Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  “That felt like an exchange of rings,” John said. “I mean—I just—”

  “I know what you meant.”

  “Really?” John asked. “Why is this so hard?”

  “It doesn’t have to be. Let’s take this one day, one catastrophe, and one unguarded moment at a time.”

  John sucked his teeth and looked back out to the water. “Come. We should head back.”

  “Already?”

  “I feel another headache coming on. Too much salt air, I suppose.”

  Chad rose with a nod. “Okay. You can take a nap while I do some digging to see if anyone reported you missing. I can tell by your hands that you weren’t a fisherman, so perhaps you held a job that didn’t require much hard labor.”

  “Like?”

  “A lawyer—a teacher—a banker?”

  “Your thoughts of me are way too high, Chad.”

  “I don’t think so. I can see you standing in a courtroom, in a suit, telling it like it is.”

  John smiled. “I really do not see that in myself.”

  “Of course you have it in you. I strongly believe that you could have become anything you wanted—still can. Once we figure out this riddle, you’ll see I was right. Then you have to take me out to dinner and listen to me tell you I told you so.”

  “You would not treat me so cruelly. I know you better than that, Chad.”

  “You think so?”

  “I know so.”

  Chad laughed. “Well, let’s see how things work out.”

  Leaving the bar area, they retraced their steps back toward the hotel. Their conversation was light, and Chad’s brain needed that break. He bounced John playfully with his shoulder at one point. John laughed, and Chad’s heart rose.

  “Have you ever kissed a girl?” John asked.

  “Yes. I’ve kissed a couple actually,” Chad replied. “The first one was when I thought I was gay. The second was when I decided I didn’t want to be gay.”

  “And what happened? How was it?”

  “Worst experience of my life.”

  John laughed. “It could not have been that bad?”

  “No? Well, let’s start with the first one. It was like kissing a bloodhound.” Chad stopped to face John. “Neither of us had a clue what we were doing. It ended when she grabbed my junk and felt how unaroused I was. The worst part was, she and I both knew I was supposed to be turned on by the kiss. I mean, straight teenage boys get hard just by thinking of a kiss from a pretty girl. But there was nothing.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  They started walking again. Chad thought back to that kiss. He was fifteen years old, had never kissed a girl before, and was scared out of his mind. He’d managed to talk her out of assuming he was gay by explaining that was his first kiss and he had a lot on his mind. They broke up the next day—that relationship had lasted two weeks. Who was he kidding? It wasn’t really a relationship—it felt more like a hostage situation.

  “Well, it is what society believes we should be, is it not?” John asked. “Straight. I mean, what does that even mean? “

  Chad chuckled. “Normal, I guess.”

  “Pfft. Normal is overrated—and boring, do not forget boring.”

  “Right.” Chad guffawed. “Can’t forget boring.”

  “I like this.”

  “This?” Chad wanted to know.

  “Usually we talk about me and what is wrong with me.”

  Chad sighed.

  “I like the change.”

  “Me, too, John.” Chad rubbed his back for a quick second. “Me, too.”

  They’d just stepped from the path to the sidewalk when someone shouted from the right.

  “Dilip?”

  Chad glanced around him to see who the man was calling to. He exchanged glances with John even as the stranger ran toward them, flailing his arms.

  “Dilip!” he called, then skidded to a stop before John. “You are here! How is that possible?”

  Instinctively, Chad eased his body a little closer to John just in case this guy was crazy. But even as he did that he could see John was the spitting image of the newcomer.

  “Dilip?” Chad said, then pointed to John. “His name is Dilip?”

  “Yes!” The man said. “Dilip Chandra. Boy, is it good to see you!”

  “Right now, you cannot speak in your native language. I’m going to need you to use English. Can you do that?”

  The man looked confused and frustrated all at the same time but nodded. His eyes never left John even as Chad spoke to him. “Do you not recognize me? It’s me! Nimal. Your brother.”

