Damaged Goods

by J. C. Hannigan

  * * *

  Working after a late night of drinking was not fun. My head was pounding, my mouth was dry, and I had a hard time focusing. I kept thinking back to my kiss with Grayson, wondering what each moment had meant…if it had meant anything to him at all.

  My boss asked me several times if I was alright. Finally, after messing up one too many orders, she sent me home an hour early.

  I didn’t want to have to call my parents, so I started to walk home. The walk normally took me about twenty minutes to half an hour.

  The sky was overcast and it was a little chilly out. I hadn’t brought a sweater with me, so I hugged my arms around my body to ward off the chill. Hearing the sound of tires on gravel, I turned around to see a forest green truck pulling up beside me. I stepped back, giving myself more space, and held myself closer as if his near presence would shatter me.

  Grayson rolled down his passenger window and was staring at me in that way that made me forget everything about myself; even the heartache of each of his rejections. I closed my eyes, trying to steady the thumping of my heart as I was assaulted with strong memories of last night, the way it had felt to finally kiss him.

  “What do you want?” I asked, trying to appear unaffected. I opened my eyes again, finding him staring at me the same way. Heat pooled in my lower stomach, and I crossed my arms even tighter across my chest.

  “I want to talk, and give you a ride home. It’s supposed to rain,” Grayson finally said, seeming to struggle with each word.

  “Maybe I don’t want to talk,” I told him stubbornly.

  “Please,” he begged, his eyes wide and vulnerable, almost desperate. I frowned deeper; Grayson had never begged before. I bit my lower lip, debating.

  His rejections had already scarred me enough. I didn’t think I could take any more shutdowns by him. But there was something about the way he was looking at me, the way he had kissed me back and the way he had reacted in that moment before he pulled away. I wanted to know why he had kissed me back…and why he had pulled away.

  Against my better judgment, I climbed into his truck, slamming the door a little harder than I needed to.

  Grayson gripped the steering wheel nervously. “Can we go somewhere to talk?” he asked. I shrugged, not meeting his eyes. “Stop…shutting down on me.” Grayson’s voice sounded pained. My eyes snapped to him in shock. The hurt, longing and confusion were evident on his face, but I still couldn’t let go of the sting of his latest rejection.

  I was mad, I was hurt and I was definitely confused and sick of it.

  “I’m doing nothing that you haven’t done to me first,” I replied, crossing my arms like a child throwing a tantrum.

  He pursed his lips, nodding in acknowledgment at my statement. “I deserve that, but I’ll explain if you give me a chance to,” Grayson finally said, his eyes pleading.

  I longed to have the ability to say no to him, but I couldn’t. I found that I wanted to hear him out, even if it would chop up what was left of my stomped on heart. “Fine,” I whispered, looking out the window.

  Grayson exhaled as if he had been holding his breath. He shifted the truck into drive and pulled back out onto the road.

  He was silent on the rest of the drive, stealing glances at me every few seconds. He didn’t drive me home, but instead headed towards the waterfront. He parked, killing the ignition. He kept his hands on the steering wheel still; his knuckles were white from squeezing it so tightly. “I owe you an explanation,” he started. I froze, my heart beat thudding loudly in my chest. “I want to be your friend, I just—”

  “You really don’t owe me an explanation, Grayson,” I interrupted. “It’s fine. I get it—I truly do. I’m sorry for last night…I was drunk. I wasn’t thinking clearly. Don’t let it get to you. It won’t happen again.” It couldn’t. I wouldn’t put myself into that situation again. Hearing him start out with the old “friends” speech broke my desire to hear him out.

  Grayson looked at me, a war raging behind his eyes. He rolled his lip ring frantically, as if he was desperately trying to find a way to explain it to me. I could tell when he reached a decision. A sense of calmness unfolded across his eyes.

  “I’m not boyfriend material, Everly,” he said, his voice steady and calm as if he had practiced this line.

  “Well, that’s apparent,” I scoffed, turning my watery gaze away from him. He tilted his head, bemused by my response. “And for the record, I never asked you,” I added hotly, tossing a glare back at him.

