Max Rage: Intergalactic Badass!

by Jake Bible

“My lady always knows what she is getting into,” Watchdog said. “She never makes a move without understanding the next ten moves that must be made afterward. Petunia is a force of nature, but so is my lady.”

  “If you say so, Bolt Butt,” Rage replied. “Because if Lisha gets cocky for just one second, it’s gonna be poof time.”

  “Poof time!” Petunia yelled. A pirate screamed before becoming mist.

  “And my point is made,” Rage said and hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “The goddess don’t miss much.”

  They reached the next atrium’s entryway and stopped. The space was filled with nothing but station guards. And standing at the front was Mike. He hiked his pants up over his belly and stepped forward, a hand raised.

  “That’s as far as you go, Rage,” Mike said.

  “Hey there, Mikey,” Rage replied. “What’s the problem?”

  “This was supposed to be an easy extraction,” Mike said. “But you have cocked it up so much that my bosses are talking about taking away my vacation days. I can ignore you rejecting my wife’s brownies, which was so rude, by the way, but I need my vacation days, Rage. And no matter how much your boss tries to bribe me, money does zero good if I don’t have vacation days left to enjoy the money!”

  “Sorry about that, Mikey,” Rage said.

  “Do not call me Mikey,” Mike replied.

  “Fine,” Rage said. “Sorry about that, Holly.”

  Mike blinked. “What? Did you call me Holly?”

  Watchdog groaned. “Why do you have to do this?”

  “When you’ve fought and killed as much as I have, you gotta have fun sometimes,” Rage said. “Right, Holly? Gotta have fun sometimes? That’s why you want your vacation days.”

  “I, uh… Don’t call me Holly, either,” Mike replied.

  “Holly,” Petunia said.

  Fig snickered then stopped. “Sorry.”

  “Alright, Miiiiiiiike,” Rage said, drawing out the man’s real name. “How do we avoid everyone getting shot to death? I mean, odds are I’ll heal up fine since that’s what I do. But your guards probably won’t make it. You probably won’t make it. Pinky back there is certainly gonna kick the bucket.”

  “Hey!” Fig cried.

  “Then there are the pirates to think of,” Rage continued.

  “Racist!”

  “Bigot!’

  “Big meanie jerkhead!”

  “Big meanie jerkhead!” Petunia echoed.

  “After the shit you’ve been talking about them, they aren’t going to just let you kill us,” Rage said and turned to face the pirates. “Oh, you guys should have heard what he said about Velpoohians when we first landed. Horrible, awful stuff. Stuff I can’t even repeat without growing sick.”

  “What’d he say?” Fig asked. Rage glared at Fig until the plastic man lowered his eyes. “Oh, yeah…uh, horrible stuff.”

  “Exactly,” Rage said and continued to stare at Fig for a few seconds before turning his attention back on the pirates. “Let just say that the words ‘nibble clits’ were used.”

  The pirates looked confused.

  “That’s a bad thing,” Rage explained.

  “What?”

  “How dare he?”

  “His mom is a nibble clit!”

  Several of the pirates gasped.

  “Too far?”

  “A little.”

  “Words have power, dude.”

  “There ya have it, Mike,” Rage said and turned back to the head of security. “Out of the mouths of Velpoohians. Words have power.”

  Mike pondered Rage’s bullshit then shook his head.

  “No. Shoot them all dead!” he ordered.

  “I was sort of hoping you’d say that,” Rage said.

  “Food fight!” Petunia shouted.

  Plasma flew in every direction as Rage and Watchdog, Mike and his guards, as well as the pirates, all opened fire and raced at each other.

  Men and women and non-binary beings screamed and fell. Bodies were torn apart, limbs hacked off, heads severed, and hair pulled. The melee was brutal, cruel, and quite messy.

  Rage jammed the barrel of his rifle into the open screaming maw of a four-foot-tall Clickelack that reminded Rage of Grup. He got a little homesick as he pulled the trigger and obliterated the alien’s head. But he moved past the feeling and did the same thing to the human woman standing behind the Clickelack.

  Watchdog had transformed his fingers into slashing blades when his pistol died. He was slicing and dicing his way through the guards, cutting a wide path.

  “Neela!” Rage yelled. “Stay tight!”

