Breathless

by Lex Martin

  Sitting in my truck while she struggled to look at me made me think back to the other times this has happened, to the times before she left for Florida. Did it bother her, and she just hid it? Was I too dense to notice?

  Surely she hasn’t had feelings for me since her freshman year of high school. That would be crazy. I almost laugh out loud. Take your ego down a notch, asshole. Not every woman is in love with you.

  I won’t deny I’m uneasy going down this road with Joey because we could screw up our friendship, but the alternative—potentially losing her forever—terrifies me. So if I have to test out having a relationship to keep her here, I’ll do it. Our dynamic is changing so quickly, I’m scrambling to catch up, but I can’t deny the magnitude of what’s happening between us.

  We didn’t even have sex last night, and I’m already losing my head for her, something that’s never happened to me before. I’ve never had the kind of connection to a woman the way I do with Jojo. And I can count the number of times I’ve slept in the same bed with a woman after getting intimate—that number would be zero.

  Snuggling up after the deed is not something I do. Ever. But I didn’t want to let go of Joey last night, and I certainly didn’t want to leave our bed this morning. Although I’ll admit I’m a little unnerved to find out how much this girl might unravel me when we finally do have sex.

  Renee moves in front of me as I reach for my backpack, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Can I have some of that? I’m really in the mood to get warmed up.” Renee bats her eyelashes at me. Are we talking about hot chocolate right now?

  “I made this for Joey, but there’s the container. You can make more.” I screw on the lid to the thermos and pack the rest of the snacks I brought for the bonfire.

  “She doesn’t have to know,” she sing-songs softly.

  What the fuck?

  “It’s spoken for. Make your own.” I toss her the container and laugh when she nearly drops it.

  “God, you’re a dick.”

  “Never said I wasn’t.”

  With my backpack on my shoulder, a small ice chest in one hand, and the thermos in the other, I stroll out of the condo and down the wooden boardwalk toward the bonfire on the beach.

  Even with the distance I’m putting between me and Renee, I’m still brimming with irritation. Like my clothes don’t fit anymore. Like who I am and what I want don’t match anymore.

  Things with Joey could go south because of dumb shit I’ve done, and I have enough issues to deal with at the moment to consider how many ways my past might fuck me.

  I’m still in a funk when I reach the party on the beach, but seeing everyone enjoying themselves dulls my pissy mood.

  I drop the cooler between my truck and Ethan’s.

  “The tailgating idea was genius,” I muse. “Did I come up with it?” Between three other trucks are lawn chairs and blankets. Coolers everywhere. Loud but mellow music plays in the background. Some of the guys tend to the giant bonfire in the middle, lighting up the night sky.

  Ethan slaps me on the back with a smirk. “No, dumbass. Your girlfriend suggested it. She said you used to tailgate in the back field before games in high school. And it’s better than just having the chairs.”

  Girlfriend.

  Hearing that word gives me pause. I’ve always been the one to tease Ethan about the chicks he dated. Of the two of us, he was the one who did long-term relationships.

  I give him a big-ass smile. “My girlfriend is awesome.”

  Joey is chatting with Kat on the other side of the bonfire. Even though we spent most of the day together, not to mention the past week, there’s nothing more I want than to hang out with her alone, especially after what happened at the gas station.

  Ethan studies me a second before he leans closer. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you to take care of her or I’d kick your ass. You’d better treat her with respect.”

  Annoyance flares again, and I ask under my breath, “Does everyone think I’m a giant heathen? Like I’m going to fling off my clothes for an orgy? What the hell, man?”

  He places a hand on my shoulder to turn us away from our friends. “Logan, she’s not like the other women you date. Just… she’s been sheltered. She might not know how to guard her heart.”

  What does that even mean? Guard her heart? “I’m not gonna hurt her. She’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake.” This whole conversation sounds too familiar, and my stomach knots. When my brother brought it up yesterday, he and Brady were ribbing me, giving me shit like they always do. This, though, this is different.

  Ethan’s eyes narrow. “You ready to cut out those extracurricular activities?”

