Miss Lionheart and the Laboratory of Death: Part 1: Once Bitten (Lilly Lionheart)

by A. J. Ponder

  “Most everything,” Squidge replied. “I’ve got a Doctorate in Biochemical Genetics.” He waved at his Oxford Doctor of Philosophy Certificate hanging on the wall.

  “Great.” Lilly smiled through gritted teeth, trying to figure out if she was angry because Squidge was a little bit stupid, or because he had a doctorate and she didn’t. “Is there anything else I should know? For a start, when do I get to go home? Mr Big seems to have missed that little detail.”

  “Home?” Squidge said. “Nobody goes home.”

  Behind them, Pinhead laughed. She turned around and stepped right up to his chin. “What’s so funny?”

  “Nothing, Miss Lionheart. It’s just – the boss had very strict instructions. He said, ‘the only way that Miss Lionheart is getting out of this bunker is in a body bag.’”

  Veins, Basher and Pinhead were all laughing now.

  “Hmmm,” Lilly said, seeing an opportunity to escape. She knew some drugs that could fake death quite nicely.

  “Ha ha. Good joke. The boss hasn’t used a body bag since I’ve been here.” Squidge said, oblivious that her newly hatched dream of escape was being crushed. “How silly to throw dead people out on the street when we have all these animals that need feeding.”

  Lilly tried not to wince. She couldn’t help but think this was all her fault. If only she hadn’t chosen to study Biology believing it would be a much safer career than becoming a spy (as her school counsellor and parents had all but insisted).

  Squidge picked up the picture of the dreadbeast again. “Isn’t it beautiful? And dangerous. Mr Big wants it to be his new company emblem.”

  She blinked. “I’ll draw a nice picture for him.”

  “Don’t be silly. Mr Big likes his emblems to be real. He’s going to christen the New Year by letting it loose in Professor Horrible’s lair.”

  “What?” Lilly grabbed the picture and tried to soak in its stupendous lack of practicality. “He wants us to make this thing before the New Year? This is a joke, right? I mean Christmas is only weeks away.”

  Nobody smiled.

  She coughed, trying to clear her rapidly constricting throat. Somehow she had to escape an impregnable fortress, make an impossible creature – or die.

  This could not be happening.

  As a child she’d learnt early that screaming could often get you what you want. It hadn’t worked earlier that day, but there was no harm in trying again. Lilly opened her mouth to make a scene – when something screeched, but not her. It seemed to be coming from a room further down the corridor. More animals joined in the cacophony.

  In sheer frustration, Lilly decided to scream anyway.

  Nobody noticed. Squidge was already running past her down the corridor, and now the guards were pushing her to do the same.

  Sometimes there are no good options. She sighed, and ran toward the terrible sound.

  §

  INTERNAL EMAILS

  To: Flynn@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: Untraceable

  Subject: Urgent

  Time: Dec 3 04:27

  Send the note: “Are you Schrodinger’s Cat?”

  §

  JOIN THE WORLD WIDE WEB OF SPIES TODAY!

  Have you always longed for excitement and almost certain death! The WWWOS is a career path that will almost certainly take you to the pearly gates of heaven – but what a way to go! Cool gadgets, fast cars, champagne, expensive suits, and even more expensive hotels. The WWWOS will give you the chance to live like a rock star, all while saving your country from the plague of the WWWOE. Don’t miss this twice-a-year opportunity to become one of our top undercover agents. You know you’re worth it – and besides, after our grueling fitness program you’ll look so great, everybody will be watching your every step.

  TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

  We have the best retirement plans in the world – check them out, and then decide which castle or resort you want to end your days in. We have four of our five available castles vacant right now! In addition, our government funded “death in the line of duty,” pension will likely feed your family for months – or at least until the next wave of inflation.

  FURTHER FINE-PRINT (HIDDEN IN MICRODOT)

  Please note: champagne, expensive suits, hotels, and all other sundries may or may not apply (and usually don’t). But if you have managed to read this advisory, we think you are more suited to an administrative role. The hours are better, the pay is better, and there’s a lot less dying involved. So why not join as at WWWOS today and apply for a boring technician or administration role? We promise you won’t regret it.

