Uncertainty

by Bella Baird

  Around this time, his work schedule became demanding. He was hardly free at times he would normally spend with her. The summer worked much better, though they seemed to have less and less privacy than before. Still, they tried to make their time together count even more when they could see each other. When school started back up again, their time together took another hit. Because he was starting his senior year, his parents got on his case about doing extra-curricular activities. Trent and Alice rarely saw each other anymore. He claimed to be busy with homework and various projects. It wasn’t just the lack of time that worried her though.

  Around late fall, he became distant, like he wasn’t as willing to talk to her or touch her while they were in the same room. They no longer met at his house, where they had the most seclusion. These factors made Alice feel like she wasn’t valued as much. Because Trent stopped talking to her about his life, she wondered if he even loved her anymore. He kept avoiding talks when she asked him if anything was wrong. Alice didn’t want to separate, but it seemed to her like he wasn’t invested in the relationship anymore. She couldn’t handle the feeling of abandonment she felt in his absence.

  One day the following February, Alice pulled him aside in the hallway and told him their relationship wasn’t working out for her anymore. Trent looked cheerless, but he didn’t seem distraught to her. He said few words, and didn’t try to stop her from walking away. Alice was hurt and infuriated by his reaction. She knew that he must not have loved her the way he claimed before. Her heart was completely broken, and she left school early that day to be alone and recover from her grief. Karen behaved supportively, to Alice’s surprise. It was the one time she thought she could act like herself and talk to her mother.

  After the breakup, Alice only saw Trent from afar. He avoided areas where she usually walked to classes and places she went in her free time. His graduation came without them ever speaking again. Alice’s junior and senior years were a blur of homework and night shifts at Queen Burger. She didn’t really have time for another relationship. After graduation, the main focus became design school and her new job. Her heart may have healed, but she never forgot the love they temporarily shared and the pain of separation.

  

  “Yeah, it has been a while,” Alice said without looking away from his eyes. She was starting to get lost in his gaze, and she quickly broke it to look around the room. “So this is what you’ve been up to.”

  “This is what I’ve been doing…” he trailed off awkwardly, still staring intently at her. His eyes showed a look of sadness, belying the bashful grin he put on when Alice first placed her eyes on him.

  “I didn’t recognize your last name,” she stated.

  “It’s my mom’s maiden name. My parents got a divorce, and I didn’t really want to be associated with my dad any longer,” he said sadly.

  “I’m sorry to hear that. How’s she doing?” Alice sincerely wanted to know.

  “Things were rough there for a good amount of time, but she’s back on her feet now. She lives in the same house with my new stepdad,” Trent said, shifting closer to her.

  “I’m glad to hear that she’s all right,” she said before pausing. “You, know, I didn’t realize who you were when I saw you earlier. You’ve grown up a lot. You look really great,” she hesitantly told him.

  She meant every word. Impossibly, he seemed to have gotten taller. He’d already been quite lanky in high school. Since then, however, his body had filled out some. Alice could see the new muscles hidden under his slim-fitting dress shirt. Shaggy hair was replaced by a shorter cut on the sides, with the slightly longer hair on top styled up and back. Trent now sported reasonably sized black glasses that suited his more chiseled jaw and cheekbones excellently. The only feature that hadn’t changed was his eyes. They were just as gorgeous as the first day she looked into their dark brown, almond-shaped depths framed by thick eyebrows. Alice couldn’t control the feelings brewing inside her. She started to sense the same knot tightening in her stomach that was present when she spoke with Trent last. It was like no time had passed, and she was almost lost in the flood of emotions.

  “Thanks. You look good, too. Honestly,” Trent said, snapping Alice out of the very short daze that came over her.

  “So why did you ask to see me?” she wondered aloud as she brought her eyes back up from the floor to meet his.

  “I wanted to offer you a special position. Something that has a lot of responsibility attached to it,” He brought his hand up to scratch his head. “Basically, you’ll head a new branch of the design department, if you decide you want the job.”

  “Oh, wow! Thank you so much! Am I even qualified for that? I mean, I don’t want you to offer me a position this great just because we were…because we knew each other well,” Alice stammered with her eyebrows raised. She was so taken aback that she had trouble speaking. Her skirt provided a place to wipe her sweaty palms, which she attempted to do without Trent noticing.

  “I’m not offering you this job because of our past,” he assured her. “Yes, part of it is because I know you, but only because I know that you’re ambitious and have a good work ethic. I looked at your work already. You have just the style I’m looking for. Veronica told me that she was going to hire you without any prodding from me. She actually said that we need you on our team, and I agree with her. The fact that she vouched for you is so important to me. She’s a great judge of character. Veronica hasn’t steered me in the wrong direction yet.”

  “Okay,” said Alice, her demeanor considerably more relaxed. “But what exactly will I be doing?”

