Max Rage: Intergalactic Badass!

by Jake Bible

  “Exactly,” Neela replied. She was studying the control console in front of her then spotted what she needed. “Alright. This is going to need to be timed perfectly, understand?”

  “No,” Rage admitted.

  “I’m going to turn the music off. Then I’m going to shout the goddess’s name into the microphone. After that, we have to get from here to her before anyone else decides to take advantage of her while she’s vulnerable,” Neela said.

  Rage stared at the massive goddess. “Can she be vulnerable?”

  “Yes,” Neela said. “And pliable. I will have to get in front of her face and say her name again for her to imprint on me so no one can use her to their advantage. If I don’t do that, then all anyone has to do is tell her to attack and she will obliterate us, this club, and possibly the entire station.”

  Rage turned and stared at Neela.

  “What?” Neela asked. “Strippers talk, Rage. They know a lot and they say a lot. I pretty much went to goddess grad school while changing into my outfit earlier tonight. Oh, and by the way, they all knew her true name. It was hardly a secret among the strippers.”

  “Then why aren’t they using the name to control the goddess now?” Rage asked as he watched naked strippers fleeing the club.

  “Because she’s one of their own and that’d be a total bitch move,” Neela said.

  “Honor code among strippers?” Rage asked and chuckled.

  “Don’t be a dick, Rage,” Neela said. “You are the last person in the galaxy to get all judgy.”

  “Fair enough,” Rage said. “We doing this or what?”

  “Ready?” Neela asked.

  “Ready,” Rage said, one hand on the door’s knob and one hand on Neela’s arm.

  “Here we go,” Neela said. She switched the music off and shouted into the microphone. “Petunia! Stop dancing!”

  The goddess froze in place. Rage yanked hard on Neela’s arm and threw her up over his shoulder as he pulled the DJ booth door open.

  He sprinted from the booth and headed straight for the stage with Neela slung across both shoulders. Patrons got in his way, but Rage pummeled the shit out of them without slowing. A random guard tried to draw down on Rage, but he kicked a stool into the man’s head and the guy’s face was demolished instantly.

  They were only a few meters away from the stage and the frozen goddess when Rage saw Mosh step up to the edge and lift Book up so the goddess could see the stuffed bear.

  “Tin Man! No!” Rage yelled.

  Mosh put his face behind Book and pretended the teddy bear could talk.

  “Hi there, Petunia,” Mosh said in a squeaky voice. “I’m Book. Wanna be friends?”

  The goddess unfroze and smiled down at the stuffed animal.

  “I be friends with Book,” Petunia said. “Book want Petunia kill everyone?”

  Mosh glanced over at Rage and grinned.

  “You know what, Petunia,” Mosh said in that same squeaky voice. “Maybe Book does.”

  Thirty-One

  “Just fucking with ya, Rage,” Mosh said as Rage skidded to a stop a couple feet from the metal man and let Neela tumble from his shoulder.

  “Ow, asshole!” Neela yelled as she jumped up onto her feet.

  “Sorry,” Rage said, his eyes flicking from Mosh to Petunia and back to Mosh. “You know what you’ve done?”

  “Yeah. I just imprinted a goddess on a stuffed animal,” Mosh said. “I told you I’m not crazy or stupid. I got this bear for a reason.” Mosh tossed Book to Rage who caught it after a couple bobbles. Petunia’s head swiveled on her massive neck and stared at the teddy bear. “Now whoever has Book has control of Petunia. That way we don’t have to worry about only one of us having control. Or losing control if one of us dies on our way back to the Hourglass.”

  “I completely underestimated you, Tin Man,” Rage said. “You got more than ball bearings rolling around in that metal skull of yours, don’t you?”

  “Yep,” Mosh said then frowned. “Can I have Book back now?”

  “Uh…sure?” Rage said and looked at Neela.

  She shrugged. Rage tossed the teddy bear back to Mosh. Petunia’s head swiveled in kind.

  “Rage,” Fig said as he scurried over and huddled close to the team. “We still have a problem.”

  Rage, Neela, and Mosh all glanced around at the violence and insanity that had overtaken the club. Violence and insanity that was slightly calming down enough to focus on the people that were the root cause of everything. Some of the killing slowed then stopped. Some. There was still plenty of butchery happening, but only off to the sides of the club and in the corners.

