by Diana Scott
“I have no proof of anything. I must discover a new meeting place and wait for him to come.”
“Then leave him alone and let him rot in his own shit!”
I get up from the sofa and walk towards the terrace window trying to recover the air that barely reaches my lungs. Events overwhelm me. The world that I thought was waiting for me on my return has disappeared and I don't know where to begin. I am surrounded by a sea of lies in which I take part in and I am not able to flee.
I would like to forget about murderers, accidents, mafias and babies. I am exhausted from hearing stories of superheroes and criminal villains. I just want someone to hug me in the evenings and smile at me in the mornings. It so hard to unite heart and reality!
“I'm not going to let them kill him, and I know you won't either, not after what he's done for you.”
“For me? For me! But what are you talking about? He married that woman although he could refuse, I begged him to forget everything and escape with me but he refused. He's planning revenge, but I don't know against whom or why. And you tell me that he did it for me?” I grumble almost screaming as I cling tightly to the library in the living room to calm myself and not throw the Encyclopedia of Hispanic Art at his head, volume one and two together.
“I gave everything for him... I asked him not to be afraid, that together we could face anything but he didn't want to. He accuses me of abandoning him but as soon as I left he left her pregnant, the sheets had my smell but he slept with her. Are you asking me to help you? Why Suraj! Why? Reed refuses to see me, I know I love him and that even if anger dominates me, tomorrow I'll run to his arms because I'm such an idiot, but you, why are you asking for my help?”
“Anne, you're wrong, Reed has a chance to regain his mobility but to accomplish that he needs to want to do it. Since you left he lost the will for everything. He refuses the treatment. If he doesn't fight to recover, Falconi could take advantage of his weakness and cut his throat at any time. Anne, you have to help me.”
I sigh exhausted but as always when it comes to Reed Blackman, I give in. That is my destiny.
“What do you want me to do?”
“You're the only one who can make him wake up from his self-pity and force him to start therapy”.
“It won't work, he hates me, he's asked me to leave and never come back,” my voice reflects my physical and mental fatigue.
“He's hurt.”
“What about me? He's expecting a baby from another women, how am I supposed to have the heart?”
Suraj comes up to me and hugs me tightly. I hate to accept his comfort, after all, he is his best friend but I am not able to deny his gesture.
“You will make him wake up.”
“You are too confident.”
“I know him well.”
Suraj kisses my head and separates with tenderness to go towards the door.
“I'll pick you up tomorrow at five o'clock in the afternoon. We'll go during the visiting hours, you'll sneak in with a card I managed to steal for you.”
“I thought the cops didn't do those things.”
“To desperate situations...”
“Desperate solutions.”
“Exactly. Don't be late because I don't want to upset Raymond,” I look at him curiously while he answers me with a smile. “His therapist. A guy with quite particular techniques.”
“Suraj, I don't want you to come with me. This is something I have to do alone.”
“Are you sure? Lately my friend is not a man who can be considered too kind.”
“Reed and I have a lot to clarify. If we want this to work, let me try it my way.”
He nods softly and turns to leave when I ask him from the portal.
“All this hate from Reed is because Falconi was the sexual master of his mother?”
“Partially.”
“And the ambush, what was that about? What were you looking for?”
I look at him waiting for an answer, but Suraj doesn't answer. He stops in front of the stairs without saying a word. We both remain static. In my door I wait for an answer and he, in front of the corridor, analyzes the worn paint on the wall.
“If it wasn’t for his mother, then why? Suraj, who else has Falconi hurt?”
“A child," he spat with hate before rushing down the stairs.
A child? Who is he talking about? I don't understand anything.
I close the door and lean on it with a cold that runs through my body. I have a mission and although I am dying to execute it, I have no idea how. Suraj asked me if I wanted to help him. Of course I do! I want that and hundreds of other things but the question is if I'll be able to assume a past as dark as its owner.
I'm supposed to stand in front of him and be the strong one, but what's the attitude I'm supposed to take? Friends? Ex-lovers? And how am I supposed to convince him to start his therapy when he won't even see me? God, I'm in a mess that will lead me straight to madness.
Self-esteem searches on Google for straitjackets while I pray I'm not making the worst of my mistakes.
See You Again
I go into the rehab room so immerse in my thoughts that I almost fall on one of the exercise ladders. The room is huge. The white of the walls shine with the intense light that enters through the wide windows. Through the window you can see a green and quiet meadow that inspires feelings of hope. The most expensive and modern machines are spread throughout the large room, it is clear that the hospital is not one of the cheapest in the city. Definitely very Reed Blackman.
I look back and forth both nervous and quite hopeful, but what if he throws me out again, how am I supposed to react? Clearly, with all the stubbornness I am capable of. After days of crying, unanswered questions and many curses out loud, I have accepted resignedly that I am stupidly in love. They say that opportunities are like trains that only pass once and I am too in love to let him go. If I have to jump on the tracks, so be it. Self-esteem ducks to adjust the Nike Air.
My eyesight locates him. I walk slowly as I repeat mantras of self-improvement. It's not that I believe much in those things, but at times like this any help is too little.
