Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  “Nah.” Chad glanced over at him. “The more help I can get with this the better.”

  “There are some markings at the sides of his head and his temples. I found the same markings on his chest, one over his heart.”

  “I was looking at those, too. It made no sense asking him about them because—well, he wouldn’t remember.”

  “Yes, but I think I know what they are.”

  “Really? What?”

  “Electroshock therapy.”

  “That can’t be right.” Chad said, pulling the burgers off and setting them on a large platter. “That was outlawed years ago as cruel and unusual punishment.”

  Surinder nodded. “Yes, legally no one uses it, but there are a few places that still—if you paid them enough money—will.”

  “For what purposes? There’s no proof it causes anything but brain damage—that would explain the lesions. We know they’re recent but not something he was born with. Why would anyone do that?”

  “A few reasons—all of them mental illness or…”

  “Or what?” Chad asked.

  “A cure for homosexuality.”

  Chad suddenly couldn’t breathe. The tongs he held slipped from his fingers to the counter. He gripped down hard to the surface and shook his head. “That’s the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard.”

  “I agree, but it’s no less true. People do this crap to each other all the damn time just because of who they sleep with. Makes me really mad.”

  “John’s not gay.”

  Surinder tilted his head. “And how would you know?”

  “Do you see the way he flirts with Bindi?” Chad asked. “No way he’s into dudes, so it has to be something else.”

  “Right. Then again, he probably doesn’t even know if he’s into men or women. Amnesia can do that to you.”

  “I don’t think so.” Chad shifted. “It’s like which hand to use. It’s built into the workings of your system.”

  Surinder laughed. “Sure, Chad. Whatever you say. Look, I could be wrong and it wasn’t electroshock at all.”

  “But where would the lesions come from?”

  Surinder sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you, my friend. No clue. And the language he first wrote on the notepad? It’s Tamil.”

  “Tamil? As in Sri Lanka?”

  Surinder nodded. “I would test his blood to see if it can tell us geographically where he’s from. They usually use that for bodies if they think it was a dump job, but it is worth a try.”

  “True. Thanks. I’ll have them do that the second I get back in for my shift—I guess now that he’s awake I need his actual permission.”

  Surinder chuckled. “Yes. This is a horrible situation. What if when he finally remembers he wishes he hadn’t?”

  Chad had no answer for that question. He supposed anything would be better that not knowing. He’d want to know his life. How could he want to forget his mother and Eliza?

  The two went back to their boys’ night in. But long after they’d eaten, watched a PVR’ed cricket match and retired to bed, Chad was still preoccupied with John Doe. He ran over what he knew versus what he suspected. Then what he wished he knew versus what he could do without knowing. In the end, the sun was coming up, he hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep, and he had four and a half hours before his shift started.

  While Surinder was there, he pretended he wasn’t miles away. He ensured he was visibly present during their conversations. After a while, Surinder went home, and Chad showered and headed into the hospital early. When he arrived, he found John sitting on the edge of his bed laughing at something Bindi had said. For a while, Chad stood quietly, watching them, seeing the way John leaned toward her, the way he listened intently and the way he laughed at her jokes. No, John wasn’t gay at all. The man didn’t have a gay bone in his body, so why the shock therapy?

  He sighed then cleared his throat. Bindi quickly gathered her clipboard and medication bin and hurried from the space. John smiled at him and took a visible breath.

  “How are you feeling?” Chad asked, walking closer.

  “Okay. I had a little pain in my arm, but I guess that is to be expected. It is still healing from a break.”

  “Yes. We think we know where you’re from, but we’re not sure.”

  John’s eyes lit up. “Where?”

  “Sri Lanka.”

  “I thought you said I was in India.”

  “You are. Look, once we do a blood test on you, we can send the samples to a friend of a friend of mine, and he will try and figure out the geographic location. When you first wrote on that notepad after you came out of your coma, you wrote it in Tamil.”

  John nodded. “Okay. When is the test?”

  “As soon as I get to clock in I will order it. In the meantime, let me have a listen to your chest.”

  Chad began his examination of John by listening to his heart through the stethoscope. He then checked John’s eyes carefully, down his throat, then turned his attention to the healing cuts and scrapes on John’s face and neck. Once he was finished, John lay back against the pillows.

  “So? What do you think, doctor? Am I going to live?”

  For a moment Chad panicked. He didn’t see anything that said fatal, so why the question? But then he met John’s eyes and John was smiling. Chad shook his head. “I suppose,” he joked.

  John laughed. “I know the time is coming when I will have to leave. They moved me from the intensive care, and now I know it’s closer and closer to that time.”

  “What will you do?”

  “No clue. Get a job—though I have no idea what I am remotely good at.”

  Chad bowed his head.

  “I had a dream last night—more like a nightmare really.”

  “Really? Tell me about it.”

  John rubbed his palms on his thighs and gave a one shoulder shrug. “I was—um—in bed with someone. I could not see her face, but she was warm and I remember thinking how at peace I was. Then there was this strange tapping sound right before the room was engulfed in flames around us. I could not get her to wake up, and I could not find a way out. It is probably just my frustration of not being able to remember, right?”

