Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘Why’s Charlie here? I thought Dad met him down at the club?’

  ‘He’s going to marry your sister. He’s quite willing to take her on. In her condition you understand.’

  ‘What condition? He’s going to marry our Ruth? How come? Whatever does she say about that little plan?’

  ‘Well, she’s not mad keen. But I think she’ll come round by the time of the wedding.’

  ‘And when’s that supposed to be?’

  ‘Three weeks on Saturday.’

  ‘You’ve got it all arranged, haven’t you?’

  ‘Someone has to do it. Can’t have a daughter of ours giving birth out of wedlock.’

  ‘I see. And what does Paul think of all these plans?’

  ‘What do you mean? Paul doesn’t know. He’s away and can’t do anything about it.’

  ‘I think you’re wrong to make her get married, Mum.’

  ‘But she can’t go round being pregnant without a decent marriage behind her. What on earth will people say?’

  ‘What the heck does it matter what people say?’ He really couldn’t see the need for his sister to marry just anyone.

  ‘Matter? Of course it matters. We have our reputation to think of. How will the chapel folks look at me with a pregnant daughter?’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake, Mum. Bugger the chapel folk. It’s Ruth’s happiness you’re about to ruin. I can’t let you do this. I don’t think Ruth wants it anyway. I’m going to talk to her and see what she says.’

  ‘Do your best with her. I want her to get married to Charlie. And the wedding’s booked for three weeks on Saturday.’

  Jimmy stared at his mother in disgust. He could hardly believe what she was proposing and, as for him persuading his sister, she could certainly think again. He walked through to the next room where Charlie and his dad were drinking.

  ‘’Allo, Jimmy lad. How are you?’ asked Charlie.

  ‘I’m okay. Excuse me. I’m going to see my sister.’ He really didn’t want to speak to either of the two men.

  ‘Jimmy,’ called his father. ‘Don’t upset her. It’s for the best, you must realise that.’

  ‘The best for who? Mum? You? Certainly not for Ruth.’ He turned and ran up the stairs. He knocked on Ruth’s door. ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Go away,’ she told him.

  ‘No I won’t. We either talk through the door or I come in. I’ve heard what they’re planning for you. I’m on your side in all this.’

  ‘Really?’ she said incredulously. ‘Come in then.’

  He sat on Veronica’s bed to talk to her. He listened firstly to her take on marriage to Charlie.

  ‘He’s so old. He’s even older than Dad, I’m sure. Mum says he’s younger but I don’t think he can be. I can’t possibly tie myself to him for the rest of my life. Besides, what would Paul think if I told him?’

  ‘Does he know about the baby?’

  ‘Course not. I couldn’t do that to him. He sounds so depressed in his letters. I think he’s living somewhere abroad… I don’t even know where. His letters are always censored to hide where they’ve come from. It doesn’t seem right somehow, other people reading his private messages.’

  ‘We really need to talk about this wedding she’s proposing.’

  ‘I can’t even bear to think about it. I’d like to run away and hide somewhere. Anything to avoid it.’

  ‘Don’t worry, love. I won’t let it happen if you really don’t want it. If you did go ahead with it, it would mean you’d be looked after. You’d have a home of your own and someone to pay for everything.’

  ‘I thought you said you wouldn’t let it happen?’ she exploded.

  ‘Only if it really isn’t what you want.’

  ‘It isn’t what I want. Not at all. I don’t want him and I don’t want to get married.’

  ‘Good enough. Right, well we’ll make some plans. Come on, we can start right away by telling them.’

  ‘But I’ve told them. I said to Charlie I didn’t want to marry him. I told Mum. She took no notice of what I said and went on planning everything. I really think running away is the only way I’ll get the message across.’

  ‘But where will you go? You haven’t got any money for a start.’

  ‘Can you lend me some?’

  ‘I can lend you a bit but not much. It wouldn’t keep you for very long. I always give Mum my rent and then spend quite a bit on competitions and the band. Ain’t a lot spare at the end of the week.’

  ‘No, I can see that. But I am not going to get married. That’s definite.’

  ‘You’d best come down for your tea now. Mum’ll go up in flames if you don’t. Come on. I’m with you. On your side. Don’t forget about that.’

