Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Death: Part 1: Once Bitten (Lilly Lionheart)

by A. J. Ponder

  Also by A.J. Ponder

  Wizard’s Guide to Wellington

  Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Doom

  Part 2: Twice Poisoned

  Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Doom

  Part 3: Thrice the Charm

  §

  First published in 2015

  Text © 2015 A.J. Ponder

  Cover Art © 2015 Imojen Faith Hancock

  Design and Logos © 2015 Amelia Sirvid

  All rights reserved. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher.

  Phantom Feather Press © 2014

  29 Laura Ave, Brooklyn, Wellington 6021,

  New Zealand

  phantomfeatherpress@gmail.com

  •Contents•

  1•The Offer

  2• Mr Big’s Hideout

  3• The Menagerie

  4• Dr Deathless

  5• Uncertainty, Also Known as the Uncertainty Clause

  6• In or Out?

  7•Snakes, Rats and Spider Venom

  8• Don’t Panic

  9• Panic

  10• Hope

  11• Threatened

  12• Twice Shy

  •1•

  The Offer

  LILLY GLANCED BEHIND AS a black car with heavily tinted windows turned the corner. The thud of pop music on its stereo was turned up too loud to miss.

  The vehicle screeched to a stop and began following her with a slow deliberateness. The thud thud thud of her heart began to war with the syncopated drum-track.

  A terrible wailing of synthesised voice blasted from the car’s stereo, as the vehicle drove up onto the curb in front of her.

  Bullies from school?

  Lilly gnawed the inside of her cheek with a familiar anticipation. Someone was about to get seriously hurt – and it was going to be very hard to explain later.

  Expecting the usual taunts, Miss lah de dah Professor thinks she’s sooo special, swanning around at the looni-versity, and, look, it’s the mutant freak, Lilly was surprised when two thugs in black leathers jumped out without saying a word. With their shaved heads, meaty palms and identical bulldog expressions, the pair were almost indistinguishable – except the first glowed an unhealthy radioactive greyish brown and the second was so pale his blue veins stood out under his skin. Odd.

  Concentrate. What else?

  They were young, in their twenties at most, and plastered with crime syndicate patches, including the internationally feared WorldWideWebOfEvil.com

  Definitely not from school then.

  Lilly breathed deeply. The fist thing she learnt in spy school was, don’t show them you’re afraid. And the best way to do that was not to be afraid.

  She took a half step toward the two boys, kicked off a rather expensive pair of heels, and ran. Not because she was frightened – of course not – if these guys were trying to kill her, she’d already be dead. It was just the soul-destroying thought of having to listen to the whine of the singer from the car’s stereo for a moment longer than she had to. That, and she abhorred their leathers. Not just for the lack of dress sense, but because animals looked so much better in their own skins.

  The two thugs walked after her unhurriedly. Good, there was no way they could catch her at that speed. They started jogging, still far too slow.

  She had her escape plan mapped out, through a nearby garden and over the fence, when the car revved. It reversed past with a screech of tyres, and once again blocked the path in front of her.

  She spun around. Seriously? How many people were after her. Three? Four? She tried to race past the two thugs, onto the empty road.

  They pushed her back with surprising strength, their hands burning cold.

  Those hands were too cold to be alive. Lilly’s stomach lurched. Her brain rebelled. Undead? Impossible. But they had to be.

  She should be doing something clever to escape, but she couldn’t think of any good options. She couldn’t even pretend she wasn’t frightened any more. Instead of figuring out a plan, her brain was stuck on the undead question.

  From inside the car someone growled, “Mr Big has a job for you.”

  “Mr Big?” she echoed, trying to give herself more time to think. As head of GKS Laboratories he was one of the least important crime lords – and the most dangerously unpredictable.

  One of the half-frozen thugs grabbed her arm in a chillingly vice-like grip and yanked her toward the car.

  Folded into the back seat was a cauliflower-eared brute, squashed into a pinstripe suit, his tiny pin-sized head incongruous to the rest of his bulk. “It will only take a moment.”

