Max Rage: Intergalactic Badass!

by Jake Bible

  Mosh squeezed into the right and Watchdog grabbed onto the back of the forklift. Fig eyed the remaining space and frowned.

  “Uh,” Fig mumbled. “I… That’s a little tight for me.”

  “Get in here or I shoot you,” Rage said. “If I can figure out how to turn around and get my arms free…”

  Fig hesitated then pressed up against the back of the forklift. The doors closed and the lift descended. Soft music played from above and Petunia began to hum. Soon everyone was humming. Except Watchdog.

  “We will be stopping shortly,” Watchdog announced over the hum along. “According to my scanners, there are seventeen guards waiting for us on the deck we need to exit onto. They all have plasma cannons. Not rifles, but cannons.”

  “Any proton cannons?” Mosh asked.

  “Not that I can detect with my scanners,” Watchdog said.

  “Phew,” Mosh replied then switched to Book’s voice. “Petunia? Can you kill the bad men and women that are going to try to shoot me when this lift stops?”

  “Bad men and women try to shoot Book?” Petunia gasped. “Oh no. That is bad.”

  “Hence calling them bad men and women,” Rage muttered.

  “Rage. Shut up,” Neela warned.

  “I’m just saying that our all-powerful goddess is kinda dim,” Rage said.

  “Does dim mean stupid?” Petunia asked.

  No one responded.

  “Does dim mean stupid?” Petunia asked again.

  “Gonna have to field that one yourself, Rage,” Neela said.

  “I, uh, said dim as in…dimtastic,” Rage said. “It’s like fantastic but better. So much better.”

  “Idiot,” Watchdog said.

  “Dimtastic?” Petunia asked. “I like that word. New favorite word!”

  The lift slowed, stopped and the doors opened. All seventeen guards exploded into a fine mist.

  Rage and team covered their mouths and noses as they exited the lift, trying to keep from breathing in the guards. Neela backed the forklift out them turned it around as soon as everyone was out of the way.

  “Dimtastic!” Petunia cheered as the mist floated about her and settled onto her body. She licked her lips. “Tastes like marshmallows!”

  “That way,” Fig said.

  “The surveillance up and going?” Rage asked.

  “No, I just recognize the atrium,” Fig said. “We’re back at the flea market.”

  “Look alive, people,” Rage said. “Gonna be some ticked-off vendors in this atrium that are probably not going to be happy to see us again.”

  The team moved down the corridor and entered the flea market. The buzzing din of commerce stopped instantly and every head turned to regard Rage and the team. More than a few craned to the side to get a look at the forklift. Of the eyes that focused on the forklift, several widened and turned to panic.

  “PETUNIA IS LOOSE!” a woman screeched then threw the scarves she was selling into the air and ran for the opposite side of the atrium. “Run for your lives!”

  “Run for your lives!” Petunia echoed as she clapped. “Petunia is loose! Run for your lives!”

  Half the vendors did just that. They abandoned their tables and sprinted for the nearest exit. Several yanked open sewer grates and dove in, which was unfortunate for them. A couple chose the trash incinerator chutes, which was an even worse choice. Most simply panicked and ran about in confused circles as they started trying to pack their tables up then abandoned the idea only to revisit the idea as they circled back to their bins and tables.

  “Jesus Christ,” Rage muttered as he and the team stared at the chaos. “People suck.”

  A plasma blast nailed him in the left shoulder and he glared down at the smoking hole in his T-shirt.

  “Who did that?” Rage yelled, the wound already healing. “Come on! Who shot me?”

  “Petunia is loose! Petunia is loose!” the goddess cried from the forklift. “He did!”

  Rage looked back at the goddess and she was pointing at a very tall man with a plasma rifle to his shoulder. The man, an ugly human, had a look on his face like he really wanted to take back that shot. Rage blew his chest wide open.

  “Thanks, Petunia,” Rage said.

  “Petunia help!” the goddess replied, throwing her hands up into the air.

  “Rage,” Watchdog said in warning. “Charbeshuns.”

  Rage shifted his focus and studied the atrium. Heading straight for the team was a pack of Charbeshuns. There had to be twenty or thirty of them. They were hard to count because their smoke bodies kept blending together.

  “Smokies!” Petunia cheered.

