Soul Searching

by Chrissie Loveday

  ‘It’s okay. I’ll get back home now. Sorry to have bothered you.’

  ‘Come again in a few days’ time. I’ll be able to make you a cuppa and we can sit and have a chat.’

  ‘Thanks. I’d like that. Bye for now then.’

  ‘Bye love. Our Paul thought such a lot of you, you know.’

  ‘I know. And I felt the same about him.’ She turned away and almost ran along the street to hide her newest bout of tears. It wouldn’t do to let anyone see how upset she was feeling. Missing in action… missing in action… missing in action. The words drummed through her head as she walked. It had never said he was dead, had it? But that’s what it meant. She’d never see him again. Never hold his hand again. Never kiss him again. She might as well get married to Charlie. At least that would please her mum, even if it ruined her life.

  ‘You all right, love?’ asked Mabel when she arrived back at home.

  ‘I don’t know. My hands are all muddy. I need to wash them.’

  ‘How did that happen? You were out a long time.’

  ‘I did some weeding.’

  ‘What? Where on earth have you been?’ Mabel was feeling totally confused.

  ‘I’ll wash now.’ She went into the kitchen and washed her hands. Her skirt had also acquired some mud on it and she tried to sponge it off. She was in a daze and couldn’t even respond to her mother’s questions.

  ‘Aren’t you hungry? You missed out on lunch. Shall I make you a sandwich? I’ve got a bit of cheese and, well, you must eat something.’

  ‘No ta. I’m okay.’ She slumped down in the chair where her dad usually sat and put her head in her hands.

  ‘Would you like some cheese on toast, then? Like I say, you must eat something.’

  ‘Why? What difference will it make? Paul’s missing in action. That means he’s dead. I won’t ever see him again. Don’t you realise what that means?’

  ‘Course I know, love. I know you’re heartbroken. But life has to go on. We’ve all got to go on living haven’t we?’

  ‘We have, but Paul can’t. This damned war. How long has it been going now? Well over a year or something. How many more lives will it take before they stop?’

  *

  Mabel went into the kitchen and started preparing the family meal. There was no talking to her daughter. She peeled a load of potatoes and looked at the piece of cheese she had left.

  Good job Ruth hadn’t wanted anything to eat. She grated the cheese and hoped it was going to be enough to flavour the potatoes. There was nothing else to add apart from some milk when she mashed the potatoes. She would then put the dish under the grill to brown it. She thought about Ruth’s words. How much longer was this war going on? Things were getting scarce in the shops and she had a family to feed. They’d just have to tighten their belts but she knew she’d be in trouble if they didn’t have enough to eat. Meat was rationed, and several other staple items, but it was more the difficulty of actually finding shops that stocked anything at all. It was becoming a major part of her mornings to go and find food. Perhaps she could persuade Ruth to go out and search sometimes. At least it would give her something to do with herself.

  Ruth was staring into the fire, remembering the times when she and Paul had sat here. They often used to go to the pictures to see the latest films and now she didn’t have anyone to go with. She felt tears welling up once again but wiped them away as her mother came back into the room. Mabel looked at her daughter and felt a stroke of sympathy for her. She pulled herself together and spoke.

  ‘I’ve got the tea cooking. It’s getting a bit difficult to know what to feed you all on. There’s nowt in the shops and it’s all queuing every day. I was thinking, p’raps you can take a share of it in future.’

  ‘I was thinking of trying to find a job, actually.’

  ‘Cor, you’ll be lucky. There’s hardly anything about. In your condition, I doubt you’ll pick up anything. Have you… well, thought any more about marrying Charlie?’

  ‘No Mum. I can’t marry him. You must see that. Now, please leave me alone. I need time to grieve for Paul. I can’t imagine where he is lying nor how he died.’

  ‘You’ll just have to get over it, love. We all have our crosses to bear these days. P’raps a visit to the chapel might help. I’ll come with you tomorrow if you like. You could talk to someone about it all.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Mum. I couldn’t. What sort of God can allow all this to happen? I can’t go near the chapel, not now, not ever again.’

  Mabel gave a sigh. It was only a few hours ago her daughter had heard about Paul. Perhaps it was all a bit soon for her. All the same, time was moving on. There was a lot to do if this wedding was going ahead. In her mind, it definitely was.