  “I’m a bit busy,” she replied, trying to extricate herself from the thug’s iron grip by breaking his fingers. A couple of short sharp snaps and … nothing. He didn’t even seem to notice.

  The oaf in the pinstripes smiled. “Miss Lionheart. Miss Lilliana Lionheart. Please don’t damage my two colleagues here. They’re rather expensive. Besides, I don’t think you understand. Mr Big wants you to be an integral part of the GKS laboratory’s biological division.”

  “Yeah, and what Mr Big wants, Mr Big gets,” sneered the blue-veined boy.

  “Hush Veins,” the oaf in pinstripes said. “Talking’s my job, remember?”

  Heart hammering, Lilly shook her head. “You’ve made a mistake. I’m just a school kid. Whoever it is you’re after, it’s not me.”

  Pinhead1 pulled out a folder headed “Miss Lilliana Lionheart.” He smiled as he flourished her grades, a passport, and a picture of Embraldo, the pet lizard-gecko hybrid she’d created when she was younger.

  Much younger, she thought, biting at the inside of her cheeks to stop herself from saying something that would make the man angry. Although he seemed pretty angry anyway.

  “Mr Big has organised a meeting, so come along nice, or say goodbye to that pretty face of yours.”

  Lilly tried to tell herself it was an empty threat. She tried to barge past the two boys – and failed as they blocked her escape, again.

  She hit out and screamed, for all the good it did. Nobody could possibly hear her over the high-pitched music.

  This time, when Pinhead spoke, he wasn’t laughing or smiling, or even asking nicely. “Hurry up and get in,” he growled. “We’ve wasted enough time here.”

  “What?” Lilly said, pretending not to hear him. “Um, I don’t suppose I could just grab my shoes?”

  “These?” Basher said, picking one up delicately with a thumb and forefinger and tearing it apart.

  Crying wasn’t an option, so slowly, carefully, she slipped her hand into her pocket and began to text home. She needed to keep talking to distract these idiots. “I have to go, I’m late for Biochemistry, it’s a fascinating lecture on the interactions of messenger RNA.”

  “Get in now!” he thundered. “Or you won’t like the consequences.”

  “I tell you what I don’t like,” Lilly said, giving up on deaf and trying for a bravado she didn’t quite feel. “People telling me what to do. ”

  She began to type the number plate, “M1N1NSRUS” into her phone. Knowing she wasn’t the fastest stealth texter, she kept talking to distract them. “Besides I hate your choice of musak. Isn’t there something else you could harass me with? Mr Goodie’s Band and his Bad Time Hits? Top Dog and the Strangled Cats?”

  Ve
ins cracked his near transparent fist against his meaty palm.

  His gray-brown double snapped, “Come on, let’s just bash her over the head and shove her in the boot.”

  “Nah, Basher,” growled Pinhead. “You know what Mr Big said. Shut up, while I try to do this proper-like.”

  “How about we do the other usual?” Veins growled, clenching his fists so hard his veins popped into stark blue-green relief. “This is boring.”

  Having completed typing what she hoped was, “M1N1NSRUS Mr Big,” Lilly tried to hit the send button, just as Basher ripped her hand from her pocket. “Keep your hands where I can see them,” he growled.

  Lilly tried not to groan. She could hit send later – hopefully. Right now, the cold barrel of a gun pushed against her head was taking all her attention. “Get into the car or I’ll blow your brains out,” Pinhead snapped.

  Smiling meekly, Lilly stepped into the car. After all, what else could she do? The offer had been made with such eloquence and conviction, she couldn’t exactly refuse.

  JOIN THE WORLD WIDE WEB OF EVIL TODAY!

  Working in an evil crime syndicate with the extraordinary opportunity to become an evil mastermind is a career choice you should never turn down. The World Wide Web of Evil offers a steady job for life, and exciting career prospects that include the chance to work in safely-fortified bunkers in all parts of the globe.

