The Porter

by Ashley Dotson

  She crashed into me, bringing me spiraling to the ground. We slid through an empty field creating a skid mark almost the length of a football field. I usually craved her presence, reveled in our time together- not that day. I wanted to hurt someone- make them hurt like I was hurting. I couldn’t hurt Heath and I couldn’t hurt Daisy, but I still craved the feel of blood and fire on my hands.

  I stood up, still flaming.

  “If you need someone to release that anger upon, you may do so with me.”

  “Mom, you don’t want to mess with me right now.”

  Her face remained passive, “You are not as powerful as you think you are. At least not yet.”

  The thought was tempting, but I would be attacking an angel. That probably came with consequences.

  “We are not on Neutral territory.” She challenged, “Go ahead.”

  I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. My daemon was urging me on, shredding all rational thought, pleading with me to wipe that placid expression off her face. I could kill her for even thinking she could take me. It would be the end of her.

  My hand moved back on its own, bringing with it a bright red flame just for her. Still she didn’t move, which only made me irate.

  “No!” I yelled at her, but also to myself. I forced my arm down and closed my eyes to tame the wild fire raging within me. “Breathe…breathe…breathe.”

  I looked up still angry, my heart still broken, but a little saner.

  My mother still stood as stoic as ever.

  “I could have hurt you.” I yelled at her.

  “But you didn’t.”

  “That...Mom…that was dumb!”

  She smiled, “I’ve faced scarier things in my life than my own daughter.”

  “But what if I had burned you? I would never have forgiven myself.”

  “But Layla,” She stood next to me, “You didn’t. It was a lesson worth teaching. Was it a lesson worth learning?”

  “I talked myself down, so I guess so. I felt so close to the edge- to losing control. My daemon wanted to hurt you. Only Orrin has been able to talk me down like that.”I paced around madly, I was so angry at all of them- my parents, Heath, Daisy, especially Lillith for ruining my life.

  “It’s not Orrin or me that has that ability to talk you down, Layla- it’s all in you. That evil part within you is very similar to the darkness that resides in all humans. The capacity to do evil is not just owned by daemons, but by all creatures- even Angels.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course,” she admitted, “We just have an easier time of it- less free will, and all. Samael was an angel eons ago. Look where he is now.”

  “I don’t want that to happen to me,” I started to cry. “Mom, I think I lost Orrin- I mean Heath, for good this time.”

  She held me for long minutes while I cried over my love. I had done it once before, after I watched Orrin die. My heart was broken more this time, because I had been passed over. Heath had chosen someone else. Orrin said he would be with me forever, and because of his judgment, he broke that promise. He and I tied our souls to one another- that was huge. As a daemon, it means we are forever a part of one another. I couldn’t fathom why he would hurt me like that.

  My sobs quieted, my anger cooled to a pitiful familiar ache. I had known life before Orrin and I knew life after him. I never dreamed about living a life without him.

  “Layla,” my mother whispered.

  I only hiccupped afraid to speak.

  “I am going to tell you something that is really going to upset you. You will not fully understand for many years to come. Most humans never grasp the concept, but I am going tell you a secret. And I want you to really try and listen.”

  Intrigued, I sat up to look at her. I wiped my eyes and reminded myself to breathe.

  “This life,” She began to speak, lighting from within, an amazing sight to behold, “and everything in it is a blessing. The joy and pain, the first step to the final breath, every moment is a gift- a lesson to be learned.”

  “And?” I asked sullenly.

  “And…it’s not about you.”

  “You really think now is the right time to lecture me about being selfish?”

  “This isn’t a lecture.” She said flatly. “I do not lecture. I am merely stating a fact.”

  “In case you didn’t know, I have been thinking about others most of my life. Who do you think has been doing all the cooking and cleaning for me and dad while you were conveniently gone? I gave up everything to come down here and find Orrin. I’m the freaking Beacon! I have no choice but to help other people, whether I want to or not. And right now I don’t want to. That’s fair! I’m the least selfish person I know. Don’t I get to think about what I want for a change?”

  “A valid question, which make me wonder if you truly know what it means to love another person.”

  “Of course I do.” I knew what loving someone meant. “And I know what you’re getting at.”

  “You do?” She asked.

  “Yes, you want me to think of the people I love, how my choices affect them. You want me to put them first. You’re talking about Heath. You want me to be happy for him, instead of being angry and sad for myself.”

  “No, no,” she reassured me, “you have to hurt. It’s part of the healing process. But everything you said is right. And empathy can be one of the hardest things to give. Stepping outside yourself and viewing the world from another’s perspective is very difficult, especially if they are the reason you are in pain.”

  “He chose her,” I started crying again. “He didn’t pick me. He was supposed to pick me. I love him. I’m his soul mate.”

