Damaged Goods

by J. C. Hannigan

  “There’s a perfect example of another non-answer, for the record,” I muttered, rolling my eyes.

  “I don’t think that was a non-answer at all,” Grayson grinned as if he found the whole thing hilarious. His laughter faded away and he grew serious. “I saw you in the talent show…you were amazing.”

  “Thanks…” I trailed off, feeling almost weak in the knees. I shook my head, frowning at my body’s knee-jerk reaction. I looked at him again; longing to ask him what was really going on—with him and with us.

  There is no us, I reminded myself.

  Grayson looked like he was going to say something, but then he stopped, clenching his jaw in aggravation. “I’ll see you later,” he said instead, disappearing into the crowd before I could even whisper a goodbye. My friends were walking toward me, their turn on the Zipper done. Most of them were too dizzy to stand, and nobody seemed to notice Grayson walking away from me.

  * * *

  Around 8 p.m., we headed back to Kyle’s house for the party. Several classmates and peers joined us, and before long, Kyle’s house was full of music and people.

  I had been to parties before with my friends, however, Kyle’s party made every other party I had been too—even Zoe March’s in June—look like child’s play. I didn’t even recognize half the people that had shown up. At least at Zoe’s party, I had known mostly everyone.

  Kyle approached with two red cups in his hands. “It’s vodka and Sprite,” he said, holding one out to me. I took it, taking a slow sip, smiling my thanks.

  I wasn’t a big drinker, but I couldn’t help but fall into the same mode as those around me. It didn’t help that Kyle kept topping off my drink and I kept accepting it, trying to dull the ache in my heart left by Grayson’s absence and my confusion over everything about him.

  I thought that he would show up, but it was 11 p.m. and there was still no sign of him. I tried to stop wondering what he meant when he said ‘It matters’ and focus on Kyle, but it was hard. I kept thinking I was seeing him out of the corner of my eye, but when I looked, it would just be someone who sort of looked like him or dressed like him.

  Kyle was dancing with me. Or trying to, anyway. I kept stumbling, the alcohol making me lack the general grace I usually had. Kyle didn’t seem to mind; his hands explored my hips and he bit his lip while he looked down at me. I knew what he was thinking, and it made me nervous. I had never even kissed a guy before, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted Kyle to be my first. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to kiss him.

  Of course you don’t. You want Grayson, I thought almost bitterly. Why did I have to want a guy who didn’t want me? Why couldn’t I just get over him? Suddenly, I felt as if I couldn’t breathe.

  “Be right back,” I told Kyle as I pulled away. I pushed my way through the crowd, the music making my head pulse.

  I found the bathroom and muttered a brief thank you to the party-bathroom gods after I found it free. I locked the door behind me, really feeling the four glasses of Sprite and vodka I’d had. My head was foggy and the room was spinning…or maybe I was spinning.

  After I was sure I wasn’t going to throw up, I went to the sink to slurp water up in my palm to hydrate myself. Turning the tap off, I leaned against the bathroom counter to squint at my reflection.

  The girl staring back at me with wide, glassy eyes didn’t really look like me. I was an embarrassing, sweaty mess. I splashed some cold water on my face. I was still hot, the air seemed thick and I was having difficulty breathing it in.

  I felt incredibly claustrophobic. I bolted out of the bathroom, pushing my way through the crowds until I was outside on the front porch. Leaning against the porch railing, I tried to steady my breathing.

  Several minutes went by. I was beginning to feel a lot better, with the mixture of cool September air and quiet. There wasn’t anybody outside but me. I closed my eyes, my head still pulsing to the beat of the music inside the house.

  “Are you drunk?”

  Startled, I looked up and saw Grayson. Literally, this time, although he was still slightly blurry through my hazy vision. He was walking up the front steps, his hands in the pockets of his torn cargo pants, his tone as serious as the expression on his face.

  “You’re here,” I said, unable to stop the flow of words or the stupid grin from spreading across my face. Grayson looked at me carefully, as if he was weighing what to say or how to act. “Stop that,” I told him, frowning slightly as I tilted my head to the side. I took a step towards him, feeling brave thanks to all the alcohol in my system.

