Boo Hiss

by Rene Gutteridge

  “It’s … different.”

  “Hey, change is good. I’m not even making brownies for tonight. I decided to try a few new recipes, just for something different. And tomorrow, for Thanksgiving, I’m cooking a ham.”

  “You are?”

  “I am. A ham. Me. Can you imagine? So you want a sandwich?”

  “No. I’m going to go see Oliver this morning.”

  “I saw Melb at the store yesterday, and she looked great.”

  “Was Oliver with her?”

  “No. But she did say that Oliver has been worrying her lately, that he’s been acting strangely, pacing all around the house like a nervous cat. Maybe he’s growing a little anxious about the baby. I’m sure it will pass.”

  “I’ll see you after a while.” Wolfe pecked her cheek and got in his Jeep, complete with a new carburetor, to drive to Oliver’s house. Butch’s warning to tell no one about the snake seemed a distant memory. What harm could it do, really? Especially if he could get Oliver away from Melb, he knew Oliver would keep the secret, no matter how mad he was at him.

  He knocked twice on Oliver’s door before he answered. Oliver’s expression was nothing short of surprised. “Wolfe … what are you doing here?”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Um … now’s not a good time.”

  “Oliver, I know you’re mad at me, and I can understand that. I promise I won’t keep you long. Do you have to get to work?”

  “We always close the week of Thanksgiving. Listen, why don’t we—

  “Is Melb here?”

  “No. She’s out getting some last minute items for the Thanksgiving dinner.”

  “Great. Oliver, there’s something I have to tell you.”

  “Wolfe—”

  “I know you’re mad at me. Just hear me out. Please.” Wolfe edged around Oliver into the entryway. “We’re friends, and that’s the least you can do.”

  “I’m not mad. Really. I’m over it. I know you didn’t mean any harm. Seriously. We’re fine.”

  “Oliver, I came over to tell you that you don’t have to worry about the snake.”

  “Why?”

  “I can’t give you the details, but the snake is definitely not here in your house, and is in a very safe spot.”

  “Really?”

  “I wouldn’t lie to you. You’re my friend, and I feel horrible about what happened. You, after all, were just an innocent bystander. Can you forgive me?”

  Oliver was nodding, but Wolfe noticed a trickle of sweat. It glistened at his temple, then rolled down his cheek and under his chin. He slapped at it like it was a mosquito.

  “What’s wrong?” Wolfe asked.

  “Nothing. Off you go. I’ve got a ton of things to do. Thanks for stopping by, though. Glad about the news.”

  Oliver had turned Wolfe and was pushing him back toward the door when someone behind them said, “Well, well.”

  “Oh no,” Oliver groaned.

  Wolfe turned to find Leonard Tarffeski standing a few feet behind them, a slap-happy grin crinkling up his menacing eyes.

  “Tarffeski.” The very word sent a shiver down his spine. He looked at Oliver. “What is he doing here?”

  Oliver threw up innocent hands. “What? I thought I had a snake in my house. I knew if my pregnant wife found out, she’d have my head and then move me to another state. What was I supposed to do? It only made sense to call the snake hunter, no matter what you and Butch thought about him.”

  Tarffeski was still grinning. “Hmm. I can only imagine. So you say the snake is safe and sound, is it?”

  “Look, Tarffeski, you’re not getting to the snake. It will be returned to the owner. You have no business in Skary anymore. You should leave.”

  “It’s a free country, the last rime I checked. I’ve grown rather attached to this little town. Maybe I’ll stick around for a while. Love the coffee.”

  Wolfe looked at Oliver. “I can’t believe you called him!”

  “Hey, I’m the innocent bystander in all this. Remember?”

  Wolfe looked at Tarffeski, then at Oliver. This was just great. Now he’d really made a huge blunder. A scorching heat strangled his neck; he thought he might be having an anxiety attack. He quickly turned and went out the door, rushing to his Jeep.

  It wasn’t yet 10:00 a.m., but his nightmare was in frill force.

