Boo Hiss

by Rene Gutteridge

  Wolfe chuckled. Perhaps there was an element of normalcy in Butch after all.

  “Holding the sack open,” Butch said, as if Wolfe couldn’t see for himself what was going on. But he kept silent. “Sliding the heads in. There we go. Good boys. See, they like it.”

  Wolfe couldn’t help but notice that it was that kind of innocently optimistic line that would always get one of his characters killed off. See? Theres nothing to be afraid of. And that would seal their doom.

  But surprisingly, Bob and Fred went into the bag easily. Wolfe held the tail, then helped the snake on in. Once it was inside, Butch drew up the strings that closed the bag. Both men let out a huge sigh of relief. Butch stuck out his hand for Wolfe to shake and said, “Well done.” Pride swelled in Wolfe’s chest.

  “Okay, let’s hoist this through the window and get out of here. Gordon and Alda could be back any minute. Help me put the feed sacks back.”

  They stacked them, then Butch carried the sack with Bob and Fred over to the window. “You’re taller, so you’re going to have to hand this up to Oliver.”

  “Me?” Oliver gasped. “I don’t think so.”

  “It’s in the laundry sack, Oliver. He can’t bite you. And boa bites aren’t fatal anyway,” Butch said.

  “However, Melb’s can be.” Wolfe smiled a little.

  “Oh, all right. Hand it up.” Wolfe hoisted the bag up, and Oliver grabbed it and pulled it through the window.

  “Wolfe, you’re going to have to help me up, and then move a box over, and we’ll pull you through.”

  Wolfe lifted Butch by the foot, and he crawled through. Then Wolfe went to get a small box to give him the extra inches he needed. As he was pulling himself through the window, Butch said, “Hurry! I hear a car coming.”

  Wolfe looked toward the gravel road but didn’t see anything. He scrambled through the window and got to his feet.

  “Come on!” Butch said, and the three men raced toward the group of trees where Oliver had parked the station wagon. “Hurry, boys!”

  As they were running, the snake juggling by Butch’s side, Wolfe was trying to decide how best to break the news to Butch about Sam. But then Butch stopped in his tracks, and Wolfe and Oliver did, too.

  “What’s wrong?” Wolfe asked.

  Butch turned back to the house. In the distance, a cloud of dust encircled a truck as it headed for the farmhouse. “The window. We forgot to close it.”

  “Come on, we gotta go,” Wolfe urged.

  “No. I have to go close it. I don’t want them to suspect anything.” Butch took a deep breath and handed the sack to Wolfe. “You go. Get the snake out of here. I’m going to go shut the window. I’ll meet you back at Oliver’s house.”

  “How are you going to get back?”

  “The same way I came, Wolfe. Now go.”

  Wolfe and Oliver took off. Wolfe glanced back once to find Butch edging carefully toward the farmhouse. They finally reached the car, where Sam stood leaning against the door.

  “Sam!” Oliver huffed. “Open the hatch! It’s the button conveniently located by the driver’s seat.”

  The back door of the station wagon flipped open, and Wolfe put the snake in the back.

  The three men, including Sam, stood catching their breath.

  “I hope Butch will be okay,” Oliver said.

  “He will be.” Wolfe looked at the car. “Who’s going to sit in the backseat … in front of the snake?”

  Each man was shaking his head vigorously.

  “I’m in front,” said Sam.

  “Me too,” said Oliver.

  “I’m not sitting anywhere near that snake,” said Wolfe.

  Oliver smiled. “Well, luckily for us, this particular model of station wagon will fit three adult men comfortably up front. Plus everyone gets a cup holder.”

  Melb folded the last of her clothes and closed her suitcase. It was going to be hard leaving this comfortable though warm house. If she didn’t know better, she might think she was living with a couple of reptiles, the way they had the heat cranked. But Ainsley was right. It was time for her to face reality.

  And she was up for it. For the first time in weeks she felt energized, including a tingle of excitement for the baby. She was also starting to crave healthier foods, like chicken-fried steak instead of chocolate cake. So maybe there was something to Ainsley’s obsession with health food. Ainsley told her that if she listened carefully, her body would tell her exactly what it was needing. Right now it was french fries.

