Lost Trails

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Zander left his room and crossed the long expanse of the hallway across the kitchen, through the dining room, to the front door. He ran a hand through his wayward hair and swung the front door open.

  Hannah turned to face him from looking out over the front yard. The sunrise colors painted the background behind her, softening the lines of her braid and around her eyes.

  She twisted her jaw to the side, narrowing her gaze while she took in his presence.

  Zander rested his hand on the edge of the door and stared. She had to be the most welcome sight he’d ever seen. He had to take the sight of her in. Had she forgiven him? She’d come to him. All that way. He smiled, unable to hide his delight.

  But Hannah wasn’t happy to see him. She thrust her hand on her hip and cocked her head to the side. “What? You work here now? I can’t escape you.” She laughed derisively. “Or you can’t escape me.”

  Zander ignored her anger. She was there. Her words didn’t make sense, but her presence made up for any confusion. “You’re finally here. This is a lot sooner than I thought, but... I’m so glad.” He smiled at her. He couldn’t keep his joy from his face.

  Hannah furrowed her brow, jutting her chin outward as she slapped her second hand on her hip. She stepped back, inspecting the door and then around at the yard. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I came to find Nate. Drake told me I could find information about my brother here. Did you know the whole time?”

  “Drake didn’t tell you I was here, too?” The pieces started to fall into place, crushing him across the chest like a vice had been put in place and was slowly tightening around him. Drake was going to make him tell her. Zander had hoped to get out of that part, have her deal with it where he wouldn’t have to see her disappointment. Apparently, Drake had other ideas.

  “No. Why would he?” Hannah squared up her feet, something deep in her gaze Zander didn’t want to inspect too closely.

  Would she have come, if she’d know he was there? A sinking sensation in his gut told him even the promise of her brother wouldn’t have brought her there, if she’d known. He wasn’t sure if he should thank Drake or curse him for keeping that part a secret.

  Zander inclined his head, dropping his hand to his side. He stepped past her, pulling the door shut behind him. “Give me a minute and I’ll grab Nathan.”

  “He’s here. Nate is here?” Hannah’s voice shrunk and the sound broke his heart. “Zander... are you Alexander Strong?”

  Zander stopped at the top of the steps leading from the porch. He hung his head, turning back to face her after the space of a few seconds. “Yes, I am. I told Drake everything. I thought for sure he’d told you.” He took a deep breath and softly shook his head. “I’m so sorry, Hannah. I went there to find you. I wanted you...”

  Pain turned down Hannah’s lips. She studied him, raising her face to see him better. “You own all of this?” She walked to the western side of the deck, taking in the vast expanse of land.

  Zander knew what her view was, he’d stared at it more times than he could count over the years. Would she be impressed by the sheer size of it? The fencing was invisible from where they stood. The house was in the middle of thousands of acres that stretched as far as the eye could see.

  Outbuildings on the east side of the homestead worked with large pines to break up the wind that constantly drove from the west. Chickens and pigs lived in the pens along the outbuildings, but some of his cattle grazed just past the main fencing.

  He finally answered the question she’d asked, but he hadn’t wanted to own up to. “Yes, Silver Spoons Ranch is mine.”

  She braced her hands on the top of the deck railing, shaking her head. “You own all of this... why would you work at Bella Acres? Our ranch is nothing compared to yours. It’s... why?” Was that betrayal in her tone and the slouch of her shoulders?

  “Because he wanted to meet you and the rest of the Trails.” Nathan’s low voice answered her question before Zander could. His friend walked up the rest of the steps and glanced at Zander as he passed by. He cocked his head as he moved between Zander and Hannah. “I heard the truck pull up. You never have visitors this early.” He glanced at Hannah and then back at Zander. “She came. I guess you were right.”

  Hannah turned slowly, tears in her eyes unabashedly streaming down her face. “You’re here. After all this time... You’ve been here.” She wiped at her cheeks, flicking her gaze to Zander’s face. “You’ve known him this whole time? Did you know him when you met me and I asked you about him? And you said you didn’t know him?”

  Lamely, Zander lifted a hand and then dropped it to his side. “I said I didn’t know a Nate Rourke. I don’t. I know a Nathan Rourke.” His defense was weak and pathetic and he regretted the words as soon as he’d uttered them.

  Hannah jerked back, twisting her lips. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to justify this? With that?” She turned from Zander to Nathan, studying him with her hands clenched into fists at her side.

  Hannah approached him slowly, fury and disbelief stamped in the tightness of her mouth and eyes. She stared at him for a long moment and then let her hand fly, her palm slapping across his face with enough force to turn his head to the side. She dropped her hand beside her, clenched again into a white-knuckled fist.

  “You. Where have you been? You’ve missed so much. You’ve... We’ve had weddings and... we’ve had so much...” Her voice dropped into a whisper, she blinked back tears, pain racking through her voice. “I’ve grown up, Nate. You missed it. You’ve missed all of it. For what?” She glanced around at the ranch. “This? You missed all of our lives, your life, so you could ranch hand?”

  Nathan looked away, the muscles in his cheek ticking.

  “Look at me! Look at me when you make your excuses.” Hannah’s voice rose.

