by Leah Holt
“Good to see ya, sis,” he said, then ruffled my hair just like he used to do when we were kids.
Tyler was two years older than me. He wasn't a perfect brother or son, he got into trouble, he ran with the wrong crowd at times, but I had to give him credit, he always looked out for his little sister.
“Where's the Jill and the kids?” I asked, backing up and bending over to pick up the bags.
Tyler dropped to my side, picking up a few of the heavier bags. “Dad has them out back probably showing them how well new grass took to the soil.” His tone was dry as he made a woo sound and chuckled. “I'm sure she's wishing for me to come out and save her right now.”
“Well aren't you going to? You can't leave her like that.”
“Nope. She's going to have to learn how exit with grace on her own.”
“Real nice.”
Our mother came through the door, stopping short and allowing the bags on her arms to drop instantly. “Tyler!” Throwing out her arms, she embraced him in a strong hug. “You're home,” she said, her words muffled as she buried her face into his shoulder. Taking a step back, she wrapped an arm around each of us and squeezed. “Both my babies are here, I'm so happy.”
Tyler looked down at me, rolling his eyes as he pulled her arm off his neck. “Yes, Mom, this is wonderful, but can we do this visit without you going all emotional on us?”
“No, no you can't. When your kids grow up and move hundreds of miles away, and never come home, and barely call, and don't return messages—you'll know exactly what I feel.”
“I doubt that, I'm ready to kick the boys out now, they're both a pain in the ass.”
“They're ten, Tyler, you have no idea what's coming. Come talk to me when they hit sixteen and find the pot.”
“The pot?” he asked, eyeing her with a smirk on his face.
Waving her hand in the air, she huffed loudly. “You know what I'm talking about. Don't think I was oblivious to you and all your shenanigans as a teenager.” Holding her hand to her chest, her lids lowered. “I was a kid once too, we all were. You'll see what I'm talking about.” Resting her hand on her hip, her lips pulled back into a satisfied grin. “You know I heard that people get it back five times worse than what they did their own parents. If that's the case, you really are screwed.”
Tyler's jaw hung open as his lips drew taut. “Oh come on, I wasn't that bad.”
Glancing at my brother under hooded lids, my mother didn't say a word. Her eyes said it all, the look on her face told Tyler exactly how much stress he had caused her.
“Really? I was that bad, huh?” Frowning, he shrugged his shoulders. “Hm, who knew.”
“Alright, you two take this stuff into the kitchen. I'm going to go find my gran-babies.” Walking off towards the sliding glass doors that led into the backyard, she kept talking. “You know where it all goes. Some things never change.”
Tyler's eyes connected with mine as we looked down at the hoard of things at our feet.
“You heard her,” I said, “Get to it.”
“Uh uh uh.” Shaking his head, he pointed down at the floor. “You're not getting out of this one.”
“Oh, yeah, says who? You?” Taking a long step to the side, I tried to walk around him, but he blocked me by holding out his arms and putting his large frame in my way.
“I don't think so, Toad.”
“Don't call me that,” I snapped, cocking my head into my shoulder. “You know how I feel about it.”
“Then don't ask for it. Grab some bags, let's go.”
Hanging my head, I turned back around. “Fine, you win this time, but don't get used to it.”
“It's too late for that, I'm already use to winning.” Chucking, Tyler headed into the kitchen and started putting away groceries.
I felt like I had stepped back in time, as if we were teenagers again, bickering about a household chore neither one of us wanted to do.
“Aunt Gwen!” both boys yelled in unison as they ran into the kitchen.
Grabbing them both, I tugged them into my arms and gave them a big hug. “Hey guys, look how big you both got since the last time I saw you.”
Max and Jax or the Axe's as my father liked to call them. Tyler and his wife were floored when they found out they were having twins. They hadn't been dating long, Tyler was only twenty, Jill was nineteen. They were both far too young to be parents when it happened.
But those boys changed my brother, they gave him direction in his life. If he hadn't met Jill and fallen in love, if she hadn't gotten pregnant, my brother wouldn't be the amazing man he had become.
“So, how's New York?” Tyler asked as he pushed the canned olives into the cupboard.
“It's crazy, totally different than this place that's for sure.” Opening the fridge, I started putting away the milk and other cold items.
“And?”
“And what?”
“I don't know, but there has to be more.” Giving me curious look, he turned away as he spoke, not looking me in the eyes. “Is there anyone I need to meet? Maybe give the big brother speech too?”
Oh god. . . Is he trying to ask me about my love life?
Giggling, I laid my arms over the top of the fridge door, and stared at the back of his head. “If you're asking me if I'm dating anyone, the answer is no. I hardly have time for myself, I don't have time for someone else too.”
“Are you sure?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Tyler?”
Twisting around, he leaned against the counter. “I don't want to be that person, Gwen, but you know how it is around here. Most rumors aren't true, but some of them are.”
Dropping my head back, I looked at the ceiling. “Are you serious right now? Please tell me you don't believe anything that you've heard?”