  Anger heats my blood, but I remind myself I can’t be mad at him. Not when he’s why I’ve busted my ass all this time to keep shit on lockdown.

  But the idea of Ethan doling out the same advice as our father, albeit less heavy-handed, still feels like a punch to my gut.

  Tori strolls over and wraps her arms around my brother, smiling at him like he’s a king. Grinding my teeth together, I force myself to keep it together a little longer.

  Wait until after the wedding and they get back from their honeymoon. They’re so happy right now. Do not fuck this up.

  I cough. “I promise I only have the best intentions. I won’t mess this up.” Any of it.

  Ethan nods slowly and focuses his attention on Tori.

  Needing some space, I head over to my truck, lower the tailgate, and hop on. I stare into the fire, not really seeing anything.

  A sensation I know too well seeps into me. Hollowness. The kind that makes me want to claw at my skin to see if there’s a heart still beating in my chest.

  After my father died, my mother dragged me to a shrink. She said I needed to talk to someone because finding him face down in his own vomit was traumatic.

  I much preferred getting shitfaced and fucking to those sessions with Dr. Pritley.

  Fortunately those therapy sessions only lasted about a month. By then Ethan was back from A&M with his pregnant fiancée, and money was tight. I gladly bowed out, reassuring my mom I was okay with a you-can-take-me-seriously sorta smile and a few jokes. She probably figured you can’t joke around if you’re depressed as fuck.

  My vision sharpens, and Joey gives me a hesitant smile from the other side of the bonfire.

  Tilting my head, I hope she gets my meaning.

  She hugs Rambo to her chest and looks down, and for a second, I wonder if she’s gonna ignore me—she might after what happened this afternoon—but she trots over.

  I slide off the bed of my truck and motion toward one of the lawn chairs sprawled in front of the fire. “It’s warmer down here.”

  “But there’s only one chair left.”

  Silly girl. I scoop her into my arms, relishing the laughter that peals out of her, and plunk us down in a chair.

  Rambo tries to lick my face off.

  “Dude,” I sputter and wipe my chin with my arm.

  Before long, we’re roasting marshmallows while Midland plays angsty ballads from someone’s stereo. Rambo nestles at our feet, and Joey’s in my lap. Ethan and Tori shoot the shit with their friends, and that blanket of fog lifts off my shoulders. For a few minutes, under these stars, by the warmth of the fire, everything is right in the world.

  After I pull a blanket around us, I drag my lips against the shell of her ear. “I’m really glad you’re home,” I whisper. “I missed you.”

  I sound like a broken record, but half of me is afraid I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and find that she’s hightailed it out of town without knowing what she means to me.

  She continues to stare at the fire, but her lips tug up in a shy smile, so I keep going. Because I know this afternoon was rough, and I want to reassure her. I need to reassure her. “Last night was incredible. I can’t wait to do it again.” She can probably feel my lengthening dick against her ass. “But, Jo”—I wait for her to look at me—“I can’t change my past or my mist
akes. God knows I’ve made a ton, and I need you to believe that I want a fresh start. Something’s gotta give because I can’t keep fucking up. And maybe… maybe you can help me with that.”

  I realize she doesn’t know anything about the hole I’ve dug for myself, but if there’s anyone I want on my side, it’s Joey.

  She frowns and glances around. Then she looks up at me with those soulful gray eyes and whispers, “Logan, are you in trouble? Did something happen while I was away?”

  I swallow, wishing I could unload everything right now. It would be such a relief.

  It’s on the tip of my tongue, but my brother laughs from the other side of the fire, reminding me why I can’t, and I reluctantly shake my head.

  “No, I’m not in trouble. Exactly.” I debate how to say it since I haven’t confided in anyone except my buddy Isaiah, and that was an accident. He’s biking in Bolivia or some shit, so he can’t go blabbing his mouth. “Just bit off more than I can chew.”

  Jo waits patiently for me to tell her more, but when she realizes I’m not going to, she nods. “Okay. Well, when you’re ready to tell me.”

