From This Day Forward

by Victoria Thompson

  “Now, now, none of that just yet,” Bessie scolded.

  Adam jumped guiltily, although why he should feel guilty for kissing his own wife, he had no idea.

  “Lori needs her rest now,” Bessie reminded him. He looked over to see she was carrying a tray of food, then realized Lori would have missed her supper, too.

  Reluctantly, he allowed Lori to straighten away from him. although she clung to his hand with both of hers. When he looked at her, she wasn’t crying anymore. Instead she was smiling as she lifted his hand to her lips and kissed the back of it.

  “Thank you, Adam,” she whispered as Bessie carried the tray around to the other side of the bed.

  “For what?” he asked.

  Her smile grew radiant, and for the first time Adam could almost believe that she really did love him. “For being the man that you are.”

  ***

  Eric huddled under his blankets, shivering so hard his teeth were chattering in spite of the sweltering heat. Damn them. Damn them all! Damn Rip Ford and his goddamned army and the Yankees and the Rebs and the Mexicans—every last stinking one of them. And especially damn those people back home who made out that he was some kind of coward because he hadn’t gone off like a damn fool to fight in this damn stupid war! Who in the hell were they to judge?

  Eric wasn’t a coward! Hadn’t he stood up to the old man every day of his life? Hadn’t he taken everything the old man could give him and gone back for more? Eric wasn’t afraid of anything!

  Somebody was coming around with a bucket of water, offering it to the men who were lying here, shaking with fever. If he’d been able to get up, Eric would have gone over and wrested the ladle away from that stupid bastard. He couldn’t get up, though, so he had to wait until the stupid bastard came to him. Offering him a ladle that was only half-full.

  Eric dashed the water in the boy’s ugly face. “What the hell’s the matter with you?” Eric demanded hoarsely. “Can’t you even fill a dipper?”

  “What the hell’s the matter with you?” the boy replied angrily. “Can’t you drink what I give you?”

  Before Eric could guess his intent, the boy was moving on to the next man. “Come back here, you son of a bitch! I want a drink!”

  “People in hell want water, too,” the boy told him with an evil grin, wiping the water from his face with his forearm.

  Eric cursed him with every curse he knew until the chills took him again and his teeth started chattering so hard he could no longer speak.

  Damn him. Damn them all. He curled himself into a ball, trying vainly for a warmth he couldn’t find. If only he was home. If he was at Elmhurst, Sudie would take care of him. Sudie would bring him water and soup and she would feed it to him with a spoon. She would sponge him off when he was hot and she would heat stones and wrap them in flannel and put them in his bed when he was chilled. Sudie would never let him suffer like this, he thought, as the chill passed and the fever returned with a vengeance, forcing him to throw off the blanket he’d been so frantically clutching just moments ago.

  Water! He needed water! But when he tried to call for it, he could only make an incoherent croak. Damn that boy, he’d kill him when he was able. He’d kill them all.

  He closed his eyes, and Sudie was there. She was smiling down at him and sponging his head with a cool rag. He tried to say her name, but as he watched, her face changed and her hair changed and everything changed and she wasn’t Sudie anymore. She was Lori McClintock.

  Lori McClintock with her dark curls and her lush breasts and her white thighs. Lori McClintock, the sweetest little piece he’d ever had. And now Lori was sponging his fevered brow and smiling down at him and Eric was reaching up, reaching and reaching and he almost had her, but then she was gone, evaporating into a fever haze.

  Damn it, Lori, come back! But she didn’t come back. She couldn’t, because she wasn’t here. And Eric wasn’t going to be here much longer, either. Because as soon as he was able to sit a horse, he was getting the hell out of here. He was going back home. To Elmhurst. And to Lori McClintock.

  ***

  Lori couldn’t believe she was so happy. As she sat in the rocking chair, her child suckling greedily at her breast, she considered how wonderful her new life was and tried to decide what on earth she had ever done to deserve such joy.

