All Things Considered

by Debbie Macomber

  Standing above them, Judd’s face was pinched into a tight frown.

  “This is all your fault,” she cried, barely recognizing how unreasonable she sounded. It didn’t matter. None of it did. Jenny was her daughter. Judd was the one who left them. “Go away.” Her voice was high and scratchy.

  “Lanni—”

  “Just go away,” she cried. “I don’t want you here.”

  Judd was as shaken as Lanni. He’d seen Jenny go toppling off the swing and his heart had stopped. Pausing, he raked his fingers through his hair. “Listen, I’ll go down by the beach.” She may be acting unreasonably, but he understood. Lanni had her face buried near Jenny’s shoulder and refused to look at him. “I’ll be on the beach,” he repeated.

  Still she didn’t answer. Hesistantly, he walked away. He wanted to slam his fist against the rock wall and welcome the release of pain.

  Sand filled his shoes, but he continued walking. If Lanni claimed she’d been up half the night remembering, it didn’t surprise him. He’d been up most of the night as well. That final horrible scene when he’d left two years ago had played back in his mind again and again.

  Lanni had delivered her ultimatum: Either he stay in Seattle or they were through. Judd recognized at the time he had no choice. He loved her, wanted her with him, and she’d refused. He’d walked out the door. He remembered the pain etched so deeply in her soft features. For nearly eighteen months she’d clung to him, begged him not to leave her again. This time she hadn’t. With a calm he hardly recognized in his wife, Lanni had told him to choose. The most difficult thing he’d done in his life was walk away from her that day. The sounds of laughter filled the park as Lanni watched Judd walk away from her. Jenny’s painful cries faded to a mere whimper and Lanni regained control of her fragile emotions. She continued to hold her daughter, but her gaze followed Judd’s dejected figure as he meandered along the shore, his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his jeans. A brisk wind buffeted against him, plastering his shirt to his torso.

  Lanni had been completely unreasonable to shout at him. It was no more his fault than hers. The frustration of the moment had gotten to her and she’d lashed out at Judd, wanting to blame him for the troubles of the world. That was the crux of the problem with their relationship. They each struck out at the other, hurting each other.

  “How do you feel?” she asked Jenny.

  She squirmed off her lap. “I want Daddy.”

  Lanni let her go and sat motionless as the small child climbed over the bulkhead and down onto the sandy beach. Her small arms swung at her sides as she rushed to join her father. Judd apparently didn’t see her coming and hesitated when her hand reached for his. He went down on one knee and wrapped both arms around the child. Lanni felt the strings on her heart yanked in two different directions. Her throat muscles were so tight she felt as if she were being strangled.

  Tilting her head toward the sun, she closed her eyes. She prayed for wisdom; she didn’t know what to do. In all the time she’d raised Jenny, alone, with only her parents and her sister for help, she’d never faced a more difficult dilemma.

  When she straightened, she noticed Judd and Jenny walking toward her. Jenny’s hand was linked with her father’s.

  “Feel better?” he asked Lanni softly.

  After watching Judd with their daughter, she whispered her apology. “I’m sorry. You weren’t to blame for what happened any more than I was. Accidents happen.”

  Judd sat down beside her. “I understand. You were angry for all the other times Jenny’s been hurt and I haven’t been here.”

  She nodded, accepting his explanation. She hadn’t realized it herself.

  “We need to talk about Jenny.” He forced the subject that she’d been avoiding from the moment he’d discovered her at the park.

  “I…know.”

  “Have you decided?” Pride stiffened her shoulders. He wouldn’t take Jenny without her permission. Nor would he plead with her. This was the only request he’d made of her since leaving.

  “I can’t let you take Jenny alone.”

  He offered the only other solution. “Then come with me.”

  “I’ll only do that on one condition.”

  “Name it.”

  Boldly, her eyes met his. “I want you to sign the divorce papers.”

  Four

  “What’s a divorce?” Jenny wanted to know, glancing from one parent to another.

