Sarah's Solace

by Sarah's Solace (epub)

  “Why did you name the tape ‘Enduring’?” I asked.

  “We have to sometimes endure hardship, for instance, so that one day we’ll have something or someone we want, and then once we get it, we hope that it will last or endure. Sound corny?”

  I smiled. “No. I like that.”

  He laughed. “I also chose it because of my name. Ethan means ‘enduring’. Pretty damn ironic isn’t it? Considering my fate.”

  “I think it’s perfect.” I couldn’t stop the tears now. “You’ll live forever in my memories and in my heart.”

  He sat down in front of me and gently wiped my tears.

  “Now I know that sounded corny, but it’s true,” I said.

  He smiled and kissed me softly, and then put his arms around me.

  “I know you have to go, Ethan. I hate it, and I’m scared to death, but I know it has to be that way.”

  “I know. I’m scared too,” he admitted.

  “Just promise me you won’t just slip away in the night while I’m sleeping. Don’t leave me that way.”

  He didn’t answer. I pulled away from him, becoming angry.

  “Oh my God,” I said. “Was that really your plan?”

  He looked away. I had called him out.

  “It would probably be easier for you if I did,” he answered.

  “I’ll never forgive you if you do,” I threatened. I would not allow him to do that to me in his effort to protect me.

  He nodded. “OK. I know my promises don’t mean much to you now, but I won’t do that then. I don’t want you hating me for eternity.”

  I believed him…mostly, and I could never hate him. I could never let him go.

  Instinctively I kissed him, more controlling with my kiss this time, as much as I could be anyway. I gently pushed him down until I was on top of him. He pushed my hair back as it was falling forward into his face. I continued kissing him while my hand travelled down his chest to his stomach, then slowly down further.

  “Sarah, what are you doing?” he whispered against my lips, bringing me back to reality.

  I slowly brought my hand back up to his chest.

  “Sorry.” I sat back up, suddenly embarrassed. “I’ve had too much wine.”

  “Don’t apologize,” he said, smiling. He motioned around the room. “This is a seductive setting,” he joked. “It would appear that I was trying to take advantage of you.”

  “I wish that were possible,” I said.

  “I wish everything were possible.”

  We were up at the break of dawn. Ethan was trying to get me moving, which was difficult with my slight hangover, on top of the fact that I didn’t want to go home where I would have to hide Ethan in my bedroom again.

  “Do I have to remind you that it’s Christmas morning, Sarah?”

  “I know what day it is.”

  “And I’m sure your parents want you home as soon as possible.”

  I scrambled to straighten things up and pack up my bag. I was sure to grab Ethan’s tape as well.

  “What about your guitar?” I asked.

  “I don’t think we should try to take it on the snowmobile with the two of us. We’ll pick it up from Veronica later.”

  I didn’t want to leave it, but he was right. I also liked that fact that he was planning for us to still be together ‘later’, whenever that would be.

  The ride back down the mountain shook me awake. The snow was so beautiful, and the fresh air smelled so good. I took it slow, still afraid of hitting the trees, but we were back before I knew it.

  My parents were of course happy that I was home pretty early. Veronica had called them and explained that we had fallen asleep in Chico, but I would soon be on my way.

  For the rest of the day, things felt pretty normal, as much as possible without Alexis. Ethan also wanted to join us. He said it would make him happy to watch us, even though I knew he missed his family terribly. Having him with me while I was with my parents always made me nervous, because so many times I would look his way and smile, and want to say something then remember that I couldn’t.

  My parents loved the gifts I picked out, and my mom actually did well with picking out some clothes for me. She paid attention to what I liked when we went shopping after my coma. That already seemed like so long ago, even though my time with Ethan always seemed to go by too fast.

  After we opened gifts, we decided to visit the cemetery to see Alexis. Ethan didn’t want to join us, and I understood. I realized it had been too long since I had visited her, or even tried to talk to her. I had so much to say, but I would have to return without my parents.

  By the time we finished Christmas dinner, I was exhausted. I briefly returned Monica’s call. She had gone to Florida to visit relatives and was having a blast. As always, I tried to act as if I were totally enjoying myself and had no worries, and as always she didn’t believe me, but we promised to get together when she returned.

  I also called Veronica to again to thank her for arranging such a wonderful night for Ethan and me. She said she would pick up Ethan’s guitar for me in the morning.

  I then decided to call Johnny. I continually worried about him. It was obviously a horrible Christmas for him, and it brought back memories of my first Christmas without Alexis. I could tell that he was going to be OK, though, and that my call would help to cheer him up. I promised to call him again soon.

  After all of that, I was completely spent. It had been a long night and an even longer day. I could barely keep my eyes open, but was struggling to stay awake. A part of me was still afraid to fall asleep, despite Ethan’s promise.

  27. Destiny

  I held Sarah until she fell asleep, which didn’t take long, even though she was fighting it. I had been thinking hard about what I was going to attempt to do and decided that I couldn’t do it alone. I would keep my promise to her, but there had to be a way to make it work. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her. I just knew her too well, and I knew my own weakness. I also had to make sure she would be alright afterward, so I decided that there was only one person I could turn to.

