The Locklear Letters

by Michael Kun

  EDUCATION:

  University of California at Los Angeles

  (B.A., Major–English, Minor–Computer Sciences)

  EMPLOYMENT: Consultant, Present

  Empire Software, nine years

  Regional Vice President

  Assistant Vice President

  Regional Manager

  Compu-Tech Software, four years

  Regional Manager

  Salesperson

  Compu-Craft Computers, six years

  Salesperson

  HOBBIES: Reading, sports, computers.

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I still haven’t found the right job yet, but I’m in no hurry. It’s probably not all that different from your career. You don’t want to say “yes” to every script that they throw in front of you; you want to wait for the “right” one. It’s just a matter of time, I’m sure.

  While I’ve got some time on my hands, I’ve started playing softball in a coed league here in town. So far, so good. I’m on a team called “the Lemonheads” (named after the candy). I don’t know anyone on the team but they all seem like nice people. I’m playing rightfield. We won our first game 10-6, then went out for pizza and beer afterwards. It’s always nice to make new friends.

  I hope all is well with you these days.

  Take care.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. I still haven’t been able to find Tracy Swid’s address or phone number. The alumni office’s information is completely outdated. They say she’s living in Philadelphia, but when I tried the number they gave me, the person who answered had never heard of Tracy. You wouldn’t know how to reach her, would you?

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Spellman:

  I haven’t heard from Heather recently.

  Would you please confirm that you’re forwarding my notes to her?

  Thanks,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I woke up this morning, watched television and read the newspaper. And as I was turning the pages, I noticed the date at the top of the page and realized that today is my birthday. Today is my 42nd birthday, and not only has everyone else forgotten, but I’d forgotten, too.

  I’m 42 years old now.

  I have no friends to speak of.

  I live with my parents.

  They don’t even have cable television.

  I used to be happy. You remember me, Heather. You remember how happy I was, don’t you? Don’t you?

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I know you’re not reading these letters. I know they’re not even reaching you. I know that. I do.

  If anyone ever asks me, I tell them I knew a movie star once. I knew her before she was a movie star, before I even had a sense that she might someday become a movie star, when she was just some cute, funny girl I’d talk to every once in a while. And I liked her before she became a movie star. She was a good and decent and honest person, and when I see her on TV or read about her in a magazine now, I can tell that she’s still a good and decent and honest person. I don’t care how good of an actress she is, she still has that same look in her eyes and the same twist of a smile that tells me that she really is the same good and decent and honest person whom I knew once. And if she’s still good and decent and honest, then maybe all of these movie stars are good and decent and honest, too, because that’s what I want them to be. George Clooney and Meryl Streep and Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise and Catherine Zeta-Jones, maybe they’re all good and decent and honest, too, because surely there were people who knew and liked them before they became stars, right? Maybe all of them are just normal people, just like the girl I knew in college. Maybe they’re just like the rest of us, in a way. And if they can succeed and be happy, maybe I can do the same, right? And maybe every once in a while, when they have a quiet moment and close their eyes, they think of the rest of us. And maybe, just maybe, they root for us the same way we root for them. Maybe they’re rooting for me right now.

  So I know you’re not reading these letters, Heather. I know that the same way I know that the sky is blue, that ice is cold, that the sun will struggle up in the morning and the world will keep turning. But I’m going to keep writing these letters anyway, if you don’t mind. I’m afraid of what will happen if I stop. I’m afraid I’ll literally stop breathing. These letters are all I have these days. These letters and the dim hope that a girl I barely knew in college is thinking of me and praying for me.

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To the Baltimore Union Mission:

  I am in receipt of your recent letter, which was forwarded to my new address. I completely understand your position. I hope you understand my position as well; I’m afraid I’ve been going through a very difficult time both personally and financially. How about if we just split it down the middle and you return $50 to me? That makes sense, don’t you think?

  Keep up the good work. I will look forward to hearing from you soon.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mrs. Kramer:

  THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON AS “SAD STRIW”! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw (not “Sad Striw”)

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mrs. Kramer:

  Please stop sending letters to “Sad Striw.” THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON. Really. I swear.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mrs. Kramer:

  Please stop faxing me letters.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SAD STRIW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mrs. Kramer:

  Thank you for your note regarding Sid Straw, who apparently cashed one of my unemployment checks. While I appreciate your suggestion, I have no interest in prosecuting Mr. Straw. I am curious about two things, however: 1) how did you find out about the restraining orders, and 2) who told you he was a Communist?

  Sincerely,

  Sad Striw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To the American Cancer Society,

  There appears to be a terrible mix-up. I have no idea how this could have happened. I agree that there is no humor to be found in this incident.

  I am enclosing a donation of $50.00. I hope it will help in your efforts to rid the world of this terrible disease.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To Whom It May Concern,

  The adhesive labels I sent you for my copies of Big Boobs were to be used for the sender, not the recipient, of the envelopes. The packages should indicate that they are sent from the American Cancer Society; they should not be sent to the American Cancer Society.

  I would appreciate it if you would make that correction in the future.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To the Baltimore Union Mission:

  I don’t mean to rush you, but I really need that $50 back.

  Thank you.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

>   18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  To the Baltimore Union Mission:

  Thank you very much for the food delivery that you made to me and my family at my parents’ home last night. It was very kind of you, but it was entirely unnecessary. While I have had a rough time of late, we are not in need of your assistance.

  Thank you again. Keep up the good work.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dad,

  I apologize for what happened last night. I am sorry that you were embarrassed in front of the neighbors.

  I have already written to the Baltimore Union Mission to let them know that there is no reason to deliver food to us.

  Love,

  Sid

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I just had a memory. I just had a memory about something I’m certain I hadn’t thought of in the past ten years, if not longer than that, and I had to write to you right away.

