Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  John jerked from the seat, snapping his eyes opened. His chest heaved, and Areema fell to her knees beside him. She shook his shoulder gently. John panted, staring into her concern-filled eyes.

  “That … I…”

  “Did you remember something?” she asked, her eyes now hopeful. “Any little thing at all.”

  He couldn’t tell her he was having fantasies about his doctor—about his male doctor. There was no way he could tell her that he’d kissed Chad in his dreams and it was glorious. How could he explain to her that every part of his body was awakened at the very thought of Chad’s muscular body towering over him like Poseidon rising from the waves?

  That would not go over well. That wasn’t normal.

  “No,” he lied. “I felt as if I was falling.” That wasn’t all a lie. He did feel as if he was falling—in love with Dr. Holstrom—a man. He covered his face and shook his head. “I am sorry.”

  “That’s perfectly all right,” Areema said, patting his shoulder. “We will stop here for now and pick up when you come back for your next session. You seem tired.”

  “I am. My head is hurting a little.” John lifted his head to face her. “I cannot—afford this. At least, I do not think I can. That means I cannot keep seeing you.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Dr. Holstrom is a friend of mine, and he seems to think you can come back from this.”

  “That is why I feel often like I am letting him down.”

  Areema shook her head. “There’s no need to feel that way. Chad’s a good man, and he knows how the human mind works. He is not disappointed in you—only if you stop trying.”

  John nodded. “He keeps telling me to be patient. But it is next to impossible to be.”

  “And I get that. But the mind is a fragile and stubborn thing. It will do what it wants when it wants. You just have to learn to give it time.”

  John rubbed his palms to the sides of his face. “I understand.”

  With his session over, he thanked Areema and hurried from her office. As he made his way down the elevator and across the vast courtyard back to the hospital, John wondered why the person in his bed was Chad. They hadn’t slept together. Chad was his doctor. Perhaps it was because Chad was being so good to him—that had to be why. His mind was clamoring for someone to hold onto and Chad was it.

  But even as he snuck by the front desk where Chad was in deep conversation with another doctor, he still didn’t feel any easier on the matter. The nurses brought him food, and he just couldn’t eat. When they took it away, Chad entered and leaned against the doorframe, arms folded across his chest.

  “Are you okay?” Chad asked.

  “Yes.”

  “You haven’t eaten anything.”

  John pressed his lips into a thin line. “I am not feeling particularly hungry. Besides, the food here is horrible.”

  “That’s hospital food for you, my friend. No matter where you go it’s still bad food.”

  John nodded.

  “So, what happened during your meeting with Areema?”

  “She is your friend, Chad. I assume she will tell you.”

  “Yes, she is my friend.” Chad arched a brow but shook his head. “But you are her patient, John. Unless you express a want to hurt yourself or anyone else she cannot divulge what you spoke about to anyone.”

  “Is that right?”

  “Yes.” Chad sighed loudly and walked forward to sit on the side of John’s bed. “She takes that responsibility and that trust extremely seriously. Besides, I’d never put her in that position. It wouldn’t be fair to her or you for that matter.”

  “I see.”

  “You don’t have to tell me what you talked about. This session was so you could have someone else on your team to help in your recovery. If the sessions are not helping then we will stop and try something else.”

  John sighed. “Do you really think they could help?”

  “They won’t hurt.” Chad’s Adam’s apple danced. “The more people you have trying, the better your chances—that’s what I believe anyway.”

  “I had another dream. Only this time I could not remember it. It comes in bits and pieces, sometimes. Dr. Sandhu was trying to help me remember it. But I failed.”

  “Don’t look at it as a failure. It’s a step toward something.”

  “No one has come to find me,” John said sadly. “I have been here long enough for someone to have come for me. I watch other families visit their loved ones and I realized I was not loved.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Why not? It is the truth, is it not?”

  “John, India has over one billion people. Jaipur alone has over two million of those souls. It’s hard to get through all of that.” Chad lifted a hand as if to touch the side of John’s face but let his hand fall back to his lap.

  The disappointment John felt at Chad’s second guessing sent his heart racing. He just knew having Chad’s large hands against his cheek would make his day, would take away all the pain he had in his heart. John didn’t know how he was so confident in that, but his heart told him it would have been glorious.

  “I came to give you the good news. You’ll be discharged tomorrow.”

  “Oh.”

  “I thought you would be excited.”

  “I am. Thank you. I feel really tired.”

  “Okay—um—I’ll go so you can get some sleep.” Chad picked up his guitar from where it’d been sitting in the corner of the room and turned to look at John again. “I’ll see you tomorrow. I am not on shift, but I will come so I can take you home.”

  “Chad, I…”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Nothing.” John said. “I will see you tomorrow.”

  To stress his point, he shifted on the bed so he could settle in and close his eyes. He listened for Chad’s footsteps but they didn’t sound until after a few seconds. When he knew Chad was gone, John opened his eyes again and rolled to his back. Depending on others felt like a burden to him. It was one that threatened to sink him through the bed and into the floor. But he had no memory, no money, no job, no one. Apparently, he was in an ocean of people and he belonged to none of them.