  The majority of patrons, waitresses, guards, bartenders, and passersby that had stopped in for a good scuffle and killing, were all focusing solely on Rage and the rest of the team.

  “Pinky? Can you get us out of here?” Rage asked as he flexed his muscles and balled his fists. He was out of weapons and his Axis rifle was back in their booth. “Open this stage and take us below, will ya?”

  “Uh… I can’t?” Fig replied.

  “Can you or can’t you?” Neela snapped as she stood shoulder to shoulder with Rage. Her body started to morph and her hands became thick blades. “Fig!”

  “I can’t,” Fig admitted. “I’m trying, but I’m not able to gain access to the mechanics of the stage platform.”

  “Where the fuck is Bolt Butt?” Rage snapped.

  The crowd started to move closer, weapons up, eyes ablaze, murderous intentions very obvious.

  “Here,” Watchdog said from behind the part of the crowd closest to the door. “Duck.”

  Rage grabbed Neela and threw her to the ground as Mosh turned and wrapped himself around Fig. Watchdog opened fire and plasma bolts tore into the crowd, annihilating heads, torsos, legs. Humans and aliens screamed as their insides became outsides and their limbs were sheared off. Blood of many colors sprayed high into the air and far across the club, coating Rage and the team as well as pretty much everyone else.

  Petunia stood on the stage and laughed. She pointed down at the bodies as Watchdog’s plasma blasters slowed then stopped.

  “Funny dead people! Ha ha ha ha! Funny!” Petunia guffawed.

  “I’m out,” Watchdog said.

  Rage stood up and pointed at the stage and the still-laughing goddess. “Open the platform and get us below!”

  “Can’t,” Watchdog said and turned to face the club entrance. “Platform is completely locked down. Someone activated a security protocol and the stage has been welded solid. That platform will not descend.”

  “So we’re going out the front?” Rage asked.

  “No, Rage, I am facing this direction to give you privacy so you can put on a shirt,” Watchdog said. “Yes, we are going out the front.”

  Mosh unwrapped his arms from Fig, who was shaking uncontrollably as he stared at all the death and dismemberment that surrounded him.

  “You could do with a shirt,” Mosh said.

  “Thanks, Tin Man,” Rage responded. “We’ll swing by a shop on our way out.”

  “Good plan,” Mosh said and waggled the teddy bear before Petunia. She clapped her fat hands and grinned. “That’s right, pretty goddess lady. We’re going for a walk.”

  “Here,” Neela said and handed Rage a T-shirt. There was some blood on it, but not much. “Sorry it’s not black.”

  “Navy blue works for now,” Rage said. “Bolt Butt? Lead the way.”

  “I am out of plasma,” Watchdog said. “Perhaps someone armed would like to lead the way?”

  “Great. Fine,” Rage said.

  He stomped across the club, not even bothering to step over corpses. His boots sank into exploded abdomens and cracked ribcages like he was hiking through piles of leaves and twigs. Rage reached the booth and fetched his rifle and pistols from the bench seat. He strapped everything on, gripped the rifle in his hands, then turned and sneered at the team.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” Rage said.

>   “Really?”

  “Seriously, Rage?”

  “You are an idiot.”

  “Fuck off, all of you,” Rage said and stomped his way back across the corpses. The few surviving club patrons and others shrunk back if Rage got too close. “Tin Man? Let the goddess know we’re heading out.”

  “Hello, Petunia,” Mosh said, using Book to talk in that squeaky voice. “Want to go ride in a spaceship?”

  “Petunia love spaceship!” Petunia cried and clapped her massive, fleshy hands together. She scooted to the edge of the stage then fell off the edge, flat onto her face. “Ow.”

  The goddess struggled to get to her feet, but she couldn’t get her legs free from her bulk. Her arms flapped uselessly, unable to reach the floor from around her massive body.

  “Can Petunia use her powers to stand?” Book asked.

  “Petunia use her powers!” Petunia shouted with a huge smile on her face.

  About eight, nope nine, patrons exploded. Their bodies turned to pulp and bits of bone and teeth and just went kablooey. All over Rage and everyone else.

