Discount Diva (Zodiac Girls)

by Cathy Hopkins

  I kicked the cubicle door. “Eeeeooooow!” I cried as I stubbed my toe on the hard wood. I hopped around in the tiny space. It really hurt, like I’d dipped it in fire.

  I have to get out of here without anyone seeing me, I thought. But how? And where could I go? I wanted to go some place and hide. But not home. There was no privacy there. Everyone would want to know how the evening went. I couldn’t even hide in my bedroom because I shared it with Andrea and I could hardly shut her out. Fairy farts, I thought. Freaking fairy farts. There was only one thing for it. I’d have to run away. Take to the road and go somewhere where no-one knows me. Maybe to London or one of the big cities. But I’d have no money. And I’d be hungry and have nowhere to sleep except a park bench under a bit of old newspaper. And I’d have no friends. And no Mum or Auntie Pat or Phoebe. And no Marmite or Meatloaf to cuddle up to. I’d even miss Dan and Will and Andrea. I’d fade away until someone would find my poor starved body underneath a bridge and they’d bring me back here and bury me and everyone I know would come to my funeral and cry buckets. Even those horrible girls Chloe and Sonia would come and see what happened and realize that they were to blame and they’d feel responsible as my coffin was lowered into the grave…

  As I was sitting there feeling very sorry for myself, I heard the sound of ringing. It was coming from my bag. I looked inside. It was my new mobile phone. But I haven’t given anyone the number yet, I thought. I don’t even know it myself!

  Tentatively, I answered the call.

  “Tori, it’s Nessa. Where are you?” said a voice at the other end.

  Oh please don’t let her have seen what happened too, I thought. “Nowhere,” I said.

  “Nowhere. Now that’s clever,” said Nessa. “I’ve never been there myself. What’s it like?”

  I almost laughed but then I remembered that my life was over and I was miserable. “It’s… okay, I’m not really nowhere.”

  “You sound upset. What’s the matter, darlin’?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Ah nothing. That always upsets me n’all.”

  This time I did laugh.

  “That’s better,” said Nessa.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Just I’m not feeling myself…”

  “Then who are you feelin’?” asked Nessa.

  “No-one. I mean I’m feeling a little mad tonight…”

  “Ah that’ll be ’cause of the moon. Where the moon is placed in your chart can make everyone feel a little bonkers some days. Listen Tori, I’ve been lookin’ at your chart. Do you know much ’bout astrology?”

  “Yes. No. At least I know a little. I know there are twelve signs and that I’m Taurus and that’s the sign of the bull.”

  “That’s right. There are twelve signs. They’re called Sun signs. For you as a Taurus that means the Sun was in the sign of Taurus when you were born. April the twenty first to May the twenty first. Anyone born under those dates will be Taurus. Did you know though that there are lots of other planets that influence your chart?”

  “No.”

  “Well there are. Ten of them. The Sun, the Moon, Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Saturn, Pluto, Uranus, Mercury and Neptune.”

  “Oh really?” I said trying to sound interested although I wondered why on earth she had picked this moment in time to give me a lecture in astrology. “How fascinating.”

  “Yeah, it is,” continued Nessa. “And for you, Saturn and Pluto are squared to your moon at the moment.”

  “Sounds painful,” I joked.

  “Too right. No laughin’ matter,” said Nessa, “’cause what it means is that life is teaching you a serious lesson.”

  “Oh. What’s that then?”

  “Only you can know that Tori. I’m just ’ere to guide and advise but Saturn is sometimes known as the task master. In plain English, that means ’e can be a miserable bugger at times but you should listen to what ’e ’as to say to you. He does talk sense. Pluto is the planet of transformation and the Moon governs the psyche, feelin’s, all that kinda stuff. Get those three planets squared up to each other in a chart like they are in yours right now, and it can mean an emotional ride. As a Taurean, I’m your guardian and I’m takin’ special care of you this month so call me from your new phone if you need or want to ask anythin’. Think of me as a new mate. Okay?”