  “An agreement,” Judd answered patiently, his gaze lowering briefly to his daughter’s before rising to pin Lanni’s. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. He’d carried the papers with him for two years. He hadn’t wanted a divorce, but she’d given him no option. He supposed he should have prepared himself for the inevitable. Yet he was amazed at the fierce regret that ravaged him.

  Divorce.

  How final that ugly word sounded. His inclination was to agree and be done with it if that was what she sincerely wanted. But he’d seen that milquetoast agent she’d been dating and had disliked him instantly. Steve Delaney wasn’t near man enough for a woman like Lanni.

  “Well?” she prodded.

  “Fine, I’ll sign the papers.”

  At the sound of his words, Lanni felt almost as if a weight had settled on her shoulders. Surprised, she wondered why she was reacting so negatively. She should be glad that it was nearly over. At last she could cut herself free of the invisible bonds that tied her to Judd and make a new life for herself and Jenny.

  It was apparent that if it wasn’t for his father, Judd wouldn’t be here now. He hadn’t intended to come back. He hadn’t returned because he wanted to be with her and Jenny. Basically nothing had changed between them. He hadn’t given her an argument when she demanded he sign the divorce papers. He’d revealed no hesitation. From his reaction, Lanni could only assume that he wanted the divorce as much as she did.

  Judd reached down and lifted Jenny into his arms. The little girl looped hers around his neck and smiled. “I’m glad you’re my daddy.”

  “So am I, sweetheart.”

  “We’re going on a long trip,” Judd was saying to Jenny.

  “To see your daddy?”

  Judd’s thick brows darted upward to show mild surprise.

  “That’s right.”

  “Where does your daddy live?”

  “In Montana.”

  “Mon-tan-a,” Jenny repeated carefully. “Does he have whiskers, too?”

  Judd threw back his head and laughed. “Yes.”

  Jenny grinned. “Is Mommy coming?”

  Judd responded with a sharp nod. “She’ll be with us.”

  “Good,” Jenny proclaimed, and lowered her head to Judd’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here,” she murmured on the tail end of a long yawn.

  “It’s almost her nap time,” Lanni said softly. “I’ll take her home and make the necessary arrangements while she’s asleep. When do you want to leave?”

  “First thing tomorrow morning.” His hand gently patted Jenny’s back.

  “I may need more time than that.” Her mind scanned the calendar on her desk. Summers were the busiest time for real estate agents. Most families preferred to make a move during the vacation months of June, July, and August, to avoid uprooting children during the school year.

  “We leave tomorrow.”

  Judd’s words broke into her thoughts and she bristled. He must realize she had responsibilities. She couldn’t just walk away from everything because he was in an all-fired rush.

  Resentment simmered within Lanni. As he had all his life, Judd expected her to walk away from her responsibilities. “I said I’ll do my best to be ready by tomorrow. But I can’t and won’t make any promises.”

  “Listen, Lanni, I don’t know what Stuart’s condition is, but he wouldn’t have written if he wasn’t bad. I haven’t g
ot time to waste sitting around here while you rearrange your dating schedule.”

  Dating schedule. Lanni fumed as they marched to the parking lot. Judd had some perverse notion that she’d been playing the role of a swinging single since he’d been gone. Well, fine, she’d let him think exactly that. In two years the only man she’d ever dated was Steve, and that had been only within the last three months.

  Judd followed her to her car, slipping a droopy-eyed Jenny inside the child’s protective car seat while Lanni waited silently. The little girl’s head rolled to one side as she was strapped into place. If she wasn’t already asleep, she would be soon. As silently as possible, Judd closed the car door.

  Then, defying everything she’d told herself on the long hike to the car, Lanni turned to him, her hands braced against her hips. “I’ll have you know that the only man I’ve dated since the minute you walked out the door is Steve Delaney, and I resent your implying otherwise.”

  Despite the outrage flashing from her cool, dark eyes, Judd grinned. He’d always known Lanni had spunk. He hadn’t meant to suggest anything and realized how offended she was. “I know. I didn’t mean anything,” he said, and sighed. “I’m worried about Stuart.”

