Anywhere But Here

by Remmy Duchene

  “He said when we found Anu, if I wanted to leave him he would not fight it.”

  “How come?”

  “I am not his to claim.”

  “But you wish to be claimed by him—it’s written in your eyes.”

  John’s cheeks heated. Looking away to dump the husk of his fruit into the garbage can, he shrugged. “In all the ways that should matter and some that are merely trivial. I sleep in his arms, and in the morning I wake with new memories. It is as if he knows precisely what to do with my body before sleep, where to touch, where to kiss—where to—making love with him brings me to life, Nimal. I really hope you realize that.”

  Nimal laughed and reached over to hug John. It was the first time since meeting again that they’d shared an embrace, but John felt at home in his brother’s arms. The last time they’d hugged before that day on the boardwalk was the day he came out. The memory seeped into his head like warm water though his clothing. The confession ended with resounding silence, and after John escaped from the house, Nimal had run after him and hugged him tightly. Without a word, Nimal had released him and walked away.

  That hug on that day saved John.

  “He still calls you John. Why?”

  John inhaled and pulled from his brother’s arms. “I asked him to.”

  “And in his bed, whose name does he shout?”

  “John…”

  “Because you asked him to?”

  John shrugged. “He is not used to calling me Dilip. And hearing that name still makes me—have bad dreams at night. I will always be his John even when I venture back into the real world.”

  “I see.”

  “Did I have my own place?”

  Nimal shook his head. “No. You chose to remain with Mother and Father. You were saving to purchase a house.”

  “So that means I have some money. Could you bring me my ID and stuff like that the next time you go over to their house?”

  “Of course. Father will not miss them. I do not believe they have entered your room since your demise.”

  “I do not know if I should feel sad or happy at that thought. I mean on one hand I—”

  “Darling?” Chad called from the front door. “John?”

  “In the kitchen.”

  Chad stepped into the space, covered in sweat. He was breathing a little heavier than usual, like he did when they were in bed, and John grinned.

  “Hello, Nimal,” Chad said. “It is good to see you.”

  “He brought me rambutans,” John said, snagging one and ripping the outer shell off. “Have you ever had it?”

  “Can’t say I have.” Chad rested his arms akimbo.

  John walked over to him and lifted it to Chad. As his lips closed over the fruit, John moaned. “It has a seed, so be careful.”

  Watching Chad suck the soft flesh from the pit made John hard, and he pushed to his tiptoes and kissed Chad. He couldn’t have helped it. His body was on fire, and they could have been standing in the middle of Times Square, and John would have kissed him all the same.

  When he stepped back, Chad was confused. “Does he know?”

  “That you are together?” Nimal asked. “Of course. One has to be blind not to.”

  Chad pressed his forehead to John’s right shoulder and groaned, which made John beam proudly. “I must take a shower,” Chad said. “Would you like to go out for dinner? Nimal, would you like to join us?”

  “I am afraid I cannot. Father is due over at my house for supper with Mother, and I cannot be late. I am, after all, cooking. Besides, I do not wish for him to grow suspicious.”

  “I see,” John said. He failed in hiding his disappointment. “Maybe next time.”

  “Of course.” Nimal said. “I am hoping the next time we can go out freely with no fear our father is up to something shady.”

  “What about our mother?” John asked.

  Nimal rubbed his palms against his thighs. “Mother never shows much emotion about anything. Well, except anger. We always thought Father ran the household, but it has always been Mother. She has him by a puppet’s strings, and we could never understand it.”

  “Do you think…” Chad trailed off.

  “She is involved?” John finished the question for him.

  “Sadly, I would not rule it out.” Nimal sighed.

  “We’re going to have to decide what we wish our next move to be,” Chad said. “To get to the bottom of all of this. Time is running out, and soon I’ll have to head back to work.”

  “I understand.” Nimal sounded thoughtful.

  “What’s on your mind?” Chad asked.

  John arched a brow and looked between his brother and his lover—two men he adored.

  “Have you ever read Hamlet?” Nimal asked.

  “Yes,” Chad said softly. A smile spread his lips. “I like the way you think.”

  “Wait—what’s Hamlet?” John asked.

  “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king,” Chad said.

  “Seriously, guys.” John stomped a foot. “What is happening?”

  “Father believes you are dead,” Nimal said. “I think it is time our dear father began seeing spirits.”

  It dawned on John then what Chad and Nimal were suggesting. He figured it would require much more planning to pull off, but he’d be up for it. If he could get his father to confess to what truly happened then at least then he’d get some peace and the rest of the puzzle would fall into place. Then this whole thing would be over and he would go home with Chad.

  At least that was how it played out in his head. Then again, as far as he could remember, things didn’t generally play out the way they should.

  “What if this does not work?” John asked.

  “Then we find another tactic,” Nimal said. “But for now, this is the only one we have.”

  John inhaled and exhaled long and hard. “Well, gentlemen, welcome to operation Catch the Conscience of the King.”

