The GOD Box

by Melissa Horan

  Beyond an hour of walking, now, they were hearing the sounds of water, of the ocean. It felt new and glorious. Too tired to perceive the brilliance, they simply breathed in the serenity of the moonlight.

  May looked at Dane as they kept walking and said, “Okay, so I thought you’d be better now that Jonathan is a little better, but you’re not. Want to tell me why?”

  As of yet, this was the most difficult personal conversation they had had. Normally it was much easier, but May was patient as Dane explained that he hadn’t been able to come out of his depression. Old feelings and flashbacks were coming up, with old desires to use alcohol. He hoped this trip with Jonathan would be void of all that and would help him get back in control and help Jonathan finish his withdrawals away from the house.

  May didn’t realize how deep the feelings were. She could sense something was wrong, but when tears started to fall her heart sunk.

  Whatever pain he felt he had obviously held it in and now it was all coming out. Hopelessly, he fell on his knees and bowed his head, letting his fingers drift in the sand. Like his shadow, she followed him to the ground, taking his face in her hands. Then his hands found her elbows and touched them gently as he cried.

  Chapter 15

  She took away Dr. Jekyll. And Jonathan hated her for it. To avoid her, Jonathan stuck with Dane, or with Samson, or sat by himself. His physical need for the drugs was slipping away, but his emotional need was still prevalent. He knew May heard him sob every night. He was desperate to get back to the lab for more medication. He would do about anything for it, including giving Dane information he probably shouldn’t have.

  ___

  New determination was in Jonathan’s eyes for the next three days. He kept trying to tell them they needed to build bicycles. This was a weird one, because they recognized the word, but were a little unsure of what it was or how to go about it. When they went to town, he gathered a few supplies that he thought would work, spending a good portion of Dane’s savings. Dane gave freely, knowing it would sooth him to be able to try, and anger him to be resisted.

  Despite how many times May asked what exactly they would do while they were gone, Jonathan always gave the answer that Dane would be learning about the cloning process. He claimed that details wouldn’t really help if she couldn’t see it. Even so, May’s concern was what Jonathan wanted to do once he showed Dane. Undoubtedly, his agreement with Dane was just a game move to get there without dying or getting lost. What was he going to gain from it? Was there more medicine in there? What was it that he wanted?

  Gratefully, the bicycle thing did seem to distract him for a few days. Though, when they would walk to town, Dane noticed Jonathan’s wandering eyes in the direction of the cemetery. His thoughts were still close to home – though a home that no longer existed. May tried to remind him of that.

  The greater part of the harvest was over and May was back to her normal daily chore and playing games with Janey. It was fun to play this little game. Janey and May sat on the floor together, discovering how to read and write by drawing words in a pile of dirt, then erasing them and starting over. Time had elapsed and the poor little girl lost her focus. May hadn’t determined yet the way children learn, and was truthfully disappointed when they had to stop. But now they stayed and drew pictures quietly, lying on the floor, looking at each other and smiling. She seemed to have much more fun this way. Maybe, then, she was less like May and more like Janine.

  As the door opened and Dane walked in, May looked up from the floor where she laid on her side. He addressed Janine, then was followed in by Samson, Jonathan, and Thomas. Business was finished for the day. Energy seemed to be surging through Dane as evidenced when he ran over to the floor and piled gently on top of May and Janey. A loud shriek and giggle came from Janey as Dane rolled and grabbed her and tumbled across the floor. She grabbed around his neck and he crawled back on his knees over to May who then grabbed Janey. The little girl now played this particular game well and struggled to get away by climbing on May’s face. They started another game to play until they exhausted the last of their strength. This show of energy from Dane was sorely missed for the last few weeks.

  Before Dane fell asleep, he explained that he talked to Darian, who was back in town. They had agreed that once Dane got more of the information he would share, and that they should give him a couple weeks. One of Darian’s cronies challenged them again to another trial, but Samson threatened him and brought up the fire in the house and it shut him up.

  Dinner was forgotten as Dane and Janey fell asleep on the floor with May leaning on the couch, trapped underneath them. Egg soup that was steaming was placed in front of her face. Placing the book aside she ate slowly, feeling the drift of dreams, of thoughts and imagery not quite in her control. May snapped up to make sure Jonathan was still with them. Yes, asleep. Nothing was disturbing them from the outside, accept the potential unseen curiosity which was making May paranoid. The last few days had been free of strange persons, haunting the house, however that didn’t stop the frightening thoughts from coming to her mind – of images of the worst kind. How she wished she could be free of this. Then she wondered, does Jonathan ever wish he could be free? They asked all those questions to all those people before. What would be his answer?

  She still hadn’t pinpointed what irked her the other day either, but the desire to know what it was would seemingly never be satisfied. However, the next morning she got her answer.

  Jonathan was having a moment at breakfast, about nothing, about not having meat. This was a frequent complaint, but he was causing a raucous. Whenever they asked for more details he just grumbled and went quiet or went off about how little they know and how irritating it was. Undoubtedly this was something that he just didn’t want them to know. There was a possibility that in his anger he would spill the information, so, naturally, May encouraged him.

