by Ancelli
Maya went back into the kitchen, picked up Bella, and put her in her highchair. “Here, darling,” she handed her a bowl and fork.
“Thank you,” she replied and took the fork and dug into her mac and cheese.
“Bubbles, you didn’t wait for me?” Jesse stood with his crutches, gazing at them.
“Yummy,” Bella showed him her bowl. “Goodie.”
“Why do you call her bubbles?” Maya was intrigued.
“Look at her cheeks,” he said and pinched Bella’s cheek, making her giggle.
He moved closer to the table, pulled and held the chair out for Maya. Just like old times, Maya sat and he pushed her in. “Dinner smells good,” Jesse said and sat across from her.
He picked up his utensil and was about to start eating.
“Jesse,” Maya watched him. “One thing hasn’t changed.”
He placed the fork down and closed his eyes. Bella closed her eyes too, and she peeked through them.
“Lord, we thank you for this food we are about to eat, and for your many blessings. Thank you for bringing Daddy back to where he belongs, home with us. Amen.” Maya winked at him.
“Amen,” Jesse repeated.
“A,” Bella took a big bite of her food.
Jesse grabbed his fork, and dug into his meal. He was eating in a rush with his arms around his plate, like he was protecting his food. Maya just stared at him and it hit her again, he wasn’t the same man that left three years ago. “Jesse…”
He looked up at her.
“There is more where that came from,” she pointed at the stove. “This is your home. No one is going to take anything away from you.”
Jesse looked embarrassed, his cheeks flushed, and he clenched his jaw as he swallowed. “I’m sorry.” He placed the fork down.
“Jesse, stop saying you’re sorry,” Maya hit the table with her palm and then she took a deep breath. “I hope I didn’t offend you, but you are no longer out on the streets, you’re with your family. You will want for nothing.”
Jesse backed away from the table and stood, grabbing his crutches. “I should be telling you that.” He picked up his plate and put it on the counter.
“Please finish your food,” she softly said, feeling like shit.
“Nah, I don’t have an appetite.” He slowly moved away, and caressed Bella’s cheek. “Enjoy your food, bubbles.” He left the kitchen.
Tears rolled down Maya’s face, and she slowly wiped them away. She shouldn’t have said anything. Now she had lost her appetite too.
***
Jesse moved the shower curtain and stared at the chair Maya had installed in the shower. He shook his head, and twisted the lever turning the water on. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and saw the railings on the wall next to the toilet. Maya thought of everything. She didn't have to cater to his needs, but she did. He knew he was handicapped, but didn't like being treated like one. He was so embarrassed at what happened at the table, but he was hungry now. His stomach had been growling since he ran into his bedroom with his tail between his legs.
"Dad!" Bella banged on the door. "In. I want in."
"Leave Daddy alone," he heard Maya talking to little bit. "He's taking a shower."
"I want Daddy," she cried. "In, plea..."
"Give me a second," he pulled his t-shirt back on, turned off the water, and opened the door. "Yes, sweetheart?"
She grinned, "I sleepy."
Maya twisted her head, "Really, Bella?"
"She wants her daddy to tuck her in," he winked at Maya. He grabbed his crutches from the bathroom. "Lead the way, sugar."
Bella strolled down to her bedroom. "Traitor," Maya yelled at her.
"I luv you," Bella kissed her palm and blew a kiss at Maya. Jesse stared at the two most important people in his life.
He pushed her bedroom door open.
“Her favorite book is on the top shelf,” Maya said with her arms crossed under her chest.
“Let me guess, it’s about princesses?”
“Yes,” Maya smiled.
Jesse followed his little girl in, and knew it was going to be difficult to get back up from her toddler bed, but she was worth it. She snuggled up against him, wrapped his arms around his daughter, opened the thick book, and began to read.
Bella giggled every time he changed his voice to act like a character. Her laughter did something amazing to his heart. He helped create her, this wonderful little person, Jesse thought as he kissed her temple when she started to fall asleep. He laid with her for a while, enjoying being next to her. “I love you, bubbles.”
