Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  “Will you teach me to swim, Chad?” John asked without turning.

  The suddenness of the query caused one of Chad’s eyebrows to shoot upward. “Swim? Maybe you already know how to.”

  John made an irritated sound. “You are missing the point altogether.”

  Rubbing a palm across his forehead, Chad took a breath. “All right. Tell me. What is the point you’re trying to make?”

  “We cannot kiss. You have made that painfully clear.”

  “I didn’t mean to—”

  “If you have me in the water, you can touch me without feeling guilty. I find the prospect of your hands on my body wonderfully titillating.”

  Chad almost choked on air. Clearing his throat, he shifted slightly on the bed to alleviate the way his thighs were suddenly crushing his dick. Hearing John admit something like that endeared the man even more to Chad, leaving him breathless and unsure of what to say. “And why would my hands be on your body?”

  “You would have to hold me so I do not sink under,” John said. “Or you could come up behind me right now and merely touch my arm with a fingertip. Give me something to tide me over until you can fulfill your promise.”

  “John.”

  John turned his head to the side but didn’t look at Chad.

  “You do not have to, Chad,” he said after a few silent moments. “I am craving things I do not understand nor do I know if I should be. Your touch has been the only thing to calm the tremors in me. At nights when the nightmares come, I force myself to dream of you and I can sleep again. I know it sounds selfish because I am not sure and I … never mind.”

  Silently, Chad sat up slowly. He picked at the corner of his fingers for a second then rose to his feet. He walked up behind John and took John’s shoulders in his hands. To his surprise, John exhaled long and hard before melting back into Chad’s chest. Unable to stop himself, Chad kissed at John’s neck, licking the flesh just beneath John’s ear before swirling his tongue against John’s neck again.

  “Was this what you wanted?” Chad took John’s ear between his teeth and bit.

  John trembled visibly, and Chad smiled.

  “This will do for now,” John said. “I will want this if my memories come back. How could I not want this?”

  Chad cuddled against John for a bit longer then let him go slowly. “Come on. Let me try teaching you how to swim.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Surinder asked for what had to be the millionth time since Chad told him of the plan to visit Sri Lanka. “You seem hellbent on finding out about this man’s past. What if he is purposefully trying to forget, huh? Then what?”

  “You think he’s a bad guy who is seeking redemption so he buried his past and his identity?”

  “Do not be a dick.” Surinder sipped from his tea. “All I am saying is you cannot keep putting this much of yourself into him. It could end in tears.”

  “And don’t you think I know that? I’m well aware of how royally this could backfire, but he needs help and no one else seems to be able to do it. We’re just going to head to Negombo, see what we can find, and come right back.”

  Surinder sighed.

  “I’ll be careful. If anyone dangerous comes up, you’ll be my first call,” Chad promised. “I already spoke to Mom and Eliza, and they gave their blessings. It would be nice to have yours, too.”

  “You know you have it.” Surinder frowned. “You do. I just wish you would think these things through a little longer.”

  Chad grinned and hugged Surinder until his friend groaned. With their meeting over, Chad paid the bill and walked Surinder back to his car. With another hug, Surinder was on his way to the hospital and Chad returned to the house. He found John standing on the pool deck, staring into the rippling blue of the water.

  “I do not know why, but I feel comforted by the water,” John said without looking back.

  “Hopefully Negombo can give us a little something to explain that. Come on. We don’t want to miss our flight.”

  But just as he took the first step, his phone rang. When he looked down at the face, Chad sighed and pressed his eyes closed. “Hello, Mother dear.”

  “I wanted to speak with you before you headed off to Sri Lanka.”

  “I’m helping a friend, Mom,” Chad said, turning to look over at John. “Like I said before, I won’t be in any danger.”

  “And you’re sure about that?”

  “Pretty certain. But I’m a big boy, Mom. I can take care of myself. If I need help all I have to do is pick up a phone, right?”

  She sighed. “Right. Just—be careful. You don’t know what skeletons are in this guy’s closet. I hope you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

  “And what reasons are those?”

  “I don’t know. I know I’m your mother and you consider me Wonder Woman, but I don’t have the answers for everything. If your heart is in it then it should lead you to the answers you seek—if you need anything, anything at all, you call me.”

  “I will. I love you.”

  “I know, baby. And I love you, too.”

  “I must go. We have a flight to catch.”

  “All right. Call me as soon as you can.”

  Chad promised he would but waited until after he heard the dial tone before he did the same. When he looked up, John was watching him with an unreadable expression. Chad offered him a smile and a wink, and though John’s lips twitched upward, slightly, he didn’t wink back.

  “Your mother thinks you will be unsafe in Negombo.”

  “Yes,” Chad said. It made no sense lying. John had amnesia, but he wasn’t dumb. Anyone could gauge what was being said by Chad’s side of the conversation. “She’s a mother. No matter how old I get or how many times I travel by myself, she will be concerned. You cannot wrong her for worrying.”

  “No. I suppose not.” He shoved his fingers into his pockets and turned toward the guesthouse.

  Chad jogged after him and caught John by grabbing his arm. “Are you having second thoughts?”