You can, I am, don't give up... the change is in you, you can, the change is in you, the power is in you.... I repeat as I walk decided, smiling and brave, the change is in you, the power is in you...
“Fucking torturer, forget about me!”
Oh Lord, the power is not in me! We’re getting out of here, that's what my legs thought, trying to escape while they could.
Not Anne! You're not a coward, well maybe a little but we're here to recover the love of your life and you're not going to run away. I nod answering myself as I was mentally disturbed while Self-esteem rushes to Google "symptoms of a crazy woman".
“You fucking nigger! Get away from my sigh,” Reed roars with all his strength.
“So you're racist too.”
The huge Afro-American man smiles, leaving his white teeth in sight while holding Reed’s almost inert but very badly spoken body under his armpits. And I thought I could...
“Fucking asshole! Put me back in my chair.”
“It's going to be no. Try to hold on to the bars.”
“You know I won't do it.”
“And you know I'll insist. Why don't you try it and we'll save our little speech?”
“You ignorant nigger, don't you see I can't!?”
“If you try to annoy me, I warn you that I have received worse insults. I've been called "black horse dung," "asshole," "I shit on your mother's memory," he says while scratching his chin. "Or was it my father's memory? Well now I don't remember exactly but I'm sure they shit on a relative.
“Crazy bastard...”
“Look at that, I’ve been called like that before but separately. Blackman, a point for you! Now, enough of this bullshit. Hold on to the bar because I'm not going to say it again.
“Would you let me fall? I'm a poor cripple, you wouldn't dare...” Reed's bad mood resounds loudly all ov
er the gym.
My eyes open in fright when the big guy without any remorse releases the body of "the poor cripple" into the void. It falls badly on the floor and although it was padded I am sure that the bump has not been anything soft.
“You fucking son of a bitch!”
Reed screams from the floor while the attendant laughs out loud and I run desperately to help him. I don't think, I don't think clearly, I just act. I walk the few meters that separate us and I kneel on the floor offering him my arms to support him. My heart beats widly and I am barely able to control my agitated breathing. Don't reject me, I whisper to myself... don't reject me...
My hands hold him tightly begging not to lose him. The warmth of his body under my fingers reminds me of those caresses that I thought were forgotten and that I die to feel again. I don't know how long we've spent just looking at each other. Neither of us is capable of speaking. Our bodies speak for themselves. Lose you? Live without you? How could that be possible if with the simple aroma of your perfume I forget that the world exists. Lies, fears, confusions, jealousy, whatever, all of them are destroyed with your simple contact.
“What are you doing here..?” He babbles between his teeth.
“I wanted to see you.”
“You've seen me already, now go away and don't come back.”
He lowers his gaze while the coldness of his words makes me fall backwards disoriented. What's going on? My skin is bristly like yours just by looking at each other eyes. That electricity always existed between us. Don't you feel it anymore? I try to recover the courage but it must be hidden behind one of the chairs because I am not able to find it.
“I need to know how you are, how you feel, I...”
“Ah, is that it? Well, I'll answer you, you'll see, I'm phenomenal. Some invalid legs, enjoying the hard floor because of the bloody bastard of my physiotherapist but on top of that, I'm fucking great. Now that you have all the information you were looking for, you can leave.”
I wanted to answer, to explain myself, but the nurse's huge brown hand lifted me off the floor.
“I'm Raymond, a pleasure.”
“Oh yes, thank you, it's Anne, Anne Foster,” I answer while I put my clothes on. “Aren't you going to help him?”
“The assistant smiled with enormous mischief.”
“Not until he begs me. The rest of us are not to blame for his misfortunes.”
“You fucking son of a bitch, will you do me a favor and help me?” Reed asks angrily while his arms are tense from the situation. His hand removes his black hair insistently as always when he is nervous. It's a gesture that I discovered some time ago that he can't control and that tells me that I'm not as indifferent to him as he wants me to believe.
“And that's how with good manners you get everything.”
I remain undaunted by the answer. Good manners? But he just called him son of a bitch. God, these two are made for each other.
The Afro-American giant held him tightly by his waist and put him in the wheelchair. Reed is no small man, but the attendant lifted him up like a simple breastfeeding baby.
“Well, I think that the young lady would like to spend a few minutes with this curmudgeon alone.”
“The lady is leaving now.”
“Blackman! To be the only person who cares about you, I think you should be nicer to her.”
“That she cares for me? Miss Foster doesn't care about me at all," he replied without looking at me. “She's leaving, that's what she always does, isn't it, Anne?”
“You don't have to talk to me like that...”
The pain is noticeable in my words. His condition hurts me, his indifference hurts me and his irony hurts me.
“I leave you two alone,” the attendant tries to leave but Reed's roar leaves him speechless.
“I'll do the exercises, I'll accept your hateful presence without complaining, but I want you to take her with you.”
“Reed," I whisper with sorrow. “Don't do this...”
“Blackman!” Raymond screams furiously.
“Do you accept or you don't, you fucking bastard? It's the best deal I'll ever offer you.”