  “I’m on your six!” Neela said. “Just keep moving and I’ll be right behind!”

  “Food fight! Food fight! Food fight!” Petunia cried as she was splattered with blood and offal from the battle. “Oooo, fingers!”

  She gobbled up the digits then farted loud enough for everyone to hear over the roar of violence.

  “Clear faster!” Neela yelled. “Dear God, please…”

  Watchdog picked up speed and mowed down the guards. Rage was right behind the bot, taking out anyone that tried to encroach on the impromptu aisle Watchdog was making.

  “Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” Fig whimpered as he crawled up onto the forklift, cringing from the horror happening around him. “This is too much!”

  “Book make you feel better,” Petunia said and patted Fig on the head. “Give Book hug.”

  Fig looked at the teddy bear then slowly hugged it. “Huh. That does feel better.”

  “Yes,” Petunia said then yanked the teddy bear out of Fig’s grip. “Too much hugging. Give to me. Book mine.”

  “Sure. Right. Of course, your, uh, goddessness,” Fig said.

  “Rage!” Watchdog called out. “Thoughts?”

  “On what, Bolt Butt?” Rage asked as he put a fist through the ribcage of a guard. His hand got stuck and he tried to shake the corpse free, but it wouldn’t budge. “Damnit! Kind of occupied, Bolt Butt. What’s up?”

  “That!” Watchdog shouted as a large proton cannon was wheeled through the far entryway and into the atrium. “You think that can hurt the goddess?”

  “It’s gonna hurt the fuck out of us if we don’t get out of the fucking way!” Rage yelled. “DUCK!”

  Mike ordered the proton cannon to fire and every single being in the blast’s way was obliterated down to their atoms. Guards, pirates, everything. Gone. Except Petunia, Fig, and the Neela forklift. The proton blast stopped dead as it hit them and dissipated into nothing.

  Those out of the line of fire stopped fighting and stared at the cannon. Then everyone looked at Mike who was smiling.

  “I’ll shoot you all, if I have to!” Mike roared. “No one is taking my vacation days!”

  The guards blinked a few times then shrugged and got back to fighting the pirates.

  The proton cannon fired again, wiping out half the Velpoohians. The rest scrambled to the sides of the atrium. The guards running the proton cannon started working the controls to turn the killing machine, but it was a bit cumbersome and didn’t pivot as fast as it should have.

  “Go, go, go!” Rage ordered as he ran in a hunkered down crouch toward the proton cannon. “Neela! Put it in high gear!”

  “High gear would slow the forklift down,” Fig said. “It needs to start in low gear then—”

  “Shut the fuck up, Pinky!” Rage yelled.

  Watchdog was the first to reach the proton cannon. The bot leapt up on top of it and began to cut away at the massive metal barrel. Some guards shouted up at him, but Rage shut them up by tearing off their heads.

  “Don’t destroy it! Overload it!” Rage shouted up at Watchdog.

  “Do you know what an overloaded proton cannon can do to this station?” Watchdog shouted back.

  “Got a pretty good fucking idea!” Rage said. “Overload it, Bolt Butt! We’re almost to the landing pad!”

  Watchdog shrugged and got to work then jumped down next to Rage.

  “We h
ave about two hours,” Watchdog said.

  “Two hours? What’s the point of overloading the damn thing?” Rage asked.

  “A lot for everyone still on this station in two hours,” Watchdog said.

  “Whatever,” Rage responded. A plasma blast nailed Rage in the side. “Hey! Fuck off!” He turned and shot the guard that had shot him. “Dick.”

  “I can’t get by the cannon!” Neela shouted.

  “Petunia move!” the goddess yelled.

  The proton cannon was flung sideways, wiping out two-thirds of the fighters regardless of their affiliation.

  “Nice,” Rage said and jogged through the atrium’s wide-open entryway. “Let’s get to the ship and get the fuck off this station!”

  Thirty-Four

  There were quite a few guards that tried to stop Rage and company on their way to the landing pad. They were less than successful in their efforts. The forklift rolled over the corpses as Rage led the team to the landing pad and the waiting Hourglass.

  The landing pad’s port doors opened wide and Rage was never more glad to see a ship already fired up and ready to launch.