  “My … brother?” John asked.

  Nimal pulled John into a hug and spun him around. Chad saw panic in John’s eyes so he pulled the two men apart.

  “What is the matter?” Nimal asked. “You are acting as if you have no idea who I am! You know me!”

  “Um—not right now he doesn’t,” Chad said. “Maybe we should go somewhere for a drink and talk.”

  Nimal nodded. “I have looked everywhere for you!”

  “You are my brother…” The shock was evident in John’s voice. “You were looking for me?”

  “Yes. Of course I was! They told me you died, but I had no body to prove it so I refused to believe it.”

  “Wait? ‘They’ told you he was dead?” Chad asked. “Who?”

  “Our father,” Nimal answered.

  Chad glanced over at John, who looked as if he’d seen a ghost. “Maybe this is too much,” Chad said. “Perhaps we can do the rest of this later.”

  “No.” John reached over to touch Chad’s arm. “No. This is why we came. I can handle it. Really.”

  Chad still had his reservations but nodded. “If I see you becoming even more agitated he will have to come back.”

  “Understood,” John agreed.

  In the hotel bar, they were seated at a quiet table in the back. Chad sat between Nimal and John just in case things got to be too much. He looked from Nimal to John—Dilip—and couldn’t believe how alike the two looked. Only Nimal had a scar at the right corner of his upper lip and a dark spot under his left eye. If this man was who he said he was, Chad would be returning to Jaipur alone.

  While he was happy for John—Dilip—he couldn’t stop the breaking of his own heart.

  Chapter Eight

  A brother…

  Seriously?

  The sad part was even as John stared at this man who looked like his twin, John could not remember. There were no familiar etchings or a small twinge of anything old, and that damn near killed him. He tried to stay as close to Chad as possible, drawing his chair so near that their thighs touched beneath the table. John left his right hand under to gently held onto Chad’s thigh, using the heat from the doctor’s body to try to calm his racing thoughts and pounding heart.

  I have a brother.

  “Okay,” John said. His voice sounded small and quivering to his own ears. He cleared his throat. “Start from the beginning.”

  “But you know everything!” Nimal said.

  “Let’s pretend he doesn’t,” Chad said.

  Nimal nodded. Just before he began, their server arrived. They made their orders, and Nimal glanced from Chad to John before licking his lips.

  “You’re my brother. You’re two years older than I am. Our father sent us to France for university—you majored in Biology and I in Literature. After you graduated, you went to law school and I teacher’s college. After our graduation, we returned to Negombo. I began teaching at the university here, and you began working for a prominent law firm. Father and Mother decided that it was time you took a wife, but you were not interested. That was when you told father that you had no interest in women—that—well, that you liked men.” Nimal glanced at Chad quickly, but John tapped the table to get his attention back.

  “Then what?” John asked.

  “Father took it well. He didn’t lose his mind like I thought he would. As for me, I wasn’t surprised.
In Paris, you never went for the pretty girls around, so I suspected. You and I were always close. And we told each other everything. Yet, you never told me this.” Nimal paused for the server to put their drinks down and depart. “We thought everything was well. You took a lover, and the two of you met regularly. After the two of you went public with it, Father became increasingly agitated about the dishonor your affair would bring to our family.”

  “So it was fine to be gay, but as long as John—Dilip—wasn’t with anyone?”

  Nimal shrugged. “I suppose so. It makes no sense to a normal person, but our father—is anything but. A month ago, he told Mother and me that the two of you would be taking a father-son trip to New Delhi. I thought it was strange, but Mother said it was something that had to be done. When I asked to go along, I was told I was not invited. Father was supposed to pick you up at Anu’s apartment and the two of you were to leave for the airport.”

  “Anu?” Chad asked.

  “Dilip’s lover,” Nimal replied.

  “I see.” Chad’s voice sounded strained.