“I luv…” she balled her fist in his t-shirt and then pointed at his picture on her dresser.
***
Maya woke up to the sound of thumping and turned on her light on the nightstand. She glanced at her clock, it was two am. She got out of the bed and grabbed her silky robe, slipped it on, and strolled out of her bedroom. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Jesse eating straight out of the pot. Her heart sank, she had to remember that he had gone from one traumatic event to another. But she noticed that he wasn't protecting his food. Jesse was actually smiling as he ate. He always loved her cooking, and Maya used to make sure to buy all of his favorite foods. She wondered if she should say something, let him know she was watching him? She thought about it, and instead decided to go back to sleep. Maya had to learn when to keep her mouth closed. "I love you..."
Hours later she woke up again but this time to the smell of coffee, bacon, and eggs. The delicious smell made her stomach grumble. She slipped out of the bed and wrapped her robe around her body. Maya made her way to the bathroom, and went through her morning ritual. She strolled out of her room to Bella’s room. Maya slowly opened the door, but her sweetie pie wasn’t in her bed. Maya walked down the hallway and she could hear Bella singing at the top of her lungs. “Let it go!” Her daughter loudly sang, making her laugh.
Jesse sang along without knowing the words, repeating whatever their little girl sang, “Let it go! Bella, the cold never bothered…”
“Me happy!” Bella danced to the beat of their voices. “My sunshine, my sunshine!”
“My only sunshine, you make me happy…” Jesse tickled her, making her giggle loudly.
Maya stopped before entering the kitchen. Jesse and Bella were laughing out of control. There was flour all over the counter, Bella’s hands were covered in chocolate syrup, and she was licking her fingers. “Yummy.” Jesse placed his index finger in the chocolate and touched her nose. Bella stuck out her tongue trying to touch her nose.
“You’re so silly, sweetheart,” he said and moved with one crutch, placing three plates on the table. “Mommy should be getting up soon.” He poured some orange juice in the glasses he had set.
“Maya is going to kill you,” Sarah said coming through the other side. “You know how OCD she is about her kitchen.” She picked up a roll of paper towels and began cleaning up their mess.
“You’re the one with the OCD, if I remember correctly,” Jesse replied while he washed the frying pan. Maya smiled, it was just like old times.
“Daddy,” Bella pointed at her high chair. “Hungry.”
“Auntie’s baby is hungry,” Sarah sang. “J, Bella wants food.”
“I heard her,” Jesse carefully picked her up, and locked her in the high chair. “You’re going to be climbing the walls at the daycare,” he placed a plate with scrambled eggs, and a cut up pancake in front of her. “Enjoy, sugar.”
“Thanx yu.” Bella dug in with her finger, “Yummy.”
He fixed her ponytail, “Your welcome, sweetie.”
“Something smells delicious,” Maya came into the kitchen. “Hi, Sarah,” she waved.
“Good morning, sissy,” she continued to wipe down the counter.
Jesse held out the chair for her to sit. She sat, and he pushed her in. “Baby girl wanted to surprise you with breakfast.”
“She did?” She asked and gazed at him and then at their daughte
r. “Thank you, Bella.”
“And your honey bun too,” Sarah added. “My job here is done. I’ll be right back.” She walked out of the kitchen.
Jesse pulled out his seat and sat next to her.
“Thank you.” Maya took his hand in hers. “Sorry about last night.”
Jesse squeezed her hand. “Love, I understand what you were trying to say. I’m not mad, I just have to get used to being home again.” He picked up his fork, and slowly started eating. “We already said our prayer,” he winked at Bella.
“Yes we did,” Sarah grabbed the chair, and Jesse stopped her, getting up. He pulled out her chair and waited until she sat. “Thank you, Dad taught you well.”
Jesse eased into his chair, and continued eating.