  ‘Thanks Jimmy. I appreciate it. That bloody man. He doesn’t realise the problems he’s caused. I could kill him, really I could.’

  ‘You mean Steele? I don’t think he should get away with it. I’ve said it before.’

  ‘Tea’s ready,’ called their mum.

  ‘On our way,’ called back Jimmy. ‘You okay, love?’

  ‘Not really. But I know I have to face them. Here we go then.’ She felt herself almost shaking as she went down the stairs.

  Chapter Five

  Jimmy went into the room first and spoke to them all.

  ‘Hello, Charlie. Mum, Dad. She’s just coming but she’s definite about not getting married. Just thought I’d tell you so you don’t all get on at her.’ Ruth came into the room looking dreadful. She was pale and her eyes clearly showed she’d been crying.

  ‘You sit next to Charlie, love,’ Mabel told her. ‘Get to know him a bit.’

  ‘You won’t make me change my mind,’ she announced. ‘I’ll go away somewhere and you won’t have to worry about me showing you up.’

  ‘Eh love, it isn’t like that at all,’ said her father kindly. ‘We just want the best for you. You’re our little girl.’

  ‘But I’m not, am I? Not really. I’m sorry, Charlie. No offence to you but I can’t do it. I’m going to marry Paul. You all know that.’ Tears were starting to burn at the back of her eyes again as she concentrated on poking at her food with her fork.

  ‘This really is lovely, Mabel,’ Charlie said, trying to break the tension. ‘Lovely to have some home cooked, proper food.’ Mabel had made a meat and potato pie, not much meat but plenty of potato and some carrots.

  ‘Ruth’s not a bad cook, are you love?’ She said nothing but glared at her mother. She knew exactly what her mother was thinking.

  ‘I’m sorry but I’m not hungry.’

  ‘Can I have it then?’ asked Jimmy.

  ‘Excuse me.’ She left her dinner on her plate and got up and left the room hurriedly. Jimmy reached over and scraped it onto his plate. Ruth ran upstairs again and into her room. She heard Veronica come in and come upstairs.

  ‘What’s up with you?’ she asked.

  ‘Nothing. Just leave me alone.’ She rolled over with her back to the woman and lay sobbing quietly.

  ‘Hey, come on, love. No need for all that.’ Her kind words set Ruth off into a new paroxysm of crying. It was a rare occurrence for Veronica to think of anyone else. ‘I’d better go down and eat my tea or it’ll all disappear down someone else’s stomach. Are you gonna be all right?’

  ‘I’m wonderful. Fine. You go down.’

  ‘I’ll be back later. It might help to talk about it.’

  She left the room and Ruth muttered, ‘I doubt anything could help.’ She felt lower than she had ever felt before and cried even more. She picked up her writing pad and began to write to her beloved Paul. She decided to tell him about her plight and even to tell him about the awful Mr Steele. She really didn’t think he would mind too much… knowing him, he’d want to help. Remembering that dreadful night made her cry even more. She felt wrung out and very weak. She heard someone coming up the stairs and hoped it wasn’t someone coming to see her. She pushed the
writing pad under her pillow.

  ‘I can’t bear to see you like this, love,’ said Mabel, coming into the room. ‘I’ve brought you some pudding and a cup of tea. You must eat summat for the baby’s sake.’

  ‘Well, thanks Mum. I’m really not hungry though. I feel as if I’ll be sick if I put anything in my mouth.’

  ‘I’ll leave it here in case you change your mind.’ She went down again and left Ruth to her misery.

  She took out the writing pad and once more started to tell Paul about the horror that had befallen her. It wasn’t easy but, somehow, she had to find the words. She got to the end and folded the pages and put them into an envelope. She decided not to seal it but to keep it to read again before she posted it. She looked at the pudding her mum had brought her and decided to try it. It was actually quite nice and she soon finished it and felt slightly better. Whether it was the thought of Paul or something else, she had stopped crying and at last she decided to go downstairs again.

  ‘Has Charlie gone then?’ she asked.