  Glancing at Zander, Nathan blinked back the shame in his gaze. “I...” Nathan lifted his chin and then turned his gaze to his sister. “I don’t owe you anything, Hannah.”

  She stepped toward him with slow deliberation, leaving the tears on her face. “You don’t owe me anything?” She nodded jerkily, then without warning, she threw back her head and laughed. The sound so juxtaposed with the moment and out of character enough Nathan looked more shocked than if she’d slapped him again.

  Hannah caught her breath and shook her head. “How dare you? You’ve ruined everything for me. You’ve destroyed so many pieces of my heart... I can’t even fall in love without you messing it up! I’m sorry I’ve ever looked for you. I’m sorry I’ve wasted so much of my time and efforts, looking for you. You obviously don’t want us back.” She stepped close to him, lowering her voice. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

  Hannah pushed past him, a sob catching in her throat as she paused, meeting Zander’s gaze with her own.

  “Hannah, please, let me explain.” Zander reached out to take her hand.

  “It’s a little late for explanations, Alexander. Don’t you think?” Tears freely flowed down her cheeks as she brushed past Zander.

  The two men stared at each other as the sound of her fleeing steps carried back to them. Zander winced when her car door slammed shut and Nathan finally broke eye contact as he moved to the side of the deck to watch her car speed down the drive.

  After a moment of breathlessness, Zander forced himself to take a deep breath. She’d been there and then she’d left.

  His heart felt like it had a moment’s reprieve from starvation by her presence and now hurt doubly worse.

  Nathan turned back to Zander, a tic in his jaw giving away his anger. “Did she just say fell in love? Is that with you?”

  Zander hadn’t even picked that up. He’d been too busy staring at her, wishing he could fix the tearing of her heart strings.

  Was it possible? “Had she? I missed that.” Zander filled with wonder. If she’d fallen for him, maybe there would’ve been a chance for him. A chance before he’d messed up so bad... he’d never get it back, not with th
e lies and the pain she was going to associate with him now.

  Out of nowhere, Nathan’s fist connected with Zander’s jaw and he stumbled to the side. Shaking his head, Zander grabbed at the throbbing point. “What was that for?”

  Thrusting a finger toward Zander’s face, Nathan ground out. “You’re lucky you’re my friend, or I would kill you right now. I thought the love was only one way. I was sure Hannah was too smart to fall for you... but... I need some time to think this through. I can’t be a part of her heart breaking... not more than what I’ve caused already.”

  He turned away, leaving Zander to wonder just how much he was meant to lose.

  Chapter 21

  Hannah

  The drive had been long and after leaving Zander’s ranch, the short drive to Mersdin had been surprising and not barely long enough to cool down. The sun was up completely by the time she pulled into the parking lot the school map showed was the lot for visitors.

  She was too early to sign in for the tour, too early for anything. A hotel room wouldn’t be on her list until after she’d gone on the tour. Finding a restroom to freshen up was next on her list. Second only to...

  Hannah turned off the engine and leaned back in the driver’s seat.

  Ironically, or maybe not so much anymore, the Culinary Institute of North Dakota was only across the state line from Mersdin which wasn’t too far from Zander’s place. She had seen the name of his town by the college’s location on the map. The universe had a horrible sense of humor.

  She wasn’t sure she could handle him being that close. Not after he’d lied to her and withheld information that he knew she needed. The whole drive there had been fueled by righteous anger, anger at the lies, anger at Nate’s attitude toward her. Anger at so many people.

  The miles between Mersdin and Silver Spoons Ranch weren’t enough to get over being mad, but they were enough to give her enough time to think. She wasn’t far from where he was. Hannah had to face reality.

  Nathan was there with him. Slapping her brother had been the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted to reach out and fall into his arms and weep. Just cry. He hadn’t even tried to touch her or tell her he’d missed her.

  Maybe she really was nothing to him. None of the Trails were. Being away from him had made it easy to believe that he was hurting just as badly as they all were, but was maybe too proud to admit it, too proud to come back and ask for a second chance.

  Standing in front of him with his features chiseled from granite and his icy expression staring back at her, Hannah realized it didn’t matter what she said or did. She was nothing to him.

  At least Zander had tried to stop her, had tried to apologize. The pain in his eyes had left her feeling understood, even if she was still angry at the lies.

  Could she forgive him? That was the biggest thing she had to figure out in her heart. If she could forgive him for lying to her, she could move on. Maybe they could try again. The school was so close to his place.

  Was it weak of her to want to still see him? She couldn’t help thinking she had no integrity, if she gave in and saw him. A small thrill of possibility had worked its way into her chest. If she went to school there and she could see Zander, even after the lies, even after he’d left without an explanation... maybe she could have all the possibilities she’d thought she had to give up.

  Shoving to the back of her mind was the niggling possibility that if she did continue seeing Zander, she’d be able to see Nate more. That chance had sailed. He wasn’t interested and she wasn’t going to force him. In fact, she’d probably avoid him at the ranch as much as possible.

  Wait, was she planning on going back already?

  No, she was tired and over-emotional at having seen Nate and her excitement at going into the school for a tour. She needed to leave it be and not worry about it. She could think about it later.