  Hitching her closer to me, I hug her tight. I knew she’d understand on some level. She’s always been there for me, even when I was an asshole. “Thanks, Bitsy. I will.” Which reminds me. “Have you heard from your brother?”

  She stills. I hate bringing him up and seeing that miserable look in her eyes, but I need to know. “No, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m worried.”

  “I’m sure he’s fine.” And living high on the hog with the money from the sale of their grandmother’s house. I hesitate. “He doesn’t hack your phone anymore, does he?” I try to look casual despite the fact that Silas is the reason I haven’t confided in her about the mess I’m in. But if he’s not in her life—creeping around to listen to her messages and read her texts—then I’ll feel better about sharing the shit that’s been going down after the wedding.

  “No, he hasn’t done that in a while. Not since the last time you threatened to kick his ass.”

  Silas has never been a friendly guy, but since he got wrapped up in drugs, he’s unpredictable, not to mention meaner, and I made it clear to him that I don’t want his mistakes to hurt his sister.

  Soon, Silas is in our rear view mirror as we reminisce about when we were kids. Jo and I talk softly over the crackle of the fire for the next few hours. By the time we get back to our room, it’s late.

  The condo is an ice box, and I beeline it to our bathroom where I turn on the shower and crank the hot water.

  “Come here, baby. Take your shower and warm up. I’ll find us a movie to watch.”

  Joey grabs fresh towels and smiles up at me in the doorway to the bathroom. I kiss her forehead and move to let her in, but she grabs my hand, so I pause.

  Her head tilts down, and she looks up at me through those lashes, a hesitant expression on her beautiful face. She shifts awkwardly. “Wanna join me? You know… maybe scrub my back?”

  Oh, fuck.

  A million emotions race through me, and I try to stamp out the lust that jets to the top so I can think straight. Mostly, I don’t wanna rush her.

  “Are you sure?” I run my hands along her bare shoulders and try hard not to notice her pebbled nipples through her bikini top. “We can take our time. We don’t have to do anything else this weekend if you’re not comfortable.”

  I’m not the kind of guy who pushes a girl into doing something she doesn’t want to do. A real man respects a woman’s boundaries.

  She looks away, a pretty pink hue tinting her cheeks, and I realize how hard that was for her to ask.

  Does she think I don’t want to do this with her? Of course I want to watch rivulets of water course over her lush body while steam billows in the background.

  “Hey.” I tilt her chin up and kiss her. “Fuck, yes, I wanna take a shower with you. If you’re comfortable with that.”

  I don’t have to wonder how she’s feeling because she’s in my arms, and I’m breathing her in as we kiss and stumble into the shower.

  Hot water sluices over her, and I lean back for the visual, because holy shit, she’s a dime. Tangled blonde hair, honey-tanned skin from our weekend in the sun, and perfect, rounded curves I wanna get lost in.

  “Fuck, you’re beautiful, Jo. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I blind?” I kiss her again because I’m not expecting a response. I’m too busy wondering why I haven’t appreciated how amazing my best friend is. How kind and supportive and funny. And how fucking gorgeous.

  I’ve never been a lucky guy. Never been the one to come out ahead, but right now, with Jojo in my arms, I hope for once my luck holds out.

  23

  Joey

  Being with Logan like this is almost too much to handle. Emotions surge in my chest, like happiness and want and love are going to explode out of me in a bouquet of color.

  His hands are in my hair and on my rear, and mine are on his broad shoulders. I can’t tell what’s hotter, the water rushing over us or the electricity sizzling between our bodies.

  We meld together, his tongue thrusting against mine as we slam into the shower wall and laugh.

  “Are you okay?” Concern and affection shine through his eyes as he runs his thumb over my bottom lip.

  I nod, wanting to tell him I’ve never been so happy before. That I don’t know what’s swirling in my heart, but it’s too big for me to name.

  I know it’s too early to say such things, so I don’t, but being with him like this tonight will be enough.

