Max Rage: Intergalactic Badass!

by Jake Bible

  “Earth Corp know it has pirates in its region? I bet not. They really aren’t a fan of pirates,” Rage said.

  Several of the Velpoohians hissed and snapped in anger at Rage’s use of the word pirate.

  “Racist punk!”

  “You bigoted musclehead!”

  “That wasn’t very nice…”

  Rage grinned at their offense.

  “Pushing buttons. Always pushing buttons,” Tatti said. “Why are you here, Rage?”

  “None ya,” Rage replied.

  “I’m sorry?” Tatti asked, confused.

  “None ya. As in, none ya business,” Rage said with a smirk.

  “Are you kidding me?” Tatti growled and the other Velpoohians growled with her. “The smartass jokes, as well. So very Rage.”

  “I have a schtick I like to…stick with,” Rage said and chuckled. “Now, how’s about you all take your ugly pirate asses and turn back around? Go get on that jumble of parts you call a ship and just skedaddle on away from here. Leave in the next thirty seconds and I bet I can convince the owner of this ship not to send you an invoice for the damage.”

  “Shall we rip him apart and eat his intestines, boss?” one of the pirates asked.

  “Yeah, boss, shall they?” Rage said. “I kinda want to see them try. Been a while since I’ve killed some pirates.”

  “Stop calling us pirates, you racist son of a bitch!” Tatti shouted. “Did you already forget your Earth Corp sensitivity training? There is no place in this galaxy for such bigotry!”

  “You attack ships. Board ships. Most of the time rape and murder the passengers. Definitely rape and murder the crew. Then steal all their shit,” Rage said. “You’re the definition of pirates. So, I’m gonna fucking call you pirates.”

  Three of the Velpoohians drew pistols and took aim at Rage. They were dead before they could exert even a breath of pressure on their triggers. The corpses fell as Tatti glared. Rage put the muzzle of his rifle to his lips and blew.

  “Little kiss for good luck in the afterlife there,” Rage said. “I’m not a total bastard.”

  “I have three hundred men and women that will die for me on board my ship, Rage,” Tatti said, ignoring the corpses bleeding around her boots. “You can’t kill all of them.”

  “I think we both know that isn’t exactly true,” Rage said and looked past Tatti at the other Velpoohians. “You all ever heard of the Grask Incident?”

  They all stiffened.

  “Good,” Rage continued. “Who here can tell me how many Velpoohians died in that incident? First one to raise his or her hand and give the correct answer will be allowed to leave this ship alive.”

  No one raised their hand, but a few of the Velpoohians did twitch a little as they thought about it.

  “Really? Not even one guess?” Rage sighed. “Pirates are no fun. I’ll go ahead and tell you, though.”

  “Six hundred and forty-one,” Tatti interrupted.

  “How many survivors?” Rage asked.

  “None,” Tatti said.

  “Negative six,” Rage said. “There were some resurrectionists in your ranks back then. I had to kill them twice.”

  “You are a heartless butcher, Rage,” Tatti spat. “At least the Velpoohians have goals and ambitions for a free galaxy. You only have killing in your heart.”

  “And lots of cholesterol,” Rage said. “But my system was designed to handle fatty foods, so I’m not worried.”

  “Are you quite finished, Rage?” Watchdog asked, revealing himself from around the corridor’s corner. “Or are you planning on killing them with horrible one-liners and idiotic quips? Because we do have a timetable to keep.”

  “Why you gotta ruin the mood, Bolt Butt?” Rage asked.

  “Bolt Butt,” one of the pirates snickered.

  “Right?” Rage chuckled. Then he shot the pirate in the face. “I didn’t say you could laugh.”

  The rest of the pirates launched themselves at Rage, blasters firing plasma and lasers, teeth bared, goggles fogged with bloodlust.

  Rage met them head-on, his rifle held one-handed, barking plasma into the oncoming pirates, his free hand closed into a fist and raised above his head. The few pirates that survived the rifle fire were quickly dropped as Rage brought his fist down, up, down, to the side, up, down, up, down, updown, updown updown, downdowndowndown.

  With blood dripping from his knuckles and a thin tendril of smoke rising from the muzzle of his rifle, Rage faced Tatti, ankle deep in mangled corpses and cracked goggles.