  “I do not want you to get hurt,” John said on an exhaled breath. “I am going to be honest—I have no clue what is going to happen or if we will find anything. You could just be wasting your time and your money on this venture.”

  “Well, if we don’t find anything I can look at it as a vacation. I’ve been meaning to take one of those.”

  John smiled then. “You really are something quite amazing, do you know that?”

  “I know.” Chad winked.

  “And egotistic.” John laughed. “But it is cute on you.”

  “You think I’m cute?”

  “I did not say that.” John headed off again. “I am going to grab my stuff.”

  “You don’t have to admit it out loud again!” Chad called after him. “You think I’m cute! I know it!”

  He watched John leave, and for a moment, Chad just stood there, smiling. He’d never been one to be playful with a potential lover, but with John it came really easily. If he dared let himself go there he could see being close to John and enjoying it.

  But he couldn’t cross that line—again.

  ****

  For the three hours they were in the air, John slept. He’d been complaining of a headache since they got into the taxi for the airport. That worried Chad—patients of head trauma tended to get migraines, but sometimes it turned out to be something bad. He decided to watch it and see if it progressed, but the exhaustion on John’s face broke him.

  After they boarded, Chad offered him an aspirin. Though Chad was worried about flying so soon after John’s coma, they got through the flight, and after checking through customs, they climbed into the back of a hired car. They sped through the streets, narrowly missing carts or boys on bikes. Chad could see the worry on John’s body, in the way he hunched slightly in his seat, his brows knitted together, his eyes slightly squinted. Unable to stop himself, Chad reached across the seat to where John’s hand reste
d on the leather and used his pinky finger to wrap around John’s.

  John glanced at him for a moment, squeezing at his finger before drawing his hand away. Chad knew why that happened, but he still felt as if he was being given the brushoff. With a deep breath, he pulled his attention out the window. They passed through a crowded marketplace and had to slow down remarkably. Young children peered at the car with a mixture of curiosity, apprehension, and mistrust. He couldn’t say he blamed them. Chad was a stranger in their midst and could, quite possibly, be up to no good. At one point, they stopped, and a bright eyed little boy lifted his head to lock eyes with him. Chad smiled and felt his heart soar as the greeting was returned.

  It took them another twenty minutes to arrive at the hotel, and while Chad climbed out readily, it took John a little longer. They entered side by side, and Chad checked them into the suite. John didn’t speak. He merely folded his arms across his chest and pushed himself as far to the side of the elevator away from Chad as possible.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking,” Chad said finally.

  “I am thinking I am going to fall apart any second now.” John’s voice cracked. “I am going to blow into a million tiny pieces of nothingness, and there is nothing I can do about it. How can I be so helpless to myself—when did it get so bad that I know nothing of what I used to be? I am going to fall to pieces, Chad, and I am scared.”

  “I won’t let that happen.”

  John didn’t reply. The door pinged, and they exited. Chad followed the numbers to their suite. It had two bedrooms, a small living-dining space, and a lounge area. The balcony opened to an obstruction free view of the ocean, and the bedrooms did as well. After he showed John to his room, John fell face first into the pillows. For a moment Chad contemplated staying with him, but he wasn’t sure what he would say. Chad remained at the door for a while longer until the sheer pressure of the uselessness he was experiencing threatened to crush him into the doorframe.

  Instead, he went to his own room and set his bag on the floor. The room was a bit cold for his liking, so he went back to the entrance and fidgeted with the thermostat until he’d managed to turn the air conditioner down a little. He then opened the balcony door, and stepped out. The scent of salted hair hit his nose instantly. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head back, breathing deeply, trying to remember the last time he’d had such a pleasure.

  John’s kiss. Holding John in his arms, tasting from John’s neck, looping his finger with John’s—yes, that pleasure was recent indeed.

  He frowned and opened his eyes to look around. To his far left, along the beach, fishermen were pulling their boats in. Women in brightly colored clothing sat in the sand with their hands moving back and forth rapidly. Chad may not be able to see what was happening, but he guessed they were the ones cleaning the fish. To his right, the beach was littered with people—no doubt foreigners.

  “This is insane,” he muttered, storming from the view and back into his room. If Chad could go through the results from John’s test again, maybe something could narrow down the location he’d spent most of his time. There had to be a clue. He sat in the center of his bed, legs curled, papers strewn all around him, digging for something, anything to point them in the right direction. But after an hour and his eyes going slightly buggy, Chad gave up, stuffed all the pieces back into his folder and left the room. He looked in on John who was turned to face the wall.

  “John?”

  No reply.

  “John, are you awake?”

  John sniffled, and Chad entered. He walked around to the side John faced and sat on the edge of the bed. Tears streamed down from John’s eyes and soaked into the sheets.

  “Hey,” Chad whispered, touching John’s shoulder. “What’s the matter?”

  “I feel nothing,” John said. “Not a hint of memory, not a familiar twinge, nothing. I fear you have wasted your time and money bringing me here. My head is a blank space with nothing but the memory of kissing you written on it. I feel like I am letting you down, Chad, and I do not like it—not one bit.”

