Faking Sweet

by J. C. Burke

  ‘You see,’ she continued, ‘you need to observe Jess shopping a few times before you attempt a planting. Although security tags could be a problem with you. It’s too difficult to teach you the way to get them off. Um …’

  But I was a step behind. ‘A … planting?’ I repeated a bit too slowly.

  ‘Yesssss, Holly.’ Calypso glared at me. ‘A planting. You know, where you plant something in Jess’s bag so it looks like she’s stolen it. I’m not talking about the green variety. Duh!’

  ‘Oh, that planting. Yeah. Yeah.’

  Calypso was shaking her head again.

  ‘So, back to Step 3,’ I began enthusiastically.

  ‘What, what sort of things am I …’ I cringed. ‘Um, observing?’

  ‘Excellent question, Holly.’

  I heard my breath escape with a whistle.

  ‘Let’s make a list of the things you should observe.’ Calypso started a fresh page.

  1. DOES SHE ALWAYS TAKE THE SAME BAG?

  2. IS THE BAG USUALLY OPEN OR CLOSED?

  3. IS IT A ZIP, DRAWSTRING, PRESS STUD ETC?

  4. WHAT SHOULDER OR HAND DOES SHE CARRY THE BAG ON/IN? LEFT OR RIGHT?

  5. DOES SHE EVER LEAVE HER BAG UNATTENDED?

  ‘That’s important.’ Calypso tapped the pen on Point 5. ‘I can’t remember if she ever put her bag down. Us shoplifters usually don’t but, you never know, you may catch her off guard.’

  I nodded till my neck almost disconnected from my shoulders. I wanted Calypso to know I was taking it all in.

  ‘Then there are the other things to observe,’ she told me. ‘Like who she shops with. That has probably changed since my day. Remember, Jess is very fickle.’ She went back to tapping the pen. The rhythm was building louder and faster. ‘Oh, of course!’ Her head duck-dived back into the book; the pen scratching along the page as she wrote furiously.

  ‘Dressing room habits,’ she announced. Her eyes flashed that danger again. ‘This is a big one, Holly.’ Calypso placed her hands on her knees and took a long, deep breath. ‘The dressing room habits of the shoplifter are of paramount importance. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Do they go into the dressing room on their own? Do they go in with a friend? Do they come out with the garment on the hanger? Or …’ She leant towards me and whispered, ‘Or, are they still wearing the garment?’

  My forehead began to crinkle as I tried to figure it out. ‘But …?’

  ‘Underneath the uniform, Hol.’

  ‘Hey?’

  ‘The stolen garments are worn underneath the uniform.’

  ‘Awwww!’ I clapped my hand over my mouth. It sounded so daring. ‘Did you ever do that?’ I blurted, forgetting Calypso didn’t like to be asked about her shoplifting. It was okay if she told me something ’cause, as she said, that was ‘her choice’. She then explained how she was suffering from some sort of post-traumatic syndrome – that’s how bad the Jess thing had been for her.

  ‘Sorry, Calypso.’ I bit my bottom lip.

  She raised her hands. ‘How many times do I have to tell you?’

  ‘Sorry.’

  Little tears were beginning to pool in the corners of her eyes. ‘Jess was fully into that style of shoplifting,’ she said. ‘Once she walked out wearing three bras, five pairs of knickers, two t-shirts and three belts. All under her winter uniform.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘But the day we got caught,’ Calypso was beginning to twist her neck in a weird way, ‘was the day she wouldn’t do it.’ A bit of spit torpedoed into my eye. ‘That afternoon she just changed her mind.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because,’ Calypso’s face was turning a purpley-red, ‘the last time she’d worn stuff under her uniform a pack of boys from St Paul’s called out “fatso” when she walked past.’

  I wanted to laugh but thought the better of it.

  ‘Oh well, it was okay for ME to look fat, wasn’t it?’ Calypso was almost shouting. ‘It didn’t matter if they puffed out their cheeks and shouted “FATSO” to me.’

  ‘Did they?’

  ‘No!’ Calypso barked. ‘’Cause that’s the day we, I, got caught.’ Her jaw was trembling and now her face was bright purple.

  ‘But, but …’ I had to ask this. ‘Didn’t you get busted stealing four pairs of skinny-leg jeans?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You were …?’

