Boo Hiss

by Rene Gutteridge

  Oliver glanced sideways at Wolfe. He didn’t look happy. “What kinds of things … differently?”

  “Well, for starters, we need to be in our home. I need to be getting on with my life. We need to be setting up the nursery and planning. Now I know the snake is a concern, but the chances of the snake actually still being in our house or anywhere near our house are so slim that I don’t think it should dictate our whole lives!”

  This provoked a chorus of nervous chuckles.

  “You’re going to see a new me, Oliver. I’m inspired to be a better woman. A better mother. A better wife. You will never have to worry about your laundry again!”

  “Honey … um, I haven’t been worried. I mean, Ainsley’s been doing my laundry, and—”

  “Oh, Oliver. Always the gentleman. But the fact of the matter is that I saw the big bag of laundry in the car, and I happen to know you like a lighter starch. So fear not! Your laundry will be done by this evening!”

  Oliver stared at Wolfe, who tried to keep a steady, normal look on his face. Sam’s eyes were widening by the second. A lot of communication needed to take place with only a few subtle facial gestures to do it. Wolfe was nodding and grinning, trying not to mouth the words, We have to get her out of here!

  Oliver turned to Melb and said, “That’s urn … so nice of you. The laundry, I mean. Where, exactly, did you put the laundry?”

  “In the laundry room, silly,” Melb said, slapping his arm. “Listen, you want me to fix you a sandwich? Sam? Wolfe?”

  “No,” they all said in unison.

  Wolfe said, “Oliver, you know, last time I drove by your lot, I saw that amazing green minivan. That hasn’t sold yet, has it?”

  “Oh … urn … no, not yet,” Oliver said, his mock-joyful voice a little too forced, especially with the unusually large grin on his face. It looked like invisible fingers were pulling his lips back.

  “Maybe Melb would like to go and look at the minivan. Now.”

  “Oh, that can wait,” Melb said. “I’m over the station wagon. We’ve got plenty of time to decide on cars. I just want to stay in my house and enjoy it. I’ve missed this house! Your house is fine and everything, Wolfe, but it’s a little big and kind of on the warm side. You should consider a heat pump.”

  “I think we need to celebrate!” Oliver said, throwing up his hands, startling everyone in the room. “I want to take you out, Melb. Right now! I don’t want a second more to go by without us celebrating this new child! We haven’t even celebrated yet!”

  Melb looked amused. “That’s true. And I am looking pretty fabulous right now.”

  “Baby, I’m taking you to the new deli and buying you a double-decker!”

  Sam put his hands on his hips. “What about my car?”

  “Oh…uh…” Oliver looked to Wolfe for help.

  “Maybe I can finish up the paperwork for you, Oliver. I was, after all, trained by your very hand.” And fired, too, but why mention it?

  Wolfe could tell Oliver didn’t like the idea, but nobody had come up with anything better.

  “Sure. Why not?” Oliver squeezed Melb tightly. “Come on, honey. We’ll take your car, and they can drive the station wagon back.” Thank-fully, Melb’s car was parked in the driveway and not the garage. They all walked out the front door. Oliver was about to lock it, and Wolfe had to think quickly. He had to have access to the house. He wasn’t about to leave the snake there. Besides, Butch was going to arrive any minute.

  Wolfe doubled over, holding his stomach. “Oh …”

  “Wolfe! Are you okay?” Melb asked.

  “Yeah … I think I just need to go to the bathroom. I’m feeling a little … “ Wolfe peered up at Oliver, who looked like he wasn’t sure if Wolfe was faking it or not. Oliver looked a little nauseated too. “You guys go on,” Wolfe said, grimacing. “Oliver, Sam and I will lock up. I don’t want to spoil your day.”

  Oliver looked like he’d had enough, but he nodded. “Sure. Just lock up.”

  “I’ll call you,” Wolfe said, “as soon as the deal is closed.”

  Wolfe continued to hold his stomach as he watched Melb and Oliver pull out of the driveway. He then turned to rush into the house. Sam said, “I’m waiting here. I don’t want to see you get sick.”

  “I’m not really sick, Sam. I had to do that so I could go back inside.”