“I just needed to ask, that's all.” Holding out his arms, he frowned. “I don't want to see you get hurt again. The thought of you going back to Yuri after what he did. . .” Pausing, he stroked his jaw. “I'd kill him this time.”
The twins were digging around in the bags, pulling out items and setting them on the counter. Max stopped, sitting back on his heels as he looked at his father. “Kill who, Dad?”
“No one, don't worry about.”
Jax popped his head up and glanced between us. “Then why did you say it?”
“It's nothing,” Tyler said, his voice growing annoyed. “How about you two go find grandpa and bother him. He loves it when children bother him, maybe you can go through his war chest and try on his old uniforms?”
The boys whipped their heads to look at each other. I couldn't help but think that the two of them had some weird connection where they could talk telepathically. They did it all the time. Someone would ask them a question, or there would be something that they needed to decide together, and that's what they would do.
They would stare at each other, neither one speaking, and then suddenly, as if they had some type of discussion in private, they would answer at the same exact time, with the same exact answer, using the same exact words or mannerisms.
It was wild.
Simultaneously, both boys turned their attention to Tyler. “Alright,” they said together, climbing to their feet and running off. Their quick heels pounded against the floor, moving up the stairs, and disappearing down the hall to the other side of the house.
Standing in silence, Tyler went to speak, but I stopped him. “Look, I know people are saying things, Mom won't tell me what exactly, but I know enough to imagine. But none of them are true. You should know me better than that.”
“I do, I do know.” Dipping his chin into his chest, he ran his hand through his hair. “I just had to make sure. I don't want to be that person that never asks, I'd be so angry at myself if you needed my help, but you were too afraid to come to me, and I never took the time to ask.”
“Tyler, I appreciate the gesture, but I'm not in trouble, I'm not afraid of Yuri, and I know better than to associate with him anymore
. So you don't have to worry, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, his voice matter of fact, with no hints of uncertainty.
Finishing up in the kitchen, I carried the bag of decorations into the living room where my mother and Jill were sitting and talking.
“All done with the food, all that's left are these.” Holding out the bag, I placed it at my mother's feet. “Hey, Jill.”
Rising to her feet, she stepped in and gave me a hug. “Hey, Gwen, it's good to see you.”
“Yeah, you too. I can't believe how big the boys have gotten. It's wild.”
“Tell me about it, they're both about to pass me in height, I'll be looking up at them in no time.” Sitting back on the couch, she crossed her leg, setting her hands delicately in her lap. “Congrats by the way, Tyler told me you closed a big case recently? What was it with—the Greenier company?”
“I did, yes, and thank you.”
“Maureen!” my father yelled down from upstairs. “You got to come see this!”
“What?” she screamed back, as if the entire floor between them didn't exist.
“Your grandsons, you gotta see them!”
My mother and Jill stood up, both of them following the sound of his voice. Taking advantage of the empty room, I threw myself onto the couch, settling into the cushions.
I could hear laughter coming from upstairs, and I knew I should probably go see what was so funny. But I felt exhausted. I hadn't slept well since I decided to come home for the holiday, just being in this town again had been the only thing on my mind.
It drained me, completely consuming my brain until I couldn't think about anything else. I was surprised I had even been able to function at the firm with the anxiety I felt about this trip.
The weight on my eyes drew my lids down, causing me drift between sleep and consciousness. Every so often, I'd open my eyes, only to have them yanked back down.
Sleep had taken over, my body so emotionally tired that exhaustion had won.
I could hear voices around me, some were soft and some were loud. Opening my eyes, I looked out the window to see that the daylight was gone and night had taken over.
Pushing myself up on the couch, I looked into the dining room and saw everyone sitting around the table, all of them stringing popcorn onto thread.
Rubbing my eyes, I threw my legs off the couch and sat with my head in my hands, trying to wake up.
“Look who finally decided to get up.” My father was laughing as he threw a piece of popcorn up to catch it in his mouth. “Good evening.”
“Sorry, I must be tired from the jet lag still.” On shaky legs, I stood up and walked to the table. “What are you guys doing?” I asked, pulling out a seat and sitting down.
“What does it look like, Einstein?” Tyler asked, pushing a dull needled through a popcorn kernel.
“Ha ha.” Pulling a bowl towards me, I grabbed a handful and started munching on it.
Slapping my hand, my mother gave me an angry look. “No more, this is for the tree.”
“Man, I haven't done this in ages.” Reaching out, I picked up the end of Jax's strand. “You did a lot already.”
“You would have had the chance to if you ever came home for Christmas after you moved.” My mother didn't look at me as she said it, simply stringing popcorn with a serious expression on her face.
Another jab.
“Can I help?” I asked, looking around the table.
“Of course you can.” Passing me a bowl, my mother cut me a long piece of thread and handed me a needle. “You were always the one who insisted we do this every year.”
“Yeah, this was always your fault.” my brother winked at me, giving me a little grin.
“Don't you start, this is supposed to be fun.”
“Grandma,” Max said, his eyes extremely serious for a kid his age. “You're his mother, why don't you just ground him like Mom does to us?”