  We’re seeking scientists, minions, explosive experts, cooks, muscle and so much more … Opportunities are available for almost every expertise and level of experience, so join up right now at www.e.com.

  Check out all the famous villains that started their career with us, and just think, you can too!

  Yes, that’s right, when the rest of the world turns its head away, The World Wide Web of Evil is ready to pick up the pieces. We’re there to create the employment opportunities you are seeking.

  So join us now! Go to www.e.com and sign up here.

  •2•

  Mr Big’s Hideout

  LILLY WAS BLINDFOLDED AND driven a short way, then led through a convoluted underground maze at gunpoint. It felt surreal, as if she’d been captured by an amateur drama production. Or as if she wasn’t here at all, and listening from far away. Still, she managed to send her text message (M1N1NSRUS Mr Big) and stay focused, the way her endless spy training had taught her. She carefully counting every step, took note of the shhh of automatic doors, the whoosh of walls sliding open, and the grating sound of rotating fireplaces. Then she heard strange cracks and pops, and a loud hum like electricity, which stopped abruptly as they raced over a cold metal floor that clanged with the guards’ footsteps. Weird.

  Not long after, the blindfold was lifted and she found herself face to face with a puffed up man in an expensive suit. He was surrounded by guards, and holding tightly to the collar of a giant Rottweiler.

  Presumably this was Mr Big, the man who’d ordered her capture. She wanted to say just the right thing to get herself out of this mess. But now she’d seen him, so that was impossible. Either she was useful, or she was dead. Best to just relax and not think at all. Be calm, be ready, don’t over-think it and smile, just like she’d been taught. Only it was so hard.

  She was shoved forward. “Mr Big, this is Miss Lionheart.”

  Jovial as Father Christmas, Mr Big grinned and stretched out the hand that wasn’t holding back the overgrown Rottweiler. “Hello, Miss Lionheart, pleased to meet you. I’m Mr Big.” He shook her hand until her whole arm hurt.

  When she was young, she’d imagined all super-villains to be much the same – a penchant for dangerous animals and an ego big enough to collapse a white star. It was somewhat of a disappointment to discover her younger self had been right.

  He finally released her aching arm. “And that, is Annie. She’s wonderful, isn’t she?”

  Annie growled. Scarred, distempered and very toothy – she was the type of Rottweiler that would eat your babies for breakfast and come back for a second helping of postman.

  “Delightful,” Lilly said, petting Annie while trying to size up the guards. Annie snapped at her hand and growled more fiercely than ever.

  “Good girl.” Mr Big patted Annie genially, oblivious of the froth dripping from her agitated jaw. “Miss Lionheart, I see you have a way with animals. Fantastic. And what a wonderful co-incidence, here you are, when I just happen to need a head genetic engineer. We desperately need someone to lead the team designing the mutant animal section of my Spring Catalogue of Evil, and you’ll be the perfect fit.”

  “But … ” Lilly tried to object.

  “Of course it’s a great honour. I do so hope that you will say yes.” He smiled in a way that was possibly meant to be reassuring. “I’m sure that you understand the lack of ceremony. I had to fill this auspicious position at the last possible moment because, very, very unfortunately, my previous head of department died of mange.”

  A guard even larger than Pinhead frowned. “I thought you shot him, sir.”

  Mr Big scowled and tugged Annie’s collar before releasing it. Quick as lightning, Annie leapt up and took the guard by the jugular. Blood gushed, bones cracked, and his body hit the floor with the force of a small atom bomb.

  “Is he dead?” Lilly asked, shock overwhelming any sense of decorum.

  “Not yet.” Mr Big looked at his watch. “In three, two … one … now.”

  Lilly almost gagged as Annie crunched into the man’s cervical vertebrae – or neck bones if you prefer the non-scientific term. Lilly always preferred science when considering prodigious quantities of gore.

  Mr Big looked up from the carnage.

  “You did say yes, didn’t you, young lady?”

  Lilly didn’t move.