  “Right.” Chad sat on the side of the bed. “You weren’t in a fire. All the injuries you came in with were consistent with other signs of attack.”

  “So it is not a memory then?”

  “Afraid not—well, not all of it. Maybe the bed and the woman were memories, but the fire is definitely not. I’ve seen your body, and you have no burns or scarring that would signify a burn.”

  “Damn. I was hoping…”

  “It’s okay. You’re having dreams and nightmares. This is a good sign.”

  John frowned. “How?”

  “It means your brain is firing right, and it wants to start working again. I have a friend who is a psychologist—maybe I could have her come in and talk to you? If you want, that is.”

  “Could I give it another day?” John asked. “I am still trying to figure out what I am going to tackle today. You said one day at a time, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Today I want to figure out where I will be living once I have to leave here.”

  Chad thought about it for a bit. It was probably a mistake, but he had plenty of room at his new house. If he didn’t want to he probably would never see John, especially if he gave him the mother-in-law suite at the back of the property. “Look, John. I have a lot of room at my place. You’re more than welcome to…”

  “I cannot ask you to do that. What if I turn out to be a serial killer or something?”

  “You’re not a serial killer.”

  “But how do you know?”

  Chad chuckled. “I know. Look, you won’t be in my house, if that makes you feel better. I had an additional two bedrooms built on my property for when my family visits and they want their own little space. My sister usually uses it more than my mother, but it’s just sitting there now. It’s not a bother
, I swear.”

  “Doctor…”

  “It’s only until you remember and can go home. And, if you have an emergency, you will have a doctor just steps away.”

  John nodded. “It does make me feel better knowing you—ah—a doctor will be close by. And your family—wife—they would not mind?”

  “I do not have a family yet,” Chad said, deciding to skip the fact that it would be a husband if he was to get married. John might not remember who he was, but hate was heart deep. “Haven’t had time to build one due to medical school and now this place. So, do we have a deal?”

  John nodded and extended a hand, which Chad accepted and shook. “We have a deal. I will try and get myself together quickly.”

  “It’ll come back, John,” Chad said, rising and straightening his coat. “You’ll see.”

  “Patience. I know.”

  Chad nodded. “Well, I should change if I wish to play doctor today. I will be back when I can.”

  “Dr. Holstrom—thank you. I mean that.”

  With a smile and a wink, Chad left the room. While he was off, someone had moved John from the ICU to the general population. Though the floor smelled like disinfectant, the noise pollution alone was horrible. He hurried up a flight of stairs and then down to the doctors’ mess. He changed into a red scrub set, strapped his stethoscope around his neck, then retrieved his pager from his jeans pocket. Making sure he had new gloves in his back pocket, he put his glasses back on and wound his way to work.

  The first thing he did was order the test, then called Surinder to find out where to send it. Once the nurses had their instructions, Chad began making his rounds. After a few hours, things calmed down enough for him to take a short break. With a sandwich and the world’s worst coffee, he braved the elevator to the roof of the building. He usually went up there to sit, eat and watch the lights come on around the city. When he reached his bench, someone was already sitting there, staring out at the city.

  “Hello, mind if I—John.”

  “Hi. I thought I’d escape the chaos in my ward for some peace and quiet.”

  Chad sat. “How did you get up here?”

  “Bindi told me about it earlier when we were talking,” John said.

  “I see.” He picked up a half of his sandwich and handed it to John. “Roasted salmon.”

  John hesitated but then smiled and accepted it. Chad watched him until after John bit into the half of sandwich before taking a bite himself. “It is peaceful up here. I venture up here to hide when the world is being a jerk.”

  “I can see why. I have to admit, I was hoping something would spark my memory.”

  “And?”

  “Nothing. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” Chad said. “How’s your arm? Are the pain meds working?”

  “I only took one today,” John said. “I have not felt the need for another. And I know, I should not skip doses—Bindi gave me the same lecture. But I do not know what kind of man I am—I do not wish to become dependent.”

  “It’s fine. If you are not in pain then I will have to look into scaling back your medication. This is a good sign.”

  “I am in pain—just not physically.”

  Silence.

  “I keep wondering what kind of man I am,” John said. “Did I do something to deserve what happened to me? Was I cruel to others, my family? Was I a husband, and if so did I beat my wife? I must have done something to deserve what happened to me.”

  “No, not really. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Don’t speculate until we can find out more.”

  John nodded, but somehow Chad knew his words gave the man little comfort.

  “I was thinking of what I could do to repay you for your kindness.”

  “John…”

  “I do not have much as you can see, but I am sure I can do something.”

  “You have a broken arm. Let’s focus on that getting healed first. Once we have that under control, we’ll visit this again, deal?”

  John’s dark eyes bored into him. Chad wondered what was happening inside his head but didn’t ask. Instead, he shoved the last of his sandwich into his mouth and took a sip from his coffee. They sat together as darkness deepened over Jaipur. The faint smell of spices and the world wafted up to them from the streets below. The heat was something else, but neither man complained or even mentioned it.