  John squeezed his thigh under the table. It was a way of reassuring Chad that John wasn’t going anywhere—even if he had this Anu person as a lover. The two exchanged glances before turning back to Nimal.

  “Why was I at Anu’s apartment?”

  “You wanted to tell him you were leaving,” Nimal said. “The trip was a last-minute thing, and apparently Anu would not pick the phone so you left us to head over. Father was supposed to swing by and get you after about an hour. You were gone for a week before Father returned. He said there had been a robbery, and you were dead. I asked for proof. Father refused. He returned your passport the house and told me he is my father and I should take his word for it. The cops—useless. I even flew to New Dehli to find your body, but—”

  “Go on,” Chad said.

  “I stayed for a while, but as you can guess, as a teacher I do not make that much money, and Father refused to fund my longer stay. He didn’t want me to go in the first place.”

  “Why not?” John asked.

  “Like I said before, he said I had to trust his word, but you are my brother! I needed to see for myself that you were gone. One minute you were hugging me with laughter in your eyes and the next this man is telling me you are dead? I could not believe that. How could I?”

  Chad nodded.

  “I had to leave once the money ran out. But here you are! What happened? Where have you been? Why did you not call? I would have come back for you.”

  John shook his head. “This is too much. I cannot—Chad, please?”

  Chad smiled and rubbed John’s shoulder. “I’m Dr. Chad Holstrom. I work at a non-profit hospital in Jaipur. Your brother was brought in with life-threatening injuries, mostly about his head. He was in a coma for a while, and when he woke up—well, he couldn’t remember anything. Still can’t.”

  “Life threatening … how?”

  “We don’t know.” Chad inhaled and exhaled loudly. “That’s why we’re here. We did a blood test, and the markers showed he was from this region so we came here hoping to find something.”

  “I have a feeling I know what happened,” Nimal said, his brows wrinkled in a frown. “I have a feeling Father had something to do with this.”

  “Why?” John asked.

  “Because he has never been okay with the gay lifestyle, and suddenly his son comes out and he is cool with it?” Nimal asked. “I mean, what are the chances? I’m going to have to confront him. He did something.”

  “Not yet,” John said. “You will have to pretend you still believe me dead. Until I can remember and figure something out. I am not ready to face our father yet.”

  “But Dilip…”

  John cringed. Hearing someone call him anything but John tore at him, especially since he now knew his father was probably the one who hurt him.

  “He’s right.” Chad stepped in. “If he cannot remember there is no need accusing your father. It’s not like he’s going to come right out and admit to any wrongdoing.”

  Nimal sighed. “How can I still pretend to be sad? I have my brother back.”

  “I’m sorry to have to ask this of you,” John said. “But it is important.”

  “Okay. For you, I will do this. But where are you staying? Do you have money? Can I do anything?”

  John smiled. There was a sense this man loved him. The way Nimal questioned, the look in his eyes—all of it told John no matter where on the planet he was, Nimal would have found him in time. “I could use a little cash.”

  Without further discussion, Nimal reached into his pockets and handed over some money. John thanked him and put the cash away.

  “Father and Uncle come here often,” Nimal said. “Try and avoid the boardwalk.”

  “Good to know,” Chad said.

  “Chad, I am suddenly very tired, and that headache is coming back,” John said.

  “Dilip—please be careful.” Nimal reached across to squeeze John’s hand.

  “I will. Anu—what happened to him? Why hasn’t he tried finding me?”

  Nimal shrugged. “I do not know. I do not think Father has had any contact with him since that night.”

  “But you’re not sure,” Chad said.

  Nimal shook his head. “When can I see you again?”

  “We are staying here,” John said, looking over at Chad. “You can visit. We will not leave without telling you.”

  “We will be here for a while yet,” Chad said. “I promise.”

  Nimal nodded. “It’s good to see you, Dilip. I mean that.”

  “What about you? How are you with the fact I am gay?” John asked. “I need to know who is at my back, Nimal.”