  “Huh,” Rage said as he glanced down at his work. “I guess you’re right. I do only have killing in my heart. Need me to show you some love too, Tatti?”

  “Three hundred Velpoohians, Rage,” Tatti said. “I was not exaggerating or making an idle threat.”

  “I sure as shit hope not,” Rage replied. “Because these fools barely raised my pulse above Slightly Irritated. I was hoping to get a little cardio in today and I need at least Generally Annoyed to burn any calories these days.” Rage patted his rock hard abs. “Not as young as I used to be. But being an immortal space vampire, I guess you know all about that. You getting your steps in, Tatti? Looking a little pudgy in the hips there.”

  “I will eat your liver!” Tatti shrieked as she flung herself at Rage.

  “Now we’re talking!” Rage responded as he fired his rifle.

  Tatti was already on him, knocking the rifle’s aim way off, sending a plasma blast ricocheting around the corridor.

  “Do you mind?” Watchdog shouted, looking down at a scorch mark on his uniform.

  Tatti clawed at Rage’s eyes, but he managed to get a forearm up to block the slashing attacks. His arm was shredded down to the bone, but the flesh was already healing as Rage slammed a fist into Tatti’s abdomen, doubling the woman over. Rage brought up a knee and demolished Tatti’s nose, but she also healed fast and the nose reset itself as she shoved away from Rage and regrouped.

  “Still a freak of nature, I see,” Tatti said, wiping orange blood from her lips.

  “Look who’s talking, bitch,” Rage replied, flicking regular blood from his healing arm. “You ever get bored with being undead?”

  “My race is not undead, Rage!” Tatti yelled. “You know that!”

  “Call it as I see it,” Rage said with a shrug.

  “The fact you live is an affront to all that is holy,” Tatti said. “Perhaps one day you will learn your lesson. Perhaps one day the Goddess will—”

  Tatti’s head was obliterated by a short plasma blast. Rage cried out and whirled around to see Watchdog standing with a blaster extended from his right middle finger.

  “I did say we had a schedule to keep,” Watchdog said.

  Rage spun back to stare at Tatti’s headless corpse.

  “Didn’t have to kill her,” Rage said as he approached the corpse and gave it a nudge with his boot. “She was an evil twat, but she didn’t deserve a cheap shot like that.”

  “Your sense of honor is quite warped, Rage,” Watchdog said. “Why does it matter how she dies?”

  “We had history,” Rage said then looked toward the breach. “And we’re about to have company.”

  Watchdog moved to Rage’s side as the two prepared for the incoming horde of angry pirates. The sound of hundreds of boots filled the air, and Rage raised his rifle to his shoulder with his right arm then drew a heavy pistol with his left hand.

  “Next time, you take my lead and let me handle the relationships with our enemies, got it?” Rage said as the horde grew closer.

  “Quite warped,” Watchdog said as the pirates burst from the breach and filled the corridor.

  Rage opened fire. Watchdog opened fire. The pirates opened fire.

  The corridor was filled with plasma blasts, laser bolts, smoke, fire, blood, screaming, a lot more blood, even more screaming, a third, fourth, and fifth helping of blood, a few uncomfortable laughs, three unfortunate explosions, a loud fart, then silence.

  “Who threw th
e grenades?” Rage asked, glancing at Watchdog. “I didn’t. Kind of a wussy move.”

  “Then why do you have bandoliers of grenades across your chest?” Watchdog asked.

  “Just flexin’,” Rage replied.

  Watchdog grunted then pointed at a pile of hair that reached to the corridor’s ceiling. “Looks like the Snorpas tried to throw grenades. Must have gotten caught in their fur.”

  “When will Snorpas ever learn that proper grooming is key to surviving a bloodbath?” Rage asked, shaking his head. “Stupid Snorpas.”

  “I count two hundred and eighty-seven,” Watchdog said. “Some Velpoohians remain on their ship.”

  “Not for long,” Rage said and removed the bandoliers of grenades from his body. He activated the entire bunch and threw them as far and hard as he could through the breach in the Hourglass’s hull. “You’ll want to tell Pilot to hit the gas. Not gonna be fun when those go off.”