  “Yes, he did and yes, you are. But like you told me, you two a part of one another, tied to each other. Can you not feel his pain? Can you not see how tormented he is, knowing that whatever he decides, he will cause someone he loves heartache? And you left him, Layla. You left him with this decision to make that is tearing him in two. If you love him, be there for him- whatever it takes. However hard it is- be whatever he needs, whenever he needs it. That is what a soul mate should do.”

  “So I should have stayed at watched the two of them together? I have been doing that for months now. And it’s harder now knowing that he remembers who he is, he remembers us, and he is still choosing to be with Daisy.”

  “She needs him…”

  “Well I want him!” I cried, “I need him, mom.”

  “There is a difference between want and need. One day you’ll see that. You may want him, but Daisy needs him now. Putting the needs of others above our own wants- that is real love.”

  Ouch. I hated hearing that. Shame creeped over me and I wanted to take back everything I just said. My mother was right, and I knew it.

  “This sure sounds like a lecture,” I joked.

  She laughed that familiar comforting sound, reminding of Christmas bells and songbirds. She sat with me watching the sun slide across the sky, until I felt I could go back to Balmorhea and do what I had to do.

  I was Heath’ssoul mate and I needed to act like it. I would do what he needed me to do. I would say goodbye.

  Chapter 28

  Someday

  I stayed away that night and found him the next morning sitting on the porch of his simple farmhouse putting on his boots. He was probably getting ready to go over to Daisy’s house. The last week of high school ranked low on his priority list. Mine too, for that matter.

  I got to know this man well in those few months. He wasn’t cynical or sarcastic. He was honest, kind, and loyal. Heath had many of the qualities that Orrin struggled to obtain. They shared the same body. If I closed my eyes I could imagine the feel of it pressed against me. I knew the flavor of his kiss. I could feel his hand in mine. Orrin and Heath were one in the same. I looked forward to knowing the man he would become.

  But that would have to wait.

  “Hi,” I spoke first.

  “Hey, you left so quickly. I didn’t know where you went. Y
ou must have been in the air, because I couldn’t sense you anywhere. It didn’t seem like you wanted to see me.”

  “Yeah,” I said embarrassed about my tantrum, “I’m sorry about that.”

  “Layla, you don’t have to apologize.”

  “Yeah,” I admitted, knowing what I would say, “Yeah I do. I’ve even practiced.” I remembered the way he used to listen in on me all the time. He could hear me from anywhere in Providence. I wondered if he heard me practicing my apology last night.

  “Heath, I’m sorry I left. I should never have left you like I did. I know how much you have going on in your life right now. I worry that I might be complicating things for you.” I almost choked on the words.

  “Layla, you are not a complication.”

  But before I could go any further, the screen door slammed, announcing the exit of his father. We both looked at him and Heath went to his side.

  “Dad, this is someone I’d like you to meet- officially.”

  “Oh yeah?This the same girl you had over for breakfast not so long ago?”

  “Yessir.”

  Heath turned to me, “Dad, this is Layla Justus. She’s a…she’s my…”

  I moved to grab his hand, “I’m a friend of his from school. We have both been checking in on Daisy. I just came over to let him know she’s awake and asking for him.”

  “Nice to meet you, young lady. Cliff Darringer.”

  “Cliff? Like Heathcliff?”

  “Yeah,” Heath interrupted squeezing his dad’s shoulder, “Heathcliff- I’m named for my dad.”

  These were more than just memories imposed upon him in his judgment. These were people that he loved. Heath had a family in Balmorhea. He had a father, a human father that loved him. It was something that Orrin hadn’t had since his short childhood so many years ago. I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Clarity didn’t make the ache in my chest any less severe.

  “Are you two headed over to the Reese’s house then?”

  “I have a few more things to do with the livestock, and then I’m headed over.”

  “Alright then,” He looked at me, “Layla, nice meeting you.”

  “Bye.” I said. And he was gone.

  Heath turned to look directly at me. He stared at me for some time. He reached his hand up to slide it along my chin and down my neck. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. These human years feel so much longer than daemon years.”

  “Which is strange because it has really only been three months since you last saw me- like this, I mean.”

  He smiled, remembering. He had seen me since then. Heath had seen a lot of me, that is. More than Orrin ever had. My cheeks heated remembering the other night we went too far. He was thinking the same thing.

  “I don’t regret it, do you?” I asked shyly.

  “I don’t regret anything about you. I’m glad we had that night together. I just wish it could have different. I wasn’t very suave.”

  “Everything was perfect. I couldn’t have wanted anything better.”

  “I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you that night, in Providence. I’m sorry I left you.” He kissed me. It was soft, sweet. We took our time remembering what it felt like when it was just he and I against the world- when we tied our souls together and promised to never part.

  “It was never your job to protect me. The fight was always between Lillith and me. I’m sorry I didn’t know that then. When we were in Hell, Orias mentioned that and it made sense. He said when the time came, I would know what to do- and I did. You guided me through, but only I could pull Daisy out. Only I could save her. Just like you- only I could save you. I am the protector. That’s part of being the Beacon. You were never supposed to protect me. It’s me that is supposed to be protecting you.”

