Max Rage: Intergalactic Badass!

by Jake Bible

  “You don’t give up, do you?”

  “Have I given you any impression that giving up is part of my personality?”

  “Not in the slightest.”

  “Then…?”

  “Not now. I need to think this through. So many changes of plans and secret agendas revealed. Hard for this former master chief sergeant major to track it all.”

  “Don’t be self-effacing, Max. You have the intelligence to not only track it all, but get a few steps ahead. Once you have enough intel.”

  “Is there more you want to tell me?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “Then I’m going to think this all through. How soon until we reach your home?”

  “Three days.”

  “That long?”

  “Watchdog is making sure we are not intercepted again. He insists on taking the long route.”

  “Three days. Plenty of time for me to figure out the truth.”

  “I’ve told you the truth, Max.”

  “Your truth. I want the truth.”

  “Fine,” Lisha said and stood up. She slapped her hands against her hips and frowned. “No sex with Max Rage tonight because he has to think about the truth. Have fun with that. I’ll be having fun with several attachments and some of the best liquor money can buy in the galaxy. Goodnight, Max.”

  “Goodnight,” Rage replied with more than a little reluctance as Lisha stormed out of his quarters.

  All of that flirting was nothing compared to the flash of anger and aggression she displayed before leaving. Rage almost changed his mind and pulled her back into his quarters so he could throw her on his bed and go to town.

  But he had work to do. Some thinking, yes, but more importantly some talking. Talking to the corpse of a space vampire that was on ice in the galley freezer.

  Eleven

  Cook was not pleased, to say the least.

  The bot berated Rage from the second he stepped foot in the galley all the way to when Rage stepped foot in the freezer. An unrelenting barrage of bleeps, beeps, and a couple of hoots. Rage’s comms translator could barely keep up.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go whip some cream or something,” Rage said and slammed the freezer door in the angry bot’s faceplate. “Asshole.”

  Tatti’s headless body was lying on the floor of the freezer in the back corner. The freezer was so massive that it took Rage three minutes to get from the door to the back wall. He dragged Tatti’s corpse out into the middle of the freezer so he could have some space, pulled a knife from his belt, then slashed his left forearm.

  Blood welled then dripped from the wound and onto the stump of Tatti’s neck. His arm wound began to heal, and Rage slashed again to keep it open and bleeding. More blood dripped onto the corpse until the ragged neck stump was coated in red.

  Then Rage rocked back on his heels, ignoring the sub-zero temperature, and waited.

  Fourteen minutes later, the corpse began to shiver. The blood on the neck stump disappeared, sucked inside the corpse, and a small bud of something began to grow. Rage watched with growing impatience as the something slowly morphed into a miniature version of Tatti’s former head.

  The little tiny eyes glared up at Rage. Once the fangs came in, tiny head Tatti bared them and hissed. Rage laughed. The hiss sounded like tea kettle.

  “Save your breath,” Rage said and plopped down on a crate of Zaphox eggs.

  The stink coming off the eggs was powerful, even while frozen, but Rage didn’t care. It gave him an excuse to use the luxurious shower again later if he wanted. He might even take Lisha up on her offer. He knew it was inevitable. All depended on his mood after talking to Tatti.

  If her damn head would hurry up and grow back.

  Rage tapped his toes and grew increasingly less patient with each passing second.

  “Yeah, that’s good enough,” Rage said when Tatti’s head was about three-quarter size. “You hear me alright, Tatti?”

  “I hear you just fine, Rage,” Tatti squeaked. Her voice was still quite high-pitched.

  “Great. Tell me what you know about the goddess,” Rage said.

  “You tell me what you know first,” Tatti said.

  Rage frowned. “Not sure you’re getting what’s happening here, Tatti. We got history, sure, but I have no problem stomping that new head of yours to pulp if you fuck with me.”

  “I didn’t ask you to save me,” Tatti said. “Some fool was bound to come by and get too close to my body. My mouth isn’t the only part of my body that has teeth.”