  “Take the goddess around to the rear hatch,” Rage ordered. “Let’s get her onboard and get us off this fucking station now.”

  “Belay that order,” Lisha said as she stood at the top of the side hatch steps. She was dressed in an elegant gown and had her hair up in a nice twist. “Neela? Is that you, darling?”

  “Yeah,” Neela said, grunting as she struggled to keep moving.

  “How fun,” Lisha said.

  “Fun!” Petunia echoed.

  “Please drop the goddess right there, Neela,” Lisha said, pointing to a spot next to the ship’s side, not behind.

  “You sure? She’s really heavy,” Neela said. “Gonna be hard to move her back to the ramp and get her aboard.”

  “Oh, I am quite sure as to where I need the goddess placed,” Lisha said.

  “Petunia fall now!” Petunia cried as Neela dumped the goddess and quickly shifted back to her preferred form.

  “You okay?” Rage asked, helping Neela to her feet.

  “I will be later,” Neela said, leaning on Rage as she gasped for air. “Jesus Christ. Anyone ever asks me to shift into a forklift again and I’ll tell them to go fuck themselves so fast their heads will spin.”

  “Heads spin!” Petunia yelled.

  “No!” Rage snapped then calmed himself. “Please, no, Petunia. No head spinning.”

  “Okay,” Petunia said in a sad voice.

  “Can we go now?” Fig asked.

  “Yes, my lady,” Watchdog said. “There will be more guards approaching. I am sensing quite a mass of them heading this way.”

  “What?” Lisha replied, her attention on the obese goddess. “Leave? Yes. Perfect idea.”

  She tapped at her wrist and a long tube flew out of the side of the ship and embedded itself in Petunia’s skull. The goddess screeched then her eyes went slack and she began to drool. A lot. The drool quickly pooled all around the goddess’s body.

  “Jesus shit!” Rage exclaimed. “What the fuck, Lisha?”

  “What?” Lisha asked and looked back over her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

  “What are you doing?” Rage asked. “I thought you wanted her for her power.”

  “I do,” Lisha replied. “Gods and goddesses are the best ship fuel in existence. And I need fuel to keep me ahead of the entity at the edge of the universe, and that’s what really matters. I should be able to pump enough energy from this fat bitch to power the Hourglass for a century or more.”

  “Why?” Neela exclaimed.

  “Because I hate pumping gas,” Lisha replied as if there was no other answer.

  “That’s what bots are for,” Rage said. Neela glared at him. “I mean, it’s wrong to kill Petunia!”

  “Wrong? Please, Max,” Lisha said. “What do you know about right and wrong? You’ve murdered more beings than anyone else in the galaxy. Are you seriously saying that every death was right?”

  “Actually,” Fig said. “I believe there is a guy being held in solitary confinement on the Gorfo prison moon that has killed about a dozen more people than Rage has.”

  “Really?” Rage asked. “Only a dozen more kills and I’ll have the record?”

  “Not the point, Rage,” Neela said. “Fig? Shut the fuck up.”

  “Max, Max, Max,” Lisha said. “I know we had a good time and all, but you cannot really expect to understand someone of my class and status. You’re a failed soldier and loser of a bouncer. You’re space trash, Max. I’m galactic royalty. Minus the crown.” She placed a finger to her chin. “Watchdog? Make a note that I need to get a crown. Nothing garish. Something small and tasteful, but easily noticed when I walk into a room.”

  “No,” Watchdog said.

  Lisha’s eyes went wide. Neela’s eyes went wide. Fig’s eyes went wide. Rage’s eyes went wide. Petunia’s eyes were sucked into her head as the tube continued to drain her.

  “Did you say no to me, Watchdog?” Lisha asked.

  “Yes, my lady,” Watchdog said and gave a short bow.

  “You cannot say no to me,” Lisha said. “It’s against your programming.”

  “I’ve learned a lot about programming of late, my lady,” Watchdog said. “Surprisingly by observing Rage here. I have decided that the programming you installed in me is not compatible with how I want to live my life. I politely decline your request to find you a crown.”

  “Dude, it was just a crown,” Rage said. “You gonna throw away your whole life because of that?”

  “The crown is a metaphor, Rage,” Neela said.

  “Oh. Right. I knew that,” Rage said. “You go, Bolt Butt.”