Sarah passed baby girl her juice cup. “I luv Auntie.”
“And Auntie loves you back,” she started eating. “I wish I could stay longer, but I have to get back to work.”
“I understand. What I don’t understand is why would anyone hire you with that crazy hair color,” Jesse laughed.
“Not funny,” Sarah glared at him, and pointed at her hair. “They understand my creativity.”
“Creativity…” He took a sip of his orange juice.
“I’m happy your back,” Sarah touched his hand. “I missed you, bro.”
“I missed you too,” he squeezed her hand. “I’m not leaving anytime soon.”
Anytime soon, what did that mean? Maya grabbed her utensil, and took a bite of her meal. “Hmmm… I forgot what a great cook you are.” She continued eating and looked around at her family. This is what she wanted, the vision before her. Maya started to get emotional again, but she knew this was going to work; Jesse was home to stay. They were finally going to have the family they always wanted.
Chapter Eight
"How are you doing?" Sandra asked as she opened her notepad. Jesse hated when she took notes, he wondered if she shared their sessions with other colleagues. He knew the answer; she’d answered it years ago. She took notes to be able to go over them later, and see his progress.
"I'm surviving," Jesse sat back in the chair, looking at his leg. This was his second session with Sandra, the first one was short.
"How's your transition back home?" Sandra asked scribbling on the paper.
"It's okay." He stared at her, and began rubbing his stiff finger. He was so used to having his wedding band on. "I used to like being around people, not anymore. I feel like the people around me are talking, whispering things about me."
"About?"
"My past. When I was living on the streets, in the shelter, people would look down on us, like we were shit on their shoes because of our situation, but everyone has a different story on how they ended up there. Sometimes it's their own doing, and others had no choice."
"Going back to what you said. You lived in a shelter?"
He bent his head, "It's the only place I felt safe. I traveled from one state to the other."
"How?"
"I hitchhiked a lot."
Sandra raised her eyebrow. "That was very dangerous."
"It was, had a couple of bad situations, but I'm here now," he sighed. "Like I was saying before you interrupted," he chuckled. "Some shelters only have room for so many, and others refuse to help you if they were full at capacity, or just didn’t want you there. I was turned away a couple of times, and slept in public bathrooms. When I had no other place to lay my head, I would go to the VA hospital and sneak into an empty room and sleep. One day I met this lady who worked at a shelter downtown. She helped me out, treated me like a human being, not trash. Every night for a month I came back and I had a warm plate of food and a bed waiting for me upstairs."
"Why did you leave?"
"She had other intentions."
Sandra stared at him waiting for him to continue.
"She was willing to give me three hundred dollars if I had sex with her."
"Did you?"
"No, I already told you that."
"But?"
"Three hundred dollars was more money than I'd had in a year. I was tempted, but I came to my senses. I could never betray Maya by having sex with another woman. I told her she'd insulted me by asking. I wasn't a prostitute, and then she…" he sighed.
"Everything said in this room, stays between us," She placed the notepad on the table. Jesse knew he could trust her.
"She offered to give me a blowjob, and she would give me one hundred dollars if I agreed. I contemplated it for a few minutes, I mean I wasn't going to touch her. In my head I told myself that my dick in her mouth wouldn't be as bad as me having sex with her. I needed the money and I hadn't had a release in years."
"Did you let her?"
Jesse was getting tired of the questions. He knew these sessions helped, but he wanted to leave Nancy and the past just where they belonged, in the past.
"I pulled down my pants, and let's just say he didn't want to play with her," he smiled. "She kicked me out."
"How did that make you feel?"
"Hopeless. I thought she was a friend. I had nowhere else to go, and three days had gone by that I hadn't eaten. Then when my stomach couldn't take it anymore, I started begging, and my guardian angel delivered me some waffles and chicken," he chuckled. Maya was just that, his angel.
"I'm guessing you’re talking about your wife?"
"Yes," he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I feel so out of place."