  “Tell Pilot to hit the gas?” Watchdog exclaimed. “Their ship is still anchored to us!”

  “Right,” Rage said and blasted the tether anchors to bits with his rifle. The Hourglass shuddered as it began to drift free of the Velpoohian ship. “How’s that work for ya?”

  Watchdog called out orders in bot speak. Rage rolled his eyes, knowing half the bleeps and beeps were probably insults aimed at him.

  The Hourglass didn’t even shake are shimmy as it raced away from the pirate ship. Rage watched, highly impressed, as the outer shields kept the ship’s atmosphere intact despite the massive hole in the hull.

  “Glad your lady sprung for the clear coat upgrade there,” Rage said, nodding at the hull breach. “Or this might have gotten uncomfortable.”

  “We are well past that point, Rage,” Watchdog said.

  An army of repair bots filled the corridor and began to work on the breach while a second army of cleaning bots started in on the pirate corpses.

  “Hold up,” Rage said as a bot picked up Tatti’s corpse. “Don’t incinerate that one. Set it aside in the freezer for me, will ya?”

  The bot flashed some red lights where Rage assumed its eyes were.

  “That a yes?” Rage asked and turned to Watchdog. “That a yes?”

  “Why do you need the vampire’s corpse to be taken to the freezer?” Watchdog asked.

  “Sentimentality’s sake?” Rage replied.

  “Quite warped,” Watchdog said then beeped at the bot that held Tatti.

  “You keep saying that,” Rage said. “Time for a new line, Bolt Butt.”

  Watchdog turned his back on Rage and walked off.

  “Hey, Watchdog!” Rage called.

  “What?” Watchdog asked without turning back.

  “Good job,” Rage said. “You can kick ass. Oh, and you have some Snorpa on your foot. Might want to wipe that off before you track it throughout the ship.”

  Watchdog left without responding.

  “It’s gonna get everywhere!” Rage shouted after the bot, a satisfied grin on his face.

  Ten

  Just like the rest of the ship, the shower was beyond luxurious. Although a little confusing. It took Rage thirty minutes of pushing buttons and shouting commands before he could get the scrub bots to stop trying to clean his ass and just go away and leave him in peace.

  “That was impressive,” Lisha said as she stood in the bathroom’s doorway, steam whirling around her.

  Rage wiped at the shower stall’s door and frowned. Lisha was completely naked.

  “May I join you?” Lisha asked as she moved closer.

  “I’m about to get out,” Rage said and shut the water off. “But I appreciate the offer.”

  “Let me guess,” Lisha said, crossing her arms over her ample breasts. “You have a shower routine with that lady of yours back on Earth?”

  “Sort of, yeah,” Rage said as a bot handed him a towel. He looked about the enormous bathroom as he dried himself off. “It’s a spacial thing.”

  “A what? I don’t understand,” Lisha said.

  Rage threw the towel on the floor then stepped up to Lisha, pressing his body against hers.

  “Small bathroom. No room to move,” Rage said as he smiled at Lisha’s intake of breath when their skin touched. “Adds to the fun when you can’t go anywhere.”

  Rage wrapped an arm around Lisha’s waist. She sighed and moved her mouth toward his. But Rage lifted her up, moved her aside, set her down, then walked out of the bathroom and into his spacious bedroom, leaving Lisha in a wound-up huff in the doorway.

  “Oh, you are something,” she said as she followed him into the bedroom. She picked up her dress and slid into it as Rage grabbed a pair of jeans off the bed and tugged them on. “I will have you one of these days, Rage. I’ve set my mind to that goal.”

  “You probably will have me. You’re too hot for me to resist for long,” Rage said. “But for now isn’t the back and forth play more fun?”

  “No,” Lisha stated. “The in-and-out play would be much more fun.”

  “It’ll happen,” Rage said as he pulled a black T-shirt over his head and gave Lisha a wide, lecherous grin. “I’m only so disciplined. Gotta warn you, though. When it does happen, you may get more than you bargained for.”

  “I could say the same for you,” Lisha replied.

  The two grinned at each other for a few seconds before Lisha crossed to the wet bar and pointed at the bottles.

  “Drink?” she asked.