  “Then I suppose you will not kill Max and the others if I order you to do that,” Lisha said, sounding bored.

  “I’m afraid not, my lady. I have deactivated the explosive in Rage’s arm already,” Watchdog said.

  “Whoa. Totally forgot about that,” Rage said and jammed a finger down into his bicep and yanked the tiny capsule out. He threw it across the landing pad. “Ow. Thanks, Bolt Butt.”

  “I would still like to serve you in other capacities, if I may,” Watchdog said to Lisha, ignoring Rage.

  “You’re talking sex, aren’t you?” Rage said and elbowed Watchdog. “There he is. Little horndog.” Rage’s eyes widened and held up a finger. “Hornwatchdog!”

  “I am afraid our relationship cannot continue, Watchdog,” Lisha said. “I demand perfect loyalty from my bots. You are fired.”

  “Ouch,” Rage said and patted Watchdog on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Bolt Butt, pretty sure Crater Ray’s needs a new dishwasher. How many pots and pans can you fit in that belly of yours?”

  “No, you misunderstand, Max,” Lisha said and tapped at her wrist. “When I fire someone, I fire them permanently.”

  “Okay,” Rage said.

  Watchdog froze solid and began to make a whining noise.

  “Rage…” Neela said and tugged at Rage’s arm. “Move us away from the bot.”

  “Hold on,” Rage said. “Lisha is trying to bitchsplain to me how getting fired works. I want to hear this since I am very aware of how getting fired works.”

  “You are an idiot,” Lisha said then stepped inside her ship. “Have fun dying, Max. Sorry we couldn’t work things out.”

  The hatch closed and Rage flipped off the Hourglass.

  “Work things out? You just told your bot to kill me!” Rage yelled. “Bitch. Hey, Bolt Butt, you want that dishwasher job? Because all I have to do is put in a good word with—”

  Watchdog exploded, sending Rage and Neela flying across the landing pad. They slammed into the force shield and fell to the floor in a heap of blood and smoking clothes.

  “Shit,” Rage said as he struggled up onto his feet. “That sucked.”

  He looked out over at the remains of Watchdog. There were only a couple bolts left and a small puddle of liquid metal. Rage sighe
d and shook his head.

  “I never should have let that woman sleep with me,” Rage said.

  “A little help?” Neela asked.

  Rage looked down and grimaced.

  “Yikes,” he said as he regarded the pretzel form Neela was in. “Where do you start and where do you end?”

  A hand formed and reached up. Rage grabbed the hand and yanked Neela to her quickly reformed feet. She nodded and wiped dust and bits of Watchdog off her clothes.

  “I like how you worded that she slept with you and not the other way around,” Neela said.

  “No one gets Rage for free,” Rage said.

  “That doesn’t make any sense,” Neela said. Then she gasped as she looked out at the landing pad. “Fig!”

  She ran to the plastic man as he laid on the pad, the lower half his body a good two meters away from the top half. She crouched and cradled Fig’s top half.

  “You can grow back, right?” she asked.

  “Sure he can,” Rage said. “Right, Pinky? Here let me help.”

  Rage went and picked up the lower half then stuck it to the upper half. The lower half fell away without connecting.

  “Jesus, Pinky, help me out here, will ya?” Rage said.

  “I…can’t,” Fig whispered. “Not enough energy left… Too much running and fighting…”

  “I don’t know about the fighting part,” Rage said. “Running, yeah, but come on, Pinky, I think you slacked on the fighting, if we’re being honest.”

  “Not now, Rage!” Neela shouted. “Fig? Is there anyone you want us to contact? Anyone special that should know you died bravely?”

  “I… I… I wish I’d learned to parasail,” Fig said then his eyes went blank and his body went slack.

  “Shitty last words,” Rage said.

  There was a loud sucking sound then a screech and pop. Rage turned to see the tube yank free from the husk that was Petunia. The tube coiled back into the Hourglass and was gone as the engines began to whine.

  “Uh,” Rage said and looked up at the energy shield. “We’re not going to want to be standing here when that goes down.”

  Rage grabbed Neela and lifted her up then dragged her over to the landing pad’s port doors. He slammed a fist against the controls and the doors slid open.

  Mike and about twenty guards stood on the other side of the doors.