  “I’m not sure if Veronica told you, but we need the entire look, functionality, and experience of the website to be recreated. I’m looking for something that has a classic feel with hip, modern design elements thrown in. Your work seems to embody that better than anyone that we’ve interviewed. Basically, I will give you a new goal each month that you have to plan out and draw up initial designs for. You’ll then run these directly to me. Once I okay everything, you’ll take them to the design team to have them finalize a number of designs per person. Then you’ll pick the best ones, and we’ll review them together. Eventually, we’ll have it all planned out, and we can launch the new look and format of Jitter,” Trent articulated quickly.

  “Whoa. That’s a huge deal. I never thought I’d be given this much responsibility. Ever,” she gasped. All of this information combined with seeing Trent again began to overwhelm her completely.

  “Do you want to know your starting salary?” he asked.

  She shook her head up and down slowly. Trent moved even closer to her and whispered into her ear. Alice felt his warm breath flow across her sensitive skin. The familiar tingle came back. This time it started on her ear, moving down her neck and into her shoulder. A shiver rolled down her spine. She was so wrapped up in this sensation that the number he whispered almost didn’t register. Alice took a step back, her heart beating much faster than before. She imagined herself pulling Trent into a hard embrace and kissing his smooth, full lips. She knew he wouldn’t want that though, and she knew she didn’t either. He stopped caring about me years ago. Now he just wants to help me out of pity or some other reason I don’t understand. Anyway, now I have Daniel in my life. After a few seconds, she came back to herself. She pulled her gaze back up to him.

  “That’s…a lot of money. Uhh, I’m really sorry, but can I have some time to think about it? It’s just a lot for me to process right now,” she said without much breath left in her lungs. She felt as if she were on the verge of panic.

  “Look, I know this is the kind of job you’ve always dreamed of having. It must be at least a little awkward working for me after all this time and the way things ended. What’s past is past though. I’m not pressuring you. I just want you to think about it. You can let me know your answer by next Tuesday. Here’s my number,” he stated while handing her his personal business card. “If you decide to be a part of the team, you can start
whenever you finish your current job. Then I can get you set up and introduce you to everyone.”

  “All right, Trent. I’ll give it some thought. It shouldn’t take me too long to come to a decision,” Alice said, despite being unsure how long it might take for her to make a choice this intense.

  Trent stepped closer and touched her arm. “I hope to hear from you soon,” he said in a low voice. His soulful eyes brimmed with expectation.

  “All right…bye,” Alice uttered as she looked back into his eyes. Neither pulled back right away.

  She finally stepped away and walked out of Trent’s gigantic office. Veronica was waiting with her large portfolio and binder across the hall. Alice said her goodbye to Veronica, attempting to disguise her confused emotions and discomfort. While she made her way back to the parking garage, she replayed the whole ordeal in her head over and over again. Alice cursed fate for combining the most amazing opportunity she’d probably ever receive with the most uncomfortable situation she could think of. It was going to be a rough week.

  

  There wasn’t an opportunity to speak with Daniel in person about her entire experience at Jitter until Thursday afternoon. Alice wasn’t only nervous about the idea of taking the job and what that would mean for her. She wasn’t confident about the way Daniel would feel on the subject of her unusual interview, but she hoped he wouldn’t react too negatively. She found a decent parking spot a block away from his apartment and walked slowly from her car. He probably won’t want me to take the job. I don’t even know if I want it anymore.

  Alice spoke through the intercom for Daniel to buzz her in. She walked even more slowly up the stairs. He was most likely wondering what took her so long. When she got to the landing for the third floor, Daniel stood at his door with a concerned look in his eyes.

  “You were pretty vague about what happened on Tuesday. Did they offer you the job?” he asked.

  “Yes, but there’s another element I’m not sure how you’re going to take. I don’t even know how to react,” Alice responded. “Let’s sit down for this one.”

  “Oh…” he said

  Alice took his hand and walked him over to the couch, where she slowly sat with him beside her. It took her a few moments to figure out how she would tell Daniel. Then she decided that it didn’t matter what reaction he had to her job situation. She was already on the fence about it anyway. Her current frame of mind was one that would allow her to endure it or walk away without looking back. If she took the position, she’d at least have a nice addition to her résumé no matter how long she stayed. If she didn’t accept the offer, she would just go back to searching like she had been already. She wasn’t struggling; she was simply unsatisfied with the monotonous work she did currently. Either decision would result in success, whether immediate or eventual.

  “What has you so worried?” Daniel asked to break the silence caused by Alice’s internal dialogue.

  “After my interview, which turned out nicely…” Alice began.

  “Great!” interrupted Daniel before saying, “Sorry. Carry on.” He smiled apologetically.

  “It’s okay,” she said while snickering slightly. “Anyway, when my interview was finished, the creator of Jitter called me into his office to talk to me about the position personally.”

  “Does that happen regularly there?” he questioned.

  “Based on the response his request got from my interviewer, I’m going to say, ’No.’” Her expression became sterner. “He wants me to work directly with him. If I take the job, I’ll be totally redesigning the look of the website and overseeing the work of other designers. It’s an amazing position. I’ll be making $1,500 a week!”