  ‘Wearing them,’ she snarled through gritted teeth. ‘One over the other. A blue, two greens, then a red on top. It was pretty hard to walk, let alone run. But it was okay for Jess. She just had some top stuffed into her bag. So she could run. And run she did. She left me to cop it all. I’d love to know what she did with it. It was a Zubi black-and-white striped singlet with a belt on the back. I bet she threw it in the bin on the way home. Chicken.’

  ‘That’s so low.’

  ‘Yep.’ Calypso nodded stiffly. ‘She’s lower than low, Holly. Jess Flynn is evil.’

  ‘Jess Flynn is evil,’ I agreed.

  ‘Jess Flynn, you’re evil!’

  But it was someone else saying those words. I realised I was still sitting on the ledge at St Clemmie’s, and the racket was coming from down below. From the noisy ‘it’ girls. They were shrieking and laughing.

  ‘You’re sooooo bad, Jess,’ Saskia was screeching. ‘Evil!’

  ‘I’m not!’ Jess squealed. ‘I’m just … just honest!’

  Whatever Miss Honesty 2006 was saying sure was cracking everyone up.

  ‘If Scott finds out what you said,’ Isabelle sang, ‘you’re in biiiiig trouble.’

  So what was Jess saying that precious Scott couldn’t hear? Maybe she was planning another kidnapping of someone else’s boyfriend? I wouldn’t put it past her. Then I thought: that could be good. Perhaps Scott would end up getting a dose of his own medicine after all.

  That’s what I didn’t get. Calypso had designed this intricate plan to pay Jess back for the shoplifting, yet she didn’t want to do anything to get Scott for hooking up with Jess behind Calypso’s back. I think it was because she was still in love with him. She would never admit to it though.

  I wanted Scott to fall flat on his cute little face. He was just as bad as Jess. It takes two tongues, which sounds disgusting I know, but that’s what Miranda ‘the skank’ said when I caught her sandwiched against Joe, his hands under her pink lacy top, exploring every bump on her body … well, the important bumps, which happened to be the ones I was lacking in. I tried to push the image out of my head, yet it was that pink lacy top that led to everything.

  The very, very first time Calypso asked me over was two days after I found out I was going to St Clementine’s. We’d been friendly for a couple of weeks, mostly since she’d found out about my boyfriend cheating on me. Calypso was so kind. I couldn’t believe it. She took me under her wing and comforted me. Finally I had a proper friend who’d actually asked me over to their place, and now I was moving to Sydney. My life was a disaster.

  We were in Calypso’s bedroom when I saw the picture of Calypso with Scott and Jess. At that stage I didn’t even know who they were or what had happened. All I saw was that the pretty blonde girl in the photo was wearing the exact same pink lacy top Miranda was wearing the day I caught her trying to eat Joe’s face.

  ‘Oh my God.’ My knees gave way onto Calypso’s bed. ‘That girl.’

  ‘Jess Flynn!’ Calypso jumped. ‘Do you know her?’

  ‘No.’ I put my hands over my face. ‘But she’s wearing the very same top Miranda was wearing the night she cheated with Joe.’

  ‘Oh,’ Calypso replied. ‘Oh?’

  ‘Wow,’ I gasped. ‘It’s just spun me out a bit,’ I whispered. ‘I’ll be fine. Sorry, sorry I’m being stupid. You must be so sick of me banging on about Joe and Miranda. It must be so boring for you.’

  Calypso watched me; a smile spreading across her face, which now I know wasn’t a happy smile. I think it was more a look of the world being lifted off her shoulders. She g
ot down on her knees and took my hands.

  ‘Hol,’ she said softly. ‘It’s not boring. Not boring at all. You see I, I …’ She bit her lip. I realised she was trying not to cry.

  ‘Calypso?’

  ‘Hol, I understand exactly what you’re going through because … because, I’ve been through it too.’ She put her head on my knees. ‘I’ve been to hell and back, Holly.’

  That afternoon Calypso told me everything: the story of Scott and her, and how in love they were; the shoplifting at Jeans General that Jess didn’t own up to; and how Jess then turned all the ‘it’ girls against her.

  But that wasn’t the worst bit. One Saturday afternoon when Calypso was meant to meet Scott at his place, she walked in to find Scott and Jess together. There was her boyfriend with her best friend rolling around on the floor of his parents’ bedroom.