  “Um. Okay,” I said although I couldn’t help think, how weird is this? What is she on about? In fact, maybe I shouldn’t be talking to her at all. Mum always told us not to talk to strangers and I don’t really know anything about her. She maybe beautiful but that doesn’t mean she’s not bananarama and come to think of it… how did she get my phone number?

  “Er Nessa, how did you know this number?”

  “Because you’re Zodiac Girl this month, right? All Zodiac Girls get a phone like that – well, similar anyway. We try to make them in the colour right for your birth sign. The phone came from me. It’s so you can get in touch with me, your guardian or any of the other planets for that matter. We’ve all got your new number.”

  “We?” I asked. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. “And who would the we be?”

  “I told you, me and the other planets. Remember?”

  “Other planets? Okaaaay…” I asked as all my alarm bells went off.

  “Yes,” said Nessa. “I told you there are nine others. Planets that is. You met one of them. The Sun, aka Sonny Olympus, he’s ’ere tonight. He led the auction right?”

  “Right,” I said although I was thinking, wroooong.

  “And then there’s Mars, the Moon, Jupiter, Pluto, Saturn, Uranus – you met him, Uri, ’e runs the Cyber café and Mercury, ’e’s around somewhere too. You’ll like ’im. All the girls do though I don’t think there are any major encounters with ’im this month, least not from looking at your chart. You might see ’im in passing though. We call ’im Hermie. Anyway to cut a long story short, we’re all ’ere on earth in human form.”

  Woah!!! I thought. This lady is not only bananarama. She’s the whole freaking fruit bowl. Best humour her and then avoid her like the plague.

  “Oh yes. Absolutely. Of course. And you are?”

  “Nessa aka Venus. Venus rules Taurus which is why I’m your guardian for the month.”

  Omigod! She thinks she’s a planet! Like how severely delusional can you get? I had heard of people thinking that they were Napoleon or Cleopatra or teapots but I had never heard of anyone thinking that they were a planet before, never mind Venus specifically.

  “Guardian. Um. Yes. Er… That’s what your (fellow nutter, I thought) friend Uri said as well.”

  “Right,” said Nessa, “but I hope we can be mates too because mates are important right? More important than most things. So come out of your ’iding place in nowhere-land and don’t be afraid. Not everything is as it seems.”

  “Yes. Course not,” I said. “Actually I’m feeling fine now. Thanks for the chat. Yes. Better be getting along. Er… okay. Got to go now. Things to do. People to see.”

  “Tori, you sound strange. Are you sure you’re okay duck?” asked Nessa.

  “Oh yes. Tip top. Tippety top in fact. No need to worry about me. All better now. Thanks. Goodbye.” And don’t forget to take your medication, I thought as I heard the door to the Ladies open and close.

  “Call me if you need.”

  “Okee dokee. Will do,” I whispered. Not a chance, I thought but I didn’t want to upset her or alert her to the fact that I knew she was a few stars short of a constellation. I also wanted to get her off the phone as I didn’t want whoever had come in to the Ladies to think I was the mad one and talking to myself. Luckily Nessa had finished whatever she had to say for the time being and said “bye then,” and hung up.

  I clicked the phone shut, held my breath and drew my feet up from the floor so that whoever it was wouldn’t know that I was in there. A moment later, the door opened again and someone had burst in.

  “You total mingers,” said a voice that I recognized as Georgie’s. “Th
at was way out of order. Way cruel. So my mate bought your dress. So what? It looks great on her. That’s what counts.”

  The knot in my stomach tightened.

  “But you have to admit,” said a voice that I also recognized as Sonia’s, “it was funny wasn’t it, Chloe? Her face went scarlet.”

  “Purple, I’d say,” sniggered her friend.

  “And you find that entertaining?” asked Georgie. “Ruining someone’s night? You sad, pathetic sickos. This is supposed to be a charity ball, you know. Where’s your spirit of sharing then? Huh? Where? I think you two are possibly the meanest people that I have ever met and I hope something really rotten happens to you.”

  “Oo-er, get her,” sneered Sonia.