  “That was a good use of your powers, but can Petunia use her powers to stand and walk?” Book asked.

  More patrons exploded.

  “I use powers!” Petunia exclaimed. “Fun!”

  “Tin Man? How about we not ask her to use her powers anymore?” Rage suggested. “Gonna run out of losers to explode then we’re next.”

  “Gotcha,” Mosh said and nodded. He switched back to Book’s voice. “Petunia? Don’t use your powers anymore.”

  Petunia turned her head in a sulk.

  “But thank you for showing us how powerful you are,” Book said.

  “Bolt Butt? Can you carry her?” Rage asked.

  “Of course, Rage,” Watchdog replied. “Let me defy the laws of physics and try to carry a goddess that weighs over half a metric ton. Shouldn’t be a problem maneuvering through the various corridors and decks of the station.”

  “He’s being sarcastic,” Neela said.

  “Yeah. Got that,” Rage replied. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Suggestions?”

  Fig slowly raised his hand then looked sheepishly at Neela. “I have a thought…”

  “And that thought is…?” Rage asked then followed where Fig was looking. “Right. Okay… Mmmmm, Neela? How do you feel about shifting into a—”

  “Fuck no,” Neela snapped.

  “I know it may be a little below you, but we’re sorta fucked at the moment,” Rage said. “If you could just become a—”

  “I said fuck no!” Neela yelled at Rage. “I’m a living being, Rage. A living being. Can I shapeshift into any form I want? Yes. Will I shapeshift into a forklift or grav sled so we can transport this goddess back to the Hourglass?”

  She glared at Rage. Glared at Mosh. Glared at Fig and Watchdog, although Watchdog still had his back to the group as he watched the entrance.

  “Goddamnit,” Neela growled. “Fine. I’ll become a forklift.”

  “Would a grav sled be easier?” Fig asked.

  “Do you know all the mechanics of anti-gravity drives?” Neela asked.

  “No,” Fig replied.

  “Neither do I,” Neela snapped. “But I do know how to make four wheels and a big fork in front.”

  “Can I drive?” Mosh asked.

  “She doesn’t need a fucking driver, Tin Man,” Rage said then turned to Neela. “Do you?”

  “No!”

  “No!” Rage relayed to Mosh.

  “Not even for a little while?” Mosh pleaded.

  “Fuck no!” Neela shouted at him.

  “Sheesh. Chill,” Mosh said and held his hands up.

  “Petunia go for ride?” Petunia asked.

  “Looks like it, big girl,” Rage said. “Neela? If you will.”

  Neela snarled, swore, growled, and grumbled as she slowly shifted her body into a forklift big enough to haul Petunia, but small enough to fit in the corridors of the station.

  “We have company coming,” Watchdog said.

  “Oh, dear,” Fig said. “A platoon of guards.”

  “Squad,” Watchdog corrected. “About twelve. Heavily armed and armored. We need to leave now before they reach the corridor.”

  Neela was almost finished shifting into the forklift. Rage spun his hand around and around in a hurry-up motion.

  “I will run you down, Rage,” Neela’s voice echoed over the comms.

  “Roger that,” Rage said and watched as Neela finished getting shifted.

  “Mosh. You’ll have to do the honors,” Neela said.

  Mosh nodded, handed Fig Book, then squatted down and started lifting Petunia section by section onto the lowered forks of the Neela forklift. It took some wiggling and shimmying to get the goddess all the way on, but Mosh managed it. He straightened up and put his hands to his lower back.

  “Gonna be sore tomorrow,” Mosh said. Fig offered him Book and he took the teddy bear back. “Thanks.”

  “Are we ready?” Watchdog asked.

  “Ready,” Rage said. “No, wait.” He pulled a pistol from his belt and tossed it to the bot. “You’ll need that.”

  “Thank you,” Watchdog said.

  “That hurt to say, didn’t it?” Rage smirked.

  “I hope you die today,” Watchdog said.

  “The night is young,” Rage replied. He twirled his hand in the air then pointed at the entrance. “Move out!”