  Martin gulped down another cup of decaf while he sat in his car outside Lois’s house. He’d been there for two hours, but then realized maybe not everyone in the world rose as early as he did. He’d not checked in at the office yet, but right now, he didn’t care much about work. His loyalties were divided, and he knew it. He couldn’t concentrate on saving the town and loving Lois. One or the other had to give.

  So he’d decided to come over and talk to Lois. To wear his emotions on his sleeve. He was going to declare his love for her and make her decide. He couldn’t go on competing with the sheriff, no matter how much he respected the man. Maybe it was because he did respect him that he was forcing a decision. Whatever the case, he wanted Lois to know how he felt, just in case he hadn’t made it clear before.

  But since he’d arrived so early, he’d been having second thoughts. He’d fetched coffee twice just to kill time and try to get a clear head. He’d chosen decaf so he wouldn’t be jittery, but that hadn’t helped. His skin was crawling like a mountain of ants.

  And now he had to go to the bathroom. Great.

  He opened his door and stepped out carefully. For two hours he’d been trying to gauge whether Lois was awake, but he’d seen no signs of life. However, the curtains were drawn, so there was really no way to tell.

  It was ten. Everyone was up by ten. His stride was long and confident as he made his way to her front door. He knocked with a pleasant, gentlemanly tap and jutted his chin up just a notch for a show of subtle, manly confidence.

  But she didn’t come. Maybe she wasn’t home. Maybe she was already at the theater, getting ready for tonight’s performance. He was nervous about tonight. He wanted to do his best, but Lois was so much on his mind that he couldn’t think straight.

  Suddenly the door swung open. Lois was standing there in her pajamas, with her sleep mask perched on top of her head like a pair of sunglasses. She gave him a lazy smile.

  “Hi Lois. I didn’t wake you, did I?”

  “Well, sunshine, what brings you by? You haven’t been here in a while.”

  Martin hedged. Sunshine? She’d never called him that before. Maybe things were going a lot better than he thought. He tried to act cool. “Well, we’ve had a lot going on, you know, with the play and all.”

  “It’s a nice night. Maybe we should go for a walk.”

  “After the play, you mean?”

  “There you go again.” She blinked awkwardly against the mornings sun. “What do you want from me?”

  Martin swallowed. Was he supposed to tell her now? Like this? Well, she was asking.

  “I want your love, Lois. I want to love you for the rest of your life.”

  “New Mexico.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “You want to move to New Mexico?” Martin frowned. “Don’t you like Skary?”

  “I’d do anything for you, sunshine. You know that.”

  Martin covered his mouth, because he wasn’t sure what was getting ready to come out next. He thought it might be a marriage proposal. He’d always wanted to be the kind of guy that seized the moment.

  “So you love me too?” Martin asked.

  “New Mexico.”

  “Uh…?”

  “It’s the Land of Enchantment.”

  “Oh … right. Enchantment.” Martin was trying as hard as he could to be enchanting. But was it enough? He didn’t even have a ring. It was as if gravity were pulling his knee down. He kept looking into her eyes. And even in their strangely fixed, groggy state, they mesmerized him. As if in slow motion, his knee bent ever so slightly, and he lowered himself toward the welco
me mat on which he stood, his kneecap landing right on the C. His heart pounded like the hooves of racehorses.

  “Lois?”

  “This is what I’ve always wanted. I promise I’ll make you proud.”

  “It is?” Martin took her hand, and she looked down like she’d just noticed he was below her. “Lois, you’re the most terrific woman I’ve ever met. I think we would make a great couple. And I want to take care of you for the rest of our lives, no matter where in this crazy world we end up.” He wheezed out the next string of words. “Lois, will you marry me?”

  There was a long pause. Lois was staring at a nearby tree now, her eyes thoughtful and reflective. Martins chest was constricting. Maybe he should stand. His back felt like it was going to go out.

  But then, as graceful as a gazelle, she looked down at him, a loving softness in her eyes. And she said, as tenderly as he’d ever heard her speak, “I just want the very best for you. And if this is what you want, then we’ll make it happen.”