  “Whatever. I’m staying here.”

  “I’m going to get the snake.”

  “And then what?”

  “Then well figure out what to do with it.”

  “What about my car?”

  Wolfe sighed. “Yeah, okay. Well go, finish up your car, and you can be on your way.” He hurried inside and strode down the hallway. He opened the door to the small laundry room that led out to the kitchen.

  “No!” Wolfe grabbed his head as he stared at the laundry sack, flat against the floor. The tie was in a loose knot. Wolfe moaned as he looked around the laundry room. He tried to get a look behind the washer and dryer, but the space was so tight he didn’t have a good angle. There was certainly room for a snake to crawl back there.

  Then he noticed the small dog door that led out to the garage. Opening the garage door, he scanned the floor but saw nothing. Boxes and lawn equipment lined the walls, but it would take an hour or more for him look through everything. This snake seemed to be able to escape through anything, so who knew where it was now!”

  Wolfe closed the door to the laundry room and joined Sam outside. Sam was looking at his watch. Wolfe had already blown it with Oliver once. He didn’t want to blow it a second time, and he could tell how important this sale was to him.

  “Sam, lets get you to the sales lot so you can drive this baby home!” Wolfe tried his most enthusiastic expression. But all he could think about was that the snake was now loose in Oliver and Melb’s house, and Butch had yet to turn up. Plus, his car was on the side of a country road. He couldn’t have made up better conflict in a book if he’d tried.

  Lois stepped back, framed the stage with her fingers, and extended her hand with a gesture that indicated Mariée should begin.

  Marilee cleared her throat.

  “Stop, stop!” Lois said, waving her hands. “Mariée, you can’t clear your throat. First of all, you sound like a man when you do that. The second I indicate you should begin, you must be in total and complete character. You’re not just saying lines here. You must become Lotus. You must think like her. Do you understand?”

  Mariée nodded. “I think so. But I’ve got ten more minutes, and then I’ve got to go color my hair.”

  “No, no, no, no. No!” Lois shook her head. “Don’t you understand her?”

  Mariée stood in the middle of the stage, blinking. They’d been at this for two hours. It was past lunchtime, and Lois was growing hungry and irritated. Even with the extra work, Mariée didn’t seem to be catching on. She could certainly stand up there and look poised, but Lotus was more than just a striking pose. She had a certain depth and majesty to her. There was the outward Lotus, but then there was the inward Lotus. Mariée so far had managed to capture the way she would wear her eye shadow, but that was just about it.

  Lois walked up onstage and straight to where Mariée stood. “Lotus,” she said, “would never, ever tell anyone that she colors her hair.”

  Mariées mouth was hanging open, which of course Lotus would never be caught dead doing. Lois gently took her finger to the bottom of her chin and pushed her mouth closed.

  “Mariée, it is more than just talking. It is more than just making sure that you say all your lines while standing to the left, so your good side will show. Oh yes, I’ve noticed. And there’s nothing wrong with that if you are able to pull off the character. Lotus is a complex woman, with a deep heart and a heart-wrenching decision to make. Two men love her.” Lois felt herself getting choked up. “Both men are worthy of her love. Don’t you see the tragedy in all this?”

  Mariée sort of shrugged. “I think it’s cool. I’ve never had t
wo men in love with me before.”

  Lois sighed. “Go on. I’ll see you tonight at the rehearsal. I appreciate that you took the time to come by and work on it.” Lois watched Mariée bound down the stage stairs, grab her bag, and disappear.

  Lois walked off the stage and gathered her things. Just a few short nights until the play. Things were not coming together like she’d planned. Most everyone was doing okay, and she had to admire the cast for working hard on their lines, but beyond that, it was just a bunch of people onstage making their way through.

  Behind her, she heard clapping. She whirled and saw someone walking up the aisle, emerging from the shadows. “Hello?” Lois said.

  “Hi.” It was Butch Parker, Sheriff Parker’s son.

  “Yes?” Lois said. She wasn’t sure she’d ever really talked to his son before.

  “I’m Butch Parker, but then again you already know that, don’t you?

  “I suppose I do. What can I do for you, Butch?”