  ****

  Night fell over Negombo again, and Chad escorted John to the hotel’s restaurant. The food was delicious there, and there was less of a chance John’s father would make an appearance. He sat across from John watching the way the light glowed off his skin and smiled. “You’re so beautiful.”

  “Me?” John asked, his eyes dipping. “I think there is something wrong with your eyes. Are you sure you want me? I mean, my bones ache now when it rains, and I am bruised all over.”

  Chad laughed. “I’ve seen you all over, remember?” He leaned in, a devious smirk on his lovely lips. “And I love every inch of it.”

  “I see.” John tilted his head. “Chad, about what happened on the balcony…”

  “Yes?”

  “Um—did you just let me top you because you felt sorry for me?”

  Chad stared at him for a silent moment before easing back in the seat. He let out a long, loud exhaled breath before shaking his head. “I let you top me because my body demanded it. Pity was the last thing that went through me on that balcony. Are you regretting—”

  “No! Never!” John licked his lips.

  “Then what…”

  “It just felt amazing, and I did not want it to never happen again.”

  Chad eased in then and locked eyes with John. He lowered his voice. “You, never topping me again?” he asked. “Do you know how good it felt to have your dick sliding into me? It was so good I couldn’t think straight. You not topping me again will never happen. You’re a victim to your own success, John Chandra.”

  John shivered. “Good.”

  Silence.

  Chad smiled across at his lover. “I wish I could touch you right now.”

  “Me, too. Let’s get our minds off it. This plan, how sure are you about it?”

  “Pretty sure.” Chad inhaled. “Nimal will get us your father’s schedule, and we can go from there. But for now, we should do something together. I hear the Angurukaamulla Temple is a beautiful thing to see.”

  “Oh
yeah?”

  “Yeah. I was asking the chatty lady at the front desk,” Chad said. “Do you think that would be something you would want to do with me?”

  “Yes.”

  Chad nodded. “We can do it tomorrow? I will hire a car.”

  “Nimal has agreed to bringing me my cards and the like when he returns to our parents’ place,” John told Chad. “Apparently, I was still living with them, saving to buy a house. I would like to see how much money I had managed to stash away.”

  “Don’t worry about that now.”

  “I cannot help it,” John admitted. “I know you do not mind paying for everything, but I feel guilty letting you.”

  “And you can repay me one day,” Chad said, wiggling his eyebrows.

  John seemed shocked for a moment before laughing out loud. “That is a naughty thing to say, Chad Holstrom.”

  “I didn’t say it.” Chad took a drink from his glass and set it back on the table. “You jumped to conclusions.”

  “Are you saying you were not thinking of me, on my knees before you, worshipping your beautiful cock as repayment?”

  Chad laughed. “Among other things,” he admitted.

  “See? I knew it.”

  “Seriously, though. You don’t have to worry about any of this. I know you would have done the same for me had the situation been reversed. At this point I just want to see you happy.”

  “As my doctor or as my lover?”

  “As your doctor? I technically stopped being your doctor the day you were released from the hospital. As your lover, your happiness is everything.”

  John smiled. “Let’s go back to the room. I would like to begin repayment as soon as possible. I hear those interest payments can be a bit of a pain.”

  Chad grinned. “I like the way you think.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Angurukaamulla Temple was magnificent. The giant Buddha gave John a sense of peace he thought he could only find in Chad’s arms. He sighed and took a good look around, inhaling the hot air and feeling content, if only for that moment in time.

  “Sweetie?” Chad asked softly.

  “I am okay,” John replied, even offering up a smile.

  Chad nodded and motioned for John to walk ahead of him. Entering it through the mouth of a great beast, John stepped in close to Chad and brushed his hand lightly. The place was a little crowded, and he wasn’t sure how they would react to him holding Chad’s hand. Still, as they made their way past the sleeping Buddha, and the other color relics, John couldn’t help watching Chad, the way he peered closely at every little detail. He was a curious man, and for some reason, John loved that about Chad.

  When they were finished their tour of the temple, they walked slowly through the streets back toward a small food lane they’d passed on their way in the taxi. It was about a ten-minute walk, and though the temperature was insanely hot, John didn’t mind. He walked close to Chad, trying to think of a way to keep Chad in his life. When the whole thing with his father was over, he knew Chad had to return to Jaipur, and John wasn’t ready. That sadness hit him like a punch to the gut, and he held his stomach.

  “What’s wrong?” Chad asked.

  “Just a little cramping,” John said.

  “We should have taken a taxi.” Chad’s brows creased into a frown. “We can stop for a little bit and you can rest.”

  “No. All I need is some tea. I will be fine. I promise.”

  Chad dropped a kiss to John’s forehead then, and for the first time, John didn’t care if anyone was watching. They continued on, slower than before, and added another five minutes to their walk. John didn’t care. He aimed to enjoy every second he had with Chad, for any one of those could be their last.