  Martin couldn’t blink. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe. Had she just said yes? Was that a yes?

  “I don’t have a ring,” Martin said, choking back emotion. “But I will get you one. I promise!”

  “You can just put it in the mail.”

  Martin stood up. “In the mail?”

  “Now I have to go. But you know how much I love you, right?”

  Martin nodded. Kind of. “I’ll see you tonight?” he asked, and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Good-bye.”

  “Good-bye.”

  Martin doubled his stride as he nearly skipped to his car. Lois was standing in the doorway, watching him. He gave her a toot on his horn as he drove off.

  This was by far the best, if not the strangest, day of his life! He was engaged!”

  Lois stepped back from the front door and didn’t bother to close it. She scratched her scalp and walked toward the kitchen. Why was there light all over the house? She looked down. Was she in her pajamas?

  She turned. Why was the front door open? She gasped and hurried to close it, peeking outside. Nobody was out there, and the street was quiet. The morning sun made her squint. She closed the door, then stood with her back against it for a moment. After a few minutes, the fog lifted.

  Lois slogged toward the kitchen, shaking her head. She must’ve been sleepwalking. She laughed as she stuck two pieces of bread in the toaster. She’d been in the middle of the strangest dream! How odd. She’d been dreaming of the time she’d gone to her father, whom she hadn’t seen in months, and asked if he would pay for her to attend college in New Mexico.

  She’d almost gone too. She’d been following a boy there. They’d broken up a few weeks before she was to enroll. And thank goodness, too. She’d realized after they broke up that college was not for her.

  There was no way she would’ve been able to engage in that kind of commitment.

  She glanced at the clock. She’d overslept! She had to hurry and get to the theater. Tonight was the big night!”

  Wolfe wondered why confessing everything to the reverend was not making him feel any better.

  “Wolfe,” the reverend said, “I know you’re anxious about all this, but I’m going to have to ask you to stop clawing the arm of the pew. We just refinished the wood.”

  Wolfe balled up his hand. “Sorry.”

  “You’re sure you’re not trying out a new novel idea on me? That’s quite a story.”

  “I wish.” Wolfe shook his head and then lowered it into his empty hands. “I feel horrible. I’ve made a huge mess, and I don’t know how to help the situation.”

  He felt the reverend’s hand on his back. “Listen, my friend. I’ve learned a few things recently. I was about ready to throw in the towel. Really, I was. I thought all these years I’ve been swimming upstream, making no progress, not helping anyone in any real way. But Sunday all that changed for me.”

  “Why?”

  “I realized there are certain things in my control, and certain things that aren’t. I can only control a very small part of the universe. It’s so minute nobody would even take a second look at it. But it’s what I can control, and nothing else. I thought this town was passing me by, you know? But I realized that the only thing that’s passing me by is life, if I don’t get up every day and expect God to do something big. He doesn’t always work in the way we think He should. I’ve been praying for this town for years. I didn’t expect an answer to arrive in a big coffee cup with a cell phone by its side. But here it is. And you know what? All I need to worry about is what God put me in charge of. God put me in charge of delivering His Word to His people every Sunday, and being here for the community in any way I can. I do that faithfully, and everything else will fall into place.”

  Wolfe was nodding, but he wasn’t sure how to apply it to his situation.

  “Wolfe, you can only control so much. Everything else will take its course.”

  “Everything you’re saying is true. But I have to tell you, I don’t feel much better.” He kept his hands folded in his lap to avoid any more damage to the furniture.

  “You know what I always do when I can’t seem to shake it off?”

  “What?”

  “Remind myself that no matter what is happening, there are others who have it worse off than I do.”

  The sanctuary doors flew open, and Martin Blarty rushed toward the reverend like he’d just witnessed a natural disaster. He was breathing hard, pumping his arms to increase his speed, when he finally reached them on the second pew from the front. “Reverend,” he said, leaning over to catch his breath.

  “Martin? What’s the matter? Is someone hurt?”