  How could that be? How was that even possible? John had to be the most unloved man in the country. His sadness deepened so much, a sharp pain surged through his chest. John winced and lifted a hand over it. After a moment of holding his breath, the ache passed.

  After Chad left him at the end of shifts, he would spend hours watching the television. Though he couldn’t understand the language, he would look for his picture. His face never splashed across the screen. No matter what channel he was on, there were no signs of him. Each television binge session left him feeling like an alien in his own skin.

  That night the dreams came back. He was with Chad again. But he wasn’t scared. He allowed Chad to hold him, to caress him in places only lovers would. He gave himself to the desires there, for he knew once his eyes opened he would be back amongst a billion people who looked through him and never for him.

  In the land of dreams, he closed his eyes and allowed Chad to make him explode. John cried at the blissful contentment he felt at being cared for, of being touched. When morning came however, guilt washed through him like a monsoon. He curled his body into a ball, being careful not to lie on his arm. He stayed like that until Nurse Bindi brought him some food.

  She stuck around for small talk, and to make her not ask questions, he picked at his food. But all the time he tried feeling something for her. Of course, she was beautiful with round, brown eyes, lush lips, and a face that could launch a thousand ships. He knew she had a nice body under her scrubs, for he’d seen the way her body was outlined each time she bent over or leaned in. But no matter how hard he pushed, her beauty did nothing for him.

  John sighed. “It is good to see you, Bindi, but I must prepare to leave.” He stressed his point by climbing off the bed.

  “Did you need help changing into your clothes? Dr.
Holstrom left some for you while you were sleeping.”

  He cringed at her seeing him naked. “No. I will be fine. I need to learn to do this for myself.”

  “Oh—okay. I will go on my rounds.”

  She left silently, and though he felt bad for hurting her feelings, John needed a moment of silence. That break lasted for nearly an hour, something John was happy for. But soon, Chad was there, sitting on the edge of his bed, waiting for him. John stood by the door, leaned his shoulder into the frame and tilted his head to watch Chad. He was intently reading from a paper folder in his hands, and this gave John a moment to truly look at the doctor without the chaos of the world. Chad was unbelievably good looking, and John felt no shame in silently admitting that. As he mentally traced the lines on Chad’s face, to his shoulders then down to his thighs, John shook his head and cleared his throat.

  “There you are!” Chad looked up closing his folder. “Come sit by me.”

  “Um, okay.” John made his way across the space and took a seat beside Chad. When he did, Chad extended the folder to him.

  “What is this?”

  “Our friend sent the results of your test back,” Chad explained.

  John opened it and read. The first bit made no sense to his brain, but the second paragraph told him implicitly that he was from Negombo, Sri Lanka. Apparently, there was sodium in his blood that came from the ocean as well as a few other markers that told him Negombo was where he’d spent most of his days. “So I am Sri Lankan.”

  “Yeah.”

  “And I am from this Negombo place.”

  “It seems that way.”

  “How did I get to India?”

  “That’s what we’re going to find out.”

  John tilted his head. “We? What are you planning?”

  “Well,” Chad said. “I have vacation time saved out—three months’ worth to be exact. I figured we could fly over there and do some digging.”

  “I cannot ask you to do that,” John said, handing the folder back. “You saved my life, gave me a place to lay my head—I cannot have you spend money to fly me to a place that probably does not want me to begin with.”

  “Don’t you want to find out who you are?” Chad asked.

  “Yes! No! Maybe!” John shook his head. “I really do not know! What if I go back and they…”

  “Then you come back to India with me. John, don’t you want your name back? Your real name? Do you like us calling you John?”

  “Just when you call me John.” He bit his lip, then realized what he’d said and stood. “I do want to find out who I am, but I do not want it this way. I have already inconvenienced you enough.”

  “Okay, then think of it as a favor to me.”

  “How is that?”

  Chad smiled. “I want to make sure when you leave me you have everything. I don’t want to worry that you’re out there struggling because…”

  “That is not fair.”

  “I know. But is it working?”

  John smiled and shook his head. “A little.”

  “Was that a smile?”

  “Maybe.”

  Chad laughed. “Come on. Let’s get you settled, and then I’ll make you some dinner—your first home cooked meal in weeks. How does that sound?”

  “Like heaven.”

  Chapter Five

  Chad stood at the door and watched the way John entered the home cautiously. He remained quiet, giving John time to take everything in. The place wasn’t large, but it was big enough for a family of three. He followed behind John, loving the way John would stop and peer at pictures on the walls, or touch a figurine here or there.

  “This place is beautiful,” John finally said. “Are you sure I can stay here?”

  “Yes. My sister won’t mind, and my mother is traveling right now.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Come, let me show you the bedroom.”

  Chad turned for the stairs without waiting for a reply. He could hear John’s footsteps behind him all the way up then down the hall to the master bedroom. He still had to change the sheets. “Here we are,” Chad said. “I need to change the sheets. It’s been a while since the bed has been used.”