  “Learned that the hard way,” Rage said. “But your reality right now is I own your ass. You talk, you make me happy with your talk, I let you live. You refuse to talk, which will make me pretty goddamn angry, and I not only stomp that head to mush, I throw your vampire ass off this ship where you’ll tumble like a frozen hunk of space waste for the rest of your immortal life.”

  “My people would be upset if you did that, Rage,” Tatti said. “They will find you.”

  “Don’t give a good fuck,” Rage replied. “Honestly, Tatti, your people are the last of my worries.” Rage paused. “Wait…which people? The pirates or the vampires?”

  “Do not call us pirates!”

  “Whatever.”

  “You should fear both.”

  Rage thought about that for a second. Either organization could be a thorn in his well-muscled ass, but both together? Might end up biting said ass later on down the line.

  Oh well.

  “Nope, don’t give a fuck,” Rage reiterated. “Tell me about the goddess or our little frozen tête-à-tête is over.”

  “You do not fear my vampire clan?”

  “I don’t fear shit, Tatti.”

  “Not even my Velpoohian brothers and sisters? They have a reach that is far and wide.”

  “Yeah, my reach is pretty damn wide too. Wide enough that it tore quite a few of your pirate friends apart. Did you miss that failed boarding attempt?”

  “I was there, Rage.”

  “Kinda didn’t go how you planned, did it?”

  “I would rather not relive the moment.”

  “Moment. Yep. Over in one, is what I think. Just fucking talk, Tatti. Tell me everything you know and I’ll let you go.”

  “How? I doubt you kept my ship close by.”

  “No. Blew it the fuck up. It was a little clingy.”

  “You are scum of the galaxy, Rage. You have no respect for others.”

  “Says the bitch that sucks people dry of their blood. Get some perspective, Tatti.”

  Rage stood and placed a boot on Tatti’s still growing forehead.

  “Goddess or your head goes pop,” Rage said.

  Tatti growled, hissed, snarled, then sighed.

  “The goddess shall save us all from the coming doom that has reached the edge of our universe.”

  “Huh. Coming doom? Doesn’t sound good,” Rage said. “But at the edge of the universe? Not the galaxy, but the universe? This doom’s got a bit of a hike before it gets to us.”

  “It can be here in a blink, if it so chooses.”

  “So, this goddess, can stop the doom thing?”

  “She can.”

  “Because…”

  “She is a goddess.”

  “Nah. That doesn’t work for me. I need an actual why why.”

  “The doom that approaches fears her. She is the element that it cannot survive.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Tatti!” Rage roared. “No more riddles and shit! Talk straight or out you go!”

  The freezer door opened and Cook glanced inside.

  “Go away!” Rage shouted.

  Cook bleeped and was translated into, “I am in need of—”

  “FUCK OFF!”

  Cook’s eyes flashed red. It shut the door hard enough to shake the freezer walls.

  “Still hate bots, I see,” Tatti chuckled.

  “What’s not to hate?” Rage replied. “Now, what is this element that the goddess has that this stupid doo
m thing fears?”

  “Love,” Tatti stated.

  Rage blinked then laughed. “Love? As in love love? Ooey gooey love? Are you shitting me?”

  “I am not. The goddess is made from galactic love. She is its representation on our plane of existence. If your employer finds her, she will drain her of all her power and corrupt that love in horrific ways unimaginable. She is an evil widow that must not be allowed to find the goddess.”

  “Not my employer. I’m freelancing this one. Kind of playing a few sides with this gig.”

  “Of course you are.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means you are looking out for Max Rage as Max Rage always does. Even when you were with Earth Corp, you were never truly with Earth Corp. Rage is for Rage.”

  “You say it like it’s an insult, but I call it what works. It’s kept me alive this long. Where is the goddess?”

  “That I do not know,” Tatti replied. “It was why we boarded this ship. Your employer—”

  “Stop calling her that.”

  “—knows where she is. I assume you must know as well.”

  “Nope. Heading to Sporkon Five for a rendezvous with some team,” Rage said using air quotes for “team.” “Then we head out and steal this little love goddess. Not a clue what happens after that.”

  “Celestial murder,” Tatti said. “The death of love in the galaxy.”

