Sarah's Solace

by Sarah's Solace (epub)

  I wondered where Johnny was too. He still hadn’t returned to class, and I was getting worried about him. I finally decided to start snooping.

  “I heard he won’t be back until next semester,” said Mandy, the blonde girl who sat on the other side of him. I remembered they used to talk to each other in class a lot.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I heard his mom died,” she answered sadly.

  My heart sank at the words. I suddenly remembered Ethan telling me that his mom was really sick, but I had forgotten, being so consumed with my own situation. I felt horrible now. I also felt surprised at how affected I was, how I really did consider him a friend now. I had to go see him.

  “Do you know where he lives?” I asked.

  She knew the general vicinity, so I figured I could look for his truck from that point.

  As anxious as I was to get home to Ethan, I headed straight to Johnny’s place after school. It was out in the country somewhat, but it wasn’t too hard to find.

  An older, friendly looking lady answered the door. I assumed she was a relative. She smiled at me, but looked curious.

  “Hi. Is Johnny home?” I asked.

  “Uh, yeah, he is. Just a second.”

  I thought I heard him asking who was at the door, with a tone that told me he wasn’t in the mood for visitors, which I could understand.

  He answered the door wearing a flannel shirt and jeans. He hadn’t shaved for a couple of days, and his hair was a mess. He looked tired, but seemed to perk up once he saw me.

  “Sarah! What are you doing here?” he asked as he opened the screen door and stepped outside.

  “I heard about your mom.”

  The look on his face confirmed what I had been told.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said as I gave him a hug automatically.

  He didn’t say a word, but held me close to him. Suddenly I felt awkward, but at the same time it felt good to comfort him.

  “I don’t believe you came all the way out here,” he said as we pulled away from each other.

  “I wish I had come sooner. I didn’t know.” Only that wasn’t entirely true.

  “How could you know?”

  I paused. “How did it happen?”

  He led me to a bench in his yard that was under a shade tree. “She had cancer. Colon cancer,” he explained.

  “That’s horrible.”

  “Tell me about it,” he said sadly. “We knew it was coming, but…”

  “How are you doing?”

  “As well as I can be. Not much in the Christmas spirit, though.”

  “Neither am I.”

  “They said I can make up my finals after New Year’s. I’ll actually be anxious to get back to school, away from here. But my dad needs me right now.”

  “I’ll bring all my notes to you and let you know what’s on the test,” I winked.

  “Cool. By the way, do you have any plans for New Years Eve?”

  How could I answer that? How could I say no to my grieving friend? It wasn’t like I could explain that I had a spirit boyfriend who may or may not be around New Years Eve, so I’d have to get back to him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, since I was slow to answer. “I don’t want a sympathy date. I shouldn’t put you on the spot like that. I just blurted it out, because I want something to look forward to.”

  I still didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to see the look on his face if I let him down.

  “OK,” I said.

  “Cool.” He smiled widely. “Thanks for coming over, Sarah. It was really good to see you.”

  “You too,” I said sincerely.

  26. Christmas

  “Wake up sleepyhead,” he whispered.

  I groaned and stretched out my body, moving from my side onto my back. It was a nice move on my part, since Ethan was then on top of me, kissing my neck. I kept my eyes closed and smiled.

  “Come on, time to get up,” he said softly.

  “Never.”

  I felt him move away. I opened my eyes to find him sitting on the edge of the bed looking at me.

  “It’s Christmas Eve,” he brutally reminded me.

  I sat up, irritated. “I wish it weren’t.”

  “Don’t you want your surprise?”

  I remembered him saying he had something in store for me. It was the only way I had allowed Monica and Veronica to talk me into going to the mall with them, because Ethan needed to get some things ready for my surprise. I appreciated his effort, but all I wanted was him. My Christmas wish was for him to never leave me, but I knew it wouldn’t come true, and deep down, way deep down, I knew it was for the best. I didn’t care about me, but I knew he couldn’t go on just existing on the fringes of life, no matter how strong our love was.

  “You’re thinking about it again,” he said.

  “How can I not?”

  He knew me too well.

  “Because I’m not going to let you. We’re going to enjoy Christmas, damn it,” he insisted with a smile. “I have a full day planned for us.”

  “You know my parents won’t allow me to be distant today.”

  “Well, you’ll just have to make appearances. If they insist on more, then fake a stomach ache.”

  “Why Ethan, that’s pretty devious of you.”

  “I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes.”

  “You’re allowed to be selfish all the time.”

  I snuggled up against his back and put my arms around him.

  “You better go get some coffee,” he said. “I feel like challenging you to another game of Crazy Eights.”

  I laughed, remembering our night at the cabin. It felt like so long ago.

  “I’m up for the challenge. I have some other games in mind too,” I teased as I put on my robe and headed downstairs.

  I spent the day running back and forth between helping my mom wrap gifts and bake cookies, and spending time with Ethan in my room.

  We did manage to play some cards. Only when I tried to talk Ethan into some strip poker, he regretfully declined. It would have been difficult anyway, since my mom was constantly calling me back downstairs for something.