  Watchdog, Rage, Fig, and Mosh jogged toward the entrance and out into the corridor, weapons up and at the ready. Then there was a loud crunching noise and everyone turned to see the goddess and the forklift get stuck in the club’s entrance.

  “Hold on,” Neela said and the sound of gears grinding and an engine overheating filled the corridor. Then the wall crumbled on each side of the entrance and the goddess and forklift broke free. “All good.”

  “We sure?” Rage asked. “Nothing else? Anyone need to pee?”

  Fig started to raise his hand then paused and scratched at his cheek as if that was what he intended to do the entire time.

  “Are we backtracking? Or is there a new route?” Rage asked.

  “Backtracking,” Watchdog and Fig said at the same time.

  “Alright then,” Rage said. “Backtracking it is.”

  Thirty-Two

  Getting caught in a crossfire is never anyone’s first tactical choice.

  “I thought we lost the squad? So where the fuck did these guards come from?” Rage shouted as he ducked back from the corner of the fourth corridor they’d made it down. A plasma bolt chipped off a hunk of corner about three inches above his head. “Pinky? Bolt Butt? A little heads up would have been nice!”

  “They have shut off the surveillance feed!” Fig yelled as he sat on the floor between Mosh and the forklift, his knees tucked up to his chest and arms covering his head. “They’d rather run blind than let us see which way to go!”

  “That sucks!” Mosh shouted. He moved out into the corridor, fired his pistols a few times, then moved back behind cover. His chest glowed bright red where the plasma bolts had hit him. The red marks faded and Mosh wiped his brow. “That stings.”

  “How many did you see?” Rage asked.

  “Twenty guards,” Mosh said as he threw his pistol to the side. “I’m out.”

  “Twenty guards?” Rage asked.

  “Or five,” Mosh said. “I didn’t finish counting.”

  “Three are left,” Watchdog said. “They can shut off surveillance, but they cannot block my scanners.”

  Watchdog fiddled with his pistol then tossed it to Mosh.

  “What’s this for?” Mosh asked. “I don’t want to get shot again.”

  “I loaded the guards’ locations into the auto tracking,” Watchdog said. “Just pull the trigger.”

  Mosh eyed the pistol, eyed Watchdog, then shrugged and stepped back out into the corridor, taking more plasma to his chest. He fired three times and three guards cried out.

&
nbsp; “Hey. It worked,” Mosh said.

  “It worked!” Petunia cried from the forklift.

  “Can we go now?” Neela asked, her voice strained in the comms. “This chick is heavy.”

  “Petunia like to eat!” Petunia shouted and clapped her hands together. “Food! Food! Food!”

  Rage led the team around the corner and through the blanket of guard corpses that filled the next corridor.

  “What do you think she eats?” Rage wondered out loud. “What do goddesses eat?”

  Loud crunching and slurping filled the corridor and Rage glanced over his shoulder.

  “Oh. Okay. I asked,” Rage said and faced forward again, hoping to get the image of the goddess devouring the guard corpses out of his head soon. “No more goddess curiosity for me, thanks.”

  They reached the end of the corridor and stared at the stairs. Then everyone stared at the forklift. Back to the stairs. Back to the forklift.

  “Figure it out!” Neela shouted, making the team cringe and stick fingers in their ears where their comms were.

  “Bolt Butt? You got a station schematic uploaded into that bot brain of yours?” Rage asked.

  “As a matter of fact, Rage, I do,” Watchdog said. “And I am already searching for an alternate route.”

  “Maintenance lift over there,” Mosh said, using Book’s arm to point to a set of huge double doors across the corridor.

  “I was about to say that,” Watchdog said.

  Rage patted him on the metal shoulder. “Sure you were, Bolt Butt. Sure you were.”

  Rage typed at the controls, but the lift doors wouldn’t open. His shoulders slumped.

  “Bolt Butt? Will you get these open?” Rage asked.

  “Oh, now you need me,” Watchdog said as he walked over to the control panel, popped it free, then stuck a finger inside the tangle of wires and conduits. The doors slid open. “You are welcome.”

  “I know,” Rage said and gestured for Neela to go first.

  The goddess-laden forklift rolled into the lift, pretty much taking up all the space.

  “Suck in the guts, boys,” Rage said and squeezed his bulk to the left of the forklift.