  ‘I still don’t understand why Scott did it,’ Calypso whispered. ‘He told me he loved me. He told me I was the only one.’

  All I could do was shake my head. I had never heard anything so terrible in my life. All the blubbering I’d done over Joe and me. I’d been so caught up in myself, never once asking Calypso how her life was going. I felt ashamed.

  ‘Maybe Jess just got too, you know … hot with him and he couldn’t say no? I think that’s what Miranda did to Joe.’

  ‘Jess was so jealous. Apparently she’d had a thing about Scott for ages. I reckon he was almost too scared to say no to her. You know how girls like Jess get when they don’t get their own way.’ Calypso was starting to peel away each nail. ‘Jess was so unpredictable. Nasty. Psycho. Yep, Scott was scared of her. I could tell.’

  ‘Is that why he stayed with Jess?’ I had always fantasised that’s how Miranda got her claws into Joe, when really I knew it was the two watermelons on her chest that clinched the deal. ‘Calypso? Do you think that’s why, ’cause he was scared of her?’

  ‘Hmmm?’ She looked up at me. ‘I don’t want to talk about it any more, Hol. That’s the most I’ve spoken about it to anyone, you know. It makes me too sad. Okay?’

  I knew what that sadness was like. It was a pain like your heart had dropped to the bottom of your feet, and every time you lifted your foot you squashed it just a little bit more.

  ‘At least I can trust you, Holly. I mean, I think I can. It’s hard after someone does that to you. You end up not knowing who your friends really are. I can trust you can’t I, Hol? With me, honesty is everything.’

  ‘Yes! Yes. You can trust me.’

  ‘You’re my best friend.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yep.’

  That day my heart felt like it was going to explode. I wanted to give Calypso the biggest hug. But the way she was looking made me decide to leave it for another time.

  ‘Holly?’ Calypso was staring right at me.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Would you do something for me when you’re in Sydney?’

  ‘Anything.’

  ‘It’s … a big ask.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Hey, we’re besties,’ I reminded her. ‘Besties will do anything for each other.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she answered.

  Together we smiled.

  Now up on the ledge outside the Science lab I found myself smiling. It was a special day that one. Being in Sydney for second term was worth it, even if it meant not hanging out with Calypso for a bit. My mission here was far more important. Calypso called it ‘carrying out her revenge’. I called it ‘helping her recovery’. For Calypso had been to hell and back, there was no doubt about that.

  Another reason I was pleased, a private reason, was that it gave me a chance to make up for my selfish crapping on about Joe. At last I could do something for her. To be honest, the whole idea of carrying out this plan was scary. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But if I did, then I knew it would cement our friendship forever. Even if I had to move schools again and again it would be bearable, because somewhere in the world would be my soul mate Calypso.

  Beep beep. Another text from Calypso.

  Step 3. This arvo. Go girl.

  I giggled. Getting all these texts was fun. It was our secret game.

  Down below the ‘it’ girls were gathering their tanned limbs off the lawn. I looked over at Jess and saw she was gazing up at something in my direction, and smiling. I turned around, expecting to see someone standing at the window, probably one of the ‘it’ girls about to push me off the ledge. My grip tightened, but there was no one behind me, and when I turned back Jess gave me a little wave, smiling her perfect white smile.

  Dear Me,

  Not happy! Got my pressie from Scott. I was soooooooo excited pulling that box out of the bag. I should’ve been suspicious as soon as I felt the plastic wrapper coz it wasn’t the box I was expecting!!!!!!!!

  No. It was perfume. Nice yeah but what about my SMR MINI MOBILE with the fake Louis case!!! Where was that huh????? I don’t remember it coming in a box with POLO Girl written on the front.

  ‘The girls at the airport said it’s really popular, Jess.’ Like is that supposed to make me feel better?

  ‘Really?’ God I was trying hard to smile. All I wanted to do was yell THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR SCOT T. ‘Um thanks, Scott.’

  Bummed out there big time. He could’ve at least got me the Louis case. That would’ve been better than nothing.

  Scott was pretty quiet at dinner. Maybe he figured I wasn’t thrilled. He’ll get over it on his next overseas trip. His father’s got the big bucks, not mine. I’m not going to feel too bad for him. He’ll do something to make up for it. He always does.