  “This isn’t working,” I finally said to Ethan.

  “I know, but I enjoy watching you spend time with your mom too.”

  “I’ll get to spend plenty of time with them later.”

  When he didn’t answer, I walked over to the window and stared outside.

  “Do you see it now?” I asked.

  It only took him a moment to realize what I was asking.

  “It’s always there. A constant reminder.”

  He walked up behind me, putting his arms around me and kissing the top of my head.

  “Aren’t you curious about your surprise?”

  He was changing the subject.

  “Of course,” I said, smiling.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after 3:00.”

  “Hmm, Veronica should be calling soon.”

  I gave him a confused look, and then a moment later I heard the phone ring. My mom was yelling for me before I could answer it.

  “Sarah! Your friend, Veronica, is on the phone!”

  I smiled at Ethan and chuckled. What was he up to?

  I picked up the phone in my room. “Hello,” I said, still grinning at Ethan.

  “Hey, girl. What are you up to?”

  “Just sitting here with Ethan. What are you up to? How did he know you’d be calling?”

  She laughed. “Can you put him on the phone?”

  I was confused again, but she explained. “I just need to tell him something.”

  “She wants to talk to you,” I told him as I handed him the phone.

  He listened and then said, “Cool! Perfect.”

  He handed the phone back to me. “She can’t hear me of course, so just tell her I said thanks for everything,” he smiled.

  “OK, well, he said thanks for everything, Veronica.”

  “
No problem. So your parents should soon be telling you that they are going to a party tonight.”

  “What?”

  “It ends up my parents are clients of your father’s. Anyway, they’re going to invite them to a big party tonight that is being thrown by some of my parents’ wealthiest friends.”

  “My parents never go out on Christmas Eve.”

  “My father can be very persuasive. Besides, this would be an excellent opportunity for your dad to get some new, very rich clients.”

  “OK. Well, we’ll see what happens. That would be cool, so I could spend more time with Ethan without having to sneak around. Only I don’t think they would want to leave me alone.”

  “My parents will mention that I’m going to visit friends in Chico and want you to come along, but of course you won’t be.”

  “Wow! Veronica, I can’t believe you arranged all this. Thank you!”

  “Thank Ethan too. He asked for my help with his plans tonight.”

  “Plans?” I asked him.

  Veronica laughed again. “Bye. Merry Christmas,” she said.

  “Merry Christmas.”

  About five minutes later my mom knocked on my bedroom door. Veronica was right.

  After my parents left, I looked at Ethan deviously. “So, what now?”

  “Now you go put on some more clothes. You need to dress warm for where we’re going,” he said.

  “We’re going out? Where?”

  “You’ll have to drive of course. Just follow my directions. Oh, and bring your snow boots.”

  “Are we going skiing?”

  “No, but we are going to be pretty high up on the mountain. Now, go get ready. You’re wasting time!”

  I was nervous as we drove up the mountain in the dark, but I had Ethan with me, and he knew exactly how to get to our destination.

  “How much further up can we drive?” I asked. We seemed to have been traveling forever.

  “The road ends soon.”

  “You love surprise adventures, don’t you?”

  “Most girls would call that romantic.”

  I smiled. “It is, but I’m just curious what we’re going to do once the road ends. I’m not prepared to pitch a tent.”

  Once I parked the car, Ethan took us to a small storage shed and unlocked it with a key he had stored in my purse. When we opened it up, I noticed a snowmobile just sitting there, like it was waiting for us.

  “No way,” I said to Ethan. “How?”

  “Veronica’s help again. She lent us her family’s cabin for the evening. We owe her big time.”

  I shook my head. It was amazing what she did for us.

  “Come on! Let’s go!” he said.

  “Ethan, I’ve never driven one of these before.”

  “I have,” he grinned. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you.”

  I climbed on and firmly gripped the handle bars while Ethan sat behind me and put his hands over mine, instructing my every move. As we zoomed up the mountain, I felt exhilarated. The cool air chilled my cheeks and stung my eyes, but I loved the feeling.

  I couldn’t believe I was driving a snowmobile. I got scared every time we had to take a curve and often thought I would crash into a tree or tumble over, but Ethan guided me the whole way, until we finally came to a little cabin snuggled in the wilderness. I came to a slow stop, and then I was finally able to breathe.

  “That was awesome!” I exclaimed.

  “You did great!”

  “Thanks.”

  As we walked onto the small front porch of the cabin, Ethan unlocked the door. “After you,” he said.

  I walked in slowly, not sure what to expect.

  “Wow!” I said, wide-eyed as I took in our surroundings.

  There were already oil lamps lit and a small Christmas tree. The place was beautifully decorated like a perfect country Christmas. Ethan immediately began lighting all the candles and then built a fire.

  As I looked around, I noticed two presents under the tree, a small one with my name on it and a large one with Ethan’s name. Of course, I smiled to myself. I had hidden the gift I bought for Ethan at Veronica’s house so he wouldn’t see it. She brought it here for me.