  “You aren’t letting me down. This isn’t a race. I’ve told you that. Coming here was just one more thing in the arsenal of things we wanted to try.” Chad licked his lips. “Besides, we’ve only just arrived. Don’t give up yet.”

  “Why are you doing this?” John rolled to his back.

  Chad shrugged. “Because it’s the right thing to do. Because if the situation was reversed I’d want you to do the same for me. Because…”

  Because for some reason your eyes give me life and I can’t seem to let that go.

  “You have to keep fighting, John. As long as you’re willing to do that, I’m here.”

  “And if I wish to stop?”

  “I will keep going. A man is nothing without his name.”

  “But my name is John.”

  Chad caressed the left side of John’s face and smiled. “For now. John was basically a space saver so we had something to call you until we find out who you are. And we will find out who you are.”

  John nodded and dragged his fingers against his cheeks. “You know—you have seen me naked.”

  “I have.” Chad arched a brow at the swift change of conversation. “Where’d that come from?”

  “Just thought I would point it out.”

  “But you were injured—as a doctor I had to take your clothes off to assess your…”

  John laughed. “Do not be so serious, Dr. Holstrom. The more I think about it the more I realized I would have enjoyed being naked for you.”

  “Um.” Chad wasn’t sure what to say. His body, on the other hand, seemed to have all the answers, and all of them would get Chad in trouble. “Um…”

  “Can we go out?” John asked, sitting up. “Can we just go for a walk—maybe by the beach?”

  Chad hesitated. His brain was still playing catchup with John’s switching moods. “Of course.”

  John leaned in and pressed his face into Chad’s neck. Chad couldn’t remember a time when he felt so helpless. All he wanted to do was help John remember, even if those memories would take John away from him. The hurt in John’s eyes every time their gazes locked only vanished when they were close. Sighing, he rested his hand at the back of John’s head, and remained like that until John pulled away.

  They left the hotel together in silence. Rode the elevator down without saying a word and stepped out into the sunlight of Negombo the same way. Together, they shoved their fingers deeply into their pockets as they went because Chad had an overwhelming urge to reach for John’s hand. Sighing, he continued with John, crossed a semi busy street, then followed a path toward the water. On either side, vendors sold everything from fried fish and roasted nuts, to clothing and jewelry. Chad stopped and bought fish on a bun from a lady. When he offered one to John, he hesitated. Chad smiled, John accepted it with a nod of his head.

  Their next stop was at a jewelry stand. A couple of bracelets caught Chad’s eyes.

  “What are these made from?” Chad asked, fingering the material.

  “Rope, mostly,” the man replied. “The clasp is made from Tibetan titanium.”

  “It’s lovely.” Chad inspected the clasp, noticing they were dragons. He nodded. “I would like to buy this one and this one.”

  “Very good, sir.”

  After money and goods changed hands, he accepted the small, blue bag and jogged to catch up to John. Eating, the two followed a boardwalk all along a tree-lined path until it ended in the sand. To their left, lawn chairs were set out for people. They were all occupied. By then, their meal was finished, so Chad led John toward a beachfront bar and the two sat underneath an umbrella.

  “Are you feeling better?” Chad asked.

  “A bit,” John said, squinting and staring out at the water. “I wish I remembered something, anything. I was hoping a smell or a sound would pull something out, but so far nothing—and I know you keep saying to have patience, but for how long?”

  Chad ignored
the urge to reach across and touch his hand. “As long as it takes. I know that’s a shitty answer, but it’s the best one I have.”

  “Yeah. I understand.” John bowed his head to pick at his fingers.

  “Here,” Chad said. He dug through the bag for the bracelet with the red rope and titanium dragon clasp. “I got you something.”

  “Chad—no more gifts. You have already done enough for me.”

  “The last one,” Chad told him. He extended the bracelet.

  “Chad.”

  “One day, you can treat me to dinner or something. This is for you. Please.”

  John nodded with a smile and accepted it. “It is beautiful.” He fingered the dragon’s head before handed it back to Chad and extending his left wrist. “Put it on me?”

  With a smile, Chad did as John asked. He traced his fingers against John’s arm unnecessarily long for that was the only way he felt he could touch John without drawing attention. Reluctantly, he pulled his hands back and lounged in his chair. “What do you think?”

  “It is perfect.”

  “Good. I’m glad.”

  “I would like to thank you for it—with a kiss. But…”

  “I know.” Chad’s heart broke. “There’s no need.”

  That was the biggest lie Chad had ever told. After it left his lips he couldn’t meet John’s eyes. The fib was to ease John’s mind, but it felt like the biggest betrayal in the world. But he knew acting on what he was feeling in that moment wouldn’t have been good for John.

  Finally, he couldn’t take the silence so he returned his gaze to the man across from him. John looked at him in that suspicious way he always did if Chad said something he didn’t believe. Chad reached into the bag for his bracelet and handed it over to John. He waited, shivering sweetly at John’s touch as he worked to latch the bracelet to Chad’s wrist. In the end, John dragged a fingertip along Chad’s arm to his palm then eased back.