  Lanni’s indignation vanished as quickly as it had come. “I’ll do everything I can to be ready so we can leave on schedule.”

  “I’m counting on it.” He hedged, needing to say something more and not sure how to do it without the words getting in the way. “I appreciate this, Lanni. I’ll sign those papers you want and we can both go about our lives in peace. I’m sorry it turned out like this. I never was the right man for you.”

  “It was my fault,” she whispered, the emotion blocking her throat. “I was the wrong type of woman for you.”

  “It’s over, so let’s quit blaming ourselves.”

  “All right,” she agreed, her eyes burning bright with unshed tears. Part of her had hoped Judd didn’t want to make their separation final and that he’d suggest they wait and give themselves another chance. She’d asked for the divorce, demanded that he sign the papers, but deep down, Lanni had held on to the belief that he loved her enough to change and make everything right between them again. What a romantic fool she was.

  “I’ll pick you and Jenny up around six tomorrow morning, unless I hear otherwise.”

  “We’ll be ready,” Lanni told him, climbing inside the driver’s seat of the SUV. Judd remained standing in the parking lot. Lanni watched from her rearview mirror, his figure growing smaller and smaller.

  Once home, and with Jenny securely tucked in bed for her nap, Lanni sat at the kitchen table, her hands cupping a mug of hot coffee. So it would soon be over.

  Lanni knew her parents would be relieved for her sake. They liked Judd but had been witnesses to the turmoil he had brought into all their lives. After Judd left, they’d been wonderfully supportive. Lanni was grateful, but she was concerned that her problems caused her parents to worry. As luck would have it, they were vacationing in California this month and they need never know about Lanni and Jenny leaving with Judd.

  With a determined effort, Lanni forced herself to deal with the necessities of this trip. She reached for a pen and paper to make a list of people she needed to contact and appointments that would need to be rescheduled. The house was silent, almost eerie. She paused and set the pencil aside. Her heart ached. She felt as if she were dying on the inside—never had she been more lonely.

  Her hand was on her phone before she could stop herself from contacting Jade.

  “Mr. Boynton’s office,” came Jade’s efficient-sounding voice.

  “I need to talk to you,” Lanni announced starkly, her voice tight with emotion.

  “Lanni? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m…leaving with Judd and Jenny in the morning to visit his father.”

  “But that’s nothing to be upset about,” Jade offered enthusiastically. “In fact, it just might be that all you two need is some time together. I’ve tried to stay out of it, but honestly, Lanni, I’m just not any good at biting my tongue. You love Judd, you always have—”

  “We’re going through with the divorce,” Lanni cut in sharply, biting into the corner of her bottom lip.

  “What?” For once, Jade was nearly speechless.

  “It’s what we both want.”

  “It isn’t what either of you want—even I can see that and I know zilch about love. Lanni, for heaven’s sake, don’t do something you’ll regret the rest of your life,” she pleaded.

  “Jade, please, I only phoned to let you know that I’m leaving with Judd. Jenny and I shouldn’t be gone any longer than two weeks. Can you pick up my mail and water the houseplants once or twice?”

  “Of course, but…” Jade hesitated. “Can you hold on a minute?”

  “Sure.”

  “Lanni,” she said when she came back on the phone, “listen, I’ve got to go. I’ll stop by on my way home from work and we can talk this out.”

  Almost immediately the line was disconnected. From past experience, Lanni knew how much Jade’s boss frowned upon his employees using the office phone for personal calls.

  While Jenny slept, Lanni used the time to make the necessary arrangements for this trip with Judd. When she contacted the office, Steve was unavailable, but she left a message for him, asking that he phone her when convenient. She wasn’t sure Steve would be pleased when she told him she was going with Judd. Lanni realized her fellow worker could be persuasive when he wanted to be.

  The washer and dryer were both in full operation and suitcases had been brought up from the basement by the time Jade arrived late that afternoon. Jenny was playing at the neighbor’s.