  “We don’t have enough chickens right now that you can just kill and eat. I mean, it was good, but we have to live within our means.”

  “You don’t even know what you’re talking about… your means… if only you knew.”

  “Maybe when Dane learns to clone we’ll have enough.” She gave a small laugh and went right back to eating.

  “Not even if you had all the equipment, would Dane be able to clone!”

  Ah, equipment… maybe that’s what he wants.

  “And even if Samson went with you, you probably wouldn’t be able to bring back all the equipment.”

  “Thank you, May! As if I didn’t know that. As if I didn’t know that nothing will ever be the same as it once was, as if you could tell me anything that I don’t already know, as if you could tell me how to create life and create a world.”

  Something struck like lightening in May’s brain. She didn’t learn what she anticipated she would, but she felt like some cavity in her mind had been discovered and filled in all at once. Surprisingly she felt angry. When should she bring it up? Now? Or when his mood was done?

  Turns out it was one and the same. He sat down, now overcome with grief, with a realization that finally sunk in. Forlorn, he gazed out the window. Jonathan looked haggard – like he had grown ten years in ten weeks. When he looked back two minutes later, May was pouring through the green book trying to find something. Eyes depressed, he looked back down at his soup and spooned it around purposelessly.

  “Jonathan.” May said firmly, trying to snap him out of the stupor. He didn’t look up, his shoulders sagged. He appeared rejected, and was totally despondent.

  “Jonathan.” More fiercely this time. Dane was looking between the two. She needed his attention, so she decided to say the most absurd thing she could think of… which also happened to be what she was planning to say anyway.

  Chapter 16

  “Did you think you could play God?” she seethed. He dropped his spoon and looked up.

  “What in hell are you talking about?”

  May repeated her question.

  “Why w
ould I try to be someone, who I don’t… even… believe… exists?!”

  “That’s exactly the irony I don’t think I’m misunderstanding. He’s believed to be all powerful, the giver of life, even, I suppose, the taker of life.” She lifted the book with her finger on a specific verse. “He created the world, he created a box, and said that if you do what he says, you are free of the box. You killed everyone, created life… almost manipulated it even by their memory, created standards you expect us to follow as if by nature and if we don’t, you start over again. YOU ARE TRYING TO BE GOD, AND YOU DON’T EVEN BELIEVE HE EXISTS!” She didn’t know why she was so furious.

  ***

  Jonathan was absent. She was ruthless. The man called Jonathan didn’t even recognize himself anymore. Just leave him alone. This was all wrong. He stared through the wall on the opposite end of the room.

  ***

  In amazement to all of them, after he opened his mouth once, then closed it, thinking better of what he was planning to say, or perhaps, not knowing what to say, he looked back down, riddled with sadness and emotions he didn’t know how to express.

  “You think that his vision of right and wrong; his box, is wrong… that not having identified right and wrong socially is right when in and of itself, that is a contradiction! Who do you think you are? The smartest man on earth, worthy of worship in every age because of your power which you gained because of your threats. You want freedom by total control, and yet you don’t have that control.” More enlightenment came in her mind, “You can’t have that control.. You want to give freedom when you are not experiencing any yourself. So I ask again, who do you think you are? God? You think you have power to set people free?”

  “I know I’m not God, but have I not sacrificed everything I could have done, died multiple times for benefit of mankind?!”

  May paused. What was the difference between them then? Was this why Jonathan was failing… because even God failed? No... What was the difference of a sinner? What was wrong, what was right? Was the hope of God far too idyllic, and people really did just make him up to release their own accountability, to give an excuse for their imperfections? That wasn’t it either, though; she couldn’t explain why. It just didn’t feel right. With these thoughts, her confidence seemed to deflate.

  “Something is wrong in your philosophy.” She muttered distractedly and then sat back down next to Dane, who was thumbing frantically through the book. In Dane’s eyes, she could see something searching, some discovery. They were looking for the same thing. He just actually knew how to find it.

  “I think it was over here.” He said, trying to guide her eager hands away so he could find it. Jonathan, by default of his trying to explain God, had to eventually explain to them the word repentance. Change.

  “You refuse to let them change. You refuse to let them learn!”

  “How can they learn what’s best if there is no best?”

  “But maybe there is!”

  “Well, there is, but it’s not what you think! It’s not… right… it’s just what’s best for everyone.”

  “What is best for everyone?” Dane asked maturely.

  Jonathan opened and shut his mouth, breathing heavily in and out several times.

  “When people don’t judge and inhibit each other based on immature assumptions of right and wrong!”

  “So you mean, we let people do things that are bad for them because they don’t know that they might not want it?”

  Jonathan looked back down at his soup. He left the table, walking to the couch where he sat, arms folded, in silence, acting as if his mental capacity was depleted, and unresponsive. For the rest of the evening, he spoke to no one.