  “Stop what?” Grayson asked, hesitation in his voice.

  “Stop closing yourself off. Just say what you want to say…do what you want to do,” I answered, keeping my eyes on his.

  “Yup, you’re drunk,” Grayson said dryly, a bitter, humorless smile curving his lips ever so slightly.

  “So what if I am?” I asked coyly, taking another step towards him. He stepped back, his back against the stone wall of the garage. Grayson actually looked startled; I had never gotten in his personal space before. I had always been too afraid. I was close enough to reach out and touch him, close enough that all he had to do was lower his head slightly and our lips could touch.

  My heart thudded loudly in my chest. I wanted to know what it felt like to kiss Grayson Dixon. Before I could talk myself out of it, I was closing the space between us, my hands gently guiding him by my hold on the front of his shirt. He came willingly, dragging in a ragged breath before our lips touched. He tasted minty, his cold lip ring tingled pleasantly against my warm lips. I gently tugged on it, wanting more from the kiss. He groaned, tasting me back cautiously.

  I had never kissed anybody before, but my body seemed to know what it was doing. I pressed against him, gently exploring the outer part of his lips with my tongue. That action seemed to unlock something within him. A primal urge took over as he deepened the kiss. The metal bar through his tongue felt cool against my tongue, and the sensation was akin to that of being tickled…only very pleasant. Butterflies exploded in my lower abdomen as I gasped in response to the passionate war he was waging on my lips and heart.

  I felt his hands on my shoulders, squeezing as he gently but firmly held me at bay.

  Grayson pulled away, looking conflicted. “Everly…” he trailed off, his voice heavy with what could have been longing, but it wasn’t; he was stopping the kiss. He tipped my chin up so I was forced to meet his blue eyes. They were practically sparking with intensity. “We can’t…” he started, struggling to find words. My eyes welled up, the sting of yet another rejection from him cutting through all of my defenses. “Don’t do that,” he pleaded, wiping away a tear that had escaped down my cheek.

  I tried to pull away, extremely self-conscious. “Forget it,” I deadpanned, pulling back from him as if his touch burned me, and it did. “Guess I am drunk.”

  Grayson went to open his mouth, but before he could say anything, Kyle’s front door flew open. Alicia ran out, tears streaming down her face. “Sorry,” she muttered, gasping for air and trying to avoid my eyes as she quickly walked past us. She flew down Kyle’s walkway in the direction of her house.

  I glared at Grayson once more before I took off after my friend. My own heartbreak was sitting heavily on my chest, but I wasn’t about to retreat into myself when my friend was looking just as messed up.

  Still feeling a little drunk, I stumbled after her, calling her name. “Alicia! Please,” I begged, gently reaching out to grab her arm once I had caught up in front of her house, near the garage. Alicia was almost hyperventilating, mascara and tears snaking down her face like black waterfalls.

  “I’m fine,” she said, but it was obvious that she wasn’t.

  I pulled her in for a hug, wrapping my arms tightly around her. “You can talk to me,” I told her, feeling a few tears of my own escape.

  Alicia shook in my arms, her heartbreak obvious.”I can’t talk to anybody,” she wailed, trying to pull away. I wouldn’t let her.r />
  “Not true. You know I would never judge you; just talk to me…please, Alicia.” I kept my arms on her shoulders, looking at her to let her know I was serious. And I was. Whatever my friends told me in confidence remained in confidence.

  “It’s…Lindsay.” Alicia closed her eyes tightly, tears still pouring out.

  “What about her?”

  “She was hooking up with some guy,” Alicia gasped, covering her face with her hands. I could see the heartbreak and pain clear as day on all of her features.

  My mind was moving slowly, trying to piece together what Alicia was saying, what she meant. Why was she so bothered by Lindsay hooking up with some guy? It was a Lindsay thing; she did it quite often.

  Suddenly, it dawned on me. Alicia’s strange behavior, her need for Lindsay’s approval, the way she would look at Lindsay when she didn’t think anybody else was looking. Alicia was in love with Lindsay.

  Alicia peeked out at me through her fingers, seeing the dawning realization on my face.

  “Does Lindsay know?” I asked gently, rubbing Alicia’s back slowly to comfort her.