  “Petunia?” Book asked. “Can you kill the Charbeshuns for us, please?”

  Petunia frowned at the teddy bear and Mosh took a tentative step back.

  “Petunia think smokies fun,” she said. “Smokies worship Petunia.”

  “Is that a no?” Rage asked.

  “Petunia no kill smokies,” Petunia replied and tried to cross her arms over her massive chest, but couldn’t quite reach.

  “Petunia no kill smokies,” Rage said to the rest of the team. “This fight is ours.”

  Rage took a knee and fired into the cloud of Charbeshuns racing at them. Mosh and Watchdog did the same while Fig only cowered back against the forklift.

  The smoke beings were ripped apart, but quickly put themselves back together. Rage snarled in frustration.

  “What’s going on, Bolt Butt? Why aren’t we stopping them?” Rage asked.

  “I do not know,” Watchdog said. “They should be dying. Charbeshuns cannot survive that many plasma hits.”

  “Petunia like smokies,” Petunia said.

  “Shit,” Rage grumbled as he turned to look back at the goddess. “Petunia? I get that you like smokies and all, but the smokies are going to kill us.”

  Petunia only blinked.

  “We don’t want to die,” Rage continued.

  Petunia blinked some more.

  “Dying is bad for mortals like us,” Rage added.

  Petunia kept blinking.

  “Mosh?” Rage said out of the corner of his mouth. “Get Book to make her stop protecting the Charbeshuns.”

  “I don’t think she will,” Mosh said.

  “Try, goddamnit,” Rage snapped.

  Mosh cleared his throat and approached Petunia as Rage stared at the oncoming cloud of angry Charbeshuns.

  “Petunia? Can you please stop the smokies?” Book asked. “Don’t have to harm them. But freezing them in place would be great.”

  “Smokies are funny when they’re mad,” Petunia said. “I like funny mad smokies.”

  “Mosh! Stop asking and start telling!” Rage snapped as the Charbeshuns got closer and closer.

  “Petunia! Stop the smokies!” Book yelled, his squeaky voice cracking and becoming Mosh’s voice at the end of the order.

  Petunia cocked her head. She eyed Mosh and Book for a second. Then Mosh was gone and only Book was held aloft in the air for a split second before the teddy bear fell to the floor, landing in a puddle of liquid metal.

  “Mosh!” Fig yelled.

  “Shit,” Neela said.

  “That didn’t work,” Rage said. “Thoughts? Anyone?”

  “Maybe not order the goddess to kill something she really likes,” Watchdog said.

  “Thanks, Bolt Butt. Helpful as always,” Rage said. “Pinky? Pick up the bear. You’re the new voice.”

  “Give it to me,” Watchdog said. “I can mimic the voice best.”

  Fig picked up the teddy bear, which was dripping in liquid metal, and tossed it to Watchdog.

  Watchdog rolled the bear over and over in his hands then held it up.

  “Petunia?” Watchdog said in Book’s voice. “Will you ask the smokies nicely to not attack us?”

  “Oh, sure,” Petunia said. “You guys are fun too. No one should fight.”

  They all waited in silence. Petunia didn’t say anything.

  “Could you ask them
now?” Book asked as the Charbeshuns grew closer.

  “I did,” Petunia said and pointed at her head then lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “With my mind.”

  “And…?” Rage asked.

  “They said no,” Petunia replied and shrugged. “Petunia win some, Petunia lose some.”

  “You know what?” Rage snarled. “Screw this. Time to punch some smoke!”

  Rage slung his rifle and marched toward the oncoming Charbeshuns. They slowed as he raised his fist and smiled.

  “Who wants a taste of Rage?” Rage shouted and threw a punch as soon as the Charbeshuns were close enough.

  Half the mass of smoke went flying across the flea market aisle. It collided with a table that held nothing but black T-shirts. Rage’s eyes went wide as one of the Charbeshuns broke off and exploded all over the T-shirts.

  “Damnit!” Rage yelled. “I wanted one of those!”

  The rest of the Charbeshuns enveloped Rage as he threw a second punch. He was covered in sentient smoke. But that didn’t stop Rage. When his arms were pinned to his sides, he used the last weapon in his arsenal. He bit down on a hunk of smoke and began to chew.