  •3•

  The Menagerie

  DECORATED WITH SILVERY ELECTRONICS and flashing diodes, dozens of enormous eyes floated down the corridor. Each was balanced on top of some kind of helium bag, with a tiny fan on the back swishing back and forth like a malformed tail. They brushed past Lilly as if she wasn’t even there, and flocked toward a cacophony of distressed animals behind a double door with “Mena” stenciled on one side, and “gerie” on the other.

  As Squidge opened the doors Lilly gagged and pressed her hand across her mouth. It was as if the gates of hell had opened to disgorge the reek of death, chemicals, faeces, and wet animal fur in an overwhelming miasma. She stood horrified – and yet the scene before her was also a revelation in amazing.

  Blinking, Lilly tried to take it all in.

  An unhappy lion, his fur falling off in hanks, roared fit to wake the dead – and kill them again. Elephants, monkeys, hyenas, monitor lizards, snakes and more. Hundreds of creatures, packed into cages lining the walls, were kicking up a fuss over two idiots in overlarge yellow parkas and gloves as they squirted a hose haphazardly about. Lilly strained to see through the spray, and ran forward to get a closer look – were those rare hybrids? Yes – ligers, cabbits, Simian rat monkeys and genetically-engineered giant mice carrying human arms and legs and other appendages on their backs.

  Squidge ran beside her through the chaos, yelling as the two workers continued to jet streams of frothy water into the animal’s cages. A feathered creature screamed, clattering an oversized claw against the bars of its cage. Strangely familiar, it was as much bird as dinosaur. Velociraptor?

  There were more dinosaurs up ahead. And giant insects scraping their legs and rasping their mandibles in fear.

  Lilly couldn’t follow what Squidge was saying over the racket. But she did hear one thing. “...mites....”

  The Prof’s mange!

  Of course. The fools in yellow coats were squirting insecticide into a room full of insects and other possibly sensitive creatures. “Stop!” she screamed, trying to be heard over the racket. “Stop right now. That spray’s lethal. You’re killing them!”

  “What?” Squidge yelled back. The two minions mustn’t have heard either, as they moved closer and closer to the giant insects.

  Nobody could hear a thing, least of all the two minions, oblivious as they wreaked havoc. Miniature pink and blue ponies were picked up by the spray and sent tumbling into the back of their cage.

  Frantic, Lilly grabbed a small empty cage, and threw it.

  The cage bounced and skittered into the legs of the sprayers who turned off their hoses and swung around. They started stomping toward her like two aliens from a horror movie, with their heavy coats belling, and their faces in WWWOE black-tinted face masks designed to hide every recognisable feature.

  Lilly took a small step back.

  Run? Never. Her feet were getting rather sore, and besides, animal’s lives were at stake.

  Heart thumping, she stood her ground until the pair stood toe to toe with her – and ripped off their masks.

  The illusion of aliens was shattered. The faces glaring back at her were young. One was a girl, probably not much older than her. Seventeen? Eighteen? It was hard to tell – her pale face was cast in jaundice-yellow from her coat. The other, a boy, pushed back his hood to reveal a healthier looking skin tone. “What the hell!” he yelled, a mop of
tousled blond hair flopping over his eyes.

  Lilly wasn’t about to back down. Lives depended on it. She stepped right up to him, until she was an inch away from his face. “What the hell, yourself? What exactly do you think you’re doing?”

  “Following orders,” the boy shrugged. “Doctor Deathless said we needed to spray for mange.”

  Lilly took a deep breath. “I’m running this lab now. Not this Doctor whoever. And I’m running it properly. So who are you to tell me what to do?”

  The boy looked at Squidge.

  Squidge nodded.

  “Oh.” The boy smiled ruefully from under his mop of unruly hair and extended his arm. “Hi, I’m Brian, and this is Missy. She’s shy.”

  “Her name is Melissa,” Squidge said absently.

  “And your name is Esquire Grey, but nobody calls you that.” Brian clapped Squidge on the back. “Not even you.”

  Squidge glared.

  “I— I— don’t mind,” Missy stammered, looking at the floor. A long twist of midnight black hair escaped her hood.

  “Oh, hi Melissa … Missy … I’m Lilliana Lionheart, but everyone calls me Lilly.” She held out her hand uncertainly.