  “Do you have a moment?”

  “Sure, I guess.”

  “Good. I’m here to talk about my dad.”

  Leaving Sam in Oliver’s office to fill out some additional paperwork on the car he was trading in, Wolfe rushed to a vacant office to call the sheriff’s house. Again. It rang and rang, with no answer. Wolfe couldn’t remember feeling this fretful since he was courting Ainsley. His imagination was running wild about where Butch might be. Still at the farmhouse? Exhausted from a long walk home? Waiting at Oliver’s house, wondering where everyone was?

  Wolfe slammed down the phone and went back to see about Sam. He had a lot to do, the least of which was to somehow communicate to Oliver that the snake was most likely loose in his house somewhere. But the first order of business was to get Sam off and running with his new car. Then he could concentrate on other things. He brushed his sweaty hair back and tried to look at least somewhat urbane.

  “Sam!” he said boisterously as he rounded the corner into Oliver’s office. But Sam was holding his head in his hands. The pencil was sitting on the desk. “Sam?”

  Sam looked up at Wolfe and flopped back in his chair, like he’d just been told he had six months to live.

  “Sam?” Wolfe scooted around Oliver’s desk and sat in his chair. “What’s wrong? Some hard questions there on the paperwork? Just skip over them. No big deal, okay?”

  Sam was shaking his head. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

  “Know …”

  “I’m having buyer’s remorse, I think.”

  “What? No! No. No buyer’s remorse. It’s probably just indigestion.”

  “I’m sitting here thinking, what kind of guy buys the first car he finds on the first test drive he takes?”

  “The kind of guy who knows what he wants in life, that’s who!”

  “It’s a station wagon. Diverse, yes. Practical, of course. Perfect for hauling the dogs around. But is it sexy?”

  Were they still talking about cars? He’d not once thought of a car in that way, but then again, he wasn’t in the car business. He tried to think as Oliver would.

  “Well,” he began carefully, “it depends on what you’re looking for in a wo—car. If you’re looking for one that’s going to land on the cover of a … magazine … then the station wagon is probably the wrong car for you. But you’re a deeper man than that, Sam. You know that life isn’t all about flashy … paint, and urn, high-priced tires. When you add it all up, don’t you want someone … thing … that you can depend on?”

  Sam rose and walked out of the office. Wolfe followed right behind him, joining him at the front as he gazed out the window at his Mustang parked just outside. For a long moment, he just stood there and stared at it. Wolfe bit his lip, willing himself not to say anything. Oliver had taught him that the first person who speaks loses. And no matter what, Wolfe was not going to speak first. So in the meantime, he found himself admiring the Mustang. It was a nice car.

  Finally, Sam spoke. “I think I’m more of a bikini guy.” He shrugged and looked sheepishly at Wolfe. “What can I say? I’m a lawyer. So I have to compensate in other ways.”

  A sharp pain sliced up Wolfe’s neck and over the top of his head, to right between his eyes. “Sam, please. I know it’s been kind of a crazy day.” He placed a hand on the man’s shoulder. “But you love this car. You were so eager to buy it back at Oliver’s house. You couldn’t wait to get here. Remember? What was it about the car that made you want to buy it? Right then and there?”

  “I don’t think it was the car, to tell you the truth. I think it was the adventure. I mean, it was dangerous, you know?” Sam said, clenching his fists. “I was driving the getaway car! That was hot! We could’ve been shot at! Or arrested!”

  “Life is full of adventure, right?”

  “I’m a small-town lawyer. Not really.” Sam patted him on the arm. “Sorry. But thanks for your time. Tell Oliver I’ll be back when I have more of an idea of what I want. Tell him I’ve got my eye on the gorgeous red number up front.”

  CHAPTER 23

  LOIS LAUGHED WITH DELIGHT. They’d been chatting for fifteen minutes or so. “Oh, Butch. You are so funny! You’re just like your dad. He’s always had such a great sense of humor.”

  “He’s a fine man,” Butch said.

  She glanced at her watch. “Well, it’s been completely wonderful getting to know you, Butch. I’m so glad you came by to introduce yourself. I’ve got to run and get ready for rehearsal tonight. We’re doing our first run-through.”