  But she didn’t have the time. She had to get packed and get back to the house. She wanted to surprise Oliver. She knew he was missing home and that work had been hard on him lately. She intended to go home and prepare a big dinner. Carrying her suitcase, she walked downstairs.

  But she was surprised to find Ainsley crying in the kitchen.

  “Ainsley?” Melb touched her shoulder.

  Ainsley jumped and then buried her face in her hands.

  “Oh, honey, don’t cry We’re still going to see each other. Seriously. There’s going to be plenty of time for us.”

  Ainsley rolled her face sideways to look at Melb. “That’s not why I’m crying.”

  “Oh.”

  Ainsley sat up and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “Melb, I’m feeling so inadequate. I’ve never had a self-esteem problem my whole life. Even when my mother died, Dad gave me so much attention and love that I’ve never doubted myself one day in my life. But now I wonder if I’ve just been fooling myself all these years.”

  “How so?”

  “I just always thought I was really good at what I do, you know? But now I’m seeing that maybe I’m not quite as good as I thought.”

  “Honey, you’re the best cook I know.”

  “But I’m talking about the complete package. Sure, I can cook. But can I cook with the proper makeup on?”

  Melb was lost. And somewhat distracted by the pastry left on the table. She tried to focus back on Ainsley.

  “Honey, I’m sorry, I’m not following.”

  “There’s a new woman in town.”

  Melb perked up. “A new woman?”

  “You’ve been on bed rest, so you probably haven’t seen her. But she’s … she’s … “ “What?”

  “Perfect.”

  “How so?”

  “In every way, Melb. Her hair, her makeup, her clothes, her son, her husband, her car. You should see how she carries herself. It’s confident but not snobby.” Ainsley sniffled. “Melb, have you ever met someone that you consider a better version of yourself?”

  Melb thought for a moment. “I guess had I had a chance to meet her, Princess Di.”

  “Right,” Ainsley sighed. She blotted her face and then offered a smile. It was the same smile she plastered on her face right before she was about to offer a diced vegetable. “Listen, Melb, I’m really proud of you. I think that every day this baby is inside you, you’re going to grow to love him or her more and more.”

  “I feel good,” Melb said. “I’m going to go home, clean up the house, and enter back into my world. It’s going to be hard, but if I hurry, I can make it back in time to see my soap!”

  Ainsley laughed.

  “Ainsley, listen, whoever this woman is, whatever she’s like, I can’t imagine her being more warm or kind than you are.” Melb reached out and squeezed her into a hug. “Keep your head high. I know one thing is for sure. She can’t make a pastry like you can. You’re the absolute best! Can I take the rest of this home?”

  “Sure,” Ainsley smiled, and pulled out the tinfoil.

  “I’ll load the car. Back home I go!”

  Comfortably seat three grown men was a bit of an overstatement. They sat shoulder to shoulder as Oliver drove back toward town. Sam sat in the middle, and Wolfe was on the outside.

  “I’m sorry to take you away from work like this,” Wolfe said. “I know you’ve got that big car thing going on down there, and it’s probably a nightmare to leave.”

&nbs
p; “I made it up. There is no big thing going on at the lot. I just couldn’t be around Melb anymore. She was driving me crazy. I thought I was literally going to go insane. I knew Melb was in good hands with Ainsley, so I gave myself a little break.”

  “Are you and Melb okay?”

  “You know how when you open the refrigerator, and you see a plastic bowl of leftover spaghetti and meatballs, you get all excited because it’s exactly what you were craving? You open it up, and to your surprise, it’s not spaghetti and meatballs, it’s chicken marinara. You love chicken marinara. It’s one of your favorites. But you thought you were getting spaghetti and meatballs, so you’re trying to adjust your taste buds for the new dish.”

  Wolfe wasn’t sure he was following.

  “Melb is the love of my life. She always will be. But I guess after the wedding, you start realizing you may not have married the meatballs. You may have married the marinara.”

  “Gotcha … “ Wolfe cleared his throat. He was getting hungry.

  Sam said, “Where are you two going to keep the snake?”