  Grayson’s hand caught my chin, bringing my gaze back to his face. He searched me intently, willing me to understand. “I know what you want from me, and I’m telling you I can’t give you that. I can’t be that guy for you. I would if I could…but I can’t.” He looked conflicted and confused, but sure of that fact. “I’m not boyfriend material,” he warned again, his voice low.

  I wanted to laugh and cry and shout at him. His hand was still on my chin, the simple touch setting all my nerves on fire and breaking my heart at the exact same time. “I’m not an idiot. I know you don’t feel the same way about me as I feel about you, which is why I’m trying to get over you, but you make it so goddamn hard!”

  Grayson’s hand dropped from my chin, releasing me. He worked his jaw for a few moments, the storm brewing behind his eyes. Electricity sizzled between us; I could scarcely breathe.

  “Maybe that’s for the best,” he finally said, his words slicing deep into my heart. He leaned back against his seat, eyes straight ahead.

  “Just take me home,” I whispered, barely keeping my pieces together. Grayson sighed heavily, as if he had so much more to say.

  I didn’t want to hear his list of reasons why he couldn’t or didn’t want to be with me. I wanted to ask him about the kiss we shared, about the intensity of our obvious chemistry, but I couldn’t make my mouth work, and I didn’t think I wanted to hear his answers.

  His jaw clenched and released with tension, and seconds later, his truck engine roared to life and he pulled out of the abandoned parking lot.

  The silence stretched painfully between us, and all too soon, he was pulling into my driveway.

  “I’m sorry,” Grayson said, breaking the silence between us. I didn’t know what he was referring to…the kiss, or everything that he said and did? I bit my lip, unable to respond save for a small shake of my head.

  I jumped out from the cab of his truck, stealing a look at him once more. He seemed torn and confused—the same as I felt. I walked up my front walkway, wondering if I should have forced him to explain himself more, knowing that it would have broken my heart further.

  * * *

  That Monday, the tension in our group was rather high. Things between the four of us had been a little weird since Kyle’s party.

  Alicia was quieter than ever—more withdrawn and twitchy—but she didn’t say a single word about her confession. She was busy acting like everything was normal and okay, so reluctantly, Aubrey and I went along with it. Lindsay didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss, or maybe she just didn’t care.

  At lunch time, we sat in a hallway by the trophy cabinet, our legs crossed and our backs against the yellow walls. The entire lunch conversation had been strained with Lindsay chattering on about Lucas, the guy she’d met at Kyle’s party. He was supposedly Cam’s cousin.

  “I think I really like him,” Lindsay was saying, completely oblivious to Alicia’s pained expression. “I mean, he lives far away, which isn’t really cool. But he’s super hot…he kind of has that sexy nerd look going on, like Clark Kent, and he really knows how to kiss!”

  Alicia stood up, wordlessly walking away from us. Lindsay stared after her, a mischievous glint to her calculating brown eyes.

  “What’s her deal?” She laughed. I guess she had noticed Alicia’s behavior after all. She brushed back a strand of her golden hair with an air of self-righteousness that made me grit my teeth in annoyance. Alicia’s heartbroken expression was etched into my mind and Lindsay
was making a joke about it. Typical.

  “She’s fine.” Aubrey shrugged, but I could see the worry behind her casual expression.

  “Whatever. Look whose come to see our star performer,” Lindsay remarked, sneering at me as she watched Kyle, Marcus and Cam approach.

  “Great,” I muttered. I felt like my heart had gone through a blender twice, all thanks to Grayson. I was too confused and torn up over him to even think about Kyle or process any feelings I may have had about him.

  I was exhausted about the whole thing.

  “I have an opportunity for you, Everly,” Kyle announced, joining me on the floor. His knee bumped against mine and I tried not to move away from his contact. Marcus and Cam sat down across the hall from us, staring expectantly at me.

  “Oh?” I asked, raising my brow.

  “You know that gig? The one I told you about?” Kyle asked. I nodded, recalling what he’d said the first day of school. “Well…it’s a battle of the bands. A fundraiser at the college. We wanted to really shake it up for this, you know. Make it unforgettable. We need you to do that.”