  I waited until it was very late, and everyone would hopefully be sound asleep. Sarah was still out, and it didn’t appear she would rouse anytime soon, but just in case, I decided to write her a letter that read:

  I’ll be right back, so don’t panic.

  I love you.

  I didn’t sign it, just in case her parents were to see it, and then I slipped away to my destination.

  Once I arrived, I had to be careful not to scare her, so I nudged her shoulder. It felt very intrusive to be in her room, but I needed to talk to her right away.

  “Veronica,” I whispered.

  She mumbled something and then turned over.

  “Veronica,” I said louder and nudged her again.

  She slowly opened her eyes then sat up quickly, startled. She pulled her sheet up over her gown. “Ethan!” she said too loudly.

  “Shh,” I reminded her. Her parents were home and sleeping just down the hall.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she asked in a loud whisper.

  “I’m sorry. I just really need to talk to you.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes.”

  She reached for her robe at the foot of the bed and slipped it on.

  “Sorry,” I said again.

  “It’s OK. Believe me, you’re not the first ghost to wake me up in the night,” she said, no longer whispering. “My parents think I just talk in my sleep.”

  I wondered if there were any others in her house at the moment. Luckily, we appeared to be alone.

  “It’s about Sarah.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “She’s OK, for now, but I really need your help again.”

  I explained my plan and my promise to Sarah. I tried my best to convince her. If she had Sarah’s best interest in mind, like I always did, then she would have to understand.

  She surprised me. “No!” she said firmly.
>
  I waited for her to explain.

  “Sarah has become my best friend, Ethan. She’ll never forgive me if I have a part in this.”

  “Yes, she will. She’ll understand later, and she’ll forgive you. You know how forgiving she is.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right.”

  “It’s the best solution I could come up with.”

  She was silent, so I had to be more persistent.

  “I’ll find a way to do this with our without you, but for Sarah’s sake and to ease my worry, I think you should be there. I could always talk to Zelda myself.”

  “She’s still in New Orleans,” she said defiantly, and then she rolled her eyes, as if she were giving up her argument. “You don’t need to find Zelda. I know what to use.”

  “So you’ll do it?”

  Silence again.

  “Please, Veronica.”

  She took a deep breath. “OK.”

  I looked sincerely into her eyes. “Thank you.”

  “So when and where?” she asked.

  “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow. Wow,” she said with disappointment.

  “I’ve waited too long already. Every day makes the thought of it more torturous, and my time is running out fast. I can feel it.”

  She nodded with understanding. “My parents are going to L.A. tomorrow. We can do it here.”

  “OK,” I said, fear surging through me again at the reality of it. “You’ll call?”

  She nodded.

  I gave her a hug and thanked her again. “Try to get some sleep,” I told her.

  She smiled at me as I was leaving, but it looked like she had tears in her eyes.

  In a matter of minutes I was back in Sarah’s room. She hadn’t woken up, and my note was still on the pillow beside her. I took it downstairs and threw it in the fireplace. I watched it crinkle up, turn black and disappear. I realized how symbolic it was, being consumed by the brightness from which there would be no escape.

  “Good morning, my love,” she said as she floated into the room with her hair soaking wet and wrapped in a towel.

  I had never seen her look so adorable, and she smelled like soap.

  “Usually I’m the one who doesn’t want to get up!” she laughed.

  “I don’t feel like moving today.”

  “What do you feel like doing? I wonder if it’s too early to call Veronica. I want to get your guitar.”

  “There’s no need to rush.”

  “What’s wrong?” she asked with concern.

  I had to pull it together. I didn’t want to blow my plan, as much as I was tempted to put it off, or better yet, forget the whole thing.

  I forced a smile. “Nothing,” I answered. “Aren’t ghosts allowed to feel lazy sometimes?”

  “Sure.” She lay down next to me, still wearing her towel.

  I turned toward her and put my arm around her waist, resting my head on her chest.

  I could feel my weakness returning, pulling me down. Now that I knew that it was really time, I seriously didn’t think I would have the strength, or the will.

  I always believed in doing the right thing and insisted that others do the same, only now that it was so close; it felt more real than ever. Now I was afraid of what to expect, what I might not remember or no longer feel, and most importantly, what would happen to Sarah. At the same time, I knew she would be better off. I didn’t care if she would never forgive me, even hate me. It would probably be better if she did. I just wanted her to be happy.

  “You sure are being quiet. You have this worried look on your face that’s making me worry,” she said, being too perceptive as usual.

  The sound of the telephone interrupted us.

  I moved to allow Sarah to get up and answer.

  “Hello. Hey, Veronica!” she said with excitement.

  Damn. Already. The wheels were in motion now, and there could be no going back.

  “Yeah, that would be great!”

  I hugged Blondie and stroked her fur while I listened. I would miss her too.

  “OK, that sounds good,” she continued. “See ya later.”

  I felt bad for involving Veronica like this. I just simply couldn’t come up with a more logical plan.