  “Eat shit!” he yelled around a mouthful of Charbeshun.

  “Oh, I’m gonna be sick,” Fig said and turned to puke.

  Rage swallowed and Watchdog covered his eyes.

  “Huh. Tastes like barbecue,” Rage said as he bit another chunk out of the swirling Charbeshun mass. “Not bad.”

  “Smokies taste good?” Petunia asked.

  Rage grinned. “Like brisket back home on Earth.”

  “Petunia never have brisket,” Petunia said.

  The goddess opened her mouth and began sucking in air. Rage and the Charbeshuns skidded across the floor, Rage’s boots unable to catch purchase on the floor as Petunia continued to suck and suck and suck. As soon as Rage and the Charbeshuns collided with the forklift, after Fig got the hell out of the way fast, the smoke creatures were pried free of Rage’s body and sucked up into Petunia’s mouth like smoky pasta.

  Rage struggled to wipe Charbeshun residue from his clothes. He sighed and gave up after a few swipes.

  “Alright. Everyone good?” Rage asked as Petunia let out a long belch. “Petunia? How you feeling? Was I right about the Charbeshuns?”

  “They delicious,” Petunia said then farted.

  “Oh, God, please kill me,” Neela said.

  Rage stared down at the puddle of liquid metal.

  “Anyone have a coffee can or something? Hate to leave Tin Man like this,” Rage said.

  “I’ll gather him up,” Watchdog responded and moved over to clean up the puddle. He shoveled the liquid metal into a compartment just below his abdomen.

  “Not gonna ask what that compartment is connected to,” Rage said then looked around and pointed to the far side of the atrium. “That way?”

  “That way,” Watchdog said.

  The team moved out.

  Thirty-Three

  They made it two corridors before the wall around them exploded and pirates came roaring through the breach, weapons raised and voices shouting.

  “Rage! Give us the goddess!” Tatti yelled.

  “What? No,” Rage said, staring down the barrels of at least two dozen rifles. “That wasn’t the deal, Tatti. I give the goddess to Lisha and then you steal the goddess from her after I’ve fulfilled my deal. What gives?”

  “New deal!” Tatti yelled.

  Rage waited, but when Tatti didn’t explain herself, he said, “Yeah. Got that part. What’s the new deal exactly?”

  “You give us the goddess and I let you and your team live!” Tatti shouted. “Except for the bot! He belongs to Lisha Peem and deserves to die!”

  “Okay, while I agree with you on general principle about Bolt Butt, he has kind of proven himself to be an okay guy,” Rage said. “Not a great guy or even a good guy, but okay.”

  “And he’s part of the team,” Neela said over the comms.

  Rage shrugged. “That too. He has saved my life a couple times.”

  “A couple?” Watchdog asked.

  “Yeah. A couple,” Rage insisted holding up two fingers. “This many. No more. No less. Well, maybe less.”

  “Three is the magic number!” Petunia cheered, holding up four chubby fingers.

  “Sing it, sister,” Rage said and grimaced at Tatti. “You sure you want the goddess? She’s…a handful. Even for a space vampire.”

  “Don’t like pirates,” Petunia muttered.

  “Ooo, that’s not good to hear,” Rage said. “Trust me.”

  “The goddess called us pirates!” one of the Velpoohians exclaimed. “The goddess is racist!”

  “Bigot goddess!”

  “How rude!”

  “We skipped the buffet on Kisskiss Station for this?”

  “Silence!” Tatti shouted.

  “Silence,” Petunia parroted. “Shhhhh.”

  “The goddess is not racist,” Tatti said. “She simply has not learned our true name.”

  “Velpoohians,” Petunia said. “You have poo in your name.”

  “Yeah, she knows your true name,” Rage said. “Hers is Petunia.”

  “PETUNIA!” Petunia shouted and slapped her chest, making the forklift rock from side to side.

  “Christ, can we hurry this along?” Neela asked. “I’m dying here.”

  “You fool!” Tatti exclaimed, a smile on her face. “You told us her true name!”

  “Yep,” Rage said, nodding.

  “Now we can control her!” Tatti shouted.

  “It’s not that cut and dried, so good luck with that,” Rage said. He slowly slung his rifle then stepped to the side and leaned against the part of the corridor’s wall that wasn’t blown open. “Seriously. Have at it. Control away.”