  “At Oliver’s house, just for now,” Wolfe said. “Their house is empty since they’re staying with us. And I’m thinking by tonight we’ll be able to connect with Dustin and get the snake back to him.”

  “Why not just take the snake over now?”

  “Butch wants to avoid that Leonard Tarffeski fellow. Says he’s bad news and that he wants to capture Bob and Fred just for the black market. Butch has a weird soft spot for lost pets. He doesn’t want Tarffeski around.”

  “I think the guy’s kind of cool, with his accent and all,” said Oliver.

  “I don’t know. All I know is that this town is going to rest easier when that snake is back where it should be.”

  “I’ll sayyyyy!! Ahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!” The car started weaving violently from one side of the road to the other. Wolfe hit the right side of his head on the window, and then banged the left side of his head with Sam’s. “Ahhhh! Ahhh!”

  “Oliver!” Wolfe screamed over the madness. “Oliver, slow down!!”

  But Oliver kept weaving and speeding and shrieking. Wolfe managed to notice that he was staring into the rearview mirror more than at the road. Were the farmers after them? When Oliver stopped weaving for a moment, Wolfe turned around but saw nothing out the back window except a dust cloud.

  Oliver was stuttering, trying to say something. Sam was pale. Wolfe was about to ask what in the world he thought was following them when he saw it. Bob and Fred’s heads, slithering over the top of the backseat.

  “They’ve escaped the bag!” Wolfe shouted.

  “I know!” Oliver shouted back.

  “Pull over, pull over!” Wolfe urged. But on gravel, going high speed, it was nearly impossible to slow down quickly, and the car fishtailed, causing Bob and Fred to tumble forward into the backseat. As soon as the car stopped, the men fell out.

  “Close the door!” Wolfe hollered at Oliver, and Oliver slammed his door shut.

  Oliver was trembling from head to toe. “Now what?”

  Wolfe peered through the station wagon window to see what Bob and Fred were doing. They didn’t look happy, especially Bob.

  Wolfe closed his eyes and, with confidence worthy of Butch Parker, said, “We’re going in.”

  CHAPTER 22

  SAM HAD TO DRIVE BACK to Oliver’s, Wolfe was banished to the backseat to make sure the snake didn’t escape again, and Oliver was busy checking his own heart rate.

  “I can tell you one thing,” Oliver finally said after much silence and heavy breathing, “that snake is not going inside my house. Not even for a minute.”

  “Look,” Wolfe said, “well get to your house, leave the snake in the car, and wait for Butch. When he arrives, we can come up with a new game plan.”

  Sam said, “Well, I’ll tell you one thing, this station wagon handles beautifully! I feel like I’m driving a luxury sports car.”

  Oliver managed a smile. “I knew you’d like it, Sam. And as you saw, it handles erratic driving pretty well too.”

  Once they arrived at Oliver’s house, Oliver said he needed a drink. Wolfe looked in the back of the station wagon. He’d double-knotted the laundry sack, and Bob and Fred hadn’t moved much since. Maybe they were enjoying the mouse. He prayed they wouldn’t swallow each other’s heads. The men already had enough on their hands as it was.

  Oliver was stumbling toward his front door, large sweat circles under his arms. Sam followed. Wolfe shut the door and prayed Butch would arrive quickly … and safely. That’s all he needed—Butch held at gunpoint by Farmer Gordon. Plus, he wanted to brag a little about how he got the snake back in the sack by himself, despite Oliver’s screaming unhelpful suggestions behind him.

  Inside, Oliver was barely able to hold the cup still, but he managed a few swigs. “That was by far the scariest thing I’ve ever done.”

  Wolfe smiled. “But you have to admit, it was quite an adventure.”

  “The reason I stay in Skary, Indiana, is because nothing exciting ever happens. I’m about ready to move to the big city. I thought I’d seen it all last February. I guess not.” He took another swig, then raised his glass to Sam and Wolfe. “You two want some orange juice?”

  Sam said, “No, I’m good, Oliver. But I tell you, I’m seriously considering the wagon. Great handling.”