  She looked up when the bedroom door opened and smiled when she saw Adam come in. He returned her smile, although he was trying to look stern and disapproving when he saw what she was doing.

  “It’s been over six weeks,” Adam reminded her, closing the door behind him.

  “I know, you told me that yesterday, and the day before,” she said. She’d finally gotten Adam to agree to let her nurse the baby herself for a few weeks. Wisely, she hadn’t specified how many weeks.

  “Sudie’s getting mad at me. Says I can’t control my own wife. Are you going to shame me in front of my servants?” he asked in mock consternation.

  “I just want to have him all to myself a little longer,” Lori argued. “If I give him to a wet nurse—”

  “You can see him whenever you want,” Adam reminded her. “He’ll still be your son.”

  He came over to her and took the hand she offered him and kissed the lips she lifted to him. Every day she thought she couldn’t love him any more than she already did, and every day she found out she could.

  “Enjoying your dinner, Matt?” he asked, grabbing one of the baby’s bare feet and giving it an affectionate tweak.

  The baby opened his eyes to acknowledge his father but never faltered in his avid sucking.

  “Would you like to share, young man?” he asked, and before Lori realized what he was doing, he leaned over and planted a kiss on the smooth slope of her bare breast.

  “Adam!” Lori scolded, scandalized.

  “You can’t blame me for taking what I can,” he informed her unrepentantly. “Do you know how long it’s been?”

  She knew exactly, and blushed at the reminder. She’d grown comfortable with celibacy or thought she had until the past few days. Last night she’d even dreamed... Well, it was too embarrassing even to remember, and she felt the color coming to her cheeks.

  “Oh, look, Matt, your mama’s blushing! I hope it’s with shame for making her poor husband live like a monk.”

  Lori didn’t know what a monk was, but she could guess he didn’t have a wife to satisfy his needs. But she had a secret, one she wasn’t quite ready to share with Adam. After her dream last night, she’d discussed the matter with Sudie, who had given her permission to welcome her husband back into her bed again.

  At the very thought, she felt a familiar warmth settle into the pit of her stomach. Perhaps she should tell Adam now, give him something to look forward to, something to make him happy.

  But he was already happy, if the expression of adoration on his face was any indication.

  “I think somebody’s asleep and doesn’t want to admit it,” he observed, and she looked down to find the baby was still sucking but only faintly and out of instinct. His tiny body was limp in sleep. Feeling a rush of love, she stroked his silky cheek before removing her nipple from his mouth.

  She heard Adam’s sharp intake of breath at the sight of it, and she waited an extra few seconds before covering herself again, just so he could enjoy the sight of her.

  Only when she had pulled her bodice back over her nakedness did she venture a glance up at Adam, and she was pleased to see the unmistakable glow of desire in his eyes. He still wanted her, perhaps more than ever.

  Once again, she had the urge to tell him, and once more she hesitated. No, it would be more fun to make him wait, to tease him all evening with kisses and caresses and then, when he was nearly wild with trying to hold himself back, she would tell him. Yes, that’s what she would do.

  “Would you put him in his cradle?” she asked, lifting the child to him.

  “I don’t know if I can handle him anymore,” he teased as he took the baby from her. “He’s ge
tting as fat as a suckling pig. Sudie said she thinks you’re giving cream.”

  “Sudie should mind her own business,” Lori said, half seriously. She knew Sudie was only doing what she thought was best, and she thought it best that the mistress of the house have a wet nurse for her baby.

  She would have to give in soon, though, she knew. Adam wouldn’t like sharing his bed with a damp, squalling baby, even one of whom he was as fond as he appeared to be of Matthew.

  He cradled the baby in the crook of one arm and gazed down at him affectionately. “How many chins do you think he has now?” he asked with mock seriousness. “I’m afraid I’ve lost count.”

  “He’s not that fat!” Lori protested as she buttoned her bodice.