  ‘He’s gone to the club with your dad. Jimmy’s gone to his band so it’s just us three females left. Do you want to hear the news? I’ll put the radio on.’

  ‘I don’t. It’s all about our men getting themselves killed,’ said Veronica. ‘I think I might go out and see who’s around to buy me a drink.’

  ‘You and your drinks. You’ll get yourself into trouble one of these days.’

  ‘Not me, Mum. I’m always careful.’ She glanced at her stepsister but didn’t make any comment.

  ‘I suppose I’d better go and do the washing up,’ said Mabel at last. ‘You come and help me, Veronica. Make a change for you.’ The woman hesitated and then rose.

  ‘Okay then. I’ll dry the dishes and you can put them away.’

  Mabel smiled. ‘Best way. I doubt you know where anything goes.’

  The two of them went into the scullery and Ruth could hear them talking in low voices. It took little imagination to guess what they were saying. She gave a sigh and stared into the fire. She wondered where Paul was at this moment and whether was he thinking of her. She knew he’d be shocked to get her letter and she almost went upstairs again to fetch it and throw it on the fire. Perhaps she should hold on to it for a while longer and post it when she had decided what to do. She heard her mother and sister finishing off the washing up and Veronica came through.

  ‘All right, love?’ she asked. She did sound concerned and this surprised her stepsister.

  ‘As I could ever be.’

  ‘Okay, well I’m going to get ready. See you later.’

  ‘Yes, okay.’ She felt numb and could hardly string two words together.

  ‘I’ve made another cuppa. Thought you looked as if you could do with it.’ Mabel handed the girl her cup of tea. She mumbled her thanks and sipped it slowly. She wondered again why her mother’s generation assumed that tea was the cure for all ills. She’d said it before and didn’t bother to repeat it. She knew it was something her mum could do for her and accepted that.

  ‘Mum, I know you think it’s for the best, what you’ve arranged with Charlie. But you must understand why I can’t do it. With Paul and all that.’

  ‘Paul may be your ideal, but he’s away and you need someone right now. Charlie will be good to you. You know that. And he’s desperate to have a child of his own.’

  ‘But it wouldn’t be his baby. You must see that. It’s that horrible man I used to work for. Every time I looked at it I’d think of him. I tell you, I’ve thought about getting rid of it.’

  ‘You’ll do no such thing, my girl. It may interfere with your life now but it is a baby, another life we’re talking about.’ She rose and went back into the kitchen, shaking her head. Ruth realised that however much her mother felt about this illegitimate baby, she would never allow her to get rid of it.

  Veronica went out and Ruth went back up to her room. She took out the letter she had written to Paul and read it through again. It was too brusque, she decided, and ripped it through. She picked up her pad and started to write again. Then she lay back and planned to leave it till later.

  Around lunchtime the following day there was a knock at the door. Mabel answered it, saying, ‘Yes? What can I do for you?’ It was an elderly woman who looked terribly upset.

  ‘Is your girl in?’

  ‘Which one?’

  ‘Ruth. I know she may be at work but… well, I came round anyway.’ She spoke in a cracked voice, a voice that showed signs of someone who’d been crying for a long time.

  ‘You’d best come in. Is there summat wrong?’

  *

  ‘Mum? What’s going on? Oh, Mrs Jenkins. This is Paul’s mum,’ she told her own mother. ‘Is everything all right?’

  ‘No, love. It isn’t. I’ve had a telegram this morning.’ Ruth slumped down. There was only one meaning when a telegram arrived.

  ‘What did it say?’ she asked, her own voice cracked.

  ‘It didn’t say he was dead. It said he was missing in action. Means pretty much the same thing, don’t it?’

  ‘I… suppose so. Oh my goodness. Not Paul. It can’t mean… Paul can’t be… he can’t be dead. I won’t believe it.’ Tears poured out of her eyes and she sat hugging her knees and swaying slightly.

  ‘I am sorry, Mrs Jenkins. He was a lovely lad. Can I make you a cuppa?’ said Mabel.

  ‘No, ta. Thanks all the same. I thought I’d best come and tell you, love. I know you were very close and well, they wouldn’t think to tell you. Bloody war. It’s takin’ all our young men.’