  Oliver smiled. “I know. And leather seats; just in case you accidentally wet yourself, it cleans up great. Not that I did, but if you did, it would.” Oliver poured himself more orange juice.

  Wolfe stepped to the back door and opened it. He needed some fresh air. He was worried about Butch. How long should they wait before they went after him? Butch had impressed him. The way he handled that snake without any hint of fear. No … despite his fear. Something in him said that Butch was going to be just fine.

  Nevertheless, he prayed this day would be over soon.

  Oliver and Sam joined him on the back porch as Oliver was explaining air bag features.

  Melb saw the station wagon as Ainsley pulled into their driveway. Her heart swam with love. “Would you look at that?”

  “What?” Ainsley asked.

  “The station wagon! Oliver must’ve turned in his BMW for a more family-friendly car. Isn’t he just a treat?”

  “It looks like a nice one.”

  “Oliver is a dream. I’m going to fix him his favorite TV dinner tonight. He’s going to be so glad to be home, to have life back to normal.” She patted her belly. “Well, almost normal.” She squeezed Ainsley’s hand. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. How about you?”

  “More than fine. Thanks for being such a good friend.” Melb stepped out of the car and pulled her bag from the backseat. She felt a bit like clicking her heels and singing a Julie Andrews song. Ainsley drove off, and Melb stood in the driveway of their home, taking in the smell of grass and trees. Life was good. God Himself had to have put this baby inside her. He believed she could be a good mother, so why shouldn’t she? She was capable of maternal instincts, especially if she would stop watching those stupid soaps, where not a maternal instinct could be found. Yes, today was the first day of the rest of her life. She was going to conquer it without fear. She would be determined! Capable! And joyful!”

  Melb marched up her driveway toward the station wagon. It was a light blue … Perhaps Oliver was hoping for a boy? She giggled and peeked inside. Automatic, that was good. Looked to have “the package” as Oliver always liked to call it. Even leather seats! Wow!”

  She looked in the back and saw a bag of laundry. Poor Oliver. He had taken to doing his own laundry now. She didn’t blame him. Ainsley starched like they needed medieval armor. Melb dropped her suitcase and opened the back hatch. She pulled the bag out and almost dropped it! How many days had the man gone without his laundry done? She slammed the door shut and marched into the front door and str
aight into the laundry room. She put the sack on the floor.

  Her Oliver was going to have his laundry done just the way he liked it!”

  But it would have to wait. Her soap was on.

  Wolfe was rocking back and forth in one of Oliver’s patío chairs when he thought he saw movement inside the house. He jumped up, causing Sam and Oliver to stand, too.

  “Butch is back!” Wolfe said, running inside. Sam and Oliver followed. But they were all surprised that it wasn’t Butch standing in the living room. It was Melb.

  “Oliver!” she said, her hand slamming against her chest. “What are you doing here?”

  Oliver tried to contain his shock. “Oh, uh … you know … just … uh …”

  Sam stepped up. “I’m Sam Bavitt. You husband here is quite a salesman. He’s about to sell me a car on the first test drive.”

  “You must be an awfully special customer,” Melb smiled. “Oliver normally doesn’t invite his customers over!”

  The men all smiled and nodded. Melb didn’t seem to think it was odd Wolfe was there, but since he was unemployed, people saw him mostly as a drifter these days.

  Melb suddenly frowned. “It’s not the blue station wagon out there, is it?”

  “Yes! It’s a fabulous car. I’m looking forward to driving it home at a safe speed on a paved, two-lane, divided highway for my wife to see.”

  Melb looked disappointed. Oliver stepped forward. “Honey, what’s the matter?”

  “Oh, nothing. I just thought that it might be a surprise for me … and the baby.”

  “Sweetheart, listen. I would never pick out a car for you without you testing it first. And besides, if I’m not mistaken, you’re more of the minivan type, are you not? Especially with a sun roof, automatic doors, and hidden storage?”

  Melb grinned. “You know me well, Oliver.” She took his arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. “I’m back, my dear. We’re back. We’re going to be staying here.”

  “At the house?”

  “Yes! Ainsley and I had a long talk this morning, and I’m seeing things differently now.”