  “I don’t,” Squidge said. “I call her Miss Lionheart. She’s taking over from Prof.”

  Missy and Brian looked at Lilly’s outstretched hand as if it might bite. She casually dropped it back to the safety of her pockets and pretended not to be annoyed – after all they were just two kids following orders. “So, Missy and Brian. Are you with my lab permanently?”

  They nodded.

  “Hmmm. I don’t suppose either of you know anything about animals?”

  “I like animals,” Missy piped up, her eyes flicking nervously toward the door. “That’s why I applied for the job when I saw it advertised at the pet shop.”

  §

  LOVE ANIMALS?

  WHY NOT APPLY TO WORK IN OUR STATE-OF-THE-ART PET SHOP. EVERY ANIMAL YOU COULD EVER WISH FOR, BIG, SMALL, FURRY, CUDDLY AND WITH CLAWS.

  EMAIL YOUR CV TODAY TO PETSHOP@WWW.E.COM AND WE’LL BE IN TOUCH WITH MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY.

  §

  Lilly shook her head. “You haven’t done any genetic research?”

  More doubtful shaking.

  “DNA sequencing? Any lab technician work at all?”

  Brian managed to rake his hair out of his eyes. “Er, no, we just started today.” The hair flopped back into place.

  “So this is everyone? There aren’t a few more technicians tucked out the back?” Lilly asked hopefully.

  Missy and Brian shook their heads.

  “So let me see, I have two unqualified assistants who like animals, and a genius who doesn’t like people. Great.” Lilly scowled. “I’ll just make things easier and go and kill myself now, shall I?”

  Squidge did his best to laugh. “Ha, ha, Miss Lionheart. You are being funny again.”

  “No.” Lilly glared at him, and then sighed as she saw the downcast faces of her assistants. “Oh never mind.” Just because she was having a bad day was no reason to make their lives even more miserable. She wondered briefly if the big cats she’d seen earlier would make a useful diversion for an escape attempt. No. Not nearly scary enough. A giant gorilla? No. It’d have to be over twenty meters high, and that would be too tall to even fit even this enormous building.

  Somehow, Lilly forced a smile. “Let’s get rid of the worst of this mess, shall we? Then we can treat the animals properly tomorrow.”

  As Brian and Missy nodded contritely, the door crashed open. In burst a wild-haired man in walk shorts, sandals, long socks, and a wide brown tie.

  “D— D— D— Doctor Deathless,” Squidge said, and hid behind Missy.

  §

  INTERNAL EMAILS

  To: Security@MrBig.net.www.e

  From: MrBig@MrBig.net.www.e

  Subject: Lion

  Time: Dec 3 04:34

  Keep a close eye on our newest employee. In terror gate any won outside her lab that tries to contract her. Be vigilante, She has a known association with WWWOS.

  Security

  •4•

  Dr Deathless

  LILLY LOOKED DR DEATHLESS up and down. He couldn’t be half as crazy as he looked, could he?

  The fact that his fashion sense was terrible, and over thirty years out of date, was hardly a recommendation. “Squidge, you’re going to be for the chop now, boy,” he spat through his straggly beard. “You and your stupid lab. The only reason you’re here is because the boss is crazy enough to think kids barely out of diapers can pull off the scientific breakthrough of a lifetime. But it won’t be long now.” He drew his finger across his beard. “Ggkh.”

  Lilly, regretting the loss of her shoes, pulled herself up to her full five foot three inches. “And who are you to order these two to spray insecticide through my lab?”

  He held out his hand. “Dr John Deathless. Chief research coordinator of this facility.”

  “Ignore him,” Squidge said. “He was the guy in charge, but he has not invented anything for decades. He is a washed up has-been, trading on old glory and re-animating the occasional zombie. Problem is, the boss figured this loser out a long time ago. That is why we are here.”

  Dr Deathless grabbed Squidge by the collar, and shook. “Moronic child, stop repeating that nonsense. You don’t know anything. See, if I die, I’ve wired this place to blow. You clever enough to understand that, genius boy?”

  “What?!” Lilly asked. “A bomb?!”

  Nobody else took any notice of Dr Deathless’ threat, or maybe nobody heard her over Squidge screaming. “He invaded my personal space! He is touching me!” Squidge batted ineffectually at the liver-spotted hands wrapped tightly around his neck.