  “Oh?” I took a sip of my Pepsi, giving my hands something to do while wetting my suddenly dry mouth.

  He gave me a dashing, quick smile. “We were blown away by your voice. Aubrey said you can write music, too, and the guys and I were wondering….” Kyle exchanged a look with Marcus, willing him to take over.

  “We were wondering if you’d like to perform with us at the battle of the bands. Winner gets a monthly spot at the pub to perform! And an invitation to fill in any time another band cancels!” Marcus blurted out, grinning with excitement. He clearly thought it was a fantastic idea.

  I drew in a sharp breath. Kyle had mentioned me joining the band on Friday, but I thought he was kidding. I hadn’t realized he was serious enough to put it to vote with his band mates.

  “The venue won’t be massive, but it’s a great opportunity…for all of us,” Marcus said. “Plus, proceeds go to a local charity.”

  “The event organizer is a friend of Marcus’s dad, and he happens to be friends with a music representative from a recording label,” Cam added. “Although Marcus doesn’t know which one—still, an agent is going to be there!”

  The amount of information the three guys were tossing at me was completely overwhelming. Perform with them? At a battle of the bands? At the college pub? For a monthly spot? In front of a music representative? It was way too much for my head to get around.

  “I need to think about it.”

  “Why don’t you come by for band practice tonight?” Kyle insisted, pleading with me with his eyes.

  “Maybe…but I don’t know about tonight,” I told him, standing up as the bell rang. Kyle nodded, realizing that this was the only response he was going to get from me today.

  I walked away from the group, making my way to my locker to grab my books for third period. I didn’t know what to say, really. I was shocked.

  I hadn’t thought anything would come of my silly little entry of the talent show. I expected to either win or lose, but be done with it afterwards. I had, more or less, signed up to sing on stage once in my life before I had to get down to serious things like figuring out my career and future.

  I had always told myself that nothing would come of my silly pipe dream of becoming a singer. Now there was an opportunity for me to take it even further. A music label representative was going to be there, and that was a huge deal. So was winning a monthly spot to perform.

  But me? In a band? It was almost laughable. Sure, I could sing and I could write music, but I didn’t think I had what it took to succeed in it.

  Part of me wanted to say yes, that would be participating—wouldn’t it? I had vowed to do that more. I needed to do something for me, to try anything just to say that I did. To have no regrets. Plus, it would be a welcome distraction…and I needed a distraction from Grayson. I needed to direct my focus toward something else.

  Tearing my focus away from Grayson was going to be difficult. I’d a hard enough time as it was, but now that we had kissed, I found myself falling deeper, even though he had given me the dreaded friends speech.

  Being a part of Kyle’s band meant that I would be spending a lot more time with him, too. I couldn’t help but recall Lindsay’s offhanded advice about dating: getting over someone is easy when you have someone to get over them with. But did I want to get over Grayson by starting something with Kyle? No…I didn’t. I couldn’t.

  I rounded the corner, seeing the object of my conflict standing at his locker. Grayson’s hair was carelessly mused, messier than usual, his eyes looking almost tormented. He seemed like he hadn’t slept in days.

  “You have to do it!” Aubrey declared, barreling into my back with force. I lurched forward, sticking my hand out against the lockers to prevent myself from falling. “This is amazing! How can you not say yes times a million to him?”

  “I don’t know.” I stole a look in Grayson’s direction, knowing his eyes were on us and that he could hear every word. Aubrey followed my gaze and gave me a secret smile, one that said she was about to cause just a little bit of mayhem. I inwardly groaned, biting my lip as I awaited her skilled attack.

  “Grayson, tell Everly she should do it,” Aubrey instructed. I winced. I hadn’t had time to fill Aubrey in on the kiss, or what happened after. Her intent was probably to rub it in Grayson’s face that I was spending time with Kyle, to make him think that I had moved on from him…even though I hadn’t.

  “Do what?” Grayson challenged. He didn’t look confused at all. In fact, he looked detached. His cold blue eyes didn’t waver from my face.