  “Have you ever heard of karma?” Georgie continued. “Probably not because you’re probably both as stupid as you are horrible. Well I know what it is. It means that your actions bring results and if you are mean to people, it will come back on you. If not in this lifetime then in the next. You will probably come back as the lowest of the low. As frog spawn.”

  The girls started laughing. “Frog spawn? Yeah right.”

  “Actually no, not frog spawn because frogs are nice. No, You’ll come back as flies. Flies that eat poo.”

  I almost started laughing in my hiding place. Good one Georgie, I thought.

  “Oh let’s go, Chloe,” said Sonia. “I’m bored with this silly little girl.”

  “Yes, not my first choice of company either,” said Chloe.

  I heard the door open and shut again and waited to see if they had gone out.

  “Good riddance,” I heard Georgie say. There was silence then she asked, “Tori, is that you in there?”

  I held my breath.

  “I know you’re in there,” she said. “I can hear you breathing.”

  And then I heard a scuffling and her face appeared at the gap at the bottom of the door. “And I can see you.”

  “It’s not me,” I said then realized that was totally stupid.

  We both burst out laughing.

  “Idiot,” said Georgie. “I can see that it’s you.”

  “I know. I… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Be your slave for the rest of eternity…”

  “Oh for heaven’s sake Tori. Come out of there. I don’t care where you got the dress from…”

  I lowered my feet back down to the floor, got up, unlocked the cubicle and went out to join her. “Don’t you?” I asked. “See, I did lie to you. I did get the dress from a charity shop and I should have told you the truth but… I thought you’d hate me.”

  “No way. You’re my mate. I understand. Well. Sort of.”

  “I went to Osbury to look for a dress and there this was in the charity shop window and it looked so fab and…”

  “You don’t have to explain, Tori. I got something from a charity shop once too. A Monopoly game. Why not? Just don’t lie to me again.”

  I still felt bad. Ashamed. “I think I ought to go home now.”

  Georgie looked appalled. She put one hand on her hip and wagged a finger at me with the other hand. “Tori Taylor, we are at one of the bestest parties we’ve ever been invited to and you want to go home and leave me on my own! No way. Now that would upset me. Just now you said you were sorry and that you wanted to make it up to me for lying. Okay. Here’s your chance. Stay.”

  “But what if everyone knows that my dress is second hand?”

  “Tooori,” said Georgie in an exasperated voice. “The universe does not revolve around you. Probably no-one even noticed the two ugly sisters having a go at you just now. And anyway, I bet you anything most of the people here have hired their outfits and that’s no different to wearing something second-hand is it?”

  “I guess,” I said.

  “And most of them are more concerned about what they look like and having a good time than where some teenage girl got her dress from…”

  “Suppose.”

  “So let’s go.”

  She opened the Ladies door for me, tucked her hand through my arm and shoved me out.

  “Bossy boots,” I said but I squeezed her arm as I said it and she gave me a big smile back. She was a good mate. I hadn’t realized until that night just how good, but here she was sticking up for me and talking me out of my misery. Phew, I thought, maybe I don’t have to run away after all. That’s a relief. I so wasn’t ready to do starvation, loneliness and homelessness.

  As we made our way back into the party, I saw that Georgie was right. No-one was the slightest bit interested in me or what I was up to. They were all too busy enjoying the fun. Suddenly it didn’t matter that my dress was second-hand. I had one of the best friends in the world and the evening wasn’t over yet.

  As we made our way down the corridor, I spotted Mr O chatting to the mayor and then checking his appearance and smoothing his hair down in a mirror.

  I nudged Georgie to look.

  “Bit of a luvvie, don’t you think?” she remarked.

  “Bit of a loves himself by the look of it,” I said. “I reckon that he’d be a heart throb for the older ladies though, don’t you think?”

  “I guess,” said Georgie.

  “Hold on a sec. I just want to ask him something,” I said. If Mr O knows the mayor, I thought, and he runs the auction then he must be on the level. And he might be able to shed some light on whether Nessa is totally nuts-in-May or not.