  “I knew you were gay, Dilip.” Nimal met his eyes. “After you refused to marry I started paying closer attention. The way you looked at women was with an attitude that showed absolutely no interest. When you saw a man you’d have this curiosity in your eyes, so I knew. The only thing that hurt me was that I am your brother and you never trusted me enough to tell me.”

  John nodded. “Chad, can you take me back now?”

  “Sure.” Chad rose, and John stood by his side. “Just call the hotel whenever you wish to visit. We’ll make sure we’re there.”

  Nimal smiled. “I will. I will see you soon, Dilip.”

  John nodded and watched as Nimal headed for the exit. He wasn’t sure he believed what just happened, but he couldn’t dwell on it. His head was pounding from behind his eyes, making it hard for him to see. Closing his eyes, he stepped close to Chad and rested his forehead to Chad’s shoulder. “Just give me a second,” John said.

  “Take all the time you need.”

  When he finally could open his eyes again, John stood on his own, and the two walked silently toward the elevator. When they were in alone and the doors closed, John drew close to Chad’s side. He used his pinky finger to reach for Chad’s and sighed as Chad’s warm hand touched his. “Chad?”

  “Hrm?”

  “Call me John?”

  Chad glanced over at him, his brown eyes full of confusion. “But your name is Dilip.”

  “Please?”

  “Okay—John. Whatever you want.”

  John smiled and released his finger as the door opened. They stepped through and turned down the hall toward their suite. “I’m sorry for being so weird. Hearing someone call me Dilip makes everything so surreal. Right now, I have no clue who I am as Dilip. It almost sounds fake. I’m familiar with John.”

  “But you will have to get used to your name.”

  “Then everyone else can call me Dilip.” John stopped to face him. “But you—I’ll always be John to you. I always want to be John to you.”

  Chad lowered his head, a smile tracing his lush mouth. “And what do I say when I’m asked why I call you John?”

  “You say—you say it is an inside thing. Say it is my middle name.”

  “Do you have a middle name?”

  “I have no c
lue.” John grinned. “But it is a good excuse, no?”

  Chad stepped in close, pressing his body into John’s and reached past John to insert the card into the lock. The door chimed then clicked, and Chad wrapped an arm around John’s body while using the other to open the door. “An inside thing.” Chad backed John into the suite. “I can do that.”

  “Good.” John’s voice cracked.

  Once inside, Chad released him, and John was left feeling weak and lost. He made his way to his bedroom and stretched his body out, hoping the relaxed state would do something for the fact he felt like someone was bashing him in the back of the skull. But no relief came. He rolled to his side, scrunched the pillow up and shoved it under his neck. That did nothing to alleviate the pain.

  John didn’t want to take any more medication. The fear of becoming addicted made the pain even worse. Taking a deep breath, he decided to focus on something else. Chad’s promise filled his thoughts. Now that Chad knew for sure John was gay, why hadn’t he kissed him like he promised? What more did he need, a blood red neon sign that read here lies the fag?

  He exhaled. Getting worked up only made the pain blinding. Finally, he lifted both hands to cup his head and closed his eyes.

  “Still in pain?” Chad asked.

  “Yes.” John kept his eyes closed.

  “Would you like a pill?”

  “No. I am trying to stop taking those. I would…”

  “John, no.”

  Without opening his eyes, knowing the light would only magnify the hurt, John inhaled. “Why not? You know I am gay. What is stopping you now?”

  “You belong to someone else.”

  “Someone who has not tried finding me.” John’s voice sounded tired even to his own ears. “I know what you are doing. You are trying not to…”

  “You don’t know that. You can’t know what he’s tried and hasn’t.” Chad sighed. “Even Nimal has no clue.”

  “Still…”

  “Sex is intimate, John. For some men, it’s something they do because it’s there, but for me it means something.”

  “And I mean nothing.”

  Chad sighed. “I didn’t say that. That isn’t what I meant.”