  Tatti started to move forward. Then she paused and eyed Rage.

  “This is a trick,” she said.

  “Nope,” Rage replied. “You have her true name. I’m not going to stop you from trying to use it.”

  “He said trying,” a pirate called.

  “Disclaimer word!” another pirate yelled.

  “Can you all stop shouting, please?” Fig asked, his hands to his head. “I have a horrible migraine after breathing in some of the guards back there.”

  “Pinky’s got a horrible migraine,” Rage said. “Keep it down, y’all.”

  “He has a horrible… What is going on?” Tatti asked. “The way you are acting in the presence of the goddess is absurd.”

  “Oh, you nailed it there,” Rage said and pointed at Watchdog’s crotch. “One of our team is a puddle of metal inside Bolt Butt’s bathing suit area. Doesn’t get more absurd than that.” Then Rage pointed at a pirate a couple rows back. The guy was wearing a prairie bonnet. “Except that guy. Bold fashion choice, buddy. Maybe think it through a little more next time you leave the ship, though.”

  The guy reluctantly took his bonnet off as other pirates nodded in agreement.

  “Tatti?” Rage asked. “You gonna exercise that control now or what?”

  Tatti glared at Rage then focused on Petunia.

  “If I try to take control of you, what will happen?” Tatti asked.

  “Good move,” Rage said.

  “I’ll kill you and maybe eat you then get gas and burp and certainly fart and the forklift hates when I fart on her even though she’s not a forklift for reals and then you will all be dead and my seat will be stinky and we still have a lot of station to go through before we reach the ship called the Hourglass where a slut is waiting for me,” Petunia said all in one breath.

  “I don’t know if you needed to go for the slut-shaming there, but pretty spot on otherwise,” Rage said. “Tatti? Thoughts or comments on what Petunia just said?”

  “Perhaps we should go back to the original deal,” Tatti said and lowered her rifle.

  “Now that’s smart thinking,” Rage said. “Want to walk with us? We could probably use the company. Right, Bolt B
utt?”

  “The next atrium is filled with station guards,” Watchdog said.

  “You’d be a big help,” Rage said to Tatti.

  “You have a goddess. Why do you need our help?” Tatti asked.

  “Petunia? If I ask you to help kill the guards in the next atrium, will you do it?” Rage asked, still focused on Tatti.

  “Nope,” Petunia said.

  “And if Book asks?” Rage continued. Tatti frowned. Rage gave her a “go with it” look. “Petunia?”

  “I like Book, but he’s not real,” Petunia said. “I figured that out.”

  “She figured that out,” Rage stated. “So, Petunia, are you saying we’re on our own?”

  “We all on our own,” Petunia said, wistfully. “Oh, lost are we all!”

  Rage glanced over his shoulder at the goddess, raised an eyebrow, then looked back at Tatti.

  “Okay… No idea what that means, but I think you get the picture,” Rage said.

  “There but for the glory of a goddess, go we,” Fig said.

  “Sure,” Rage said. “Now, how about we cut this emo party short and go kill some guards? Anyone?”

  “We shall help,” Tatti said. Quite a few of the pirates began to argue, but Tatti held up a fist and they shut up fast. “Then we get the goddess for our own when this is all over.”

  “I wonder what pirates taste like?” Petunia muttered to herself.

  “What did she say?” Tatti asked.

  “Huh? Didn’t hear a thing,” Rage replied.

  “We need to move. Now,” Watchdog said. “There are more and more guards filling the atrium as you stand there jabbering like idiot monkeys.”

  “Monkeys!” Petunia cheered and clapped. One of the pirates exploded. “Ooops. Sorry, pirate person guy!”

  “She does that,” Rage said and pulled his rifle from his back once more. “Now, I’m gonna go shoot the shit out of some assholes. Team? On me.”

  Rage marched through the pirates. They easily parted for him and let the team and the forklift pass by. Then all pirate eyes fell on Tatti. She shook her head and fell in step behind the forklift. The rest of the pirates did the same.

  Before they reached the atrium, Rage leaned close to Watchdog and asked, “Does your lady know what she’s getting herself into? She’s getting a handful of trouble with this goddess.”