  “Jesus. You space vampires are so goddamn melodramatic,” Rage said. He thought for a moment. “How about we make a deal?”

  “I do not make deals with coward,” Tatti said.

  “Good goddamn policy. Handy that I’m not a coward.”

  “Oh, but you are. I can smell it on you.”

  “Take it back,” Rage snapped, lifting Tatti up by her close to normal-sized neck. Her blood-coated boots dangled a few feet off the ground as Rage held her high. “Take it back, Tatti. I’m no coward.”

  “You protest like one.”

  Rage squeezed. Tatti coughed and choked then nodded. Rage eased up.

  “You are not a coward. You are worse,” Tatti gasped.

  “Oh? What’s worse than being a coward?” Rage asked, honestly unsure of the answer.

  “A quitter,” Tatti said and struck.

  Her hands boxed Rage’s ears and he only grinned.

  “I was ready for that. You tried it on me about a decade back, remember? That time I staked half your coven or book club or whatever the fuck it was.” Rage shook his head. “I thought space vampires had good memories.”

  “Worth a try,” Tatti said with an awkward shrug.

  “Want to listen to my deal?” Rage asked.

  “Fine.”

  Rage dropped the vampire. Tatti landed on her feet, but lowered herself into a crouch, ready to spring at him. Rage rolled his eyes and sat back down.

  “I let you go. You follow us to Sporkon Five then on to wherever we’re headed. I help steal this love goddess for Lisha then my obligation is done. If a bunch of pirates happen to be lying in wait and steal the goddess from us, then that’s a bummer, but not really my problem.”

  “What do you get out of it?” Tatti asked, her eyes narrowed to suspicious slits.

  “A ride home,” Rage said. “I got a nice gig as a bouncer back on Earth.”

  “A bouncer? As in at a bar?” Tatti asked. “A bouncer at a bar? On Earth?”

  “Yeah. A bouncer. At a bar. On Earth. I kinda said that.”

  “Why…would you want to return to that? You are Max Rage, scourge of the galaxy.”

  “Scourge of the… What? Who calls me that?”

  “Everyone that doesn’t like you. So, the entire galaxy. You were pretty hated when you worked for Earth Corp. Then you went off the rails and the few people that thought you were amusing no longer did. You upped your dick level when Earth Corp court-martialed you.”

  “I was in a bad place. Shit happens.” Rage smirked. “I did kind of go super dick for a while.”

  “Oh, yes, you most certainly did.”

  “Do we have a deal or not, Tatti?”

  “How many deals do you have in place at the moment?”

  Rage thought about that. “Two. Maybe three. No, two.”

  “Why should I trust you to keep our deal if you are willing to betray the other two?”

  “I’m not betraying anything. I’ll fulfill all the deals. It ain’t rocket science, Tatti.”

  “You let me go to follow you? We get the goddess once you have found her? And all you want is a ride?”

  “A ride home,” Rage specified. “To Crater Ray’s. On Earth. Alive. No killing me on the way home and tossing my body out an airlock as you fly by. Alive and unharmed.”

  “You may get harmed along the way. I cannot prevent that.”

  “No harm from you or the pirates. Or the vampires. You and yours leave me the hell alone, got it?”

  “I can live with this deal.”

  “Great. Give me a couple hours to figure out how to get you off the ship without being detected. I’ll return soon.”

  “You had better, Rage.”

  “Stop with the empty threats, Tatti. They make you sound sad. Like really fucking sad. Kinda pitiful.”

  Twelve

  It took Rage a little longer than he liked to come up with a way to get Tatti off the ship. Watchdog had bots trailing him every step of his way. Rage was pretty sure Cook had bitched to the head of security.

  When Rage figured out how to get rid of Tatti, he almost smacked himself in the forehead. It was about as simple a plan as simple plans got.

  “The trash?” Tatti hissed as Rage stuffed her into a cube filled with some of the day’s refuse.

  “Only thing the bots won’t search,” Rage said. “They might scan the trash, but you have no heat signature and you’ve been in the ship’s freezer for hours. You’ll come up as a hunk of rotten something, not as a living person. Which you aren’t. Living.”