  “I don’t know how to thank Veronica for all this. You two were pretty sneaky!”

  “I’m glad you like it.”

  “How could I not? I’m surprised you didn’t take me to your cabin, though.”

  “I know. I thought about it, but we have both good and bad memories there, and I want tonight to only be about the good. I wanted to get away and spend Christmas with you, without having to hide out in your room.”

  “I love you, Ethan,” I blurted.

  “I love you more than you even know,” he answered, giving me a hug.

  I smiled. “So, is there any hot chocolate?”

  “We have everything here,” he said as he began rummaging around. “I plan on cooking you a steak too.”

  As we sat in front of the fireplace, I savored my delicious steak and potato while Ethan watched me eat.

  “I feel so bad here,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Because…don’t you miss eating?”

  “I miss a lot of things.”

  I was getting full and decided to push my food away. My stomach was in knots anyway. It was a feeling I had grown accustomed to.

  “Do we have to go back tonight?” I asked.

  “No. Veronica will cover for you.”

  “That’s cool. So…is there any wine here?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Since I don’t have to drive back, I feel like breaking my rule tonight.”

  I took my plate to the sink and found a bottle of wine in the cooler. I fixed myself a bottle of Merlot, already cursing myself for my weakness, but I didn’t care. When I sat back down, I noticed that Ethan had my gift in his hand.

  “I don’t want to wait until tomorrow,” he said with a smile.

  I put my drink down and gently grabbed the package. It was beautifully wrapped with thick, shiny green paper and a velvet red bow. I carefully unwrapped it and opened the box. It was a cassette tape that looked homemade. It had the title, ‘Enduring’.

  “What is this?” I asked excitedly.

  “It’s a tape I made before…I had this dream of using these songs as my demo, hoping they could be made into an album,” he said timidly, rolling his eyes.

  “Oh my God. Ethan! I’ve been dying to hear your music!”

  Damn. I did it again. “Sorry. Bad choice of words.”

  He smiled. “That’s OK. So, do you want to hear it?” he asked shyly.

  “Are you kidding? Is there a tape recorder here?” Then it dawned on me. “No…wait!”

  I picked up his gift from under the tree and placed it in front of him.

  “Sarah, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “Yes, I did. Hurry! Open it!”

  It was really feeling like Christmas now. I felt like a giddy child.

  He ripped through the wrapping paper and opened the box, pulling out the vintage acoustic guitar I bought him. It was beautiful. It looked like it had been made for him.

  He laughed. “We were thinking the same thing. Wow, this is a really nice guitar.”

  “I had to do something to get you to play your music for me.”

  He rubbed his hands over the guitar. I could see how much he missed the feel of it. He began tuning and strumming, testing out the sound.

  I sat cross-legged on the fur rug in front of the fireplace with my wine, surrounded by the big pillows to lean on, and waited patiently for him to perform for me. I knew he would be great.

  “I’m nervous,” he said. “It’s been a long time.”

  “Imagine how I felt when I had to draw a nude portrait of you during my art class!”

  He laughed loudly. “Good point. OK.”

  He began to strum, slowly into a melody that sounded magical to me, and then he began to sing. His voice was soft and sexy, and his lyrics
were witty and soulful. He was even better than I imagined he would be. He seemed to be more and more comfortable singing in front of me as he went along. When he finished, I was speechless.

  “That bad, huh?” he asked.

  “Bad? Are you kidding? Ethan, that was beautiful.”

  He smiled and started to put the guitar down.

  “No, don’t stop! Play another one!” I begged.

  “OK, one more for now,” he said. I could tell he was excited to continue.

  I was mesmerized while I listened. I wasn’t sure how to describe his music, but it was like country and folk, that was also on the verge of rock. It was unique and perfect for him. His lyrics were about life and love. I was so happy that he was sharing his gift with me, but at the same time I was growing sad, angrier actually. I couldn’t understand why he had to be taken from his life at such a young age, only to be…stuck.

  As much as I wanted nothing more than for him to stay with me forever, for my sake, I wanted more for him. He deserved more. He deserved to be in a place where there were no more worries and no more pain, a place where he could be free and happier than he could ever be here with me. I knew I had to let him go.

  I could feel the tears about to fall by the time he finished his song. I took another sip of my wine in an attempt to hide it.

  “Are all these songs on my tape, I hope?” I asked, trying to force a smile.

  “Yeah. It’s funny how you inspired some of them.”

  “How could that be?”

  “You are the one I was dreaming about.”

  I would never meet a man who was as caring and romantic as Ethan. I was sure of that. I would never love anyone like I loved him. That was something I would have to live with.

  “You don’t look very happy,” he said.

  “I am, Ethan. Believe me. I’m just realizing that I’ll never be this happy again.”

  “You will, Sarah. You just have to allow yourself to be.”

  I didn’t want to argue with him. I knew what the truth was. I looked at his tape again, the only tangible thing I would have to remember him by, except for my drawings.