  After finding a small restaurant in the back of the food alley, they took their seats in the enclosed space and ordered. John didn’t look up at Chad at first, but he could feel Chad’s eyes on him like a soft caress. Finally, he took a breath, smiled and looked up. “I do not want this thing with my father to be over,” John confessed without thinking.

  “Why not?”

  “I will lose you.”

  “How?”

  John shook his head in frustration. “What do you mean how? We are from two different worlds, and I was an idiot to think it would end in anything but tears.”

  “You cannot stay here, John.” Chad said.

  “This is my home!”

  “You can’t even remember most of it!” Chad snapped in a hoarse whisper.

  “Wow. I was wondering when that would come out.”

  Chad’s massive shoulders rose and fell. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He licked his lips. “I’m breaking my word to you, aren’t I?”

  “Your word?”

  “Yes. I promised you that when the time came if you wanted to go I’d let you. And here I am fighting to … look.” Chad moved his class to the side and leaned in. “I am offering you a place by my side.”

  “What about in your heart?”

  “John…”

  John took a breath and nodded. “I have to go.”

  “Go? Where?”

  “I do not know.” John rose. “I cannot breathe.”

  John took off for the door with Chad calling after him. After a pause, he heard Chad’s footsteps. He was barely out the door when Chad caught his arm and tugged at him. He flew around and into Chad’s chest. Chad cradled his head with one hand with the other around his back, and so help him, John couldn’t deal. Being in Chad’s arms was perfection, and even if he was going to lose that, John wanted to remember how it felt.

  “I need you to take me back to the hotel,” John whispered, reaching around to cling to Chad. “Take me back to the hotel and make love to me one last time.”

  “It doesn’t have to be for the last time.”

  “You do not love me.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Do not jerk me around, Chad.” John pulled from him. “I am not an idiot. I saw the pained look on your face in there when I asked.”

  “Can I be honest?”

  “Okay.”

  “John, I can’t allow myself to fall for you knowing you have to leave me. Don’t you get it? I feel very strongly for you. I do—waking up in your arms gives me the greatest rush of my life, and seeing you smile at me first thing in the morning is like nothing I’ve ever witnessed before. But the reality is once you make peace with your family, you will want to stay.”

  “I do not know what I will want. How can you?”

  “Because I know you now. You’re a good man, John. Your mother will cry and your heart will break, and then you will stay.”

  John bowed his head.

  “I think it’s time I started calling you—Dilip, don’t you?”

  In that one question, John felt the distance grow between them as wide as the Pacific Ocean. Taking a step back, John ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “We should go back to the hotel. I am sure we should be around for when Nimal calls to come by.”

  There was nothing left to say. All the way back, John remained silent in the back seat of their taxi. He sat as far from Chad as he possibly could and kept his focus out the window. But no matter how hard he tried to begin pulling his heart back from Chad, the backseat was a small place and Chad filled it like no other man could. From his scent to the soft way he breathed, all of it was overpowering to John—a sensation he’d come to love and wasn’t sure how he’d live without.

  He was regaining his past and losing his future and his mind. What kind of tradeoff was that? Why would God even do a thing like that?

  At the hotel, he climbed out and hurried inside. The front desk clerk stopped him to hand him a box Nimal had dropped off. He thanked her with a smile. Chad caught up with him at the elevator.

  “It is from my brother,” John said needlessly.

  “Oh.”

  Walking into the suite, John felt like the day he awoke at the hospital. Only, his brain wasn’t a blank slate, and C
had was no longer a stranger. But inside, he was hollow and alone and panicked, and it was killing him. Still, he sat and opened the box. He found a stack of money with Ten Thousand Rupees written on the white band around it along with a note, a bank card, a bank book, and a few other things. There was also a driver’s license, his passport and birth certificate, and his school credentials. He unfolded the note.

  Dilip,

  The money is from a stash you always kept under your bed. I figured you would need all the other things, too. I will call tomorrow.

  N.

  John looked up at Chad who stood at the door with his shoulders holding up the frame and hands in his pockets. “I want you, Chad.”

  Chad shook his head. “Please…”

  “No. I will not deny my heart because you are scared!” John snapped. “Look at me. Do you think this is easy for me? I knew the first time I climbed into your bed that I would have to make the hard decision in the end. And after being with you, the care you take of me, the way you stand up for me—how could I have not fallen for you? I may not have remembered who I was, hell, I might still not have regained everything, every memory, but I know what it feels like to be loved and whether you want to admit to it or not, you love me, Chad. You love me, and I am not walking away from that.”

  “You don’t know that!”

  “Yes, I do. And if I have to move to Jaipur and sleep on your front steps until you see it, too, then so be it.”

  John gathered up his things and headed for the door. He stopped to slam the rupees into Chad’s hand. “Here. This can help with the hotel.”

  “I told you—”

  “I do not want to hear it,” John said.

  He continued into the room they’d been sharing. After dumping the contents of the box on the bed, he sorted it all, ensuring all his important papers were stashed in the bottom of the small suitcase Chad had given him. The decision was made. John or Dilip, whatever he chose to call himself in the end, he belonged with Chad.