  Martin shook his head and finally stood straight up. He was grinning. “I’ve got the most unbelievable news!”

  “What?”

  “I’m getting married!”

  CHAPTER 29

  LOIS CHECKED THE PROPS and the costume changes for the third and final time. Everything was ready to go, and all the actors had arrived right on schedule. It was here. Finally! Her big night. The only distraction had been Wolfe, who had tried to talk her into changing the ending back to the way it had been originally written. But Lois wouldn’t budge. She knew how to draw emotion from an audience, and it wasn’t by writing a predictable ending. Wolfe might be the expert in writing horror, but he wouldn’t know a romance if it took him to dinner.

  She went backstage and encouraged everyone with a confident nod, except Sheriff Parker, to whom she gave a deliberate cold shoulder. He didn’t deserve the time of day, much less any encouragement. She found Mariée at the makeup mirror getting ready to apply the Ben Nye. “Oh, honey, you can’t apply your own makeup.”

  “Why? I’m a Mary Kay expert.”

  “But the diva never does her own makeup. It’s a longstanding theatrical tradition. It can bring bad luck if you do.” Lois pulled up a stool. “Honey, I’m going to make you into a woman you will never forget.”

  Wolfe stood backstage, going over his lines one final time. The sheriff came up beside him. “Have you seen the crowd out there?”

  “No. People are actually here?”

  “Tons of people. Take a peek.” He parted the curtains slightly, and Wolfe looked out. People were streaming in. Ainsley was taking a seat on the front row with Melb and Oliver. The sheriff let the curtain fall back into place.

  “This theater is going to be packed,” Wolfe said.

  “I’m nervous,” the sheriff said. “I’ve never done anything like this before.”

  “You’ll do fine. Do you have the new ending down?”

  “Yeah. I still can’t figure out what I did to make Lois so mad. Do you think the new ending has anything to do with it?”

  “I don’t know. It’s pretty weird. I mean, she builds the entire play around the idea that Lotus should be with Bart, not Gibb, then changes it at the last minute. Everyone is going to hate this play. I swear we may hear a boo-hiss at the end. And maybe get a few tomatoes thrown
in our faces.”

  “Well, at least I’ll be offstage for it all.”

  “Yeah. I end it all with some crazy explanation about her change of mind.”

  The sheriff chuckled. “Good thing you’re supposed to already be dead.” His laugh faded. “I don’t know how I’m going to get her back, but I’m going to do it. I think I love that woman. I’m not kidding. It’s a weird thing, because I never thought I would love another woman besides my wife. But Lois brings a lot of different things to my life. Makes it exciting again.”

  Wolfe wasn’t sure how he should break the news that Martin and Lois had gotten engaged. Lois didn’t seem nearly as excited as Martin was. When they’d first arrived at the theater, Wolfe was walking in with Lois and said, “Congratulations. I heard the good news.”

  Lois had responded, “I know. She’s about to fall to pieces.”

  Wolfe didn’t know what that meant, and Lois had continued on into the theater without another word.

  He stood there wondering if he could manage to get himself into any more awkward situations. He’d avoided the house all day long just in case Butch wanted to come by and question him about something. He figured if he could just get through this play, and possibly Thanksgiving dinner, without discussing it, then he could find a good time to tell Butch that he’d alerted Tarffeski to the fact that someone had the snake, and since Tarffeski was already suspecting Butch, he was pretty sure this was a bad thing.

  The sheriff fidgeted, looking over his script, glancing up to see if Lois was walking by How painful this was going to be for the sheriff. Love was always full of surprises, a prime example being his marriage to Ainsley. But frankly, there was no reasonable explanation for this. And maybe Wolfe shouldn’t try to come up with one.

  Then, from around the corner backstage, came a horrific scream. The sheriff took off running, and Wolfe followed. As they came around the corner, they saw Mariée in a heap of tears and Lois standing there with a makeup brush.

  “What’s wrong?” asked the sheriff.

  Mariée was crying so hard she couldn’t even speak. Lois was just shrugging and trying to find a few words of explanation.