  “I can do that. Just give me the sheets.”

  Chad smiled. “I’ll help.”

  Without another word, they went into changing the sheets from what they were to a set of red, Egyptian cotton. Eliza had given them to him from a business trip to Cairo two years before. Once they were finished, he stood back to watch John lay on his back on the bed.

  “It feels good to be lying on a real bed,” John said, meeting Chad’s eyes.

  Chad smiled. “I’ll leave you for a little.”

  “Are you going to start cooking?”

  “Mhmm.”

  “I will come with you.” John sat up.

  Chad nodded. “Sure.”

  The two walked back across the backyard and into the main house. He made a mental note to go through his closet and find some clothes for John—maybe stuff from his university days. John wasn’t that big of a guy, and over the years Chad had bulked up some. Though he wasn’t sure what to make for dinner, he finally settled on chicken tandoori with white rice and veggies.

  “Are you married?” John asked.

  “No.”

  “I do not see why,” John said, tossing in some spices for the chicken. “You are a good man, Chad Holstrom. I mean, look what you are doing for me. Any woman would be happy to have you.”

  Chad grinned. “I think there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Okay.”

  “I—ah—I wouldn’t be married to a woman.”

  “A man?”

  “Yes. I know it’s probably not something you would approve of. And I can find you a new doctor if you wish to not have me treat you.”

  “Chad?”

  “Hmm?”

  “We do not have to do anything in haste.” John gave a one shoulder shrug. “Somehow I do not think I am the kind to be offended by that. So, you like men. We all should be that lucky to know who we are attracted to. I have no clue.”

  “Well, you’ve been around both men and women. Bindi certainly seem to like you.”

  “Yes. But I feel no attraction to her. Perhaps, it is because I am holding out the hope that I have already been claimed. I do not like the idea knowing there are so many people on this planet and I belong to none of them.”

  “I think you were a romantic guy, John,” Chad said. He lifted the lid on the chicken to stir, then covered it and turned down the stove. “Wanting to be claimed by a lover is a beautiful thing.”

  John grinned. “Were you ever claimed?”

  “Once.”

  “And what happened? He is no longer here or you would not bring home a strange man.”

  “No. I met him during medical school—in England. We were together for quite some time, but he wanted different things. I wanted a home and his loyalty, and he wanted other men and the world.”

  “I am sorry.”

  “It’s been a long time ago. I have learned to deal with the fact that not all men wish to settle down. It’s their prerogative, and I just need to accept that. I refuse to settle for that.”

  “No, you do not. What you need to do is find a man who loves you like you will love him. I am assuming that is what you need.”

  Chad nodded while turning to get plates. He set them on the counter before two of the stools then reached for knives and forks. He handed those to John. “We all need love. But not all of us will find it. And that’s okay.”

  “I really hope you do not believe that.” John rested a hand on his. “For all the good you have done, you will get it back.”

  For a moment, Chad stared down at where their hands were touching. Electricity surged from their connection, up through his veins to his heart. He managed a small smile but couldn’t stop his cock from pulsing in his pants. He pulled his arm away to grab drink glasses.

  As they sat down to eat, Cha
d began plotting over in his head what they would do next. Aside from the nightmares, he didn’t think John remembered anything. Perhaps he would never remember, and that would, no doubt, break the man’s heart. Chad sighed and glanced over at John, who was staring at him.

  “What’s wrong?” Chad asked. “I’m not that bad of a cook.”

  John laughed. “No. Dinner is delicious, thank you for this. I—I just had a flash of a thought, and I’m not sure if it’s a memory or my brain playing tricks.”

  “Really? Well, tell me!”

  “I can hear a voice calling out for a Nimal. I think it was my voice—I’m not sure.”

  “Well, that’s something. I wonder who Nimal was in your life?”

  John lifted a piece of chicken into his mouth. “I do not know.” He chewed. “I do not even know if it was real or not. But it felt vivid, almost as if this was a daily occurrence in my life. Perhaps I am into men and he was my lover.”

  “Maybe. But we can’t jump to conclusions. I will take my vacation time, and we will go into Negombo and see what we can find. And I know you said I didn’t have to worry about it, but I’d like to help. It would be an adventure for both of us. You shouldn’t do this alone, John.”

  “Thank you. I will not try and stop you. I have a feeling I will need the help.”

  “Good. Then it’s settled. We can leave in a couple of days.” Chad rose and set his plate into the sink. “In the meantime, we need to get you out of those clothes. So, let’s go to my bedroom.”

  “Um…”

  “Right—the gay thing—okay. You can stay here and I will bring you clothes.”

  John shook his head. “No. That is not the reason for—I will join you once I put these away.”

  It took Chad a moment to nod and leave the room. It was as if he was back in college. He had already come out of the closet, but college was a new scene. Chad was never a twink or overly feminine, so when he told people he was gay they would always be shocked. He was the jock, the cricket player, the baseball player, the football player. He sighed and climbed the stairs again feeling as if confessing to John had pushed him back into the closet.