  Do you remember that intramural volleyball team you and I were on freshman year? The name of our team was something silly like “Hot Girls and the Men Who Adore Them,” and the only reason I played at all was because Tracy Swid was on the team and I was convinced that it was a good way to get to know her. I think the team was me, you, Tracy, Dave Lambert, Tommy Aimes, Cindy Calcaterra—those are the only ones I can remember right now. And I remember that we must have had the shortest team in the entire league—not one of us was over six feet tall.

  Anyway, I remember that we signed up late, so we got put in the most competitive league. I remember we lost every single match, often by a large margin, but we always had fun and would go out for pizza and beer afterwards. Until the time we had to play a bunch of jocks from one of the fraternities. They were huge, and they were good athletes; I think some were on the football team. I remember that they were killing us, that we could hardly score a point, that they were spiking ball after ball. But what I also remember is that instead of being decent about beating us, they were horrible. They were making rude comments about what they wanted to do to you and Tracy and the other girls, and they were poking fun at all of the guys on our team.

  Do you remember any of this?

  Do you remember that we were a couple points away from losing the match? A couple points, and then we could all go out for beer and pizza? But then you called a timeout, and when we all gathered in a huddle you said, “Did all of you eat your Wheaties this morning? Because now’s the time when they’re going to kick in. Let’s beat these jerks.” Then you gave everyone instructions about what we were all supposed to do. And just before we went on the court, I remember you winking at me and whispering, “It works in the movies.” But what happened next was incredible. It actually sends a chill down my spine just thinking about it again. We started playing like we’d never played before. I can picture Cindy setting the ball, I can picture Tommy spiking it. We started winning point after point. I remember you looking at me, opening your eyes wide and mouthing, “Oh my God,” like you couldn’t believe what was happening. A couple times we were one point away from losing the match, but somehow we’d end up staving off defeat—Dave would block a spike, or Tracy would dig a ball out just before it hit the floor—and then we’d win a few more points. It would make a much better story if we ended up winning, but we didn’t. But we almost won, and it was far closer than it had any right to be. And that was when you started saying, “Eat Wheaties” whenever you said goodbye to people. That’s what started it.

  Do you remember any of this? Because I remember it all so clearly now.

  And I’ll tell you something else: things haven’t been going too well for me lately, but I had my Wheaties this morning, and I feel them about to kick in.

  Thanks, Heather! Whether you get this letter or not, you have my thanks.

  Sid

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Frankel:

  I am sorry if my initial reaction to your job offer was less enthusiastic than you had expected. After having thought about it, I am pleased to accept your offer of a Salesperson position. I look forward to a long and mutually satisfying career at Spartina Software. While a Salesperson position is a step back for me, I assure you that you’ve just hired the best Salesperson you’ve ever had. I know it’s just a matter of time before I’ll be taking on some managerial duties and helping to lead the company into the future!

  I look forward to seeing you on Monday morning for orientation.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  Great news—I got a new job at Spartina Software!

  Other great news—I met a terrific girl at one of our softball games. Her name is Debra. She’s got brown hair and green eyes, and she’s a heck of a softball player, too. She’s an angel, Heather, an absolute angel. Anyway, I’m having dinner with her on Thursday night. Keep your fingers crossed for me (except when shaving your legs, of course—that could be dangerous!).

  Hope all is well with you these days.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Assuming things work out with Debra and she accompanies me to the reunion (if I still go), I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell her about the restraining orders. Or how I was fired. Or the harassment charges. Or my children’s story. Or my novel. (Actually, it might be best if you pretend you don’t understand English!)

  Dear Mrs. Kramer,

  I regret to inform you that Sad Striw has died tragically.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Sad Striw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Heather,

  I’ve been out twice with Debra. She’s a terrific girl. She’s pretty, and she has a great sense of humor (meaning that she laughs at all my jokes). This could be the one.

  Anyway, I need to get back to work.

  Again, my apologies.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Have you signed up for the reunion events yet?

  Dear Mrs. Kramer,

  It was a hunting accident.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Sad Striw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mom and Dad,

  I have no idea who ordered those magazines! It must be a practical joke someone in the neighborhood is playing.

  Love,

  Sid

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Agent Friedlander:

  No, I’m not trying to “flee.” If I were trying to flee, would I give the post office “change of address” forms? I’d have to be the stupidest criminal in the world, and I’m certainly not that stupid. Or a criminal.

  Now, will you kindly leave me and my family alone?

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Dear Mr. Haring:

  Thank you for your interest in publishing an article about the disappearance of my husband’s corpse in The Los Angeles Times.

  I am afraid I cannot cooperate with you on your story. Please let me and the children grieve with dignity. If you really feel you must write about this matter, perhaps you should contact Frank Riceborough or Henry Callahan. They were the people who were hunting with my husband when he was “accidentally” shot.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Sad Striw

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Monaghan,

  I hope you are feeling better.

  I am sure you will be out of the hospital in no time at a
ll!

  Please understand that I did not tell my father that you were sending pornographic magazines to our home.

  In any event, I hope these chocolates will cheer you up.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. It appears that you mistakenly included a photograph of yourself sporting a black eye. It was a mistake, wasn’t it?

  SID STRAW

  18 PONY PLACE

  TOWSON, MARYLAND 21294

  Dear Mr. Fisk:

  Thank you for your note. I am pleased to hear you are a member in good standing of the Maryland State Bar once again. I am also pleased that you will be able to assist my father with the assault charges that were brought against him following his fistfight with Ted Monaghan. I assure you that it was part of a terrible misunderstanding.

  I will keep you in mind should I ever have the need for legal advice myself.

  Sincerely,