  May was shaking. Her passion about this seemed unexplainable, except there was something she was finally learning from this book.

  It would make sense that Jesus was infamous. He represented ultimate freedom, which was ultimately what everyone wanted. So was it a confusion of the word freedom? A faulty definition that utterly weakened the argument? Now Dane was pouring through the book and May had her head on the table as she considered all these things. She looked from the darkness behind her arms to Dane, “Did that make sense? Was it right? Or am I totally crazy?”

  “I think it’s right, sort of, but I need some application. I think there’s more to understand about it.”

  “Of course there is.” She waved tersely. She was frustrated at times that no matter how much she seemed to learn, there was always more. Janey came up next to them with tears in her eyes. May scared her with the yelling. But, even yet, the child put her hand on her mother’s back and rubbed back and forth, as May and done with Dane recently, and she said,

  “It’s okay mommy. It’s okay.”

  Mommy? What did that mean? May looked at Dane for an explanation. He shrugged.

  “That’s how Jonathan refers to you when he talks to her. I think it’s a nickname; a positive one.”

  May then looked at Dane to give her last related thought for the night, “I think…” She paused, still making sure the thought was valid, “People all see the same box, but they understand it differently, and then spend most of their lives trying to break walls down.”

  May looked over at Jonathan, pinching her face between her hands, so her breathing was very loud. Perhaps she shouldn’t have been so hard on him. Never can she tell how he will react. She felt a little guilty for attacking him... Maybe she was all wrong.

  “What if…” she said , resigned, trying to rebuild his confidence, “you wrote a history of everything you’ve seen? Then we could really figure this all out.” May added. Jonathan didn’t react at all. He just stared into space. It was like something imploded behind his eyes and he couldn’t register anything. After a few minutes of waiting for a response, they gave it up.

  Janey commanded their attention from that time until she fell asleep. May thought that maybe tonight sleep would come for her as well. It seemed, though, that as soon as she recognized it, it failed her. Dane and Jonathan were going to leave in the morning.

  She knew what she would be doing while they were gone. May suspected that the people who wandered out there, trying not to be seen were likely not even affiliated with Darian, but were just curious. She was waging a kind of silent war against them.

  May came out of her thoughts when Dane touched her face almost imperceptibly, if not for the warmth. They were both so tired. She could feel the weight of sleepiness in his fingers.

  “I’m so tired of thinking.” He said darkly, but then gave a smile. Those peaceful, deep brown eyes looked into hers for confirmation, and connection. “I can tell you’re about to fall asleep, and that means you probably won’t be awake to say goodbye in the morning.” Then he kissed her lips once simply, gently as before, yet with sincere intent.

  They locked eyes for a moment. There was much soberness in the connection. Very deeply and resolutely they were thinking, and feeling something consequential, ominous, and yet stable. In the same tone of sobriety, but on what felt like a different subject, Dane said,

  “I think we should start something new – er… old. I need to take some time to ask Jonathan how it works first, while I’m with him.”

  “Are you talking about marriage?”

  “Yes. I agree with your theory for the need for relationships, for lasting ones, and I even think it’s natural to want it… but ironically not so natural to make it happen.”

  She thought about teasing him a little bit, but he didn’t seem in the mood. There was nothing lighthearted or even giddy about his this.

  May felt like she couldn’t do enough at this moment to help him. She kissed him - so slowly, it was as though she were trying to draw all of his breath from him. The way he surrendered to her was like a confession. Something told May that he needed more affirmation in this moment, so she said,

  “I would love to be with you always.”

  “Good. I love you, too.” Dane said seriously, studying her face, as if he
could see the future in it. He breathed heavily, still sad and deep in thought. When he finally broke the gaze, he didn’t let go of her face.

  Dane said they should get some sleep. His hand didn’t move, but his focus drifted away.

  “Can I help?”

  “No.” He said and didn’t elaborate. Now it was his hand that drifted, and his eyes returned.

  May didn’t even move to the floor, she put her head in her arms on the table. Dane put his arm around her shoulders, hand on hand, fingers in her hair, and put his head against the back of her neck and slept as well as he was able.

  ___

  Jonathan saw them that way in the morning. He scowled. It was like a foreign world to him and he didn’t know how to respond. And he didn’t like it. So tender he couldn’t find a way to scoff at it, and yet so tender the only appropriate response a lonely man like him could muster, was ridicule.

  Suddenly, a little annoying thought came to mind, which was aggravating. Normally he so sufficiently ignores them; they usually just don’t exist. The thought was this: at least Dane isn’t lonely. First step to solve a problem was recognizing it. The second was to forget you ever had it, and never admit you recognized it. Jonathan made an attempt to go back to sleep, which was psychotic.

  Two hours. That’s all he had gotten; two hours. Something to moan all day about. Making a few calculations about the hours and the distance they traveled to get here he tried to determine the time it would take to get to back to his lab. At least a full day if they made no stops, and they were bound to make a few. It would be quicker to just make a straight shot from here to there.