Everyone at the table busted out in laughter as Max and Jax sat there completely oblivious to why it was funny.
“What? Why is that funny? I'm right, she is his mom.”
My father tugged him in for a hug, ruffling his hair. “You are right, Max, but it doesn't really work that way when you become an adult.”
“I want to be an adult then.”
“No you don't. Trust me, being an adult is no fun.” Patting his back, my father laughed.
And as I sat there, just watching my family, the different generations of us all stringing popcorn until our fingers were red and there was no more thread, I realized how much I had been missing out on.
I missed my nephews and watching them grow up. I missed my brother and the relationship we could have had if I had stuck around a little bit longer.
Yes, Tyler moved away too, but not until last year, and that was only because his job transferred him.
But he still took the time to come and visit twice a year, once in the summer and once at Christmas. I had made no effort at all.
I ran from this town because of Yuri.
And that caused me to run from my family.
I was a fucking idiot.
Chapter Five
Yuri
I caught a glimpse of her in town. A fleeting glimpse that lasted only seconds. But it was enough to drum up everything we had once felt for each other.
She was in her mother's car, driving away from Clark's. I was tempted to stroll up to her window and say hello, but I stopped myself. A lump had formed in the back of my throat, filled with a million words I had wanted to say to her over the years.
I wrote her a letter last year, only to crumple it up and throw it in the trash. I called her mother's house once, ready to confess everything and beg her to give me Gwen's number, but I hung up before anyone answered.
Why is this so hard?
Because she hates me.
Driving back to my mother's, I walked in the house, carrying the bag of light bulbs and the extension cord she needed.
“Here you go,” I said, handing it over to her.
Taking it from my hands, she opened it up and looked inside. “Change?” she asked, talking into the bag. She had barely looked me in the eyes since I got there.
When she spoke to me it felt like she was talking to a stranger. She was so removed from the role of her being my mother and me being her son.
Pulling her change from my pocket, I dropped it into the bag. “Here.”
Cocking her head up, she arched a brow. “Excuse me?”
“There's your change, right in the bag for you now.” Lowering my tone, I gave her an angry look. “Jesus, Mom, you don't need to treat me like I'm an asshole.”
“Then how should I treat you?” Keeping her eyes firmly on mine, she threw her hand to her hip as she straightened her back. “After everything that happened—you run off, you don't tell me where you are, you hardly call, and then you show up out of nowhere and expect me to act like I'm happy?”
“No, but you could show me a little compassion.”
Didn't I deserve that at least?
If nothing else, you would hope that the one person in the world who was supposed to love you unconditionally, would be the one person who would be willing to listen. She stopped listening after the police informed her of what I had done.
“Compassion?” she said, her tone high and full of disbelief. “Don't you talk to me about compassion.”
Hanging my head, I ran my hand across my jaw as I peered down at her. “I'm not doing this right now, I just got here. I didn't come here to cause any trouble, I just wanted to see my family is all.”
“Family? You ruined our family.”
“Can't you let it go? I did my time, I paid my dues, I don't need you reminding me of that shit anymore. Why do you think I left to begin with?”
Veering her stare, her eyes turned to slits. “Are you putting this on me right now? Are you seriously putting this on me?”
“I didn't mean it that way. But you can't blame me for everything.”
/>
“Then who should I blame? Your brother? I should blame your brother who was sixteen at the time? I should put all the blame on a boy and not the man who was there?”
“I'm not doing this right now,” I barked, throwing my hand up and stalking away from her. Letting my voice trail off, I spoke under my breath. “Maybe coming back was a mistake. . .”
“There's no maybe, you're right, it was.”
That one hurt.
I wasn't a man who got hurt easily, especially not after spending a few years in prison. But that was a long time ago, I thought by now she would have been ready to move past it and have her son back. It was a stupid thought really, she was never going to forgive me for any of it.
She'll never believe the truth.
Heading out the door, I climbed in my car and sped off. I didn't have to stay with her, I could crash in a hotel or sleep in my car, but deep inside I wanted to go home. I missed this place, it just wasn't the same after they released me.
People looked at me as if I was a disease. They would cross the street if I was walking, just to not have to pass me. Women would clutch their purses and men would double check their wallets.
Even after all this time, I could still feel people staring at me when I was in town today. It sucked.
That was one of the reasons why I moved away. It had nothing to do with wanting to run, it had everything to do with wanting a fresh start.
I would never get that there. The town was too small, people talked too much, and no one would ever see me as anything other than a criminal.
Rolling to a stop, I could see the house across the street. Putting the car into park, I shut off the lights and sat in the dark. I could see figures moving across the lit windows, and I tried to pick out which one was probably her.
God I miss her.
It was hard to admit, but I never stopped loving Gwen. She had been in my mind every day since that horrible night. And I hadn't been able to forgive myself for hurting her.
I never should have gotten involved.
The front door opened and a shadowed figure stepped outside. Moving across the yard, under the dim light of the outside bulb, I watched the silhouette bend and twist in front of the bushes.