  “What the hell?!” Daniel cried. “Take the job! What’s stopping you?”

  “The one issue is that the CEO is my ex-boyfriend from high school,” Alice said firmly.

  “Oh,” Daniel’s face fell, his excitement obviously draining away. “That must have been an awkward conversation.”

  “Yes, it was,” she replied grimly. “I don’t want to keep looking for another job with something this enormous in my lap, but I don’t know if I can handle the discomfort of working with Trent. This position has me working very closely to him.”

  “Has he done anything to make you feel uncomfortable about him?” Daniel asked with evident worry.

  “No, nothing like that. It’s just a shock to me. That’s all. It’s already an odd experience working with a complete stranger on a project this big, but an ex? That’s a whole new territory.”

  “If that’s the case, I’m leaving it up to you. This sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Don’t let your reservations about someone who’s no longer a part of your life force you to run away from that,” he said encouragingly. “Look, I don’t know this guy, but he obviously has a good head on his shoulders to have gotten where he is now. If he really starts making you nervous, then you can pull out. Until then, don’t let your history ruin your future. With that being said, I trust your instincts. You can choose what works best for yourself in the long run.”

  “Thank you,” Alice told him. “I think I know what I’m going to do now. I’m going to take the job.”

  Alice felt that she’d made the right decision by talking with Daniel in person. She leaned over and gave him a strong hug. He put his arms around her and sat back. Warmth spread from her stomach to all of her limbs. Alice didn’t know what she’d do without his support or advice. She could barely even remember the feelings that caused her to hesitate on this decision in the first place. Her relationship with Trent had ended five years ago. There was nothing left for either of them. She knew she belonged with Daniel, and she felt that she could persevere through any strange feelings at her new job. After all, many people have gone through a lot worse in order to succeed in their careers. The adult world doesn’t wait for those who hesitate.

  Alice kissed Daniel on the forehead and said, “I have a call to make.”

  She dialed the number from Trent’s business card and waited for an answer on the line.

  “Trent Beringer speaking. How can I help you?” Trent said.

  “Hi, it’s Alice.”

  “Alice! I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. You seemed like you were having a hard time with the offer.” His excitement was audible over the phone

  “I made up my mind. I want the position. This isn’t something I can really pass up,” she said, becoming more thrilled. “I’m in!”

  

  The following two weeks after Alice put in her notice had been excruciating. For one, each day at her data entry job seemed to crawl by at a painfully slow speed. Now that her mind was gearing for the other position, it was harder to bear the mind-numbing work of digitizing countless health records. She was ready to put her efforts into artistic endeavors that would be more rewarding to finish. Her excitement grew and grew with each day that passed. The downside was doubt that also grew at the same time. Alice wondered if she was ready to lead a team of designers at the very beginning of her career. What if I make a fool of myself in front of people with more experience? Trent might think that my skills don’t match the talent he thought he saw in me.

  These weren’t the only thoughts worming their way into Alice’s head. She had insecurities about her work relationship with Trent as well. When she admitted to herself that she felt things the day of her interview that she hadn’t experienced in years, she questioned her ability to withstand those confusing emotions while being around her ex. The sentiments might keep bubbling up to overwhelm her at every turn, hampering her performance on the job. No. I won’t let all that ruin what I have going for me. That would be just as unnecessary as walking away. I’m going to focus on getting my job done correctly, and those feelings will ultimately disappear.

  By the time her two weeks came to an end, she was a bundle of nerves. Her brain couldn’t let her be either thrilled or anxious for any significant amount of time. She had many ups and downs during
each day. The morning of her first day at Jitter brought her a strange mixture of joy and foreboding. While walking from the parking garage, Alice realized that she was being completely ridiculous. She was drawing conclusions about a job she hadn’t tried yet. Never before had she encountered problems in leadership roles, and she did have some measure of artistic endowment. I obviously impressed someone. Now, I simply have to follow through by showing more of what I’ve been doing this whole time. As for Trent, he’s someone from my past. That’s all. I can’t let my emotions run high for something that happened five years ago. Especially not now that I’m with Daniel.

  After her positive self-talk, she walked out of the elevator to the 14th floor with more confidence than the first time she’d set foot there. Alice made her way to Veronica’s office to fill out some paperwork and receive a tour and introductions. Veronica didn’t bother hiding her enthusiasm that Alice had taken the job when she opened her office door. They started out with Alice filling out and signing what seemed like 10 documents for employment. After that, Veronica took her on a grand tour of Jitter headquarters. They stopped by accounting, programming, marketing, and finally the design area. Alice and Veronica walked into a somewhat large room with about 40 dark wooden cubicles. Each one had a person sitting inside, appearing hard at work. Most cubicles were decorated according to the employees’ tastes. Alice saw one woman with cat drawings and posters stuck on the walls. Another designer had placed a black bed sheet over his cubicle and strung up Christmas lights on the inside, giving it a cave-like atmosphere.