  “No.” Alicia hiccupped, wiping the mascara and tears from her cheek. “And I won’t tell her…you can’t either. I shouldn’t have told you. I’m just drunk…it’s stupid.”

  “It’s not stupid, Alicia,” I assured her. “Your secret is safe with me, but I think you need to talk to Lindsay—let her know how you feel.”

  Alicia sighed. “That’s a bad idea, and we both know it. So, before I can embarrass myself further…I’m going to go home. I’ll feel better in the morning.”

  “What about our sleepover?” I asked, concerned. I didn’t think that Alicia should be alone.

  “I can’t be there tonight,” Alicia whispered. “I’m sorry. I just want to go home. I’ll drive you to work in the morning still…just meet me at my house. I can’t be around her right now. Seeing her with someone else, it just stings. I can never have that.” Fresh tears were pouring down Alicia’s cheeks.

  “I understand…” And I did. I understood completely. I knew exactly how Alicia was feeling…well, sort of. While Grayson wasn’t and had never been my best friend, my feelings for him were unrequited and the rejection stung like thousands of angry wasps.

  “And please don’t tell Lindsay I told you…or anybody else for that matter.”

  “I won’t.”

  I hugged my friend a final time before she disappeared into her house, then I returned to the party to find Aubrey and Lindsay.

  I was disappointed to see no sign of Grayson, but I supposed it was for the best. I didn’t want to process what had happened between us—or rather, hadn’t happened.

  It was midnight now, and the party was still in full swing. More people seemed to have arrived from the time I had gone outside. The rec room was packed full of people, dancing and clutching their red cups.

  I scanned the crowd, searching for Aubrey. I spotted her across the room, but before I could approach her, a heavy arm was slung around my shoulders.

  “There you are!” Kyle slurred, grinning down at me. He was incredibly drunk; his breath smelled like an entire bottle of Jack Daniels. “You missed a fantastic game of flip cup,” Kyle paused to burp. “I won!”

  “Oh, yeah? Sorry about that,” I said. The alcohol was beginning to leave my system and I felt more in control than I had half an hour ago when I was kissing Grayson on Kyle’s front porch.

  “Wanna see my room?” Kyle whispered loudly, grinning at me.

  “Um…well…I need to find Aubrey and Lindsay…I work in the morning…another time, maybe…” I trailed off, feeling awkward and guilty. Kyle shrugged, letting his arm fall away from my shoulder. I weaved around the crowd until I got to Aubrey. She was sitting on a sofa, entwined with Marcus. They were just kissing, but neither one of them noticed me standing there. I nudged her with my foot, not wanting to interrupt but needing to talk to her.

  Aubrey saw the look on my face, and she instantly understood. “I’ll see you later, okay?” she said to Marcus, biting her lip as she smiled shyly at him.

  “Yeah, I’ll call you.” He nodded, grinning. He leaned forward, quickly catching his lips against Aubrey’s for a final, brief kiss. The sweet gesture made me feel more than a little jealous. I felt guilty for my jealousy and for interrupting their moment; it wasn’t Aubrey’s fault that Grayson didn’t return my feelings.

  “Do you know where Lindsay is?” I asked her as we weaved our way back through the crowd.

  She shook her head. “Probably in a bedroom somewhere.” She snickered. “Where is Alicia?”

  “She went home…she wasn’t feeling well,” I answered. “I walked her back.”

  “Oh.” Aubrey frowned, looking momentarily put out by the fact that one of her friends had completely left a party without her knowledge or realization.

  Kyle lived in a large two story house and the rec room where the majority of people were hanging out was in the basement. We made our way back upstairs, peeking quietly into the living room, kitchen, and downstairs bathroom. Then we ascended the stairs to check the bedrooms. True to Aubrey’s prediction, we found Lindsay making out on a bed with some dark haired guy neither of us recognized.

  “Yup, time to go,” Aubrey said, grabbing Lindsay by the arm. “Tell the nice boy you’ll see him later.”

