The Locklear Letters
Page 13
Dear Heather,
Thanks for your kind note. It was great to hear from you. You have no need to apologize for your agent’s delay in forwarding my letters to you. I know how busy things get in Hollywood. (Actually, I don’t “know” that at all; I just assume it’s busy from everything everyone says.) No need to apologize for your lawyer, either.
There’s no reason for you to be nervous about going back for the reunion next weekend. People are proud of you, Heather. I mean that sincerely. You’re wrong in thinking that people will be laughing behind your back. Your success may be different from that of some of our classmates, but success is success. And, in your field, you’re a TREMENDOUS success. But you know that already.
Also, thanks for the lovely picture of you and your family. I’m glad to hear you’re enjoying married life. I’d love to meet your husband and your daughter—another reason why you should go to the reunion! (I promise not to tell them about Keith Stelner. I have no idea whatsoever how you could have dated that guy. He smelled like feet, or didn’t you notice?) And I was thrilled to hear that your daughter got a kick out of “Fred Smells” when you read it to her! I guess it wasn’t as terrible as I thought it was!
To answer your question, of course I remember the time you wrote “JUST A LITTLE KATZ NAP” on the blackboard in Dr. Katz’s class. And who could forget the Watermelon Punch Party at Phi Mu sophomore year?! Even now, after all these years, I can’t look at a watermelon without getting a little bit nauseated. You put WAY too much vodka in that punch! You girls were crazy—but that’s why we all liked you!
Thanks also for your sweet comments about my promotion. I know it may not sound exciting to you—heck, it doesn’t even sound exciting to ME—but it’s nice to know that the people I work with appreciate me. (Yes, I will send you my new business card, as you requested. God only knows what you’re going to do with it. Maybe you could slip it to Drew Barrymore, hint, hint.)
I need to get back to work. I’ll drop you a note soon. In the meantime, I’ll look forward to seeing you and your family at the reunion. DON’T CHICKEN OUT! We all love you and want to see you, so mark it on your calendar.
Eat Wheaties!
Your friend,
Sid Straw
P.S. I’m thrilled to hear that Tracy will be at the reunion. Maybe we could all go out for a drink. I’m sure Macy wouldn’t object. The drinks, of course, are on me.
P.P.S. I can’t believe you told Jay Leno about the time Dave Lambert gave Sharon Stone a wedgie when you were on The Tonight Show the other night!
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Janet,
Your apology was very kind, but entirely unnecessary. I was pleased to hear that Heather sent you a note to confirm that she in fact had autographed that photo for Tom’s birthday. And it’s just like her to invite you to join us all for dinner the next time she’s in Baltimore. She’s always been as sweet as pudding and twice as nice. But you’re only allowed to have dinner with us if you agree to wear your beaded belt! Sounds like a fair deal to me.
Love,
Sid
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Macy and I enjoyed seeing you and your family at the reunion last weekend. What a great time! Your husband is very charming, and your daughter is adorable. Macy wants to know if we can borrow her for a couple days! What’s the going rate for something like that? Do we rent her by the day or by the week?
That was a hilarious story you told at brunch. I had no idea whatsoever that you had a bit of a crush on me back in college. I’m very flattered, to say the least.
Most importantly, I wanted to write to respond to your very kind offer. As much as Macy and I would love to spend Christmas with you and your family in Southern California, I’m afraid Macy had already told her parents we’ll be spending it with them. In Detroit. That, I believe, ought to be proof enough that I’m in love. Maybe we can come out next year?
Again, it was great to see you. And I promise I’ll send you more of Invisible Sam if I ever get around to finishing it. I’m glad you enjoyed it so much, it’s just so hard to find time to write!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid
P.S. Do you have any interest in co-chairing the next reunion with me? It’s only five years away!
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Tomberlin,
Thank you for your comments regarding the different directions you envision taking the book after Chapter 1. While I appreciate your comments, I am pretty certain that I do not want to change the name of the book from Invisible Sam to Insatiable Sam: The Man Who Loved Sluts. In fact, maybe it’d be better if we just dropped this project altogether. I’m busy enough at work as it is.
Best wishes,
Sid Straw
Flower Land
Macy—
Those aren’t my magazines! I SWEAR!
Ted
Sid Straw
2628 Federal Hill Road No. 202
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Can you do me a favor?
—Sid
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to acknowledge the friendship and patience of the following good people, all of whom have put up with my nonsense for far too long. They are, more or less alphabetically: the Andersons, Mike Andresino, Cecily Banks, Andy Bienstock, Kevin Bjerregaard, Sandra Bond, Reid Bowman, the Campbells, Mike Callahan, Claire Chanenchuk, the Cherofs, Milton Cummings, the DeAndreas, Andrea Dresdner, Max Farber, Eric Feinstein, Doug Fellman, Rich Hafets, Chris Hampton, Debbie Hennelly, Brent Houk, the Ianellos, my friends at Jackson Lewis, the Johns Hopkins University Class of 1984, Bert Johnson, the Johnsons, the Kennedys, Lisa Kluck, the Kuns, the Larias, Steve Lebau, Cecily Lesko, Holly Levin, Ann Lloyd, the Longos, Lisa Mantone, Linda Mason, Sharon McConnell, the McGees, Nancy Miles, Susan Mullen, Mindy Novick, Maria Olson, my friends at the law firm formerly known as Piper & Marbury, Carol Prescott, Bill Quinn, the Richardsons, Ann Rumsey, the Solitars, Teresa Siriani, Jon Spitz, Larry Stone, the University of Virginia School of Law Class of 1988, Gina Villetti, Wendy Wahl, Pat Walsh, the Weymers, Cara Wilson and Michael Yockel. I can only hope that seeing your name in this book will make you smile and convince you to put up with me for another couple weeks. If not, I respectfully request that you cross your name out with a thick black magic marker. And, of course, special thanks to Heather Locklear, her management and her representatives, all of whom will hopefully get a bigger laugh out of this than anyone else.