  I couldn’t be bothered telling him about the piccy Isabelle has of him on her phone. But I did tell him about the new girl from MLG! He looked a bit squirmy too. So I exaggerated coz I wanted to make him feel guilty for getting me such a crap present. I told him Holly was good friends with Calypso. Maybe I shouldn’t have got carried away as he might start thinking Holly’s going to give him letters and stuff from Calypso and I don’t want him obsessing about Calypso. PLEASE NO! THAT WAS DUMB JESS …

  Anyway I have nothing to worry about. There is NO WAY Holly would be friends with Calypso. They are sooo nothing alike. Except she’s another Melbourne weirdo.

  She spent the whole of lunch sitting up on that window ledge outside the Science lab. If the teachers see her up there she’ll get majorly busted. I wonder if I should tell her, but she gives you these dirty looks if she thinks you’re going to come near her let alone speak to her. She’s probably really shy which is the complete opposite to how Calypso, ‘hello everyone I’m here come and worship me’ was. Thank goodness. This world is not big enough for two Calypsos.

  The only thing Scott said was, ‘Remind me how I got mixed up with that psycho girl?’

  I wonder if he still thinks about her? He doesn’t talk about her as much as he used to.

  All I said was ‘Lucky I came along and saved you.’ I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to make him feel guilty for the EL CRAPPO present. He didn’t say anything back. He knows he’s lucky to have me!

  Holly would be quite pretty if she could just tone down that outbreak on her skin. Maybe the ‘Wow Finish Foundation Concealer In One’ is the way to go. It’s so advanced. That formula could hide anything. If it could cover Isabelle’s forehead after she burnt herself with the hair straightener then it would have to work for Holly!

  There I go being too nice again and I don’t even know this girl. Come to think of it I don’t even have time to know this girl. There are so many parties happening later this term. And the dance later in the year. I should start making a list of the clothes I want to get.

  I feel better now. I don’t even feel so cross with Scott. He’s too cute to stay cross with!

  Good night,

  Lotsaluv me! Xx

  ‘Holly? Holly Holly ho ho?’ Mum was shaking me out of a dream where I was climbing onto the back of a gigantic fish that J
oe was riding like a horse.

  ‘Who’s Miss Popular this morning? Calypso’s on the phone for you.’

  ‘Huh?’ I sat up. Joe and the fish disappeared.

  ‘Calypso’s on the phone, darling.’

  ‘Calypso is on the phone?’

  Mum gave me the handset.

  ‘Mum?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Do you mind?’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ I waited for Mum to tiptoe out.

  ‘Calypso?’

  ‘Hi, Hol.’

  ‘Oh my God, Calypso, what are you doing ringing me on the home phone?’

  ‘I’m charging my mobile,’ she replied. ‘We’ve, or rather you’ve, got a big day today.’

  ‘Oh? Oh yeah, yeah, the mall.’ I looked at my watch. It was only five past seven. ‘You’re up early.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you could sleep!’ she bellowed down the receiver. ‘I’m so pumped about today, Hol. Aren’t you?’

  ‘Fully,’ I told her, reaching over for my pocket mirror. ‘I know exactly what I’ve got to do.’

  ‘Good. Tell me everything she does.’

  My zits were still bad. ‘And you’ll tell me what to do? Yeah?’

  ‘Every step.’ I could hear Calypso’s breath through the phone. ‘I’m wondering whether she’ll nick anything. I’m not sure whether she still does, but I’m dying to know.’

  ‘And if she does?’

  ‘Just watch her, Hol. Watch how she does it, where she puts it. Remember the observation instructions.’

  ‘Observation instructions,’ I repeated. One pimple was a perfect pus pie, but I was not going to squeeze it. ‘Ouch!’ It even hurt to touch.

  ‘What are you doing? Holly? Listen, please. You cannot operate without the instructions.’

  ‘Oh it’s just … don’t worry.’ I dropped the mirror on my bed. My forehead inspection would have to wait. ‘No way is Jess going to get away with anything. Just watch me.’

  ‘She won’t nick anything if she’s with the girls,’ Calypso continued. ‘They still reckon she’s Little Miss Pure and Perfect. She’ll probably just smile and nod and tell everyone how fantastic their fat bums look in pants two sizes too small for them. Yep.’ Calypso started to laugh. ‘That’s what she’ll do, stupid cow.’