  Hannah gripped the steering wheel of her economy-sized car and leaned forward, resting her forehead on the vinyl cover. Rolling her head to the side, she rested her cheek on the side of her hand and stared out the window without seeing anything significant.

  Seeing Zander at Silver Spoons Ranch had been anything but cathartic. There hadn’t been closure when he’d left because she hadn’t known why he’d left. Drake had explained that something had come up at Zander’s home and seeing the size of his place, she could understand why he would have to leave.

  Seeing him at the ranch and compounding the complex swirl of emotions with the ones which had burst forth from seeing Nate with the anticipation building up to that had been overwhelming. Hannah had a hard time differentiating between the myriad of sensations and assigning which ones to who and what.

  The buildup at possibly seeing Nate hadn’t been good enough preparation to seeing Zander and finding him at the door threw her off.

  She blinked back reemerging tears. Dang it. Her anger had kept the moisture at bay after wiping them off at Zander’s place. Now, while waiting for the school to open, she had to face everything she was dealing with.

  “Okay, Hannah, what do you really want?” The sound of her voice in the confines of the small car had her lift her head and take a deep breath. She never asked herself that, not outright, just kind of in the private of her bedroom.

  What did she want? Did she want to go to school in North Dakota? Did she want to be that close to Zander? She didn’t believe he wanted to hurt her. She wasn’t sure what the circumstances had been to take him from her home, but she had a feeling it was Nate.

  Dang it, how could she love Zander? Because that’s what that was. That was the only way seeing him had hurt so much.

  The clock on her dash finally read nine and she climbed from the car, swinging her soft pink backpack over her right shoulder. She gripped the paper map she’d printed and followed the cement walkways to the admissions office where the tours were supposed to start. She’d signed up for the nine-fifteen start time.

  She had to get through that day before she ran right back to Silver Spoons Ranch and begged for both men to love her. Her brother as a brother should and Zander as she wanted him to.

  Somehow the tour passed in a blur and she wasn’t even sure what she had seen. Stainless steel, lots and lots of stainless steel.

  All she could think about was Zander and the green of his eyes. The tour guide had called on her and she’d blinked, unable to form a coherent thought.

  Somehow, she found herself sitting with a counselor whose nametag read Carol. The woman’s smile was soft. “What did you think of the tour, Hannah?” She clicked some keys on the keyboard, the sound soothing in the small office that could’ve passed for a cubicle except for the floor-to-ceiling walls and the door.

  “It was... fast.” Hannah smiled at her honesty.

  “I agree. The school isn’t large which makes the tour go very fast. But later today, you’ll have the opportunity to try out the main kitchen with some of our instructors and ask questions. That should help slow things down some.” Carol leaned forward, typing more and splitting her attention between Hannah and the screen. “Since your acceptance, your file says you haven’t responded with an acceptance or rejection just yet. Is there anything I can do to help you with your decision?”

  Hannah picked at her cuticle, nodding. She had to get her head on straight. Now was the time to ask the questions she had. “Actually, I was wondering how feasible it is to work part-time while going to school?” She needed to pay for her tuition as well as living expenses. She didn’t want to get into debt just for school, so paying upfront or on a payment plan would be the only way she could afford to attend that school – or any school.

  Please, don’t be impossible. Please. Hannah begged in her heart. She needed things to work out, for all of her dreams.

  Carol drew her eyebrows together and peered at Hannah. “Why do you need a job, Hannah? It isn’t encouraged here because of the intensity of the school.” She steepled her fingers and angled her head to watch Hannah more closely.

>   “I don’t have any other way to pay my tuition or boarding. Let alone food or the other things I’ll need.” Hannah’s dreams were slipping away again. Each time she got close something pulled the dream-rug out from under her. There was no way for her to reach out and grab it back.

  “Well, a loan would be a possibility.” Carol furrowed her brow and studied the screen. “But it says here in the notes of your file that your tuition has been guaranteed as well as a monthly stipend to be assigned to you, upon your acceptance.” She smiled soothingly at Hannah. “I’m sure you didn’t want to get a job for the fun of it. Were you aware of this benefactor?”

  The windfall was startling and took Hannah’s breath away. “No, actually. I don’t even know what you’re talking about, to be honest.” There had to be some mistake. She hadn’t applied for any grants or scholarships. The boon was breathtaking and she didn’t want to count on it, in case it had been a mistake.

  “It says here Silver Spoons Ranch is guaranteeing two plus years of expenses.” Carol glanced at Hannah, raising her eyebrows. “Sounds like you have a very thoughtful guardian angel.”

  Just when she thought she had things figured, Zander went and added more to her plate to try to wade through. She nodded dumbly, unable to speak or risk her tears to spill from her eyes again.

  Carol seemed to sense she needed more time. She reached across and handed her a box of tissues sitting on the edge of her desk.

  Hannah needed the time. But the more time she took, the more her heart was bombarded with reasons to love that man.

  Chapter 22

  Hannah

  The sun had set well past the mountain range in the distance a solid hour or so before. Clouds were rolling in but didn’t promise a storm, just a break from the mounting heat.