  “Okay, I’ll see you in the disco then?” said Georgie and took off in the direction of the dance hall.

  “Okay,” I called after her and went over to Mr O. “Excuse me sir, but…”

  “Ah Zodiac Girl,” he said. “Call me Sonny. So how goes it in the land of Taurus?”

  “Um… good I guess. About this Zodiac thing. I wanted to ask you if you know what it’s all about. I mean, where did that phone you gave me come from and who’s that lady you came with?

  His face lit up with a dazzling smile. “Ah. Questions, questions,” he said then he looked me up and down, put his hands on my shoulders, pushed them back then stepped behind me and thumped in the middle of my back. “First girl, look to your posture. Most important thing they teach at acting school. Stand up straight. Come on. Walk tall. Chin up.”

  He was so commanding that I found myself doing as he asked.

  “Good girl,” he said and then began doing the look-up-and-down thing again. “Hhm, yes. Nice dress, Tori. Suits you. Always remember with clothes, it’s the way you wear them. A girl can be dressed in designer labels but look like nothing. Another can be dressed in old castoffs and look like a million dollars. All down to posture and confidence.”

  Oh no, I thought as I felt my face blush scarlet. Georgie was wrong. Everyone in the place did know I was wearing second-hand clothes. “So you know about my dress then?”

  “Know what?” he asked.

  “That it’s second-hand.”

  “Second-hand? Is it? Marvellous. Good for you. You’ve clearly got a good eye. I love a bargain myself. And it’s the right dress for you. What does it matter if it’s second-hand?”

  “I… I guess it doesn’t…”

  “See here Tori, Nessa showed me your chart. Lacking in self-esteem, it said. Needs to value herself more. You need to work on that which is why I say, chin up, shoulders back, walk tall.”

  I laughed. “Bossy, aren’t you?”

  He looked offended. “I just know what works. So you were asking about the lady I came with?”

  “Yes. Is she… er…?” I was about to say, “Is she all right in the head?” but then thought he might be offended if she was his date.

  “She’s a goddess,” he said. “A darling. You’re lucky to have her as your guardian.”

  “Guardian. What exactly does that mean?”

  “You’re Zodiac Girl, aren’t you?”

  I nodded. “I guess.”

  “So Nessa’s yours for a month. Someone to turn to sort of thing. Nothing weird in case you’re worrie
d. Now would you care to dance?”

  “Dance? Me? Oh I can’t…”

  “No such word as can’t…” said Mr O as he proffered me his arm. “Hey, there’s the cake maker extraordinaire.”

  I glanced up and saw Mum about to go into the Ladies. She turned and waved when she saw us.

  “Mum,” I called. “This is Mr Olympus, Mr O, I mean Sonny. He’s asked me to dance.”

  Mum blushed. “Oh I know who he is,” she said. “We met earlier. Go ahead, Tori. I’ll catch up with Georgie and we’ll come and watch.”

  Mr O took my hand, tucked it into his arm and we made our way into the dance hall. Once again, I felt people staring but this time, it was with curiosity and envy. Sonny was easily the best-looking man in the room even if he was old enough to be my dad. I spotted Sonia and Chloe at the drinks table and gave them a casual wave. Their jaws dropped open. They so didn’t expect to see me back at the party. Georgie was dancing on the other side of the hall and gave me the thumbs up when she saw me.

  “Okay, young Zodiac thing,” said Sonny as we began to move to the music, “now, shoulders back and dazzle, darling, dazzle.”

  We fell into a dance routine as if we’d been rehearsing for days. Soon a crowd gathered around us and began to clap. It was like Mr O was totally tuned into me and what move I was going to make next. To the left we stepped, then to the right in perfect time with one another.

  Suddenly Mr O grabbed a rose from a nearby table, held it with his teeth and began to clap. I got the message and we went into a bit of spontaneous mad flamenco.

  “Ole, ole, ole, ole,” said Mr O through his teeth while I danced around him Spanish style and onlookers cheered. When we’d finished, we both burst out laughing and he gave me a hug.