"Harvey, it's okay to feel out of place for a while. You went from being a homeless man, to being a husband again, and now a dad. It’s going to take some time to get used to it." Sandra crossed her legs. "How is it having your own family?"
He smiled. "Being around Maya and Bella is everything I ever wished for." He shook his leg. "Getting to know my baby girl is so much fun. She's so full of energy."
"But?" she watched him.
"I'm not sure how to act around Maya," Jesse combed his fingers through his hair.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know if she really wants me there, or if she's feeling obligated to help me. She's trying to please me, but I don't want that."
"What do you want?"
"My wife," he sighed. "My best friend."
"Do you think you two could find what you once had again?"
"I don't know," Jesse leaned forward.
"Do you want to fight for your marriage?"
"Yes."
"How would you have felt if Maya ran out on you instead?"
"Devastated." Jesse knew what he did hurt his family, but he couldn't change what happened. He was hopeless. Jesse felt if he had stayed it would've ended them completely.
"So you understand how she feels?"
"Yes."
***
"How do you feel having Jesse back?" Sandra stared at Maya.
Maya sighed, "I feel like shit." She had to remember she wasn't talking to her friend at the moment. She was talking to PhD Valle.
"Why?"
"Because," she looked out the window. "I can't believe he was homeless. I should've known where he was.” Maya’s mind drifted to the day she found him. “I knew he was troubled. I should've been there for him, he had a home. Why live on the streets?" Maya started getting emotional all over again. She was beyond happy to have him back, but she was angry at him too.
"Maya, you can't blame yourself. You never thought your husband would've been living on the streets. None of us could've seen this coming. He was sick, he couldn't see past his pain, it had nothing to do with you."
"Why did he leave me?" Her voice rattled. "Was I so bad?"
"Maya," Sandra took her hand in hers. "Jesse didn't leave you, he left behind his pain. Or that's what he thought. That man loved you more than you know."
Maya wiped her eyes. "I wasn't enough without our baby."
"That's not true. The baby became his lifeline after everything he went through. Jr was the light at the end of the tunnel, and when he died something that Jesse was holding onto d
ied too."
"I loved him."
"Loved?” Sandra squeezed her hand. “Do you want to fight for your husband?"
"Does he?"
"That's not an answer,” Sandra released her hand and sat back, “were talking about you."
“I do,” Maya’s heart was broken, but she couldn’t lie to herself or Sandra. "I still love Jesse."
"Then let's work on saving your marriage."
***
Jesse stared at Maya as she entwined her hands together. His legs shook, and his palms were sweaty as he rubbed them on his thighs. Jesse was nervous, this was the beginning of letting go of the past, and looking forward to the future.
Sandra was quiet before she began writing on her notepad. "Why are you guys here today?"
Jesse and Maya didn't answer.
Sandra just stared at both of them. "Okay, if this is going to work I need you to talk. Do I have to ask the question again?"
"No," Maya spoke up. "I'm here because I need some answers." She looked at Sandra.
“Jesse, why are you here?”
“I need help,” he barely heard himself talk.
Sandra, like always, started writing on her white notepad. "Maya, what answers are you searching for?"
Jesse thought he was ready, but all of a sudden he was having second thoughts about letting Maya into his session.
"Why did he leave me?" Her voice was soft, but he could hear the sadness.
"Maya he's right next to you," Sandra put down her pen. "Look at your husband and ask him any questions you have."
Maya twisted her body around, "Jesse, I've asked you this question over and over, but I'm not satisfied with your answer, it's like you're holding back. Why did you leave me alone?" She tried fighting back the tears in her eyes.
Yeah he wasn't ready to face his fears, but if he wanted his family he had to swallow his fears and hit them head on. "Maya, I didn't leave you."
Her nostrils flared, "What do you mean you didn't leave me? You did!" She raised her voice. "I wasn't enough for you after I lost our child?" She questioned as tears rolled down her cheeks.