  Brian took half a step toward Squidge, as if to rescue him – then stopped.

  Missy was not so easily cowed. “Get away from him!” she yelled, trying to push him away.

  “Yeah,” Lilly said. “He’s half your size.”

  Turning to the girls, Dr Deathless yelled back. “You kid geniuses come in thinking you’re the best, but you all go just as fast as you arrive.”

  “I hope so,” Lilly said, walking toward him.

  Dr Deathless threw back his head and laughed.

  “I don’t think anything about this is very funny,” Lilly said, raising her arm for a feint, as if intending to hit him, as she readied herself to trip the bully. “Let go of Squidge, and tell me about this bomb.”

  The lab doors crashed open again, and a dragon-tattooed woman burst into the room. Twice as large and muscled as Pat Pinhead, she had the gait and determination of a Sumo wrestler. “What’s going on here, then?” she asked.

  “Hi Deva,” Dr Deathless said, “nice of you to come join us.”

  About time, Lilly thought as Deva kept on walking, the enormous dragon tattoos on her arms rippling with every step. It was a relief to see there was some kind of check being kept on this lunatic.

  Dr Deathless waited until she was an arm’s length away, and shoved Squidge.

  Released, Squidge fell forward covering his throat protectively with his hands.

  “Squidge, you okay?” Lilly whispered.

  Raising his arms above his head in mock surrender, Dr Deathless turned on his heel, muttering ominous warnings into his beard about bombs and revenge.

  Deva stepped aside as Dr Deathless passed, then trailed warily in the man’s wake, as if he was poisonous, or as if his crazy was catching. It made her so angry. How could that maniac be allowed anywhere near the menagerie or her crew, when he threatened to kill everything he came near? Unless his bomb threat was real. It couldn’t be.

  Missy ditched her yellow coat. No longer jaundice yellow, her pale skin set off her sad, dark eyes. “It’s alright. It’s alright,” she murmured soothingly to Squidge. “He’s gone now.”

  “Personal space!” Squidge yelled at her. Arms curled around his stomach, he rocked back and forth from the waist up. “I do
not like people too close.”

  “Never mind that,” Lilly snapped. “Half our critters are about to die.”

  Squidge only wrapped his arms about himself tighter.

  “What?” Brian asked. “You’re worried about the animals when Dr Deathless strangled Squidge and threatened to blow up the menagerie?”

  “Of course. Keeping animals is an important responsibility.”

  “Um,” Missy said. “Brian, you know Deathless hasn’t just wired the menagerie – he’s wired the whole bunker. At least that’s what I heard.”

  “Evacuating excrement!” Lilly swore. It was another good reason to get out of here. Still, she had a duty to the animals that were under her care – however temporarily. “Look, I know Dr Deathless is scary, but we can’t let ourselves be distracted, we have critters to look after. Otherwise some of them are going to get very sick, maybe even die.”

  Squidge shrugged. “If you are worried about the insecticide, we can turn on the sprinkler system and wash it away.”

  Missy and Brian nodded.

  “No.” Lilly folded her arms. “Even low levels of insecticide could kill every arthropod in this place.”

  Squidge disentangled himself from his huddle on the floor and shrugged. “You’re exaggerating. “Maybe half of them. And even if we did lose every single one, they do not cost much to replace.”

  “What!?” Lilly demanded.

  “Yeah … um … what’s an arthropod?” Brian flicked back his hair. “Is that like an insect?”

  “Mostly,” Lilly said with a sigh. “Just try to remember there are all sorts of critters in the world that aren’t mammals, and you’ll do okay.”

  Spitting angry, she turned to Squidge. “Did you just say living creatures don’t cost much to replace?” she demanded. Ignorance was one thing, but his callous disregard was another. “Bad enough you’ve told the boss we can make this impossible dreadbeast, but—”

  Squidge stepped back. “The dreadbeast is not impossible.”

  “Don’t be crazy! Of course it is—” Lilly was about to say exactly why it was impossible, when she heard a soft whirring noise. One of the big silver eyes she’d seen earlier hovered only an arm’s length away. A tiny fan swishing its malformed tail back and forth.