“I'm not going to leave. We have to talk, I want to...”
“You want? You want! I don't give a damn about what you want. Look at me Anne, I'm tied to a chair that I'll never be able to leave, what are you supposed to want? Have you come out of pity? Do you want to offer me your politely consolation, do you feel sorry for me? I save you the effort. Go away and forget that we once knew each other, disappear as you always do. It's something you're very good at.”
“No, you're not aware of what you're saying...” I reproach him with annoyance while I shake my head.
“You bastard nigger! Either you take her out or I won't keep my promise. You decide.”
“Miss, I think I should accompany you to the door.”
“No! Just a minute," I beg Raymond. “I didn't escape. Listen to me, you have to listen to me.” I try to hold his face so that he looks at me, but he shakes free from my grip.
“Miss, please. You'd better get out.”
Reed turns the chair not to look at me while the huge attendant gently squeezes my shoulder.
“Come with me to the door.”
“No! He can't do it. I know him, he's just trying to hurt himself. I can't allow it...”
I speak non-stop but the attendant doesn’t listen to me, he simply guides me with determination towards the door. As I leave, I hold on to the wall, dizzy from my thoughts. I feel guilty, does he really thinks I left him to his fate? That's not true! It isn't! Did I leave him to his fate? No! It's not like that, they're just cheap excuses. Compassion? No, damn it, no! I'm not here out of pity. Self-esteem hits the wall with a kick.
“Anne... May I call you Anne?”
“Yes.”
“You don't have to pay much attention to him. He's not aware of what he's saying.”
“Yes, he is. He thinks I abandoned him, but it's not true. It was he who decided for both of us. I had no choice but to leave. How could I bear to see him with another woman? No! This time he won't decide for me. I will be by his side whether he likes it or not.” I turn decided but Raymond doesn't move.
“Anne, I don't think I can let you back in.”
The two-body wide attendant stands in front of the door as he crosses his arms to show me his determination.
“Raymond, wasn't it Raymond?”
“Yes.”
“You see, you have to let me pass, the situation was too much, the impact of seeing him so weak and angry made me confused for a few seconds but now I'm fine and I'm able to face that stubborn man.”
“And I don't deny it,” he answers me with a wide smile.
“Well, then let me enter.”
“I won't do it.”
“Raymond, you don't understand, Reed seems like a bad-tempered man, grumpy and even indifferent cold but he's not.
“No?” He arches a curious eyebrow.
“No, he’s just protecting himself. When you've had a hard time you get used to being your only refuge and your only safeguard, and Reed has only lived through sorrows but when you get to know him you realize that he's a kind, protective and very lovely man.”
“Lovely?”
“Let me pass, he needs me," I say nervously when I feel misunderstood. “Raymond, I can help him...”
“And I don't deny it, the more I hear you speak, the more I convince myself that you are the right person.”
“Will you let me try again? Please Raymond, I swear I'm the one he needs. That stubborn man will start therapy. Between the two of us, we will make him walk again. I'm not willing to give up. I'll be his worst nightmare.”
“I believe you, his wounds are treatable, and although it won't be a road of roses, he must try”.
“Well, let me enter!”
I scream in despair as I watch through the glass how a chubby nurse pulls the wheelchair to take Reed through the opposite door.
&nbs
p; “Today is not the moment. Blackman refuses any kind of treatment and I'm afraid your presence has shocked him much more than he wants to acknowledge. His head is currently in the same state as his body. His mind sometimes reacts lethargic and confused, but in others he reacts aggressively and hopelessly," he says as he stares at me with his bright black eyes. “I can tell that you love him and from his reaction it is clear that you are not indifferent to him but you must give him time. His life has become a big puzzle of pieces that don't fit together. Go home, calm down, reconsider what you have seen and if you want to return tomorrow I will be by your side.”
“I'm not going to abandon him.”
“You are the only one who knows that," he says seriously. “I've seen a lot of couples collapse in situations like this. Don't be hasty; think if you're willing to do the sacrifice. Rehabilitation is exhausting, maybe we won't even get anything.”
I open my eyes frightened by that answer, it's not what I expected to hear.
“Blackman has a long way to go, if you're ready come back tomorrow, but if you don't think you're capable of doing it, it's better that you leave and don't come back," he says and goes down the long hospital corridor leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I sigh tired and frustrated. "He may never walk again... be prepared...". Am I? Of course I am! My feelings for Reed are no spring flower. I don't need anything to think about, I'll be here tomorrow, just like the next day, and the next, and the next, until he regains his trust and his love for me. I'll make him remember what's ours even if I have to open his head like a ripe watermelon for it.
My phone vibrates inside my bag and I take it out without wanting to. Ah, it's a message, thank goodness I'm not in the mood for social conversations.
Maurizio
Hello beautiful. You don't know how much I miss you.
17:38
I put my mobile back in the bag without answering as I walk to the door. Tomorrow will be another day and I am ready to return. I'll come back again and again and again until that stubborn man understands that I'm not quitting. Another notification from WhatsApp, probably Maurizio, I will answer him tomorrow.