  Chapter Six

  Less than a week later, Mabel asked her daughter what she was thinking about the wedding.

  ‘I don’t want to get married, Mum. Really I don’t.’

  ‘Well, I think you’re being a bit short-sighted. You’ll be set up real well. Come on now, love. I don’t want to hear any more arguments.’

  ‘I’m not arguing. Just saying how I feel.’

  ‘Well, it’s gonna happen. We’ll go shoppin’ for summat for you to wear. I might even treat meself. I’ve got some coupons saved. Enough to get summat new for you and p’raps a blouse for me.’ There was a silence for a few moments before Mabel spoke again. ‘You can come back ’ere after the ceremony. I’ll sort out a few sandwiches and p’raps we can make a cake too.’

  Ruth didn’t argue. Later that day, Charlie came round, at Mabel’s invitation.

  ‘It looks like it’s going ahead. It’s only just over a week now.’

  ‘That’s really good news. I’ll do my best to make you happy, Ruth. And when the babby’s born, we don’t need to tell anyone it isn’t mine.’ Ruth listened to his words and said nothing. ‘And you’d best come round to mine and see if it’ll do for you. I haven’t done much to the place lately but I’m willin’ to make any changes to it, whatever you like.’

  ‘That’s very good of you Charlie. Isn’t it good of him, Ruth?’

  ‘Yes,’ she managed to squeak. Somehow, she simply lacked the energy to fight against their proposals. She was still in shock about the whole situation. She couldn’t, didn’t even want to believe she was having a baby. She sat quietly listening to them making plans about her future.

  ‘She can come round whenever she likes. I shan’t expect her to work outside the house.’

  ‘Right, well, that’s all settled. I suppose you’d like time to chat together. Come on our Jimmy. You can help with the washing up.’

  ‘I’ll do it, Mum,’ said Ruth, anxious to escape from this man she was expected to marry.

  ‘No, love, you stay and talk to Charlie. Take him into the front room.’

  Ruth managed to smile weakly. The front room was only ever used at Christmas or when the whole family came round, not that they’d been round for ages. She supposed they’d all have to come to the wedding. She gave a shudder at the very thought. In a week, she’d be a married woman. She never gave a thought about carrying another man’s child and what that might mean to her husband. As far as she was concerned, this was her mother’s idea of something she needed to do, to get over the fact she had fallen pregnant.

  *

  The next few days passed in something of a whirl. Mabel took Ruth into town to find something for her to wear for her impending marriage. It couldn’t be much as they only had a small amount of coupons. Her mother chose a pale blue dress and jacket with a fairly loose fit and Ruth accepted it would be suitable.

  ‘You’ll be able to wear it for a while,’ her mother told her. ‘Nice and serviceable.’ Ruth had never been a girl who expected a white wedding dress or in fact anything more than a simple service, so she accepted whatever her mother suggested. She couldn’t actually believe she was about to get wed. As the day drew closer, her mother seemed to increase in ene
rgy and had made a small cake and also managed to order some rolls to provide some sort of wedding breakfast. The family were all invited, though Veronica turned it down, saying she had arranged to be out that day. No one was very surprised.

  Peg from next door but one turned up on the day to help fill the rolls and generally to help them out. Ruth was in her own sort of daze and followed everyone and did as she was told. Her mother told her to go and change and she obediently went up to her room and put on the blue dress. Her small bag was packed ready to take to Charlie’s. She stood looking round her room. It would be strange to go somewhere else to sleep and not stay here. Somehow, she hadn’t really thought of the implications of what she was doing or what was going to happen to her. She supposed she would have to get used to sleeping with someone in the same bed, something she hadn’t done since she was about three and gave up sharing a bed with her brother.

  The morning passed calmly and they all trooped back to their little house after the ceremony, such as it was. Ruth had felt nothing at all and had mumbled her vows. Charlie looked happy enough and the rest of the clan had all welcomed him into the family.

  ‘I was a bit surprised, our Ruth,’ said Annie. ‘How long have you known each other?’

  ‘Not long,’ Ruth mumbled.