  “One more thing,” he said. “Before you go.”

  “What is it?” She loved the way Butch’s eyes twinkled, just like his father’s.

  “Lois, I think you’re a fine woman. I really do. And that’s why I’m here. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

  “Hurt?”

  “As you might have guessed, I figured out that you are seeing my dad.”

  “Sure. We’re not keeping it a secret.”

  Butch lowered his voice. “It’s just that … there’s another woman.”

  Lois grabbed her chest. It felt like she’d just been stabbed. “Another woman?” Lois whispered. “No, there can’t be. Your father is so fond of me. And while I realize … well, there’s another man involved … your father is completely aware of the situation.” Lois narrowed her eyes. “Who is she?”

  “The love of his life,” Butch said, a strange tenderness in his voice.

  “The love of his life? But he’s been forthright about his feelings for me.”

  “I know. He does that. He goes astray every once in a while. Sort of loses his mind. It’s not his fault, really. He gets confused.”

  Lois folded her arms. “Confused? He’s a grown man. Surely he knows what he wants.”

  “You would think. But my father just can’t seem to let her go.”

  “Who is she?”

  “I can’t say. It’s a very private matter for him.”

  “It’s Karla Lee Tucker, isn’t it?”

  “Who?”

  “The flirt. Hello? From the barber shop?”

  “Lois, it doesn’t matter who it is. I just thought it would be the right thing to do to come and tell you. My dad will always love this woman. He can’t help it. You’re such a lovely woman, you deserve someone who can give you their fiül attention.”

  Tears stung the corners of her eyes. She looked away, toward the stage. If only life could mimic art. If only endings could turn out just right.

  “Are you going to be okay?” Butch asked.

  Lois nodded, wiping her nose. “I’m not sure how I should handle this. I mean, it’s going to be a little awkward considering the play and all.”

  “Women always get the last laugh, don’t they, Lois? I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to bow out gracefully. Like calling it off first.” Butch was still smiling in that gentle manner … the same as his father. It gave a reassurance … a feeling of safety that went far beyond a deadbolt.

  Lois stood and hitched
her chin up a notch. Oh yes. She would get the last laugh. She would find a way to preserve her dignity. And the whole world would learn that Lois Stepaphanolopolis was a woman not to be reckoned with!”

  Sam had been kind enough to drop him off at Oliver’s house. Inside, Wolfe had looked under every sofa cushion, every blanket, in every dark corner, under every box, inside every cabinet. But the snake was nowhere to be found. He figured he should direct his attention to the house, first, as that would seem the more ominous place for Melb to discover the snake. Then he would move to the garage.

  Thankfully, in the confusion and chaos, he had forgotten to actually lock Oliver’s house up. Because of it, he’d gained access easily, and was now hoping for some sort of miracle. Either the snake or Butch showing up would be nice. Or even Sam returning with a change of mind.

  Just as he was making his way through a stack of towels in the bathroom, he heard the garage door go up. He froze, trying to decide what to do. He could sneak out the back door and run for it. Or he could do what Butch would do. With swift strides, he raced down the hallway toward the front door. And just as the back door to the garage opened, he slid into the coat closet.

  He kept his breathing shallow and tried not to sneeze. He could hear their voices as they came in through the garage and down the hallway. And he was realizing what an absolutely stupid idea this was. He’d lost his everlasting mind! Except that he thought there was a chance he could find the snake first. Being around Butch had somehow induced him to adopt this strange behavior. All he knew was he was in the Stepaphanolopolises’ coat closet, and hearing every word they spoke.

  “I like the name Susanna,” Melb said. “Or Shelly.”

  “I like Stephanie.”

  Stephanie Stepaphanolopolis? Hope she’s born a genius.

  They giggled, and he could hear them clanging around in the kitchen. He had a choice to make, and he needed to make it quickly. The way these two lovebirds were acting, he might be here all day. And even if Oliver left, Melb would still be here. Why hadn’t he thought this through? The only thing that would work was if Melb left and Oliver stayed home. Of course that wouldn’t happen! Oliver would surely be itching to get back to the car lot to see how everything was going.