  “Hi,” Jade said, entering the kitchen. “You aren’t really going through with this, are you?”

  Lanni glanced up from inside the refrigerator. Perishables lined the countertop. “Through with what? Traveling with Judd, or the divorce?”

  “The divorce.”

  Lanni set a head of cabbage on the counter. “It’s not open for discussion.”

  “It’s just that I feel so strongly that you’re doing the wrong thing.”

  “Jade,” Lanni said fiercely. “I don’t want to hear it. It’s done. We’ve agreed and that’s all there is to it.”

  Suspiciously, Jade eyed the eggs, leftover spaghetti, and a loaf of bread on the counter. “Fine, but either you’ve just recently discovered food or that’s one disastrous omelet you’re cooking.”

  “This is for you.”

  “Me?” Jade slapped her hand against her chest. “Hey, I know you’re upset, but that isn’t any reason to sabotage my diet.”

  “I’m not,” Lanni said, smiling despite herself. “These will only spoil while we’re gone, so I’m sending them home with you.”

  Jade reached for a pickle, munching on the end of it. “I am pleased about one thing, however. You need this time with Judd.”

  “It isn’t exactly a vacation, you know.”

  “I do, but I’ve always thought that all you two needed—”

  “Jade! Stop it! I’m going with Judd for one reason and one reason only.”

  “Sure you are,” Jade said, batting her long lashes provocatively. “But if things happen between you two while you’re away, I won’t be surprised. Not me. Not one little bit.”

  Deciding the best thing she could do was ignore her sister’s antics, Lanni set a package of luncheon meat on the counter. “Wrong again. Nothing’s going to happen, because I won’t let it.”

  Her phone rang and Lanni reached for it, hoping it was Steve. It took her a couple of minutes to inform the caller that she wasn’t interested in having her carpet cleaned.

  “I haven’t talked to Steve,” Lanni said, disconnecting.

  “Don’t,” Jade said sharply.

  “What do you mean by tha
t?”

  “It’s none of his business, Lanni. He’s good-looking and smooth and as stable as the Rock of Gibraltar, but he isn’t for you. Judd is.”

  “Get your head out of the clouds,” Lanni barked, snapping at her sister. “My marriage was over a long time ago. Nothing’s left but a thin shell.” And shattered illusions, she added silently. “Judd may love me in his own way, but it isn’t enough to repair the damage to our marriage. We’re both adult enough to realize that.”

  “But—”

  “There aren’t any buts about it. We both want out of this farce of a marriage, and as soon as possible.”

  “But you’re leaving with him.”

  “Yes.”

  “That has to mean something,” Jade argued.

  “It means nothing. Nothing,” she repeated, more for her own benefit than Jade’s.

  * * *

  —

  The following morning, at 6:00 a.m., Judd parked the SUV in front of the house. He dreaded this trip, every mile of it. He didn’t know what to expect once he arrived in Twin Deer. For all he knew, Stuart could already be dead. But confronting his father was the least of his worries. Little could alter the problems in that relationship. His real concern was this time with Lanni and Jenny. It wouldn’t be easy being close to them. Having them constantly at his side was bound to make him yearn for the way things used to be. How easy it would be to hold Lanni in his arms again. But it wouldn’t be right—she wanted this divorce. For that matter, he should have done something to give her her freedom long before now.

  Judd climbed out of the vehicle and walked around the back, opening the tailgate to make room for Lanni’s and Jenny’s luggage. When he finished shuffling his gear, he glanced up to discover Lanni standing on the front porch, watching him.

  “Are you ready?”

  She nodded, seeming to feel some of the heaviness that weighted his heart.

  “I brought the divorce papers with me. Do you want me to sign them now?” he asked.

  Lanni hedged, then remembered the times Steve had told her that the divorce was necessary for the emotional healing to take place. More than any other time since Judd left, Lanni yearned to be whole again. “Maybe you’d better,” she murmured sadly.