  “I live, Rage. Maybe you should pull your—” Tatti said just before he closed the lid of the cube.

  Rage didn’t hear the rest of her statement, but he was certain it wasn’t filled with compliments.

  After waiting close to the galley for nearly an hour, Rage finally got his opportunity to add the trash cube to the pile near the refuse chute without being observed by a bot. If Watchdog was monitoring the security vids, then that was a different matter. Not much Rage could do about that, though, so he decided not to worry unless he was forced to. Which was sort of his default philosophy on life anyway.

  “You must be tired, sir,” a servant bot said as Rage turned a corner and came face to face with the automaton.

  “I’m good,” Rage said and tried to move past the bot.

  “You must be tired, sir,” the bot repeated as it shifted to block Rage. “Would you like me to show you to your quarters?”

  Rage glared at the bot, took a step to the left, which was matched by the bot, took a step back to the right, which was matched again by the bot, then shrugged.

  “If you want to waste your time, sure,” Rage said. “Show me to my quarters.”

  “I would be happy to, sir,” the bot said and pivoted 180 degrees on the spot.

  Rage did the same and walked quickly in the opposite direction.

  “Sir! Sir!” the bot called after Rage. “Your quarters are this way! Sir!”

  “Changed my mind!” Rage called back over his shoulder.

  He worked his way through the ship until he found a familiar room. The lounge.

  “If you can’t beat ‘em, drink ‘em,” Rage said.

  He grinned at the absurdity of the statement. He really was tired as hell and would rather be in his quarters sleeping off the day’s insanity, but he hated being told what to do, so drinking in the lounge it was then.

  Rage found the liquor and poured himself a quadruple. He tipped the glass to the ceiling, fallen comrades the subject of his silent toast, then downed the booze in one gulp. After two refills, Rage wen
t and sat down on the plush couch. It felt good to take a load off and just relax.

  Not that relaxing was really an option on the Hourglass. Rage wasn’t foolish enough to let his guard down. But at least he could sit in comfort with a full drink in his hand, his eye on the lounge door, and let a little weight slip from his shoulders.

  That weight returned as soon as Watchdog arrived to ruin the mood.

  “You stink of Zaphox eggs,” Watchdog said as he entered the lounge. “Why?”

  “You’ve already studied the security feeds, Bolt Butt,” Rage replied. “You tell me.”

  “You visited the corpse of that pirate vampire,” Watchdog said.

  “I think she preferred vampire pirate,” Rage said.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Has a better ring to it?”

  “No. Why did you visit the corpse? What purpose could that serve?”

  “We’d known each other a long time,” Rage said. “Not friends in any damn sense of the word, but we weren’t always enemies. And when we were, she was pretty damn worthy of respect.” Rage lifted his glass. “So I paid my respects.”

  “Then you disposed of the body,” Watchdog said. “Where?”

  “You tell me.”

  “I am disliking your use of that phrase, Rage,” Watchdog said. “Where did you put her body?”

  “You couldn’t tell from the security feeds?”

  “They were obscured briefly in the galley section of the ship. I assume that is your doing.”

  “Never assume. It makes an idiot out of you because you’re an idiot.”

  “That is not how the phrase goes.”

  “Yet it fits your metal ass. Is there a point to this questioning, Bolt Butt?”

  “Stop calling me that.”

  “I can almost one hundred percent guarantee that won’t happen.” Rage sipped his drink. “Bolt. Butt.”

  Watchdog made a sighing noise that sent shivers down Rage’s spine. Creepy as hell.

  “I do not know what you did with the corpse, or why you did it, but I will find out, Rage,” Watchdog said after several seconds of pregnant silence. “I shall now give you some advice.”

  “Oh, great, advice from a bot. Yay…”

  “Do not try to deceive me, Rage. Do not believe that you are superior because you are a living organism. I have been in existence for a very long time. You are not the first moron my lady has hired for her purposes and you will not be the last. I watch you fleshbags come and go and yet I remain. Always here. Always at my lady’s side. Always ready to dispose of the next fleshbag that my lady grows tired of.”