  ‘Well, I hope you know what you’re doin’. It isn’t all that easy bein’ married. Still, he’s older than you and will probably make you a nice husband. Best of luck, love.’ She gave her adopted sister a quick hug. ‘Come on then you lot. Time we was leavin’.’ She went off with her two now almost grown-up children and husband, who was on leave.

  ‘We should be thinking of getting off soon, love,’ Charlie told his new bride.

  ‘I’ll go and get my case, shall I?’ She ran up the stairs and picked up her case. She stood for a moment, thinking about the past and saying goodbye to her room.

  ‘Come on our Ruth. Don’t keep him waiting,’ called her mother.

  ‘Coming,’ she replied. ‘Goodbye old life. Here goes for the new one,’ she muttered. She ran downstairs and picked up her handbag. ‘Thanks for everythin’, Mum.’

  ‘Bye love.’

  ‘Bye m-m-Mum,’ said Charlie nervously. ‘Don’t feel right me sayin’ that.’

  ‘Then call me Mabel. Everyone else does.’ Her mother seemed to have taken on a new lease of life.

  ‘Right. That’s much better. Bye everyone.’

  The remainder of the group all wished them well as they set off down the road. Ruth’s bag felt heavy.

  ‘Do you want me to carry it?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘Well, if you don’t mind.’ He took it and smiled at her shyly. ‘Can’t have you exhausted this early in the day.’ They walked round to his house. ‘All right, love?’ Charlie asked. ‘Only you’ve been very quiet. I hope you’re not feeling too bad. Not sick or anything?’ She did feel sick. Sick to her very roots. But she couldn’t say anything to this man who was being so kind to her. She dreaded the time when they went up to their room and went to bed.

  ‘I’m all right. I do feel a bit sick. Probably after such a busy day.’

  ‘I’m not going to do anything to you,’ he told her. ‘You needn’t worry. Just try to relax and go to sleep. We’ve got plenty of time ahead of us to get to know each other.’

  ‘Thank you,’ she breathed, so relieved she could almost have cried. It was a rather difficult evening. They listened to the radio and finally decided to go to bed early.

  ‘You go up first and get into bed. I’ll be up in a while.’

  Relieved not to have him watching her undress, she scuttled upstairs and quickly changed into her nightie. She crept into the double bed and looked away from him when he came up. He was already in his pyjamas so she avoided seeing him changing too. She turned over, away from him and tried to settle down and go to sleep. She felt hot and pulled her arms out from under the covers and lay there, hardly daring to move in case it disturbed him. She thought he must be asleep as his breathing grew regular and he even started to snore slightly. Heavens, she realised, she’d never thought about that one. Sleeping in the same bed with a snorer was not her idea of a peaceful marriage.

  Despite his promises to redecorate, it was a somewhat old cottage and in desperate need of renovation. It had an outside lavatory, across a yard and shared between five other cottages. She was used to having to cross over a yard to reach the lavatory but found it a terrible hardship being pregnant. She also had to wash at the kitchen sink, just like in her old home.

  *

  ‘You are happy, love, aren’t you?’ asked Mabel, some while after they were married.

  ‘Charlie is quiet and doesn’t make any demands on me. You know what I mean.’

  ‘I don’t think I do. Oh, you mean he doesn’t want to… you know what I mean.’

  ‘I think we both know what we mean.’ Ruth laughed. She felt more relaxed now and even began to think about the implications of having a baby.

  ‘You certainly notice now don’t you?’

  Ruth put her hands over her baby bump and sighed. ‘Can’t pretend any more, can I? Thanks Mum,’ she said gratefully. ‘You’ve been a terrific support to me. I don’t know how I’d ever have survived without you.’

  ‘You’re nowt but a kid yourself. Course I’m here for you, just as I always have been.’

  ‘You have, haven’t you? Ever since we were little. Did you ever hear from my real dad again?’

  ‘No. He went abroad I think. It was his wife that I was related to. She was a cousin of mine. Funny woman, she was. I never really got on well with her. Then she died right after you two were born and your dad, well, he dumped you in the Limes. I couldn’t leave you there so I went and got you out.’

  ‘You’ve never really talked about it before. I always knew we weren’t your real children, of course. Veronica made sure of that. Crikey, I hope I don’t die giving birth.’