  ‘I’m expecting one of my sons to get his call up any time soon.’ Ruth looked up at her mother wondering if she meant Jimmy. ‘Our Bert will probably have to go.’ She was talking about her son-in-law who was married to Annie.

  ‘But he’s got two kids,’ protested Ruth amidst her tears.

  ‘Makes no difference. They just want all the young men to go and fight,’ Mabel told them. ‘Any road, I am so sorry to hear your news. P’raps it won’t mean he’s… well, he’s not alive, but maybe he will come back. You don’t know for sure.’

  ‘Yes, well. I’d best get on my way now. I wanted to call on you myself, Ruth. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Thanks,’ sobbed Ruth. ‘Me too.’ She felt as if her world had now ended. Missing in action; that almost always meant they’d been killed. ‘I’ll see you out,’ she muttered, getting up from her chair. The woman turned at the door and gave her a quick hug and then rushed off. Ruth watched her walk along the road and turn out of it. She shut the door and leaned on it. All her dreams of Paul marrying her were flying down the road after his mother.

  ‘I’m so sorry, love,’ said Mabel. ‘This bloody awful war. However, now you know he’s gone, perhaps it’s time to re-think about marrying Charlie. You have to do something don’t you? I’m sorry, but it was just a thought.’

  ‘How could you?’ yelled Ruth, running upstairs. She was crying fit to burst now and couldn’t think at all, let alone consider getting married to that awful man. Fortunately, Mabel decided she should leave the girl and didn’t even offer her a cup of tea. It was just as well as Ruth might have thrown it at her.

  Mabel was thinking hard. It was tough on the girl but, like she’d told her, she had to do something. In her mind, the most important thing was respectability. She still had almost three weeks in which to persuade Ruth to marry Charlie. She knew she needed to play it carefully to avoid the girl breaking down or, worse still, cursing her. She really couldn’t think of any objection to the man. He was nice and kind and, of course, he may be a bit old for her but surely these days that shouldn’t matter. Anyone younger was in danger of being called up to fight. He seemed ideal to Mabel. All she had to do was to persuade Ruth.

  Upstairs, her daughter had stopped crying. She was distraught, but knew she was doing the right thing. She needed to get out and get some fresh air, not that the air was very fresh round where they lived. She deci
ded to walk up to the park. It was at least green there and she could walk round the lake.

  ‘I’m going out, Mum. Just for a walk.’

  ‘Are you all right to go on your own? I could come with you if you like.’

  ‘I’ll be fine.’ She grabbed her coat and set off before her mother could possibly decide to go with her. She really wanted to be alone. She walked through the grey streets, thinking how depressing the area was. She walked up towards the park and went in through one of the gates. It looked a mess, everywhere. There were no longer any attendants working on the flower beds and the grass was in desperate need of cutting. She went to look at one of the flower beds, which was usually full of fresh flowers, and pulled out a few weeds. It seemed sad to see it looking so neglected and almost forgotten. She walked to the lake and set off to walk round it. She and Paul used to come here a lot. It was now dirty and had lots of rubbish thrown into it… only a couple of years and it was almost ruined. She could see papers and odd packets left by some people who didn’t know any better. The boats had all been taken out of the water and were being stored somewhere. She walked over to the large green grassy area that was used for football and other games and saw that someone had ploughed it. At least something could now be planted there for the benefit of the local people. It was, on the whole, a depressing sight which did nothing to raise her flagging spirits. She went back to the original flower bed and spent half an hour pulling out weeds. It gave her some sort of therapy.

  In a kind of dream, Ruth wandered along the road towards Paul’s home. She had only been there once or twice but felt drawn to it at the moment. She knocked at the door and Mrs Jenkins opened it.

  ‘Oh, hello Ruth.’

  ‘Hello, Mrs Jenkins. Have you heard anything more?’

  ‘No lass. I doubt I ever will. Did you want to come in? I’m in a mess in here. I haven’t felt like doin’ owt since I got the news.’

  ‘It’s all right, thanks. I don’t really know why I came. I suppose I wanted to be sure I wasn’t in some sort of daze.’

  ‘Nay lass. It’s all true. I can show you the telegram if you like.’