  “Your mama isn’t exactly unbiased in her judgment,” he told the sleeping baby as he carried him to his cradle. With amazing tenderness, he bent over and laid the child in the cradle, then covered him with a thin blanket. Summer was officially over, and while the air was still warm, no one wanted to take a chance on Matthew catching a chill.

  When the baby was covered, Adam ran his hand over the baby’s small body, smoothing the blanket, or at least that’s what she thought he was doing until she realized he was actually caressing the baby. Gently. Tenderly. Lovingly. The way a father would caress his child. His own child. Lori fought the urge to weep with joy.

  Finally, he straightened again, and when he turned back to face her, his expression was troubled.

  “Is something wrong?” she asked, getting up and going to him as her joy instantly turned to alarm.

  He smiled or tried to. “No, not wrong,’’ he assured her, glancing down at the baby again. “It’s just... I didn’t expect to feel this way. About the baby, I mean.”

  “And how do you feel?” she asked warily, not really certain she wanted to know exactly how he felt about the baby.

  His grin was sheepish. “I feel like his father.”

  “You are his father, Adam,” Lori assured him as her heart swelled with joy and gratitude. “In every way that matters! You’re the only father he’ll ever know.”

  And he was, because Eric wasn’t coming back. He was never coming back. Hadn’t Adam promised her that?

  “You told me once that you wanted us to be a family,” Adam reminded her. “I think we are one. At least, I feel like we are.”

  “Oh, Adam!” Lori cried and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. He felt so blessedly familiar, so strong and warm and wonderful, and she loved him more than life itself. She’d tried telling him before, but he hadn’t seemed to believe her then. Perhaps now...

  She looked up at him. “I love you so much, Adam,” she said, praying the truth of it showed on her face. Praying he would believe her.

  He cupped her face in both his hands, as if she were infinitely precious to him, and he said, “I love you, too.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes, tears of a happiness so great, she didn’t think her body could contain it. With a cry of joy, she kissed him, wishing she could show him in every way how much she loved him.

  And then she remembered that she could.

  Instantly, her kiss became more carnal as she surrendered to the desires she had been feeling for days—desires she hadn’t really believed herself capable of feeling after what Eric had done to her. But that was over now, all over, as if it had never happened, as if Adam was the only man who had ever touched her. Adam had made everything right again and she would reward him with the passion he had created in her.

  But before she could, Adam pulled away, gasping for breath and half-laughing but pulling away, nevertheless. “I’m not a saint, Lori. I can’t take much more of this in my present condition,” he warned her. “Another kiss like that, and won’t be able to stop.”

  “You don’t have to. You don’t have to stop, I mean. Sudi said it was all right if we... make love,” she admitted, suddenly shy.

  Adam’s astonishment was almost comic. “Are you sure? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I just did,” she reminded him happily, and kissed him again so she wouldn’t have to talk about it anymore.

  This time when they broke the kiss, they were both gasping. “I don’t think I can wait until tonight,” he told her hoarsely.

  “Then don’t,” she suggested breathlessly.

  He glanced uncertainly at the baby, as if trying to decide what to do about him.

  “He’ll sleep for hours,” she said.

  That was all the encouragement Adam needed. “I won’t need hours, I’m afraid,” he said ruefully as he led her to the bed.

  He was already unbuttoning his shirt, and Lori quickly unhooked her bodice. The next few minutes were a flurry of clumsily shed clothing that reminded Lori of another time when Adam had been too eager to wait until they were completely undressed. They didn’t wait this time, either, and when Adam tumbled her onto the bed, she was still wearing her chemise and stockings and Adam had managed only to completely shed his trousers and shoes.

  Their kisses were frantic, their caresses desperate, as they re-learned each other’s bodies after months of denial. Desire was a maelstrom of sensations swirling in her, roaring in her ears and scorching her nerve endings and raging in her loins.

