A little before dinner drink." She greeted every other member of the family, then took her seat. "What?" she asked, seeing every set of eyes on her.

  "It’s not like you to be drinking in the afternoon," Martin said. "Are you quite all right?"

  "I ran into someone I know. No big deal." Unfolding her napkin, she said, "If I were trying to hide my drinking habit, I’d drink vodka. You can smell Guinness on my breath from across the room."

  "Well, I suppose you’re old enough to have a wee pint when you want one," Martin said, seeing his daughter’s ire start to rise.

  "Thank you," she said. "So, what’s for dinner?"

  "Risotto," Martin announced proudly, pronouncing the word in such a way as to make an Italian grimace.

  Raising an eyebrow at her partner, Ryan asked in the same Irish accent, "And where did you get the recipe for this risotto?"

  "Young Jamie showed me how to make use of everything I had in the ice box," he announced.

  "Well, good for young Jamie," Ryan said, wondering if her father’s family actually ever owned the icebox he continually referred to.

  "This would be perfect with a nice steak," Conor said.

  "Mind your manners, boy. You need to eat more vegetables."

  "Yes, Da," he said, hiding a smirk. "Ryan needs to drink less, and I need more vegetables. Got it!"

  Jamie was given a dispensation from cleaning, since she’d participated in dinner preparation. So after the remaining children finished cleaning the kitchen Ryan went downstairs to find her partner on the phone. "No, that will be great, Daddy. I think she might like to come, but if not, I’ll see if Mia wants to play. Sure, I’d love to have brunch first. Let’s meet at 10. That will give us time to go to 8 o’clock Mass. I look forward to it, too. See you then."