Dreams Unspoken

by R. J. Layer

  The sensation of being in Maria’s arms was unlike anything Jo had known before. Even with Claire, she hadn’t felt this cared for. This was a new feeling. A feeling she liked—a lot.

  After a good cry, she composed herself. “Sorry.”

  Maria pushed a lock of hair off Jo’s forehead and their eyes met. “Sweetie, you don’t ever have to be sorry for showing emotions.”

  Their eyes remained locked in a gaze so intense it made the old cliché about time standing still seem so real. They were frozen in this moment, and there was nothing else in the world but the two of them. Jo’s heart pounded so hard she was sure Maria could see it, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from those deep dark eyes looking back at her.

  Maria’s breath had caught when Jo looked up into her eyes. She was still holding it. What was it about this strong woman exposing her emotions that made her want to hold Jo all the more?

  Jo cleared her throat and broke the trance-like gaze that threatened to cause Maria to do something regrettable—like kiss her.

  She finally took a breath and stepped back. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Sure. I’m a tough ol’ cowgirl.” Jo gave a half smile.

  Maybe, Maria thought, tough on the outside, but on the inside…Jo Marchal was a big softie with a heart of gold. And, for some unfathomable reason, she wanted to pull Jo back into her arms, to hold her and feel that heart beat against her again. Maria sat back on her stool and sipped her tea.

  The awkward silence grew long until Jo said, “You should bring Matt out this weekend. We’re supposed to have an unseasonal warm up.”

  Maria needed to clear her head of thoughts about kissing Jo. “Horses don’t like the cold?” she asked absently.

  “It’s not the horses that are bothered by the colder temperatures, it’s us warm-blooded humans.”

  Warm blood, Maria thought, that’s what’s flowing through Jo’s heart. Which only moments before was against me and flooding my body in unexpected places.

  Jo’s voice faded into the background and she drifted into a daydream. Jo’s strong arms were around her, holding her while she looked into Jo’s steely blue-gray eyes. She tilted Maria’s chin up and leaned in for a kiss.

  “Maria?”

  Maria blinked. “Hmm…”

  “I was asking if you wanted to take a ride this Saturday.”

  Maria snapped back quickly and laughed. “You’re joking, right?”

  “No.”

  “I appreciate the invitation, but I’m not ready for that. I might bring Matt out, though.”

  * * *

  Jo woke in the middle of the night from the most vivid dream she’d ever had. Her heart was racing so fiercely she could feel it drumming in her ears. She had been holding Maria in her arms and looking in her eyes. She had professed her love and was sure that Maria was about to kiss her. It was so real that Jo could smell Maria’s perfume.

  “God, I must be losing my mind,” she murmured as she stumbled to the bathroom for a drink of water. When she looked in the mirror she realized she still was wearing the T-shirt she’d had on when Maria hugged her. Stretching the fabric to her nose, she inhaled. Maria’s scent all right. She closed her eyes and relived those few close moments they shared earlier. She looked again at her image in the mirror. “This is ridiculous you know? She’s married with a kid. There’s no way she’d give that away to take up with a lesbian cowgirl, so get over this crazy fantasy.” Actually, of course, it was she who was crazy. She was talking to herself. Returning to bed, she worked at thinking of anything else until finally the sandman found her again.

  When Maria hadn’t called by Friday evening, Jo assumed she wasn’t bringing Matt out Saturday, which was okay since Kate had been calling daily and bugging her to go to dinner. She needed to get the notions of Maria out of her head, and spending time with another lesbian might be the thing to do it.

  Maria did call on Saturday morning. “We won’t be able to make it out today.”

  “I kind of figured. Maybe next weekend.”

  “Maybe…listen, I don’t know if you and your mother have plans for Thanksgiving, and I realize we’re virtual strangers to her, but I wanted to invite you both to have dinner with us.”

  “Us?”

  “We go to Kathleen’s, so it’s us, Kathleen’s family and you and your mother if you decide to join us.”