  “Well, Veronica is going to pick up your guitar from the cabin this morning, so we can meet up with her later at her house. She wants to have us over to hang out while her parents are in L.A. We don’t have to stay long. I really just want to pick up the guitar and finally exchange gifts with Veronica. I told her she’s done enough for me already. For us, I mean.”

  Again the guilt. Sarah needed Veronica’s friendship, and I was jeopardizing that with my brilliant plan.

  For the rest of the morning, I tried desperately hard not to let Sarah sense my mood. I tried to smile, make jokes, and make small talk, but really all I was doing was watching her. I watched her pick out her clothes, do her hair and make-up, eat breakfast, laugh at the TV…I loved to watch her, and I hoped, prayed that I would be able to take those memories with me.

  “So anyway, I thought we could go there tomorrow,” she said excitedly.

  “Go where?”

  “To the beach! Weren’t you listening?”

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. The beach would be really nice.”

  She smiled back at me. “We’d better get going. I told Veronica we would be at her place by 1:00.”

  If my heart could still beat, it would be pounding out of my chest. I wasn’t ready. I suddenly tried to bargain with the light, with God. Leave me alone and give me more time, and then I’ll do what you want…Or better yet, don’t leave it up to me. Just take me when you’re ready. It would be so much easier.

  We arrived at Veronica’s way too quickly. It was like time was suddenly on high speed.

  I immediately met Veronica’s gaze when we pulled up, and she stepped outside to greet us. Her face was full of sorrow, but she quickly hid it from Sarah, forcing a smile as she hugged her friend.

  I slowly walked up behind them. “Hi, Veronica.”

  “Hey, Ethan,” she said. There was contempt in her voice.

  “So, did you get the guitar?” Sarah asked her as she walked in, taking off her jacket.

  “Yeah, I did. It’s in the corner.”

  I looked in the living room in the direction she pointed. Sure enough it was there.

  “Wow! Thanks! Sorry you had to go pick it up. I was having a hard enough time just driving that snowmobile, but it sure was fun! Wasn’t it, Ethan?”

  I smiled and nodded. “Sarah was very brave.”

  “Oh crap! I forgot to bring your gift in. It’s in the car. Hold on,” Sarah said to Veronica as she headed back outside.

  “This really sucks,” said Veronica as soon as Sarah was a safe distance away.

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “I understand. But I still hate it.”

  “Me too.” I looked around the house. “I take it we are completely alone.”

  She knew I was referring to her spirit friends.

  “For now,” she answered. “You’ll be an inspiration for some of them.”

  I wanted to ask more questions, but Sarah ran back in.

  “Here it is,” she said to Veronica, smiling widely.

  It was a small, beautifully wrapped blue box, tied with a gold ribbon.

  “It’s just a little something,” Sarah added. “I wish it could be more.”

  “Thanks,” answered Veronica. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “Are you kidding? How can I ever repay you for all that you’ve done for Ethan and me? We had the perfect Christmas Eve thanks to you!”

  Veronica smiled, but avoided looking Sarah in the eyes. “I have something for you too,” she told her.

  The girls sat down on the sofa and exchanged their gifts. Veronica gave Sarah a colorful handmade quilt.

  “I know how much of a homebody you are,” she teased, “so now you can wrap up in this whe
n you watch movies.”

  Sarah laughed. “It’s perfect! You made this?”

  Veronica nodded.

  “You have some hidden talents!”

  Sarah gave Veronica a beautiful blue heart-shaped necklace.

  “It belonged to Alexis,” Sarah told her.

  Veronica turned white. “Oh my God. Sarah, I can’t accept this.”

  “I want you to have it. Alexis would be happy that I found a friend like you.”

  This was too much for Veronica. She excused herself as she was about to cry.

  Sarah looked at me, concerned. “I didn’t mean to upset her.”

  When Veronica reappeared, she had obviously recovered. I felt terrible that this was so hard for her too.

  “Sorry,” she said. “I had a spirit visitor last night, so I’m a bit emotional.”

  “Who was it?” Sarah asked.

  I started to get nervous.

  “We’ll talk about it later.”

  Sarah glanced at me and then assumed that Veronica just didn’t want to discuss it in front of me.

  “So, how about we go outside for some fresh air?” Veronica asked.

  “Sure,” said Sarah.

  “Yeah, that sounds good,” I added.

  “Cool,” said Veronica. “I’ll bring out some tea and cookies.”

  “Oh, thanks,” Sarah said. “I’m not a big tea drinker, though. I’ll just get a glass of water if that’s OK,” she said as she headed toward the kitchen.

  Veronica gave me a panicked look. “You haven’t tried Zelda’s tea, though,” she said, walking over to Sarah, sounding cheerful. “It’s really good. I never drank tea until I tried hers. I just finished heating some up.”

  Sarah threw up her hands. “OK. I guess I’ll try it. You need help?”

  “Sure. You can help me carry out the cookies.”

  I headed outside, taking in my surroundings. It was as good of a spot as any I decided. Was it really going to work the way I planned? All I had to do was decide? The light always lingered around me now, so it seemed like it would be just that easy.