  ‘Course you won’t love. Don’t worry about that.’ She reached over and took the girl’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

  ‘I suppose I’d better go back now and get summat for supper. Charlie will be home and there’ll be nowt on the table for him. Thanks again, Mum. I’ll see you again soon.’

  ‘Make sure you do. I’m really enjoying our chats.’

  ‘Bye then.’ She left the house and began the walk back to Charlie’s place. It was strange; she didn’t really think of it as home, not the way she thought of her mum’s house. She always spoke of going back home rather than to see her mum. In just over five months, she’d have a baby to push round to see Mabel. How much had happened since that awful night she’d gone out with Mr Steele. She shivered at the thought and walked much more quickly back to Charlie’s. Then she slowed down again as her stomach began to hurt. By the time she reached the cottage, it was very painful and she let herself in and slumped down in one of the easy chairs. She felt sick and very light-headed. After a while, it cleared slightly and she went into the kitchen to start making supper. It wasn’t easy and she struggled to make sure the meat was fully cooked.

  When Charlie came home from work, he looked at her hard. ‘What’s up with you?’ he asked.

  ‘I don’t know. I’m in terrible pain. I think it’s the baby.’

  ‘Dunna be soft. It isn’t due for ages yet.’

  ‘I know it isn’t. I think there’s summat wrong though.’ At this point she almost fell down and he helped her get to a chair.

  ‘Sit still for a bit. Maybe it’ll go away. I don’t know owt about babbies,’ he said helplessly.

  ‘Help yourself to your tea. It’s on the stove. You’ll need to drain the potatoes and carrots. I think the meat’s cooked okay.’

  ‘Right then. What about you? Do you want some?’

  ‘No. I’ll just stay here. Turn the cooker off when you’ve done.’ She lay back and closed her eyes, wishing she felt better and could serve his meal for him. If only this pain would go away, she was thinking. Sudden
ly, there was a massive feeling of eruption and she felt as if her whole insides were dropping out. She knew she should have gone up the yard but she was incapable of moving. She absolutely knew her baby was lost. Her first thoughts were how ironic this was. Mabel had almost forced her to marry Charlie to make sure she kept things decent and now she had lost the very reason for the marriage.

  ‘You all right?’ Charlie called.

  ‘Not really. I think the baby’s miscarried. I can’t move now.’

  ‘Bloody hell. How’s that happened then?’

  ‘Nature I suppose. You go and eat your tea. I’ll clear things up in a minute.’

  ‘Aye. All right. I’ll eat in the kitchen and leave you in peace.’

  ‘Shut the door, will you? It’s going to be messy in here.’ She was beginning to feel slightly better and forced herself to rise off the chair. She felt unemotional about losing the baby as she had never wanted it in the first place. She had no idea of whether it was a boy or girl and wrapped it in newspaper. Eventually she cleared up the mess, which was how she thought of it, and put the whole package on the back of the fire. Having Charlie there was somewhat embarrassing as she now needed to wash herself and he was in the kitchen. ‘Have you finished?’ she called out to him. But there was silence. She staggered to the door and opened it, expecting to see him still there, but he had gone out. His empty plate was on the side and the pans were still on the cooker. Feeling somewhat faint again, she filled the bowl and washed herself as best as she could. Then she went upstairs very slowly and put herself to bed. She didn’t care about the dishes or food left and closed her eyes ready to fall asleep. She sensed Charlie coming to bed and somehow managed to stay asleep. She was aware of him asking if she was all right and mumbled something in response.

  When she awoke the next morning the events came back to her and, somehow, seemed to hit her hard. She felt tears pouring down her face and hoped Charlie didn’t notice. At last she turned over and saw he’d already gone. She looked at the little clock and realised it was already after nine o’clock. Slowly, she got up and went downstairs, feeling oddly empty. She put the kettle on and made tea. She staggered up the yard and sat for a while, waiting till she felt completely ready. She longed for someone to talk to and wondered if she’d make it back home. Miserably, she sat drinking tea and thought about the doctor. Should she go and see him? Someone knocked at the door. She cursed slightly, not feeling like speaking to strangers. When she opened it, she was comforted to see her mum standing there.