  “We haven’t even discussed it.” Jo had spoken with her mom every day since she’d returned home, but her mom hadn’t mentioned anything about the upcoming holiday. “I’m going for dinner tomorrow, I’ll ask her. When do you need to know?”

  “Whenever.”

  Jo and Kate had their dinner and rented a movie on the way back to the farm. Jo had no interest in the movie Kate picked and therefore spent the hour and forty-one minutes it was playing trying to imagine her and her mom with the West family for Thanksgiving. It was a picture she couldn’t quite bring into focus. She practically threw Kate out after the movie, using the excuse she had to get up early to spend the day with her mom.

  “You sure spend an awful lot of time visiting at your folks.”

  “Your point is…” Jo had never given Kate any reason to think there was anything but friendship between them. Or she had tried not to, anyway. She honestly would rather spend time with her mom or Maria. Having the two of them in her life mattered a lot presently.

  Kate grumbled something under her breath and gave Jo a quick hug before leaving.

  It was clear that Kate was feeling challenged by having to rein in her desires. Jo didn’t want to think about that. She had more important things to worry about—like what to do about Thanksgiving.

  * * *

  Eileen surprised Jo. “Oh dear, I’m sorry but I’ve already made plans with Helen from church for Thanksgiving. I just assumed you’d have your own plans since we’ve not shared a Thanksgiving in—”

  Eileen’s eyes misted with tears as the words died on her lips. “I’m sorry, Jo Lynn, I need to change my thinking to include you.”

  Jo took her hand. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m glad you have friends and you want to spend time with them and not stay cooped up in the house.”

  “Yes, well, Helen, Maxine and Emma are all widows so we decided to have a combined dinner and each of us is preparing part of the meal.” She smiled and touched Jo’s cheek. “You’re welcome to join us, honey. One more at the table would be fine, I’m sure, and you’re single like the rest of us.”

  Jo almost laughed out loud. Single, yes, but she had nothing else in common with these women, who Jo feared would kick her mom out of their little widows’ club if she dared bring her lesbian daughter around for Thanksgiving.

  “Yes, Mom, I’m single, and thanks for pointing that out.” Jo gave her a grin. “I’m going to pass on the invite, but thank you.”

  “What are you going to do then?”

  “Don’t worry. I promise not to spend the day alone in my house.”

  “Next year, Jo Lynn, we’ll plan ahead.”

  Jo nodded, but thought, Not if the widows’ club would be joining them.

  She didn’t call Maria, hoping if she didn’t Maria would forget the invitation. Such was not the case and Maria called Monday evening.

  “So, what are your Thanksgiving plans, Jo?”

  She considered lying, but couldn’t do it. “My mom has officially joined the widows’ club at her church. And as tempting as the invitation was to spend it with them, since I’m single too—thank you very much, Mom, for the reminder—I turned her down.”

  Maria laughed. “So you have no plans and nowhere to go?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Well, do you?”

  Like trying to avoid a bad case of poison ivy, Jo was trying to avoid answering. “Do I what?”

  “Jo Marchal! Quit pussyfooting around and answer my question. Do you have plans for Thanksgiving or not?”

  “No.” Jo sighed.

  “Okay. Why are you being so diffic
ult about this?”

  “It’s my nature.”

  “I would very much like for you to join us at Kathleen’s and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

  “I have one condition.”

  “Sorry…there will be no beer drinking on Thanksgiving.”

  Jo laughed. “That’s not it.”

  “What?” Maria exhaled an audible breath.

  Jo smiled to herself. “You have to come out here on Saturday and get up on a horse.” The silence on the other end lingered, but she waited the long moment. “Maria, did you faint or what?”

  “I must say you drive harder bargains than I do.” Her voice was tight with fear or anxiety or both, Jo suspected.

  “Well?”

  Maria exhaled again. “Okay, but you have to promise me if this kills me, you’ll raise my son.”