  He waved his hand in annoyance. “I’ll take that as a yes. Pat, Miss Lionheart needs to get to her lab.” He raised his voice over the sound of crunching, slobbering dog. “And little Miss, I want my dreadbeast last week, understand?”

  Pinhead nodded, and Lilly barely had time to register the man she thought of as Pinhead was called Pat, before he, Veins and Basher pushed her out of the room and down a corridor.

  Inside a set of double doors labelled, Super Evil Genius’ Laboratory, amongst very expensive equipment, a boy rocked back and forth on a lab stool. All of about twelve, he had curly hair, glasses, and a serious expression. He looked up at her. “I’m Squidge.”

  It was odd. Lilly could have sworn his eyes were focussed at a point just over her shoulder. Maybe Pinhead was freaking him out.

  She smiled and stuck out her hand. “Hi, I’m Lilly.”

  He ignored it. “No, you are Miss Lionheart. Mr Big said so.”

  “Um,” Lilly shrugged. “I guess I am. Aren’t you a little young to be – ?”

  He flinched away. “I am fourteen tomorrow. Besides, Prof couldn’t have run this lab without me. It is a shame he died. The man was absolutely brilliant, you know. He always said so. Besides, his plans are the most fantastic things you will ever see.” He shoved a large sketchbook up to Lilly’s nose. “This is the dreadbeast we are going to make! It is brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!”

  “Lovely.” Lilly cringed, the sketches looked more like notes from a graphic novel than a scientific document – plenty of human corpses in full gory detail, but no understanding about the clash between arachnid and reptilian physiology. And most damningly, no sense of balance. The creature, with its enormous abdomen and overlarge jaws, would struggle to walk. If indeed, it could live at all.

  Lilly’s phone rang – and she jumped. Why hadn’t she turned it to vibrate?

  “You’d better answer that,” Pinhead said. Was he smirking?

  She glanced at her phone: GKS security division: Regards your previous message, may we be of assistance?

  Lilly did her best to ignore the roars of laughter coming from Pinhead. Served her right for not sending it earlier. It was time to get her head in the game. “And how do you know your Prof was – er brilliant?” she asked, flicking throu
gh pages of increasingly bizarre creatures before stopping at a drawing of a fire-breathing dragon – handwritten notes scrawled over every spare inch.

  Squidge blinked owlishly behind his glasses. “Because that’s what he told me.”

  “Well, I’m even more brilliant. I’m the most brilliant biologist that’s ever been on this base. Far cleverer than your old Prof – just ask—” She looked around. “—any of my teachers,” she finished lamely. “Anyway, your Prof? What was he a professor in? Biology, Physics, Chemistry?”

  The boy smiled. “Philosophy.”

  “Philosophy? Surely you mean philosophy of science?” she asked.

  Squidge looked at her as if she was stupider than a common household brick. “Philosophical philosophy,” he said, and glanced away.

  “Great,” Lilly replied, with a grin more false than a fat-free label on a candy bar. She flicked back to the page labelled, “dreadbeast.” It didn’t fill her with any hope. However scary this dreadbeast might be – in its giant mutant spider way with hundreds of eyes, oversized claws, and forked tongue – the probability, the near certainty of not creating it scared her far more. The fear of informing her new Super-villain boss that she couldn’t make his dreadbeast, weighed like a stone in water, like a church bell at an intimate concrete funeral. Or, more precisely, like the thought of becoming part of an all-you-can-eat rottweiler buffet.

  Anxious to avoid such a fate, she looked carefully at Prof’s scrawled notes. And considering failure was not an option, the more she looked, the more possibilities she saw. She just had to think outside the box – or more precisely figure out how to get outside the box she was in. Yes, while the creature she was looking at had to be ninety-nine tenths of impossible, maybe she could make a different type of lethal animal while she was figuring out how to escape.

  Squidge interrupted her thoughts. “Miss Lionheart, the dreadbeast is going to be our biggest and best creature yet. The greatest mutant evil companion a supervillain has ever had.”

  “Our?” she asked, ignoring the whole supervillain mutant companion bit. “Our? And what do you do?”