  By the time he touched her there, in her secret spot, she was already wet and aching and too far gone to endure much more. She pulled him to her, needing to feel him inside of her, needing to know that he was as lost as she. So she did what she had never done before and touched him back, wrapping her fingers around his hot, hard shaft.

  She had never even been able to consider touching the part of him that was a symbol to her of ugliness and pain, and she’d expected to feel repulsed. But she wasn’t repulsed. Instead, she marveled at how smooth it was and how powerful, and when he gasped in reaction, she reveled in the knowledge that she was even more powerful.

  She guided him to her before he had any right to believe she would be ready. But she was ready, ready and willing and nearly frantic with wanting him. Still he entered her slowly, easing past her lingering soreness to fill the aching void desire had created within her.

  She clung to him for a long moment as they simply savored the sensation of being one again, but then the passion flared between them, and all thoughts of tenderness vanished. Their bodies responded instinctively, moving to the ancient rhythms as naturally as if they’d never been apart. Thrusting, striving, clinging, panting, they drove each other to the brink of ecstasy and then fell together into the swirling abyss of release.

  They lay in each other’s arms for a long time after the exquisite spasms had ceased. Adam shifted his weight so he wasn’t crushing her, but he stayed inside of her as long as he could, until he finally grew limp. Even then, he didn’t release her but held her to his heart as if he would never let her go.

  The last thing she remembered before she slipped into the oblivion of sleep was his whispered confession, “I love you Lori.” The most beautiful words she had ever heard.

  ***

  Lori awoke with a start and for a moment had no idea what was she doing in bed, half-dressed, in the middle of the afternoon.

  And then she remembered. She remembered Adam and how they had made love and how wonderful it had been and how he’d said he loved her. Adam loved her! And he loved Matthew, too. How wrong she had been to think her life was perfect before! But now it was, without a doubt. She was the luckiest woman in the world.

  She glanced around and realized with disappointment that Adam was gone. Of course he was. He couldn’t lie abed in the middle of the day. But he’d let her sleep. He’d even covered her up before he left, she noticed with a rush of affection.

  But she shouldn’t be lying abed in the middle of the day, either! What would the servants think? With a rush of energy—when had she last felt this good?—she threw off the blanket and went to check on the baby. After determining that he was still sleeping soundly, she began to collect the clothes that she and Adam had scattered in their haste.<
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  When she was washed and dressed and certain that no trace of her afternoon of passion remained in her appearance—except perhaps for the glow in her cheeks—she checked the baby one last time and slipped out into the hall, closing the door softly behind her.

  Where was Adam? she wondered with a rush of longing. She wanted to see him and touch him and hear his confession of love one more time. She wanted to tell him everything, how she had loved him all her life, how she had dreamed that someday she might be his wife, without ever having any hope that those dreams could come true. And she wanted to tell him how good he was for loving her back and for loving her child and claiming it as his own. While she might never be worthy of such devotion, she would do everything in her power to repay it.

  As she walked down the hall, she listened for the sounds of the house, the clues that would tell her where everyone was and what they were doing. But the place was oddly silent, as if everyone were out doing something else. Adam was probably out, too. He might be supervising some chore or other or even lending a hand. There was always so much to do after the harvest to ensure none of the bounty was lost.

  She reached the center of the house where the hall to the bedrooms crossed with the hall to the front and back doors. Automatically, she glanced down toward the back door which was the one everyone used. She’d expected to see no one or perhaps a servant. What she saw instead stopped her heart with terror.

  A man stood there. A man in ragged clothes with a bushy beard and long, scraggly hair and a shapeless hat. He stood in the open doorway and with the sunlight behind him, she couldn’t see his face, but she knew he was someone who shouldn’t be here, in her house, in Adam’s house.

  “What are you doing here? What do you want?” she demanded, wondering where everyone was, knowing someone must be near, even though she couldn’t hear anyone. Surely if she screamed, help would be here in moments. And then the man spoke, and Lori’s throat closed with terror, and she couldn’t scream at all.