  Jo wanted to laugh. “Maria, you’re not going to die, but yes, I would be honored to be Matt’s guardian if you can get that past your family.”

  * * *

  Nervously, Jo sat in her truck out on the street watching the house in suburbia. With the curtains wide open, she could see the big screen TV displaying a football game. She saw Maria pass in front of the window. A moment later Maria came through the door pulling a jacket over her shoulders as she headed down the driveway. Busted…

  Maria walked to the driver’s door, holding the jacket tight around her. Jo eased the window down.

  “Hi!” Maria smiled at her.

  “Hi yourself.”

  “I have to say I’m surprised you showed up.”

  Jo raised a brow. “Are you kidding? And let you out of your end of this bargain? I just bet you were hoping I wouldn’t show.”

  Maria put her hand on the arm Jo had resting in the open window. “No, I wasn’t. Come on, dinner will be ready soon.”

  Jo took a deep breath and grabbed the bottle of wine she brought for Kathleen. Maria introduced her to Jack and to Kathleen’s husband, Tim, but both were too engrossed in the football game to give her much attention. Maria led her to the kitchen, where she handed the wine to Kathleen.

  “Thank you for having me to dinner today. It’s very thoughtful.”

  Kathleen gave Maria a quizzical look as she accepted the wine. “You’re welcome, but this was not necessary.” She raised the bottle and looked at the label. “It’s a wonderful wine. Thank you so much.”

  Knowing nothing herself about wine, Jo had taken a chance that the type of wine Maria had put in the welcome basket was a kind that Kathleen might enjoy. Jo absentmindedly ran her hand through her hair. She noted that both Maria and Kathleen were dressed in skirts today. Looking down at her khaki pants, plaid shirt and loafers, she felt underdressed for the occasion.

  “It smells great in here,” she said, hoping her nervousness couldn’t be detected in her voice.

  Kathleen opened the oven. “We’ll be ready to eat in fifteen to twenty minutes.”

  “Can I help with anything?”

  Maria gave Jo an “I can’t believe you asked” kind of look. Kathleen replied, “Nope, everything’s about ready.”

  “Where are all the boys?”

  “Jack brought them a football. They’re out in the backyard.”

  Jo stepped over to the back door and looked out, then back at Maria. “Would it be all right,” she tipped her head at the door, “if I hang out with these guys until dinner?”

  After Jo had gone out, Maria went over to the door. Jo was sitting on the deck steps next to Matt and talking to an animated Ryan, Kathleen’s youngest, who was parked on Jo’s knee.

  When they came inside for dinner, Jo asked if she could be seated at the kids’ table. There wasn’t one, but Maria seated Jo between herself and Ryan, who hadn’t let go of Jo’s hand since they had come in for dinner. Maria didn’t miss how Jo helped Ryan fill his plate and tuck his napkin in securely over his shirt. Maria wondered if Jo had ever considered having kids. She’d add that to her list of things to find out about her.

  After dinner, Jo helped clear the table, then asked for the bathroom. Entering it, Jo heard raised voices down the hall. She didn’t want to eavesdrop, but she couldn’t help it.

  “I don’t know what you could have been thinking.” She recognized Jack’s voice and he sounded angry.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. She’s my friend and her father just passed away a few weeks ago,” Maria replied.

  “Maria, get a clue. She’s a dyke, for crying out loud!”

  “And that’s a problem why? You’re homophobic?”

  “No. It’s a problem because you’re exposing her to our kids.”

  “And since when did you become concerned for your son’s well-being?”

  “Well, you’re exposing Kathleen and Tim’s kids.”

  “Well then, you should be having this conversation with your sister.”

  “I suppose you’ve brainwashed my sister about her too!”

  Jo knew she shouldn’t be listening to their exchange, but she couldn’t make herself close the door all the way and kept her ear pressed to the small crack. If Maria was in trouble, she was ready to move mountains to help her.

  “For your information, your son likes her.”