  He smiled, “How about this then- we can protect each other?”

  “Deal.” I agreed. We leaned in and kissed again. I felt better, but what I was about to do still made my heart throb like an open wound.

  Rip it off like a band aid.

  “I’m leaving.” I said abruptly.

  His smile faltered, “What? Why? Are you kidding? Graduation isn’t for another week, and then there’s the summer.”

  “I don’t’ need to walk across the stage. I’m okay with it. And I’m not going to stay when you need to be with Daisy right now.”

  “But we just got here- back together. I just got you back and now you want to leave?” He reached for me, grabbing my arm. His eyes glowing bright blue, his voice darkened, “No.”

  I let him pull me close. He shook me, trying to knock the sense loose in my head. I knew he was upset about me, Daisy, and his own crumbling world- and I couldn’t make it right.

  “I want to do what is best for you- what is best for both of us.”

  “And you think that’s being apart?”

  “I won’t stay here and watch you with her.”

  “What am I supposed to do, Layla? She needs me. And I need you.”

  I remembered my mother’s words, “You may want me, Orrin, but you don’t need me. Not really. Daisy needs you right now, and that is what is most important.”

  He stepped away rubbing the stubble on his jaw and pulling at his hair, “I can’t lose you. You promised…”

  “Yes, I did,” I reassured him, “And so did you. You won’t lose me. There is no one else that could ever take your place. My heart is yours. Forever.”

  We stood a while carving the scene into our memories.

  “I have something for you,” I said digging in my pocket.

  “If you say it’s a going-away-present…”

  “It’s not, because I’m not going anywhere. Not really. Not in here.” I touched his shirt near his heart, putting my gift directly on his chest.

  He looked at it and raised that eyebrow, “A ring? You’re giving me a ring?” I looked at his puzzled expression and explained quickly.

  “It is a ring, but I’m not giving it to you. I’m only lending it to you.” I took it and put it on the chain that I held in my other hand. “This is my grandmother’s wedding ring. It’s the only thing I have of hers and it’s priceless to me. Just like you.”

  “So you’re not giving this to me?” He asked still confused.

  I placed the chain over his head and tucked it under his shirt. “No, it’s only on loan. You have to return that to me someday when you’re ready. Someday.” I smiled trying not to cry, “And this a promise- another promise, actually. I will be waiting. Always.”

  “That’s kind of vague.”

  I shrugged, “It’s all I’ve got.We can live for someday.”

  “Well you’re not giving me much of a choice.” He bowed his head to kiss me. This time it definitely felt like a god-bye kiss. The tears slipped out unbidden.

  He touched the ring under his shirt, “You’re right. I hate that you’re right, but it’s not fair to ask you stay. I love you and that’s never going to change. When did you get to become so wise? Have you changed so much in the past few months?”

  “Apparently,” I smiled.

  “You know I can still feel you. Whatever you need, I can be there for you in a moment.”

  “I know. That’s what makes this a little easier knowing that you’re not far regardless of the miles. And you’re always right here,” I touched my heart.

  “I love you, Layla Justus.”

  “I love you, Orrin Darringer.”

  Those were our last words to each other. I watched Orrin get in his truck. I smiled and waved as he drove down the road. I waited until he was out of sight and silently cried, not for him but for myself, knowing one day the pain would fade and only my love for him would remain.

  Not THE END…

  Acknowledgements

  Where to begin…

  So many people have been crucial to helping me on this journey. My first book was so well-received among friends and family and countless others, it spurred me on to keep writing. Thanks to everyone who bought and rea
d The Beacon. Thanks to those who continued the journey into the second book, The Porter. I am honored, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.

  To my husband, Vince, as always your ideas are invaluable. Your support not just in this venture but in everything I do sustains me and drives me forward. I love you and am so glad you picked me eleven years ago. Thanks Sean for writing the music for the trailer, and always wearing a smile. You share your faith and talent with me and everyone else, and the world is a better place for it. Mom and Jon, as I write this, you’re not even done editing. I sure hope you liked it. Thanks for being my betas and giving me your honest feedback. And my entire family- Dad, Jane, Steph, and Nonnie, and my own urchins- thanks for your support with…everything. Having you near means the world to me. Melanie, Matt, and Jami thanks for being constant source of inspiration for an indie writer from Small-town, Texas. We can live the dream, too! Last of all to my students at Bloomington High School- I have such high hopes for all of you. I look forward to seeing what the Lord has in store for you. You are a big reason I get out of bed in the morning. I love you guys!

  I hope that you will join Layla and Orrin in the last novel of The Finding Justus Series. In the meantime, follow me on twitter and Facebook:

  www.ashleydotson.com

  #justkeepswimming