  “You know it,” Rage said as he slid on his boots then fetched a heavy pistol from his bedside table and strapped that to his waist.

  Lisha poured then glanced at the weapon. “Expecting more trouble?”

  “Always,” Rage said. “Also, not trusting you so much right now, to be honest. Something Tatti said is sticking in my mind.”

  “Tatti? Oh, yes, the headless space vampire you are storing in the galley freezer,” Lisha said, handing Rage a large tumbler of brown liquor. “Cook is not very pleased with that.”

  “Yeah, I’m not the kind of guy that gives a shit about whether or not a bot is pleased,” Rage said.

  Lisha shrugged and poured herself just as large of a drink. She sipped at the liquor, her eyes locked onto Rage over the rim of the glass. She smacked her lips when done.

  “Delicious,” she said. “Now, how about you tell me what has you troubled, Max. What could a despicable person like that pirate possibly say to make you distrust me? She was the enemy, not I.”

  “Except I’ve known Tatti a lot longer than you, so her words hold weight,” Rage said. He downed his drink and walked to the wet bar for a refill. “Have you watched the vids of the fight?”

  “Of course,” Lisha said. “So exciting.”

  “Then you heard her start to say something about a goddess just before Watchdog blew her head off,” Rage said, filling his glass with twice as much liquor as before. “Kinda weird, don’t you think? Makes me wonder if the pirates weren’t really looking to simply plunder your ship, but were maybe after something specific. Maybe coordinates of where to find a goddess.”

  “I couldn’t begin to guess at the motivations of space scum like the Velpoohians,” Lisha said.

  “Oh, I bet you know all about space scum,” Rage said.

  “Was that an insult, Max? Rather rude of you,” Lisha protested, but her tone was playful, coy, sly.

  Rage didn’t buy a bit of it. Buying crap like that wasn’t his thing. She was setting him up for the takedown and he simply waited her out.

  “Fine,” Lisha said after several seconds of silence. “Perhaps I know more than I let on before.”

  “Surprise,” Rage replied in a bored tone.

  “Don’t be cute,” Lisha said.

  “You want to steal a goddess,” Rage said. “You need my help. You said to me earlier that you have the coordinates. But you want to stop by your home to prepare. I have seen your armory. What else do you need? “

  “The rest of the team you will be working with,” Lisha stated.


  “Team? No. I don’t do teams.”

  “You used to lead one.”

  “Then they all died. I may have killed some officers that deserved killing because of that. Spent some time in prison. Got let loose because someone wanted it all to go away. Now I’m on my own, and I plan on keeping it that way.”

  “Bouncing at a dive bar on Earth can be a solo job, Max, but not a god heist. That takes a team and planning. They are waiting at my home. We stop there, pick them up, then you lead them and finish the job. I make you richer than you can imagine, and you can go back to bouncing at that dive bar or you can travel the galaxy as a free man.”

  She moved close and pressed her breasts to his chest. Her eyes studied his face and she smiled as she reached down and cupped his crotch.

  “I’m hoping between now and you leaving me, we can take care of this tension between us. I would hate for all we get out of this is power beyond imagination.”

  Rage removed her hand, but not without some reluctance. She was incredibly inviting.

  “How many in this team?” Rage asked.

  “Three,” Lisha replied with a smile and a quick kiss on his lips before she turned, made sure he got a good look at her ass, then sat down on his bed. “One is muscle. One is surveillance. And one is infiltration.”

  “You need more muscle than me?” Rage asked.

  “I need you to lead, Max. The muscle is for crushing and smashing without thought. Surveillance is because your every move will need to be timed. Infiltration is so we have a person on the inside from the start.”

  “What about tech?”

  “Watchdog will handle tech since he can override any system he puts his electronic mind to. The two of you worked well earlier against the pirates.”

  “Yeah. That was loads of fun.”

  “I believe you enjoyed it more than a little bit, Max.”

  “Maybe,” Rage replied, forcing himself not to smirk.

  Lisha grinned at his reply. She leaned forward, parted her legs, but tucked her arms down so that her dress did not ride up. She also managed to keep her cleavage from revealing too much.

  “You sure about us?” she asked. “I have several bots that are more than adequate, but there’s nothing like skin on skin. Might be a great way to seal our deal.”