  “Kyle wants Everly to sing with his band for a fundraiser. The event organizer is friends with some guy from a music label. Our musically talented beauty could get the recognition she deserves,” Aubrey explained, looking at me fondly as she squeezed my shoulders.

  Was it just me, or did Grayson’s eyes harden at the mention of Kyle? He looked from Aubrey to me; the only change in his expression was the thinning of his lips. “You should do whatever will make you happy,” he said, his voice hard. His eyes were an intense storm of blue; it almost pained me to look into them.

  “Easier said than done,” I remarked dryly, dropping my gaze as I spun the combination on my lock.

  Aubrey looked between Grayson and me, feeling the tension between us. While I was her best friend, over the last few years, Aubrey had gotten to know Grayson a little more, too. She still rooted for us deep down, and she was quick to blame him for any heartbreak I felt, but she still talked to him and treated him like a friend. That was just Aubrey—she was friends with practically everyone she ever spoke to.

  “Okay, what’s going on between you two?” she demanded when Grayson sulked off. I pressed my temple against the cold metal of my locker for a moment, attempting to soothe my throbbing headache.

  “I kissed him at Kyle’s party,” I mumbled, keeping my voice low so that nobody would hear us.

  “What!” Aubrey screeched, disbelief and shock crossing her features. She didn’t seem to care that all the students near us turned to stare at her. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because…Alicia…and stuff.” I rolled my eyes. “He pushed me away and said ‘we can’t’. The next day, he picked me up and gave me a speech about being friends.” I paraphrased the speech, leaving out the part about him being bad boyfriend material. I didn’t know what to make of it myself.

  “Oh.” Aubrey frowned. She opened her mouth to speak again, but was cut off by the second warning bell going off.

  “We’ll talk about it later, I guess,” I told her.

  * * *

  Aubrey called me after school to grill me some more about Grayson. I laid on my bed, telling her everything for the second time, analyzing every word and exchange. My hand hung off the side of my bed, absently stroking Stella’s head.

  “I just don’t get it.” I sighed into the phone, staring at that damn purple bear. I h
ad fished it out of my wastebasket the night Grayson had shown up on my doorstep. The bear seemed to be mocking me, perched on my desk chair and staring at me with its beady little eyes.

  “I don’t know what his deal is,” Aubrey agreed. “But…I still think you should try and move on. Obviously, for whatever reason, he’s hesitating. You don’t want a guy that hesitates. You want a guy that acts. Besides, you know that Kyle likes you. When you disappeared at the party, Kyle wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing and gorgeous you are.”

  I snorted, rolling my eyes. “Oh, okay. In that case, I’ll totally date him.”

  “Why not?” Aubrey asked seriously. “Maybe you’ll like being with him. Maybe it’s just what you need to forget about Grayson.”

  “I can’t forget about him,” I argued, sure of it. “Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to Kyle if I…when I have feelings for someone else.”

  “Hold that thought,” Aubrey said. I heard her talking to someone in the background. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later?”

  “Okay.” I hung up the phone and continued to stare at the ceiling. A knock on my door awoke me from my reverie. “Come in!”

  Julia pushed open my door with her hand on her hip, staring at me with dissatisfaction.

  “What is it?” I demanded, sitting up to glare at her. Stella—who had been lying on the floor by my bed with her large head resting on my mattress—lifted her head begrudgingly, irritated by the disturbance.

  “Well, two things, really,” Julia started, brushing back a strand of her long hair with an air of superiority. “One, the totally hot guy who was with you at the fair is at the door asking for you. And two, I sort of listened in on your conversation with Aubrey.”

  “Julia!” I growled, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment.

  “I know, I know!” Julia raised her hands in apology, not sounding remorseful at all. She plopped down at the end of my bed, folding her legs and staring at me with earnest. “I thought the line was free and I picked it up. Then I heard you talking and I couldn’t hang up…sorry. I just wanted to say that Aubrey is totally right. You’ve put the ball in his court and he didn’t play, so it’s time to move on.”