  “Well now, that’s a shocker. He couldn’t possibly even know it’s a she.”

  “God, Jackson, you’re an ass!”

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “Away from you. Let go!”

  Jo had her hand on the doorknob ready to storm the hall, but she heard heels clicking across the floor and gently eased the door shut. She waited until she heard the second set of footsteps before she dared leave the bathroom. When she did, she went straight to the kitchen where Maria and Kathleen were huddled close at the counter talking quietly.

  “Well, ladies,” Jo interrupted. “I hate to eat and run, but I need to head down the road.”

  Kathleen spun around. “But we haven’t had Maria’s wonderful dessert yet.” Maria also turned around, visibly upset.

  Jo patted her stomach. “I couldn’t possibly eat another bite. I want to thank you both for inviting me today.”

  Kathleen took a step closer. “You’re very welcome, and I want to say how sorry I am about your father.” Jo nodded. “Stop over anytime. The boys still haven’t stopped talking about the trip to your farm.”

  Jo tipped her head and smiled. What a wonderful woman Kathleen was. How could she be related to Maria’s husband?

  “We’ll do it again when the weather’s nice.”

  “I’ll walk you out.” Maria stepped beside her.

  Maria got their jackets from down the hall and Jo mumbled a “nice to meet you” as she passed to the front door. Tim waved a hand over his head, thoroughly absorbed in the game, while Maria’s husband, “the ass,” didn’t bother to acknowledge her at all.

  Outside, Maria leaned against the inside of the open truck door. “I’m glad you came today, as uncomfortable as it probably was for you.”

  Jo cocked her head and studied Maria for a long minute. “I’ve been through worse family gatherings.” She noted that Maria no longer wore the happy expression she’d had when she arrived. “You okay?”

  Maria raised her eyes slowly to meet Jo’s. “Please tell me you didn’t hear us.”

  Jo bit the inside of her cheek. “I heard raised voices. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  Maria’s smile was forced. “Of course, we argue like that all the time. You know how men are, they’re always right and we’re always wrong.” She shrugged and wrapped her arms around herself.

  If Jo couldn’t read Maria’s face as well as she did, she might be convinced it wasn’t a big deal, but she wasn’t fooling Jo. “It’s cold, you should get back inside.”

  Maria remained planted against the truck door. Jo really didn’t want to make her go.

  “What time should we come out Saturday?” She must have looked puzzled. Maria reminded her. “For my first riding lesson or whatever you’re calling it.”<
br />
  Jo couldn’t stop a little smile from curling her lips. “I wasn’t going to hold your feet to the fire on that. I just wanted to know that at some point I might convince you to give it a try.”

  “A deal’s a deal. I’m not backing out.”

  “In that case, come whenever you want. I’m never more than a radio call away.”

  Maria placed her hand on Jo’s. “We’ll see you Saturday.” She smiled a smile that chased the chill from the November air. “I’ll bring you a piece of pie if they don’t devour it all today.”

  “That’d be right nice, ma’am, thanks.” She turned the key and started the truck. “See you Saturday.”

  Maria stepped back so she could close the door. As Jo drove away, she watched her walk slowly to the curb. God, she wanted to scoop Maria and Matt up and take them away from that bastard they lived with. No one, especially those two, should be subjected to the selfish, uncaring behavior of someone like him. They deserved to be treated with love and kindness and respect. Jo typically didn’t hate people she didn’t know, but at that moment she hated Jack West.

  Maria passed through the living room without so much as a glance at her husband and found Kathleen in the kitchen pouring two cups of coffee.

  She placed a cup in Maria’s hand. “Come on.”

  Maria followed to the laundry room. “What’s up?”

  Kathleen eyed her suspiciously. “That’s what I was going to ask you.”

  Maria sat the cup down and crossed her arms over her chest. “Jack is just being Jack.”

  Kathleen rubbed a hand across Maria’s back. “I’m sorry, sweetie. And today is supposed to be a day of thanksgiving.”