  Maybe it was seeing him handle Renee in the kitchen earlier this evening that has me ready to set aside my fears and push ahead. I’d come back from the beach to grab another towel and I saw her hit on him, shamelessly suggesting they could screw around behind my back.

  Nothing could’ve kept the smile off my face when he blew her off.

  It made me realize that I’d overreacted this afternoon. Neither of us can control our past, but Logan seems serious about giving us a try, and he’d never deliberately hurt me. I don’t want to be the jealous girl who goes off the deep end anytime another woman talks to her guy. I saw how that green-eyed monster tanked my parents’ relationship. That’s the fastest way to strangle something good.

  And then he scooped me into his lap at the beach and spoke softly to me all night, whispering in my ear, holding me close. By the time we reached our room and he suggested a shower, I couldn’t help but ask him to join me. Another first. One I only want with him.

  I always imagined this moment would make me feel vulnerable. Getting naked under harsh bathroom lights sounds like something I’d want to hide under a rock to avoid. But in this moment, standing before Logan and seeing how much he wants me makes me feel powerful and desired. It makes me want to shed my reserved exterior and be brave like I was last night.

  I step away and take a deep breath. Reaching back to the strings on my bikini top, I slowly pull the fabric.

  My bikini top falls to the floor with a wet plop, and time stretches out as I unsnap my cutoffs and slide them off with the rest of my swimsuit. A groan rumbles from Logan’s chest as he studies me from head to toe. “Damn.”

  I resist the urge to hide myself and let him take his fill while water beats across my skin. I don’t want to be the girl who’s afraid of her shadow anymore.

  The next moment, I’m in his arms, skin to skin against his hard chest. The sensation is so intimate, everything in me flares to life.

  Shamelessly, I rub against him as we kiss. I need to feel him. Need to prove that this is real. That I’m not going to wake up in the morning and find tonight was a dream.

  Feeling bold, I let my hands roam. Over his strong shoulders and chest. Down his sexy eight-pack. Through the trail of hair leading down. Until my fingers reach his trunks.

  Remembering what we did last night, I rub him over the fabric and try to ignore the mounting fear when I consider his size. Because seriously, how is that behemoth going to f
it?

  Like he can read my mind, he pulls me close and whispers, “We’ll go slow, Jojo. Only what you want to do. You’re in control.”

  I nod, relief settling over me enough to relax again. “I want this. Show me what to do.”

  He starts to pull me closer, and I shake my head. “Show me.”

  For a second, I can’t believe what I’m about to attempt, but I’m tired of hiding what I really want when it comes to this man.

  Slipping my hands into the waistband of his trunks, I slide them down over his slender hips and muscular thighs as I fall to my knees. Until his hard length bobs in front of me.

  Through the droplets clinging to my lashes, I look up and take him in my hand. My heart pounds like I’ve run a marathon as I say the words, “Tell me what you like. How to make you feel good.” He made me have an out-of-body experience last night. I want to return the favor.

  “Fuck, I love this side of you, baby,” he groans, thickening in my palm.

  His eyes hood as I take a tiny lick across his swollen head, tasting the salty bead of fluid at the tip. Gently, I tug up and down as I marvel at how he can be velvety smooth and yet so hard.

  His palm wraps around mine to grip himself tighter, and I encourage him with a nod. With his other hand, he fists my hair, and the intensity makes me catch my breath. A devilish smile spreads on his face. “Open up. Wanna feed you my cock, gorgeous girl.”

  Dang. That’s hot. But I’m not surprised Logan is a dirty talker. Bring it, big boy. I like this side of you too.

  I rub him over my lips before I comply and slide him against my tongue.

  He lets go of my hand once I get the rhythm he likes. We watch each other, his eyes glued to my mouth where I’m stretched wide. I can’t go too deep, but he doesn’t seem to care. Whenever I do something he likes, his hold on my hair tightens, which sends a zing through my body.

  What’s crazy is how turned on I am from doing this. I’m slick and swollen between my legs, the pulse beating there growing with every suck and swipe of my tongue on his body.