  “I wonder if I have a wife,” John whispered. “If I do, is she going mad with my absence or has she moved on?”

  “Moved on?” Chad asked. “I doubt it. Too soon.”

  “I guess. Your friend that you said could speak with me—I think I would like that. Maybe she can knock something loose.”

  Chad nodded. “I’ll call her as soon as I return to my duties.”

  “Thank you.”

  Chad smiled tightly and rose. He gathered his sandwich wrapper and coffee and stood beside John a moment longer. A procession was passing along the street below. He didn’t see them yet, but he could hear the drums, tambourines, and whistles. Chad guessed it to be a wedding. They were always the loudest. After a minute, it was confirmed. A man rode an elephant at the front of the charge, and people were dancing along behind him. Chad watched it, wondering if he’d decided to marry Merrick would they have had something like that.

  “I’ll see you later,” Chad said.

  “Yes. I should be heading back soon as well.”

  “Very well.” Chad turned on his heels and let himself back into the building. He rode the elevator down wondering where his relationship with Merrick Colefield had gone wrong. They started out strong, and at one point Chad fancied himself in love with the lawyer. But close to the end of medical school, Merrick became distant. Chad was willing to remain in England with his love and work there, but Merrick’s attitude made the relationship unravel faster than Chad ever imagined.

  When Chad suggested they speak with someone, a professional, Merrick agreed and proved his determination to making them work by sleeping with one of the nurses at the hospital where Chad did his residency.

  “He’s a coward,” Eliza had huffed once Chad had brokered enough courage to confess. “A dirty, stinking coward. He wanted to break up, but he didn’t have the balls to say it. He wanted to get caught.”

  “How do you figure?” Chad had asked. “I think all cheaters want to keep their affairs secret. It’s no fun if everyone knows about it.”

  “Why else would he drill some twink in your bed? I mean, he could have used his car, gotten a hotel, gone to the jerk’s place, used his office—but your bed? The bed he shares with you? He knew you could have walked through the door at any time.”

  The door pinged and slid open. Chad shook off the memory of his ex and went about his duties—but not before calling Areema about speaking with John.

  Chapter Four

  It took every bit of strength John had to get off his bed that morning, shower, nibble at something, then make his way to the shrink’s office. He’d avoided Chad by hunching his shoulders and walking in determined strides down the corridor before Chad could finish his talk with a woman at the nurses’ desk.

  John wasn’t even sure why he did that. There was a self consciousness in him when it came to Chad Holstrom that scared and confused him greatly. But when he was finally lying in the doctor’s sofa, John couldn’t seem to focus on one thing. He had so many questions and worries that they all descended on him and threatened to drive him mad. It seemed he kept babbling.

  “John!” Areema called. “I’m going to need you to take a few deep breaths.”

  “Sorry. I cannot seem to shut my brain off, and it is driving me up the wall. I mean, it is not giving me anything useful.”

  “I see. Have you told Dr. Holstrom about this?”

  “No.” John sighed. “He has already done so much for me.”

  “I don’t think he minds. It is his job to make sure you are on the mend.”

  “Physically, not mentally.”

  “One and th
e same.” Areema smiled. “If you are not healthy in your head your body is useless.”

  “I do not see it that way.”

  “Close your eyes for a second,” Dr. Areema Sandhu said softly. She eased forward in her chair and laced her fingers. “Trust me. Let’s try something different, okay?”

  John wasn’t sure what the point of this was. But he exhaled long and hard and did as she suggested. “Okay.”

  “Relax. Take close, deep breaths. Clear your mind.”

  “Is that not why I am here, doctor? Because my mind is clear?”

  He couldn’t see, but he could feel Areema frowning at him. Still, he shifted on the couch and tried doing as she said. He released the tension, and his back melted into the seat. He tried not worrying about what was to become of him, or the people that would probably be missing him, or his broken arm setting perfectly—all of that and more weighed down on him like Atlas’ world.

  “We’re going to try helping you remember that dream from last night.”

  “The one with the bed?”

  “No. The other. You told me you had one last night but you couldn’t remember. Your mind is probably trying to remember and needs a little help.”

  “Okay. I am willing to go on a little faith here.”

  He gave himself over to her words. If he went into this whole mind-bending thing with an open mind, who knows? Maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to recover something that he could give to Chad to see the handsome doctor smile at him again.

  John gasped.

  What the hell?

  He inhaled and threw himself back to Areema’s words. He allowed it to soothe him into clearing his mind of the thoughts he’d been having increasingly of Chad Holstrom. Soon, his mind swam back to the dream of him in bed with his lover. They made love, breath mingling, moans unifying and echoing through John’s head. But when his lover turned, it wasn’t who he thought it would be. Instead, Chad was there, above him, writhing in ecstasy. For a moment, John couldn’t remember seeing anything so absolutely breathtaking. Every muscle in Chad’s body tensed and trembled with his passions. Sweat slicked his dark skin, dripping down clear until they splashed to John’s chest.