  Lindsay giggled, having difficulty keeping her eyes open. She was the walking definition of black out drunk. Aubrey and I had to pretty much carry her home, her arms slung over our shoulders. She almost fell asleep on the short walk. Aubrey and I wrestled her into the pull out couch where we would all be sleeping, tucking her under the blankets and putting a bottle of water near her head. We thought she was out for the count until we both started getting ready for bed.

  “Guess what?” she slurred, giggling. “I think Alicia likes girls!” Lindsay squawked with laughter as if it was funniest thing she had ever heard.

  Aubrey and I both froze, looking at each other warily. The news didn’t seem to surprise Aubrey, and she realized it didn’t surprise me either.

  “So what?” I remarked, trying to keep my tone light. Lindsay responded by snoring loudly.

  Chapter Four

  THE NEXT MORNING, I awoke to my cell phone going off. I rolled over, reaching across Aubrey to grab it from the end table.

  “Hello?” I grumbled, my voice heavy with sleep.

  “It’s me. Did you still need a ride?” Alicia asked, her voice hesitant and unsure.

  “Crap, yes,” I grunted, trying to crawl over Aubrey without waking her up. She groaned and rolled over, still asleep. I searched for my overnight bag, pulling out my uniform. “I’ll be outside in two seconds.”

  I didn’t have time to do anything aside from getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and washing last night’s makeup off my face. I looked like crap, I was exhausted and hungover and I definitely looked it. I stole a water bottle from Lindsay’s refrigerator before I left.

  Alicia was sitting in her car in her own driveway, already dressed in her uniform. I crossed the lawns and climbed in, noticing how sad she looked. Her eyes were tired as if she hadn’t slept either.

  “I’m sorry about…well. Unloading on you last night,” Alicia said awkwardly, putting her car in reverse.

  “It’s okay. It really is…” I told her, absently pulling my hair up into a messy bun.

  “I know, it’s just…I’m not ready for anybody else to know,” Alicia said, biting her lip.

  “Does Aubrey know?” I asked, remembering the unsurprised look on Aubrey’s face when Lindsay slurred out her remarks last night.

  “I think she guessed.” Alicia sighed again. “I’ve never told anybody before, though.”

  “Personally, I don’t think it’s anybody’s business. I didn’t announce that I like guys.”

  Alicia snorted in agreement. “Speaking of guys…are you okay? I was too messed up last night to ask.”

  I stilled, remembering all too well how Grayson�
��s lips had felt on mine. “I don’t know.”

  “What happened?” Alicia asked, checking her blind spots before she pulled onto the highway.

  “I was very drunk. He showed up, and I pretty much pounced on him and kissed him.” It was my turn to sigh heavily.

  “And?” Alicia pressed, probably hoping for a better outcome for me than she’d had.

  “He kissed me. It was incredible.” I absently touched a finger to my lips as if I could feel it all over again by doing so. “I thought he wanted it as much as I did, but then he pushed me away and said ‘we can’t’.”

  “Hmm,” Alicia mumbled thoughtfully, just as puzzled and confused as I was. You don’t kiss somebody back unless you want to.

  “Seems like we both had a shitty night,” I remarked.

  “Yeah, but it seems like he wanted to kiss you. At least you have hope. I know there’s no hope with Lindsay.” her voice was strained. “I might as well give up on her.”

  “I’m sorry,” I told her, finding nothing else to say.

  She nodded, sparing me a quick smile. “I know Lindsay better than I know anyone…I’ve always known that crushing on her was pointless. She likes guys,” Alicia replied, wincing as if that truth stung her.

  “This is probably why drinking is never a good idea.” I snorted bitterly, thinking of my bold moves with Grayson. I probably scared him away for good. She laughed weakly, shaking her head in agreement as she pulled into the parking lot of McDonald’s.

  “Thanks for being so cool and understanding about everything.” Alicia’s eyes started to water as she looked at me. “I should have told you sooner; it’s nice having someone to talk to about it.”

  “Any time, Alicia,” I told her sincerely. “Don’t worry about us judging you. We love you and we don’t care who you crush on—boy or girl. Just make sure they’re worthy of your attention.”

  “You too.” Alicia’s eyebrow arched with meaning. I knew she was referring to Grayson and how consistently he hurt me. I nodded, climbing out of her car. We made our way inside, ready to battle the Saturday morning crowd.